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Original poster

Dh fancies me less now I'm more "independent" what can I do?

129 replies

namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 11:44

First thing to say is I love DH very much. he still makes me smile and there is noone else in the world I would rather spend time with. We been together for 10 yrs and have 3 beautiful children..... I got pregnant with DS1 about 6 months after we met so apart from the last 12 months I have either been pregnant or breastfeeding all the time we were together.

However the elephant in the room for some time is our sex life. It is completely non existent now.... I guess we last had sex 6 months ago and it wasnt great at all. I have tried to initiate sex in that time but he is always "too tired" or "not up for it". fair enough. but there has been nothing from him at all. Our sex life was good when we got together but some things ( like his reluctance to give oral sex but to be happy to get it) that have always been a problem.

In the last 6 months I have lost nearly 2 stone, got the job of my dreams and really got my mojo back. I feel sexier and happier in every other aspect of my life than I have before

We had a chat last night and he feels like I'm TOO independent at the moment. He says he misses me needing him (financially/ emotionally) like I did when I was pregnant. And because of that he doesnt "fancy" me like he did before :(

I'm obviously a bit gutted. not sure what i can do about that. I dont know how i feel about being married to someone who finds it sexy to have a woman dependent on him. And I'm not sure how I can be be like that again...... I'm wondering if it might be a deal breaker but our family is happy in every other way.

What can I do? thanks and sorry for the long posting

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 02/03/2012 18:18

so even at the beginning of the relationship he didn't like giving you pleasure and turned his back on you to go to sleep? that makes me feel really sad for you that you didn't see that that was an issue, that he wasn't an intimate person etc.

a man not liking going down on women is a no no for me because it says a lot. i like men who love women's bodies and are not scared of them or repulsed by them funnily enough and who love giving pleasure. if a guy is weird about your fanjo he's weird about women and he sees you as a thing for his pleasure rather than someone to be pleasured. it may seem a small thing but it's the tip of the iceberg.

now that he knows it's been 6 months does he show willing to do anything about it or still huffy if you try to discuss it?

OriginalJamie · 02/03/2012 18:21

I like men who love women's bodies and are not scared of them or repulsed by them funnily enough and who love giving pleasure. if a guy is weird about your fanjo he's weird about women and he sees you as a thing for his pleasure rather than someone to be pleasured. it may seem a small thing but it's the tip of the iceberg.

this is very true.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2012 18:24

How about "get over yourself you limp-dicked needy cunt?"

Grin
OriginalJamie · 02/03/2012 18:28

a little

AnyFucker · 02/03/2012 18:30

just a smidge Smile

Hattytown · 02/03/2012 18:32

Agree with those who've said this is the most spectacular red-herring.....or as it's commonly called, manipulation.

He's obviously got issues about sex, or sex with you OP. Thing is, apart from the first 6 months, he's never known you as a woman without children. You could therefore be forgiven for failing to spot the raging Madonna/Whore complex he's got going on, but taking oral sex and refusing to give it is a pretty major clue, it's just that you'd have only seen that in hindsight.

Unless he's asexual, I'd be very suspicious about the outlet he really uses for his sex drive. Porn? Other women whom he can put into the 'sex class'?

His ideal woman is a needy sort with low self-esteem who constantly needs rescuing, but will act like a porn star in the bedroom, put her own sexual needs way below his and won't make any demands on him to leave his competent, successful and high-esteemed wife.

I think the issues run very deep here OP. He's hiding something massive and this latest attempt to ruin your confidence and esteem is a smokescreen for that.

I don't think there's much hope for a relationship with a man like that, but the very worst thing you could do would be to pander to it or put any brakes on your success and ability to feel good about yourself. Focus on what's good about your life and the people who wish you well, not the ones who bring you down with their own inadequacies, jealousies and need to punish you.

AnyFucker · 02/03/2012 18:33

Gosh, she's good that Hatty one

fuckmybackiskillingme · 02/03/2012 18:36

Mmmm, it can take many, many years to find out who and what someone really is. I think your DH has revealed his true colours, (though, quite frankly, his reluctance to give oral sex should have made you suspicious long ago) He should be delighted for you, but instead he is threatened by your new vitality and job. I doubt his attitude will improve, he may make a token effort shortly, but it won't last. His weakness has been exposed, and it won't go away.

Jux · 02/03/2012 18:58

He's been honest with you, so presumably you can be honest with him. Tell him how you feel and take it from there.

ActiveC · 02/03/2012 19:24

He says he misses me needing him (financially/ emotionally) like I did when I was pregnant. And because of that he doesn?t "fancy" me like he did before

Your DP sounds like he has deep routed psychological issues insecure to me...... Know this, if he isn?t getting it from you, has getting it from somewhere else. As has told you what the problem is, unless you are happy to keep birthing babies, maybe you should think about calling time on your relationship?

