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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh fancies me less now I'm more "independent" what can I do?

129 replies

namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 11:44

First thing to say is I love DH very much. he still makes me smile and there is noone else in the world I would rather spend time with. We been together for 10 yrs and have 3 beautiful children..... I got pregnant with DS1 about 6 months after we met so apart from the last 12 months I have either been pregnant or breastfeeding all the time we were together.

However the elephant in the room for some time is our sex life. It is completely non existent now.... I guess we last had sex 6 months ago and it wasnt great at all. I have tried to initiate sex in that time but he is always "too tired" or "not up for it". fair enough. but there has been nothing from him at all. Our sex life was good when we got together but some things ( like his reluctance to give oral sex but to be happy to get it) that have always been a problem.

In the last 6 months I have lost nearly 2 stone, got the job of my dreams and really got my mojo back. I feel sexier and happier in every other aspect of my life than I have before

We had a chat last night and he feels like I'm TOO independent at the moment. He says he misses me needing him (financially/ emotionally) like I did when I was pregnant. And because of that he doesnt "fancy" me like he did before :(

I'm obviously a bit gutted. not sure what i can do about that. I dont know how i feel about being married to someone who finds it sexy to have a woman dependent on him. And I'm not sure how I can be be like that again...... I'm wondering if it might be a deal breaker but our family is happy in every other way.

What can I do? thanks and sorry for the long posting

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 02/03/2012 21:45

ok so it's not big for you care, it obviously is for the OP and is post 3 children size that she wanted to come back from. it's not a slight on you.

Original poster
namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 21:48

shit sorry I didnt mean to offend anyone who is a size 14..... maybe I should have put " 2 stone bigger than my normal weight" I think everyone has a different "target weight" based on height/ boob size/frame.

anyway I'm going to bed now. Hes still "busy working" in the other room. and "will be up in a bit" hey ho. thanks for everyones advice.

I'll try and get some time just the two of us so we can really talk.

thanks again

OP posts:
AyeRobot · 02/03/2012 21:48

Can you step back and see the big picture? You are finding your groove in life and this could (I hope) keep you going for the rest of your life. Unless he tries to stop you. How fucked up do you have to be as a person to want to do that to someone else, especially the one person who you would expect to be your chief supporter?

Is he usually an honest person, who lets you know what he's thinking?

carernotasaint · 02/03/2012 21:52

Sorry name changer. I see what you mean. We are all different builds and so we are diff sizes as well.
Well done on what youve acheived. You deserve so much better name changer.

Mumsyblouse · 02/03/2012 22:02

Witholding intimacy is such a massive control thing, and it feels so awful to be on the receiving end of it. Of course you shoudn't have to put on weight and stop getting out there and succeeding in the wider world to sexually attract your husband. Also, I have a sneaking suspicion that even if you did, he still wouldn't be all over you like a rash.

MardyArsedMidlander · 03/03/2012 12:30

Having a 'self' is not being selfish. It's just part of being human. Yes, you could put on loads more weight and keep having more and more children and totally give up any ideas of your own- but what would be the cost?

Bluebelle38 · 03/03/2012 15:18

Sounds to me like when you need him he feels safe that you won't leave him. He sounds really insecure and if he is not meeting your needs in the bedroom department (and he knows it, no doubt) then he is even more threatened.

Saying it has been a month when it has been 6 month sinceyou had sex is ridiculous.

He should be sorting that out. I would not be happy if a partner refused sex for 6 months and refused to do sweet FA about the situation.

I bet he is really worried the fabulous new and shiny you (not that you weren't already) will meet someone else.

Instead of supporting you, he thinks it is OK to attack your new found indepedence. Tell him to stop acting like a big whiny baby and cop himself on.

ThePinkPussycat · 03/03/2012 21:44

Also I would say have a care re work OP. Mine sabotaged my career by playing games that made a noise on our second computer while I was trying to do academic work on the other one. When I was in a job (well, before, during and after actually) he hardly gave me a hand around the house. He wasn't working himself at the time either.

Jux · 04/03/2012 01:02

Do have a care OP. you would not be the first who found that their wonderful new job became impossible to do because of sabotage. Nip anything that could be construed that way in the bud.

izzyizin · 04/03/2012 04:07

Either he's a deeply insecure individual who needs therapy or he's a semi secure individual who's getting his rocks off elsewhere.

Neither of which are reasons for you to deviate from your chosen path or compromise your goals and ambitions in any way, shape, or form.

You go, gal - and if he falls by the wayside you'll know that he never had your best interests at heart.

PessimisticMissPiggy · 04/03/2012 05:35

I'm a strong independent bloody minded woman but I admit that I give my DH number of 'easy wins' to boost him sometimes if I think that he feels a bit of a spare part.

For example, I'll pretend not to know something (work related -same field- general knowledge) and have him help me out, ask him to lift/drill holes etc.. I'd feel pushed out if he suddenly didn't need me to make his fave meal (cos he read the recipe book).

