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Relationships

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Original poster

Dh fancies me less now I'm more "independent" what can I do?

129 replies

namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 11:44

First thing to say is I love DH very much. he still makes me smile and there is noone else in the world I would rather spend time with. We been together for 10 yrs and have 3 beautiful children..... I got pregnant with DS1 about 6 months after we met so apart from the last 12 months I have either been pregnant or breastfeeding all the time we were together.

However the elephant in the room for some time is our sex life. It is completely non existent now.... I guess we last had sex 6 months ago and it wasnt great at all. I have tried to initiate sex in that time but he is always "too tired" or "not up for it". fair enough. but there has been nothing from him at all. Our sex life was good when we got together but some things ( like his reluctance to give oral sex but to be happy to get it) that have always been a problem.

In the last 6 months I have lost nearly 2 stone, got the job of my dreams and really got my mojo back. I feel sexier and happier in every other aspect of my life than I have before

We had a chat last night and he feels like I'm TOO independent at the moment. He says he misses me needing him (financially/ emotionally) like I did when I was pregnant. And because of that he doesnt "fancy" me like he did before :(

I'm obviously a bit gutted. not sure what i can do about that. I dont know how i feel about being married to someone who finds it sexy to have a woman dependent on him. And I'm not sure how I can be be like that again...... I'm wondering if it might be a deal breaker but our family is happy in every other way.

What can I do? thanks and sorry for the long posting

OP posts:

Original poster

namechanger1979 · 02/03/2012 14:03

I do think he feels he needs to be needed. All money goes into a joint pot so never a case of me/ him paying for stuff.

The problem is getting him to see I still love him etc as a partner but just because I am thinner and more attractive and earning more money doesnt mean I dont still love him/ need him/ want to shag him. Its hard because I dont want to damage his ego any more by saying" arent you terrible only fancying a vunerable woman", but at the same time I feel angry with him for feeling like that.

I dont know.

OP posts:

NarkedPuffin · 02/03/2012 14:08

I'm asking because if it used to be eg once a week or more and it's gotten to six months and he thinks it's only a month, is it possible he's cheating?

If it has always been irregular and he has low desire or if he's on medication or has depression or if he's a heavy porn user then it's probably not that.

fiventhree · 02/03/2012 14:12

Perhaps you both need to dig under the surace issues to get to the real feelings.

eg If your job/appearance makes him feel ...what? Insecure? is that it, does he say? And, then, what is that insecurity about? What does he fear will happen?
And does that make him feel less able in bed, or more judged? (not that you judge him, what he feels about himself).

And for you... how does his disinterest in sex and lack of comfort with your independence make you feel?

His biggest insecurity is probably that you will come not to need him. But unless you can sort this out, it may come about that you end up feeling that you dont need him, because of the long term consequences of his attitude.

The thing is, you feel desired at work, and appreciated. What can he do to get that from you?

DumSpiroSpero · 02/03/2012 14:13

Tell him that!

I'm also wondering if as you said the last time 6 months ago wasn't the best, and since then you've lost all this weight and your confidence has shot up, he feels under pressure that he's got more to prove iykwim?

Still his issue, not yours though. Could you have a weekend away or even just a night without the kids and try and get back on more of a 'coupley' footing? Perhaps it might remind him of who you were before the DC's came along and he'll realise that you haven't so much changed as gone back to person he originally fell for.

Not sure I'm making my point terribly well but hopefully you know what I mean!

schobe · 02/03/2012 14:19

I dunno, my gut feeling is that this story about fancying you more when less independent is just a smoke screen, albeit a spectacularly ill-judged one.

You never really had a chance to form an established sex life did you? Pregnancy and children immediately change the pattern and usually limit it a great deal.

He doesn't like giving oral sex, but is happy to take it. Hmm it all screams issues to me even before you became slimmer, more attractive, independent and confident.

If you can get him to admit that all this wanting you to be needy again is bullshit, then maybe you could get some sort of counselling re your sex life.

If not, and he sticks to this nightmare story, then I personally would have to insist we go our separate ways. I would have a lot of time to make up oral sex-wise

pickledsiblings · 02/03/2012 14:19

I agree that this is an issue of the DH's self esteem not being what it should be. He has most probably always had low self-esteem but because of your recent transformation OP, it has manifest itself now.

scarletforya · 02/03/2012 15:04

Hmmm, I don't buy his explanation. Not fancying you because you're more independant, sorry but it sounds like a red herring to me. It's the type of thing people say when they're covering up something else and want to keep their partner distracted from the actual issue.

If he's not having sex with you and was evasive when it was brought up, it doesn't add up that he'd been nursing an insecurity about you. To me it makes no sense. If he really was insecure about you becoming more attractive and independant he would be trying to have more sex with you and showing MORE interest not less.

I've noticed blaming the other person for lack of sex, is often a tactic people use to deflect attention away from the REAL reason. I'd watch him carefully and look where he is not shining the light and see if he's hiding something.

If that's not the case then he's just ridiculously insecure and you need to bat the ball back into his court, not fluster about changing yourself. You said Its hard because I dont want to damage his ego any more by saying" arent you terrible only fancying a vunerable woman -please don't go down this road of tip-toe-ing around his ego and adjusting YOUR behaviour to compensate for his 'ego'. He needs to be responsible for gaining insight into his own behaviour and correcting it.

It's not healthy for you to start bending yourself into whatever shape he wants in order to enable his insecurity. IF he really is that insecure the worst thing you can do for both of you is pander to it. That's just enabling it.

mojitomania · 02/03/2012 15:22

Sounds like he is feeling inadequate and has very low self-esteem. These however are "his" problems not yours.

