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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh fancies me less now I'm more "independent" what can I do?

129 replies

namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 11:44

First thing to say is I love DH very much. he still makes me smile and there is noone else in the world I would rather spend time with. We been together for 10 yrs and have 3 beautiful children..... I got pregnant with DS1 about 6 months after we met so apart from the last 12 months I have either been pregnant or breastfeeding all the time we were together.

However the elephant in the room for some time is our sex life. It is completely non existent now.... I guess we last had sex 6 months ago and it wasnt great at all. I have tried to initiate sex in that time but he is always "too tired" or "not up for it". fair enough. but there has been nothing from him at all. Our sex life was good when we got together but some things ( like his reluctance to give oral sex but to be happy to get it) that have always been a problem.

In the last 6 months I have lost nearly 2 stone, got the job of my dreams and really got my mojo back. I feel sexier and happier in every other aspect of my life than I have before

We had a chat last night and he feels like I'm TOO independent at the moment. He says he misses me needing him (financially/ emotionally) like I did when I was pregnant. And because of that he doesnt "fancy" me like he did before :(

I'm obviously a bit gutted. not sure what i can do about that. I dont know how i feel about being married to someone who finds it sexy to have a woman dependent on him. And I'm not sure how I can be be like that again...... I'm wondering if it might be a deal breaker but our family is happy in every other way.

What can I do? thanks and sorry for the long posting

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 02/03/2012 12:31

We had similar problems re differing bed times. Afternoon delight was a partial solution, however with DC this may not be feasible for everyone Grin

lovesineffable · 02/03/2012 12:34

I've found that men often assume that a woman will care more about his happiness than she does about her own success and well being.

that she will follow convention and put her man first.

It's probably a risky gamble!

pickledsiblings · 02/03/2012 12:34

Take up a new hobby together - maybe even something that he is likely to be a bit better at than you - cycling/tennis/skiing/running/squash???

AmberLeaf · 02/03/2012 12:35

He sounds like a selfish, insecure controlling prick TBH!

lovesineffable · 02/03/2012 12:40

yes, take up tennis and make sure you let him winHmm

wordfactory · 02/03/2012 12:44

OP have you told him that you still need him?

I am a very confident woman with a successful career in my own right. I have lots of friends and offers. Yet I still need my DH. He's my rock innit?

But I do tell him...

DumSpiroSpero · 02/03/2012 12:54

I'm inclined to agree with wordfactory - perhaps you just need to make it clear to him that you do need him but in other ways (not least the bedroom Grin!

It sounds like a lot has changed in the last 6-12 months and it's probably a hell of shock to the system - just because his inital reaction is a bit Hmm doesn't necessarily mean he's a selfish twat - he might just need some time to get his head around things moving forward.

If he can't or won't however....not so good.

MothershipG · 02/03/2012 12:54

Can I play Devil's Advocate? I have no experience of this sort of situation but looking at it from the outside it seems to me that you have seriously moved the goal posts.

For the vast majority of your relationship your partnership has been based on him being the breadwinner and you being at home, now, in the course of a very short space of time, that has changed radically and he's is obviously finding the change difficult.

So I wouldn't castigate him for struggling with it but you need to work out together how you are going to cope with this new dynamic. And he needs to deal with his self esteem being so tied up with being 'needed'. Only you will know if these are issues you can resolve between you or if you need outside help.

This is a crisis point in your relationship but not an emergency so give yourselves time to work it through and don't feel you need to make any hasty decisions.

lovesineffable · 02/03/2012 12:56

well said mothership!

MothershipG · 02/03/2012 12:56

And DumSpiroSpero says it so much more succinctly than my waffle Smile

Original poster
namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 13:04

Honestly he is not selfish ( has taken an unpaid career break early in our relationship so I could work more hours/ further my career for example). I think he knows how much i need appreciate him... maybe i just need to say it a bit more ??? I wouldnt though ever be able to make myself "vunerable" so he'd fancy me though- dont think i could. And as for letting him beat me at sport. lol

I think the main problem I have is getting him to realise that we have a problem. I dont think he was being nasty saying how he felt , just honest. When I asked him if he knew long it was since we had sex he said " about 4 weeks" Confused - is not.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 13:06

Thanks mothership- i was catastrophizing a bit! need to get some perspective

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2012 13:07

Your marriage is in big trouble, this type of abuse as well is insidious in its onset.

He does not have to be controlling in other ways; he is using your improved appearance (well done you for doing so well btw) to beat you up with. That type of controlling abuse is not acceptable and you should not tolerate this at all from him. He also likes you dependent on him, he will not tolerate otherwise from you.

Talking to him as well won't make any difference longer term, this is too deeply ingrained within his psyche (I am wondering what he learnt about relationships from his own parents). He does not think he is doing anything wrong.

