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Original poster

Dh fancies me less now I'm more "independent" what can I do?

129 replies

namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 11:44

First thing to say is I love DH very much. he still makes me smile and there is noone else in the world I would rather spend time with. We been together for 10 yrs and have 3 beautiful children..... I got pregnant with DS1 about 6 months after we met so apart from the last 12 months I have either been pregnant or breastfeeding all the time we were together.

However the elephant in the room for some time is our sex life. It is completely non existent now.... I guess we last had sex 6 months ago and it wasnt great at all. I have tried to initiate sex in that time but he is always "too tired" or "not up for it". fair enough. but there has been nothing from him at all. Our sex life was good when we got together but some things ( like his reluctance to give oral sex but to be happy to get it) that have always been a problem.

In the last 6 months I have lost nearly 2 stone, got the job of my dreams and really got my mojo back. I feel sexier and happier in every other aspect of my life than I have before

We had a chat last night and he feels like I'm TOO independent at the moment. He says he misses me needing him (financially/ emotionally) like I did when I was pregnant. And because of that he doesnt "fancy" me like he did before :(

I'm obviously a bit gutted. not sure what i can do about that. I dont know how i feel about being married to someone who finds it sexy to have a woman dependent on him. And I'm not sure how I can be be like that again...... I'm wondering if it might be a deal breaker but our family is happy in every other way.

What can I do? thanks and sorry for the long posting

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 02/03/2012 11:51

Don't do anything about it. It would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid. If my husband couldn't support and love me through a new job/ weight loss the same as he would support and live me if I was dependant on him for whatever reason, then I don't think I could be with him. You have to be there for each thee for the good and the bad. Not just the parts where you feel you hav ethe high ground. I find it quite unhealthy TBH if he need a relationship to be based on dependence for him to fancy you :(

EHoneybadger · 02/03/2012 11:51

He sounds like a selfish control freak.

I think he feels threatened that you are MORE attractive now rather than less and is scared somebody else will snap you up. I would just keep doing what is making you feel good and happy about yourself and see what happens.

He will either have to up his game and make an effort to keep you or risk losing you to somebody who values you more. Either way you will probably be better off than it sounds like you have been.

Witchofthenorth · 02/03/2012 11:53

Just to add that I do get that some men feel "manly" when they are the providers and protectors and that they feel good about that.

But it would be a deal breaker for me.

lovesineffable · 02/03/2012 11:54

if he truly loved you he'd want you to flourish and acheive all that you can in life...wouldnt he?

rather than sulking like a jealous sibling who feels he didnt get a big enough slice of the cake

perhaps I'm being too harsh, perhaps he just needs reassurance that you still love him?

It's a tricky one

cerys74 · 02/03/2012 11:56

First off, congrats on all you've achieved - it must have taken a lot of work and you have every right to feel proud of yourself and happy!

But your DH's response is really very childish. I suppose it's good that he is mature enough to articulate it rather than just showing his displeasure in 'being a dickhead' ways, but it's still not a good way for him to feel and surely he must know he's being unreasonable.

I think I'd try to sit down with him and discuss the situation calmly, but start off by stating that you are NOT going back to being the 'dependent one'. You should not feel obliged to do that in the slightest. I don't suppose reassuring your husband that you will always need him and that you couldn't have done all this without him would help? Might be stretching the truth a bit but as long as you stand your ground on not regressing then it might make him realise he's a) loved and b) being silly. He sounds a bit insecure TBH, which is his own problem; you don't have to be a prop so he feels better about himself.

I hope some/any of that is useful :)

Original poster
namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 11:58

Its hard though. WE are still friends we rarely argue we agree on so much. our children are happy and settled.
I actually appreciate him being "honest" with me iyswim. He can't help how he feels.

oh and before anyone suggests it i am sure he is not seeing someone else

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 02/03/2012 12:00

What an inadequate arse! Sigh, I don't think you can or should do anything about it, it's his problem innit?

Sorry, OP, but he sounds so, well shallow

Would he respond to a kick up the backside? Metaphorical and literal kickings needed here I reckon.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 02/03/2012 12:00

Likes you barefoot and pregnant then?

Keep right on with the fantastic progress you are making - sounds like you are really moving ofrward with your life in a very positive way.

Your selfish controlling boring H? Well, I'd throw him a HUGE grin and say - 'I like how I'm changing - and it's going to continue. If you can't handle being lucky enough to have a motivated, happy, enjoy-life partner to move into the future with, more fool you. You can grow the fuck up and come along with me and pull your own socks up along the way, or you can fall by the wayside. Either way, you're not the one in charge of the pace or the destination. Make your choice, coward!'

lovesineffable · 02/03/2012 12:03

(not 'returning the favour' would be a deal breaker for me!)

