Sooooo here goes: I really fancy a man whose wife died of cancer three weeks ago..what to do

[hopefulflusteredguilty]

Have name-changed for this because, oh because I just have. Here's my story - would so appreciate thoughts and advice.

One of my closest friend's sister died of cancer three weeks ago. She left two young boys (6 and 10). My friend is bereft - they were the closest of sisters and of families and she herself (ie friend) has severe health problems, a young child of her own and financial challenges. I have been, and still am, full of compassion and sadness for her and I have done all I can to support her.

When I went to the funeral and prayers (Jewish, so prayers held at deceased person's house for two nights)I was struck by how nice the husband was. I was at school with him but I have not seen him for some thirty years (yes I am ancient). Then when I went to visit my friend, she asked that I visit her at her sister's house because my ds is a similiar age to her late sister's boys, and she didnt want her brother-in-law, who is of course grief-stricken, to be alone on weekends. But there was a connection, a definite and distinct vibe between me and the mourning husband. I've seen him once more, again when I was visiting my friend, and the impression was confirmed.

So what do I do ? I want to respect this man's grief, I dont want to hurt my friend in any way but I also have a strong sense that this man will be involved with someone very soon - and that he likes me. I've been single for some eight months under horrible circumstances (long story but essentially DP left me and DS and havent seen him since) and I know my judgement is skewed ie I am still trying to recover from what has happened to my family.

Would really appreciate advice, especially from someone who knows what it is to lose a loving spouse and can tell me what they would have wanted.

I wouldn't say it is was 'yuk'. We can't help what we feel and who we fancy, and I think there is something about death that makes us feel sexy on a very deep level. I'm not saying people are perverts who get turned on by corpses!! I'm saying that death itself sort of makes some people feel sexy. A very primitive thing. We could be next, better make the most of life kind of thing.

But the sensible advice is to wait and in the meantime have a crush that is harmless and brings pleasure.
He may or may not be after a relationship, but I can guarantee he wants sex. If the opening poster is happy for that, fine. If she wants more, she should wait.

anecdotally, I don't know of any widows who have rushed into relationships soon after being bereaved. I know of a lot of widowers, though- of all ages

I have little doubt that my dad would do it, and am pretty certain that my partner would, also

I think a lot of it is to do with survival, plain and simple. Even now, men need women to look after them

while acknowledging that this happens I am not condoning it. I think it's fucking awful

lissielou I'd agree on the kids, but I think that is different to the general social double standard where a man who quickly remarries will be largely regarded with indulgence, as perhaps weak but understandably so, 'needing to be looked after', whereas a woman would be treated as promiscuous and selfish in a less understanding way, even though she might need just as much 'looking after'. Not saying it is this thread; it's a general way of thinking.

I agree that 'jumping his bones' so soon is a bad idea, too. My point was really that people are going a bit far IMO by saying the OP is 'sick' and bad to even have these feelings at all. It's how she acts on them that makes the difference.

wamster I'm sure it's been established now that a lot of people have a rise in libido after someone close to them dies, as a way of feeling that they are still alive, can feel something besides grief etc. Not to say people should always act on this but it doesn't by definition make them an immoral person.

I agree with mistyo.

I know of a family where the man married weeks after the death of his wife. His children never forgave him.

The man might want comfort and might want to jump straight into a new relationship but when there are children involved he needs to think of them more and himself less.

He might want to start a new relationship but i really think he shouldn't.

My dad is a widow. He is one of these men that can't look after himself . . . he chose not to go into another relationship straight away though as he didn't feel it was right or respectful.

Some people are talking about mens needs to be looked after as though they have no choice. They do and despite what they might want to do in the mist of their grief, they can still chose to do something else. Preferably the thing which isn't going to devastate their children.

SpringHeel
"while acknowledging that this happens I am not condoning it. I think it's fucking awful"

I agree with you, it's horrible.

If death makes you horny, fine go and have your shag.

But what you actually see is a woman being installed in a dead woman's place so a man has sex on tap and someone to do the housework.

Where there are children involved I think that is an appalling thing for a father to do. I can't imagine how distressed I would have been as a child to see my dead mother replaced in my life so soon by my Dad.

Why any woman would be attracted to that kind of neediness and inability be an adult on your own is a mystery to me.

"Moving on" after bereavement doesn't just mean carrying on with your life as though it never happened, just needing to remember that the person who washes your pants now has a different name.