There?s a fetish called feeders whereby a man is only attracted to women who are seriously overweight and continue to feed them until they are bed bound and totally dependent on them for everything. Should the woman loose enough weight to render her sufficiently mobile, the man will loose interest and find another.

madonnawhore · 02/03/2012 19:42

There's nothing you can do about him feeling like that.

This is all to do with his own inadequacies.

But rather than work on them himself, it's easier for him to just drag you down to where he wants you.

He sounds like a bit of a knob to be honest.

AyeRobot · 02/03/2012 19:47

Well, at least he's being honest about only being able to function in a relationship if his partner is less than him. Plenty of men act like that, but few admit it.

You know what you're working with, so that's a blessing in the sense that the situation is clear, rather than having to scrabble around in the dark. What does he intend to do about it, given that the status quo is untenable?

And massive kudos to you in achieving what you have. Especially in the face of obstruction.

Dozer · 02/03/2012 19:59

Think scarlett and hetty have nailed it, the key issue is that he doesn't want ti have sex with you, he's hiding something to do with his sexuality and / or habits, the crap he's saying is filiblustering (?) / smokescreen.

Dozer · 02/03/2012 20:02

Could he be gay?

I say this because I know someone , also with 3 DC, who was bisexual, but he wanted a family / straight life, and didn't tell his wife until DC were in teens and although he did love her he couldn't take it anymore Sad he too needed to be needed, avoided sex etc.

Original poster
namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 20:41

sorry back after getting children sorted.

I'm sure he's straight I'm also sure he's not having a affair. I suspect he might have a low sex drive though. Although I'm now starting to doubt myself !!!

I have typed about 6 things but deleted them all.

The main thing to say is I've no plans to change what I'm doing with my life. I would like to be with him. Apart from sex things are genuinely good and i do love him( ffs I cant believe I just typed that!!).

We did have a chat last night but still no sex. we had a lovely tea with children, put them to bed together, had a laugh and a joke. now children in bed hes doing work in the other room and im on internet watching telly. I'm in tears now as I asked if he wanted an early night and he breezily said "yeah maybe I'm busy just now". whatever.

You've given me lots to think about ( and AF; loving your work :) )

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 02/03/2012 21:01

OP - I haven't read all the replies but wanted to say that this happened to me, too.

When i met my exH and for the first 10 years of my marriage he was needed and he was happy.
When I became more confident, capable and assertive (and happy myself) he became more and more unhappy.
He needed to be needed and for a while I pretended - but it became too hard, as his behaviour, totally inadvertently, came across as controlling Sad

The deal breaker for me was when I spent the afternoon at a friends 40th - celebrated in the style of a ladies garden party Smile I felt fabulous in the floaty dress I'd worn for the occasion - but after changing into grotty gardening clothes, exH said to me 'ah, that's better! I've got my wife back' Sad

I'm now with a wonderful man who finds confident, capable, assertive women very attractive Grin

Original poster
namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 21:08

oh shit notadisney mum that is EXACTLY the sort of thing he would say. and I dont think he even realises how hurtful it is.

I'm so torn as to what to do. The more I think about it the more selfish I feel.....

OP posts:
AyeRobot · 02/03/2012 21:15

Why are you being selfish?

Do you think his attitude is selfish?

swallowedAfly · 02/03/2012 21:29

selfish for not wanting to be a little thing kept in a little box that acts as a comfort blanket for a little person? nope.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 02/03/2012 21:31

How on earth are you being selfish? Shock
He should be thrilled that you have made so much of yourself and that he has a high-achieving gorgeous wife who loves and fancies him. Any decent man would be.
Instead he's choosing to rain on your parade.

DumSpiroSpero · 02/03/2012 21:38

You are not being selfish at all - as much as I have 'defended' your OH, on the grounds that he has admitted this issue and sounds like an alright bloke otherwise - it is not you that has the problem here.

You have every right to be the best person you can be for yourself and he should support you with that and be proud of you. If, as he has admitted, he has some kind of problem with that, he needs to deal with it.

If he can't - then it's your call to decided where you go from there.

Original poster
namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 21:39

Oh fuck it ! its so difficult to put into words.
It sounds daft but I never thought I'd find myself in this situation.
I know I'm "fanciable". I know I could pull someone else. But I just want my husband to fancy me. It feels selfish because in the grand scheme of things its not a big deal is it. I could spend the rest of my life getting pregnant and being a size 14 and not having a social life and keep my family. Bu8t thats not the person I am

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 02/03/2012 21:41

listen, you have every right to be happy, every right to have a life, every right to be fulfilled and the best you can be. anyone who tells you, or otherwise makes you feel, otherwise is wrong. keep on being you. how he responds is up to him but don't be cowed into shrinking for him.

swallowedAfly · 02/03/2012 21:42

you're not doing anything wrong you're just being yourself. he should love you as in who that self is, not a pregnant needy thing that makes him feel good.

carernotasaint · 02/03/2012 21:44

Sorry but i dont think size 14 is big at all. Its the size im trying to get back down to.