You made this comment earlier:-
"I like the idea of bigging him up a bit I can see this is coming from problems he has but I cant help but feel rejected".

What problems has he had?
You cannot save or rescue him, you do realise this don;t you?.

He is being very selfish, is this really what you want in or from a man?. As long as he gets his needs met he is okay and he also likes you being dependent on him (when you were pg for instance you were more dependent on him, he likes having that power over you). This is about power and control. You changing is threatening to him and he is losing that power over you, he probably thinks that you're going to run off with someone else. I would also argue he is withholding sex deliberately to get back at you. He is not doing anything to address the sex problem.

Joint counselling is a no-no in such situations because he is being controlling; I would suggest you talk this through alone with an impartial counsellor.

Would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

DumSpiroSpero · 02/03/2012 13:08

Makes a change for me!

I've been through similar with my DH fairly recently. I worked when DD was small but was made redundant and took 18 months off before she started school so he got used to having a SAH wife (which was never a long term option financially).

By the time I started working again, DD was at an age where she was more independent and within about 18 months I was really starting to get my mojo back, had more financial independence, went out more (not much but more than virtually never), made new friends, went back to an old and much-loved hobby...

The last year has been a bit a roller coaster as a result but I think we're finally getting there! Grin

ThePinkPussycat · 02/03/2012 13:10

OP I think the idea is not to 'let him win' but to pick something he will win at Grin

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2012 13:10

Actually this guy has more than enough power within the relationship already; he certainly does not need any more.

sherbetpips · 02/03/2012 13:18

Previously I would have said dont be daft. However I now have two good friends who are divorced for this very reason. Theirs husbands met them as independent working women, they had a couple of kids each and their husbands got used to them being stay at home mums, dependent on them.
Both marriages failed once it was clear the women were not going to give up work. One was in a very succesful role, the other a pretty everyday one so I cant even say it was jealousy or competitiveness. I guess the only thing I would say is as women we do tend to overshare (hence why mums net exists). Men dont do it quite the same so coming home and whinging/boasting about work might not be the best way forward. If he wants a bit of attention and you love each other I am sure you can figure out a way to satisfy him/stroke his ego whilst still having your independence. No one said marriage was easy!!

pickledsiblings · 02/03/2012 13:26

I didn't say 'let him win'! It just sounds to me that he could do to feel better than you good at something.

MardyArsedMidlander · 02/03/2012 13:37

Great- so the way to have a good marriage is not to come home and talk about work and to find a sport your hubby can beat you at Sad.
What about a man loving you BECAUSE you are succesful, sexy and don't need him but WANT him?
Or do we still have to play silly games?

NarkedPuffin · 02/03/2012 13:45

So it's been six months since you had sex but when you asked him he guessed at 4 weeks? When did the sex start tailing off?

solidgoldbrass · 02/03/2012 13:46

Does he give any indication at all that he is ashamed of his wish for you to be weak and inferior? If so, it's possible that there might be something left to work with, because wanting your partner to be weak and inferior is shameful, and if a person can acknowledge shameful feelings and work on not acting them out, then things can improve.
If he is basically telling you to get back in your place or be punished by the withdrawal of his 'love' see a solicitor and make plans to get rid of him. It's actually unsafe to live with a man who thinks women are lesser beings.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 02/03/2012 13:53

I would guess that it's less about him not fancying you any more and actually more about him having lower self esteem. I know everyone's different, but I tend to feel less sexy when I feel rubbish about myself/ insecure etc.

there must be a way to increase his self-esteem without you having to lose your independance!

cantpooinpeace · 02/03/2012 13:54

I wouldn't say this is worth giving up on. If there's more good times than bad then it's worth fighting for just gotta work through things - tell him how hearing that made you feel.

Original poster
namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 13:54

solidgoldbrass.... i think he was embarassed. he certainly tried to change the subject... and I think the "4 weeks" was an attempt to minimise the problem iyswim.

nakedpuffin, early september was when we last had sex.... after a party. we had both had a bit to drink. Its difficult to tell when it started to tail off. I guess we started being less affectionate about 12 months ago ish... but difficult to say.

OP posts:
UtherTheTerrible · 02/03/2012 13:55

Do you think he gets his satisfaction and his validation from being "needed"? Fixing things, being helpful, providing, offering to do things instead of you so that he's the one who's done the service? We all like to do things for our partners but it can reach a very unhealthy point in some people where they gain far too much of their self-worth and enjoyment out of being the one doing something for the other. Their identity becomes wrapped up in being the one who over and over again has done the favour and put themselves out to do something, and is selfless and giving.

How does he react when you do things for him like pay for something or bring him something he wanted? Does he like it or would he prefer that is was him doing it so he could get the glow of being the provider?

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