Dh fancies me less now I'm more "independent" what can I do?

[namechanger1979]

First thing to say is I love DH very much. he still makes me smile and there is noone else in the world I would rather spend time with. We been together for 10 yrs and have 3 beautiful children..... I got pregnant with DS1 about 6 months after we met so apart from the last 12 months I have either been pregnant or breastfeeding all the time we were together.

However the elephant in the room for some time is our sex life. It is completely non existent now.... I guess we last had sex 6 months ago and it wasnt great at all. I have tried to initiate sex in that time but he is always "too tired" or "not up for it". fair enough. but there has been nothing from him at all. Our sex life was good when we got together but some things ( like his reluctance to give oral sex but to be happy to get it) that have always been a problem.

In the last 6 months I have lost nearly 2 stone, got the job of my dreams and really got my mojo back. I feel sexier and happier in every other aspect of my life than I have before

We had a chat last night and he feels like I'm TOO independent at the moment. He says he misses me needing him (financially/ emotionally) like I did when I was pregnant. And because of that he doesnt "fancy" me like he did before :(

I'm obviously a bit gutted. not sure what i can do about that. I dont know how i feel about being married to someone who finds it sexy to have a woman dependent on him. And I'm not sure how I can be be like that again...... I'm wondering if it might be a deal breaker but our family is happy in every other way.

What can I do? thanks and sorry for the long posting

The oral thing is a bit of a red herring. It's not the central issue here.

What I see as odd is the interpretation that all was lovely in the relationship up to now. It is clear, to me anyway, that this man was perfectly happy to see the OP as a baby producer and feeder but is having a big problem seeing her as a whole woman. She saw herself as a woman all through her baby bearing and feeding days, and it is now coming as a shock to her that while she had thought of herself as a three dimensional individual, her H has been seeing her in a different light.

She has been either pregnant or breastfeeding for almost their entire relationship. She hints that there has not been mutuality (the oral bit). I think the lack of mutuality goes deeper. Sometimes when you're up to your eyes with babies, pregnancy, breastfeeding, you are sort of like a train on a track and you think all the wagons are clipped properly together and all going in the same direction. It ain't necessarily so. The OP and her H could have been getting different rewards entirely from her constant state of pregnancy of baby and small child care.

The questions to ask are, why is the H feeling the way he is and what is he going to do about it? Why was he more comfortable with things the way they were? What is the link to the sex problems they have? (Is there a link to the sex problems they have?) I think Hattytown has answered most of those questions. I also think he is well aware that they have a problem and is refusing to acknowledge it because that would mean the next issue would be 'What are you going to do about it?' It looks bleak.

math, I agree

dunno why people are focussing on the oral/no oral thing

Sorry, replying to a message from aaages ago...

mumsy - resolvable with therapy. But as we all know, therapy only works if you want it to work...

Someone up-thread mentioned feeders which feeds back to my horribly pop psychology diagnosis. That is a nasty form of White Knight Syndrome. It can be - but isn't always ? quite abusive, and is almost always an effect of a miserable childhood. Children of alcoholics for example.

namechanger, if you don't want to leave, it might be worth looking into. But math is right, if he doesn't want to change, well, you're at a bit of a standstill

I do not believe he doesnt fancy you, i think he told you that to kick you back down as he cant stand the new confident you.