OriginalJamie · 02/03/2012 15:58

I agree with sgb. This to me, is about someone who has admitted his feelings, which is a good thing. Is he now prepared that his feeling like that is not rational, and is he prepared to address this.

OriginalJamie · 02/03/2012 16:01

Altough, reading your post scarlet, I think you may also have a point

Kenobi · 02/03/2012 16:07

OP I strongly recommend you google White Knight Syndrome.

Your DH's actions sound like a non-extreme version of this behaviour pattern.

Mumsyblouse · 02/03/2012 16:11

schobe, I agree with you, I think all this independence stuff is a red herring, because it's absolutely inplausible he thinks you had sex four weeks ago, when actually it was over 6 months ago. He has a massive issue with intimacy and sex and one satisfactory way around this has been for you to be pregnant all the time, this is now not the case and the issue over lack of sexual attraction has been laid bare.

All the 'I don't feel needed' is manipulative, and distracting attention from the topic he doesn't want to discuss which is why is his libido so low and what is he going to do about it. I have never heard of anyone who is less attracted physically to their two-stone lighter wife, even if he was a bit threatened by your success at a psychological level.

Of course you need to make people feel wanted and needed, but there's no indication the OP hasn't done this. If anything, she is solicitous of his feelings, both in the bedroom and out. I think he is more worried you will leave him for someone hot at work who actually wants to have sex with you than he is getting a bit limp at the thought of your success.

I am not sure where this leaves you as it seems to me that no amount of talking will resolve his supposed issue about you not needing him now you basically have a life, and he doesn't want to talk about the real issue which he keeps sweeping off the table in the hopes you won't notice.

Kenobi · 02/03/2012 16:11

Here's an example for you:

"As with most white knights, the overly empathic white knight may privately take some of the credit for his partner?s success. Yet he may also view his partner?s success with ambivalence. Because this white knight fears emotional distance, he may worry that if his partner is successful, she may no longer need the relationship or want it to continue. The major psychological forces at work within this white knight are a heightened sense of empathy, excessive guilt, and an intense fear of emotional distance. These forces are manifested in a variety of ways."

Kenobi · 02/03/2012 16:13

mumsy - if this label fits the OP's partner (and I know that labels aren't always helpful, but in this case it seems highly appropriate) it's quite common and very resolvable.

izzyizin · 02/03/2012 17:09

You can grow the fuck up and come along with me and pull your own socks up along the way, or you can fall by the wayside. Either way, you're not the one in charge of the pace or the destination. Make your choice, coward!

With one exception, I second TheCrunch's advice above.

The exception is that I'd change 'Make your choice, coward!' to 'Are you feeling lucky, punk!'

AnyFucker · 02/03/2012 17:22

So, to get your husband "fancying" you again you could try...

give up your job and become financially dependent on him
develop a long term, debilitating disease
engineer a serious accident that renders you helpless
lose all confidence in your own self
become depressed/anxious/needy/otherwise mentally dependent on him, and him alone

Do any of those things sound do-able ? What exactly does he want you to do ?

Mumsyblouse · 02/03/2012 17:29

Kenobi- so how is it resolvable? As AF says, the options are a bit limited. And, the OP has said sex is the elephant in the room.

I just don't buy that people stop fancying each other all of a sudden because of something like this, particularly as he has always been reluctant in that department or they have been prevented by pregnancy/childrearing (which makes him the noble one for not pressuring his partner).

He's come up with a recent reason that blames the OP for his lack of interest in sex. Only she knows if it's plausible or actually if he's always been a bit like this (my suspicion).

carernotasaint · 02/03/2012 17:48

Funny how he dosent seem to have a problem when it comes to accepting oral sex from the OP.

AnyFucker · 02/03/2012 17:49

Do I know you under another name, OP ?

DumSpiroSpero · 02/03/2012 17:49

What exactly does he want you to do ?

To be fair to the OP's DH, he hasn't said he wants her to do anything - he has just admitted how he feels - very clumsily and irrationally admittedly.

If they can talk and move on to the point where he accepts this is his issue and he's willing to deal with it, then fair play to him and good luck to them both.

If he doesn't then (obviously ) leave the bastard!

AnyFucker · 02/03/2012 17:56

So, he hasn't said in so many words what he wants her to do

The implication is quite clear to me, though

What is she meant to do with that information, bearing in mind he has already withdrawn sexually ?

Will he give her a good rogering, for example, if she loses a game of badminton ? If she gives up her job, will he stop rebuffing her need for sex and affection ?

It's quite bizarre. And it's not a problem she can help him with, tbh, unless she reduces herself somehow

Which of course, is not to be recommended

OriginalJamie · 02/03/2012 18:02

If that's the case, the OP then has to point out that she's not going to change herself, so what's he going to do to address these feelings.

FWIW, I think the point of being in relationships is to be able to tell our partners how we feel, even if those feelings are irrational. The real test is whether he's able to examine those feelings truthfully and take responsibility for what he does next.

AnyFucker · 02/03/2012 18:12

The title of OP's thread is "what can I do"

nothing, is the answer

not a fucking thing

apart from stop listening to this shit, and get on with your life

OriginalJamie · 02/03/2012 18:15

Oh I am confused by this one. I read what I wrote and then I thought "but never, in my 22 years with my DH has he ever said anything so crass and, actually, hurtful".

So maybe there is more to this than meets the eye.

Sorry OP, this is probably not helpful. Will bow out now.

Wrongbow · 02/03/2012 18:17

Totally agree that it's his problem, not yours OP. "What can I do?" - the only thing you should do is ask him what he's going to do.

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