Original poster
namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 12:05

thanks for all your messages. a bit tearful now.

I like the idea of bigging him up a bit I can see this is coming from problems he has but I cant help but feel rejected.

I think part of me is sad because I've ALWAYS seen myself as independent and in control of my life. And I've always thought I would be with someone who would value that in me iyswim.

OP posts:
NoDontLickThat · 02/03/2012 12:05

I think it is very worrying that he feels less attracted to you because you are gaining independence rather than supporting and encouraging you. If you want to work through things though as you say then perhaps have some counselling together to try and address why he feels like this. Maybe he feels less secure in the relationship? Or worries about the role reversal? He shouldn't have expressed himself in the way that he did though, it was completely inappropriate to tell you that. Has he shown other signs of being so controlling?

Looking at it from another angle, a low sex drive is a sign of depression, maybe he is depressed and by saying that to you he is trying to bring you down so you also feel low about yourself like perhaps he feels about himself? I think counselling would be the best approach if you want to work together to save your relationship - but fundamentally, if he carries on treating you like this it wouldn't be fair on you to carry on in this relationship.

GrimmaTheNome · 02/03/2012 12:06

I wouldn't give up on him if everything else is good. Relationships can go through cycles. Do you really miss the sex? If so - well, in a way that's a 'dependency' - maybe you can take that thought (in a positive way, there's nothing wrong with couples being interdependent) and find a way to run with it?

Original poster
namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 12:08

No he's not controlling in any other way in the relationship. financially all decisions are joint as are all big decisions.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 12:10

He doesnt show any other signs of depression really.... I have wondered about whether he should see a gp about low sex drive..... he has gone on the defensive when i suggested it.

OP posts:
Snakeonaplane · 02/03/2012 12:14

What a horrible thing to say, you can't do much about that. He's telling you he can only be happy when you are not for me that would be the end that and the no sex thing. OP you deserve better.

Original poster
namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 12:15

Thinking about it I had 'flu recently and he was more affectionate with me then than he has for ages. cuddles etc. He said he liked it when I "needed" him. I laughed it off at the time but fuck thats not good is it.

I keep swinging between irrational anger about how he spoke to me and thinking its my fault for not making him know how much i love him

bugger

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 02/03/2012 12:18

Just wondering if you cuddle/sit close on the sofa/do other non-sexual but snuggly things? Perhaps he is afraid he will not meet your standards in bed (from his pov, not saying you are actually like that!)

WineGoggles · 02/03/2012 12:18

Namechanger1979, as you say he can?t help how he feels and it?s great that he can tell you straight. Have you tried getting to the bottom of why it is he feels that way? Maybe he grew up hearing that unless a wife depends on the husband he?s a failure in some way?

ThePinkPussycat · 02/03/2012 12:18

interesting x-post

dancingonthinice · 02/03/2012 12:21

You can't go back to being dependent on him, you are moving forward in your life. I think your relationship is in real trouble, no sex and he doesn't fancy you as much because you are doing well basically.

He seems to see you in the mummy role and thats it.

Prehaps counselling (sp?) would help.

lovesineffable · 02/03/2012 12:21

so, he loves you most when you are ill or incapacitated?
I'm struggling to see this in a positive light, perhaps given time he will adjust if you make it clear that you're not prepared to let him suppress you?
Possibly having someone to fight against will make you more determined to succeed?
I know I've had partners who tried to hold me back and it just made me dig my heels in more.

But ultimately it is hurtful I think, to find that someone wants to keep you down to make them feel better

dancingonthinice · 02/03/2012 12:23

lovesin youv'e just made me think of misery, the SK film.

Original poster
namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 12:24

:) crosspost.

WE do still cuddle and occasionally kiss. In the evenings we tend to sit on different sofas. we often don't go to bed at the same time. He likes to go to bed later than me. He always lies with his back to me in bed though..... always has done. says he finds it more comfy that way. Ocassionally I'll suggest an early night. he'll generally put a film on and we might cuddle but then one of us ( normally me) will fall asleep. it never leads to sex though. If i try and initiate something he'll be too tried etc.

OP posts:
lovesineffable · 02/03/2012 12:27

misery is a rather extreme example!
Since the husband has come clean about how he feels it be easy to deal with him.
The difficult ones are the cunning ones who dont let you know that they feel threatened, but who find some way to 'hobble' you so that you are permanently incapacitated

fuzzpig · 02/03/2012 12:30

A partner should be [apologies for cheesy song quote] the wind beneath your wings. Not the person trying to clip them.