Finallygotaroundtoit · 04/03/2012 05:49

I'd say gay as well and using 'the need to be needed' as a smoke screen Sad

mathanxiety · 04/03/2012 06:14

'The problem is getting him to see I still love him etc as a partner but just because I am thinner and more attractive and earning more money doesn't mean I don't still love him/ need him/ want to shag him. Its hard because I don't want to damage his ego any more by saying "aren't you terrible only fancying a vulnerable woman", but at the same time I feel angry with him for feeling like that.'

No, the problem is that you think this is the problem. The problem is that you have been suckered into this little game of trying to prove to him that you still love him that he is playing with you. You are playing the game of trying to hit the goalposts that he has moved.

This has happened because you really do love him, you love him more than he loves you, and you value the mutuality of he relationship more than he does. He is willing to deprive you of the sign of being loved that you need so that you will give him the feeling of being a man that he gets from you being dependent/mum, as opposed to sexual partner.

You are not responsible for the state of his ego, and playing this game with him, stroking his ego, etc., is a game that you will never win.

Listen to that anger of yours. It is very healthy.

You are not being selfish. He has given you a stark choice here: be yourself, the best Namechanger you can be, or become the equivalent of the old fashioned way of addressing married women, Mrs [Hname] [Hsurname], with your identity erased.

Don't give up your day job, as they say. You will need the income if he doesn't grow up.

mathanxiety · 04/03/2012 06:21

Another thing you can do besides keeping focused on your job is reread Hattytown's great post.

And don't discount the gay bit either.

WelshMoth · 04/03/2012 07:53

How do you feel, OP?

It's an awful lot for you to take in, reading all this. But don't let it scare you off. Hope you're ok.

DumSpiroSpero · 04/03/2012 08:47

I'm really quite surprised at the amount of vitriol being aimed at the OP's husband on here. Perhaps he is gay/abusive/misogynistic/selfish/controlling/a complete bastard, but given the OP's description of their marriage to date, and the fact that all this is based on one, very recent admission of less than ideal feelings, some of this stuff is very strong imho.

At this stage, I think discussion is needed, not histrionics. If OP sits him down and says, "What you said the other day about not fancying me now I'm more independent really hurt me and it worries me, and so does our lack of a sex life. I still love and need you, but I need my own identity too and I think you should be proud of me for what I've achieved, so we need to have a talk about how we're going to work through this."

If he can't/won't listen and does start being more difficult, fine, perhaps it is time to call it a day but it's very early days to go down that road imho.

Also, playing devil's advocate here, if a woman came on and said "I'm quite happy to receive oral sex but I don't like giving blow jobs" - I very much doubt the reaction would be "You should love your man's body or you must be gay". Hmm (not that it isn't disappointing if you've got a man that is reluctant in that dept Grin).

toptramp · 04/03/2012 09:42

I think he deserves a pasting. It's just wierd. And controlling. Very, very controlling. For me this would be a MASSIVE red flag op.

DontLikeOral · 04/03/2012 09:45

DumSpiro I agree. I've name changed for this as DH knows my username, but I really don't enjoy oral sex and I'm definitely not gay! DH knows I'm not happy to it (no hygiene issues).

I think that there is too much amateur psychoanalysis going on here, OP asked what she could do, not whether or not her husband is gay.

EssentialFattyAcid · 04/03/2012 09:51

Lots has changed for you and your DH hasn't kept up with the changes.
He has confessed that he wants to feel needed and defined how he does feel needed (or otherwise) in the relationship. Why not get your DH to have some counselling and work through his feelings? Does he know that you value him for much more than being able to financially provide?

If he doesn't want to get counselling, or if it makes no difference once he has done it, then listen to the posters who are warning you about the relationship - but if things have been good in your relationship previously I wouldn't give it up without trying to fix it.

swallowedAfly · 04/03/2012 09:52

no one said him not giving head makes him gay!

most have said that it is a sign of someone who is happy to take but doesn't like giving and that they find a man who is yukked by a woman's genitals to have other issues with women too.

DumSpiroSpero · 04/03/2012 16:09

Ok, badly phrased, but there's been a lot of mentions of the not liking giving oral sex and all sorts of analysis of it. Some people just don't like it (fwiw I'm not one of them Wink ) and if a woman came on saying the same thing we'd all be saying "fine, your choice, don't do it if you don't want to," not, as has been the case here, "You're selfish/must be gay/ have issues with men."

Bit of a double standard, that's all.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2012 17:00

How odd that out of all the red flags about this man, some are focussing on the "not giving oral" bit

A bit of projection going on, I think

'cos you don't like giving oral, this means he must be a fine outstanding chap after all ?

I don't think so...

sonicrainboom · 04/03/2012 17:20

Well there is one thing you can do OP...leave him :) And go ahead with your life without someone who needs to keep you down in order to care about you.

carernotasaint · 04/03/2012 17:46

"Never let the hand you hold,hold you down" quoted by The Feministic Mind on twitter.

DumSpiroSpero · 04/03/2012 17:53

I didn't say I think he's a fine outstanding chap AF - just give the bloke a chance.

Yes, he has issues and he needs to deal with them. If he doesn't OP should absolutely consider her future with him.

And you misunderstood my comment about oral sex - I have no problem with it at all from either perspective, and fully appreciate how frustrating it is to have a partner that doesn't feel the same.