One might have thought learning to face life alone was part of healing. It's not like you can only be happy in a couple.

Dear OP,

I've tried to write really carefully and not be judgemental as i think the pain you still feel from your own relationship ending is very strong but

I think it mght be tempting to see an attractive man, in pain, and believe he can understand your own pain and together you will heal each other and live happy ever after.

It's a nice fantasy, if there were no children it might even work

But there are children who have lost their mum, they don't need to loose their dad too, they need him now more than they've ever needed him. You can't replace their mum anymore than he can be a dad to your own son.

how much of this is about your own loneliness and need to find a new dad for your own child?

I have not read all the thread as everyone sees to being saying the same thing to you, either in a nice polite way or not, so I will add my twopennysworth :

Back the fuck off.

OP I just wondered what happened with your own relationship and why/how it ended?

It has been three weeks, please do NOT approach this man for a relationship yet. He needs time.

Furthermore, there are CHILDREN who have just lost his mother, how on earth do you think they would feel if her place is taken by a girlfriend in such a short time.

If you are destined to me together then it will happen eventually, for now just back off.

"offer the support I would offer from purely altruistic motives for now" No. Be honest. There is nothing altruistic about your motives. There is nothing other than me myself and I throughout all of your posts. One of your closest friend's sisters has just died. How about supporting one of your 'closest friends' through probably the most painful time in her life rather than trying to move in on her dead sister's husband?

For someone who claims to have 'extensive experience of bereavement' you appear to be incredibly unaware of the processes of grief. This man may well be wanting a shag. He may well be wanting to feel attractive again after weeks/months/years of looking after his terminally ill wife and watching her die. Of looking after his young children and helping them through watching their mother die. So, yes he might look at you in a certain way and consider shagging you one moment. The next moment his emotions will probably switch to grieving the unbearable loss of his wife.

I would advise you to stay well clear of this man. Do not offer anything to him - altruistic (yeah, right ) or otherwise. You will damage each other. You are not the person he needs, ever. If he was to get involved with someone else - right now, next month, next year, in 5 years' time, I don't think you would be a good person for him to get involved with. His needs and emotions are complex - he needs someone who truly understands that and who is empathetic, not someone who thinks only of herself.

HTH.

Story begins at 1:37

Wasn't Caron Keating's husband shacked up with a new partner within an uncomfortably short amount of time? I seem to recall reading it was the source of tension between him and Gloria Hunniford. Random celeb fact, I know, but I remember being about it at the time.

Happened to my friend's dad too. Her mum died and her dad was married again by the end of the first year. To a family friend. The children (though adults) were heartbroken about it. They have made their peace but I think it has changed their relationship with their dad forever.

I agree some men just seem to need company. Others make better widowers. Whereas it's really unusual for a woman to get involved quickly after her partner's death.

As for the death/sex thing.... all I can say is a while back my FIL was really ill. Death's door. DH numb, shocked, frightened. And he wanted to have sex, even through the tears, just seems life-affirming somwehow. I totally get that, however weird it seems written down.

What others said. Think about the kids first. Then think about the tone here. Carry on with your interference with a man you don't actually know for your own grabbing gains. I think you can kiss goodbye to your whole friendship circle who will probably be disgusted. That you literally jumped into your best friends, sisters grave so quick.

So you'll be really lonely then.

Iscream: Oh FFS! At least that gave me a good laugh.

My friends mum died and her father was engaged three months later and married six months later. She and her brother were devastated. Ok so he might have been lonely and struggled to feed and tidy up after himself but really, married six months after your wife of over 25 years died!!! He could have hired a cleaner and bought ready meals and tried to show abut more respect. My friend felt like her mum was totally replaceable/disposable to him.

this article,is very interesting and relevant I think. It explains a lot about feelings and how women, being the nurturing kind probably do find a grieving man more attractive.

Op I wouldn't do anything, even if he went along with it t may because of sadness or loniless. Support him, be friends, who knows where that might lead.

all this reminds me of a Steve Martin fillum called The Man With Two Brains

The SM character stands before a portrait of his recently dead wife, and pleads with it for a sign as to whether or not he should marry Kathleen Turner

of course, everything falls off the walls etc, there's a sort of earthquake and a tornado thingy. Then the portrait begins to swivel round and round on its hook

in the end it all subsides. SM spreads out his arms and appeals to the painting again

"just....a sign"

arf

I agree many men will happily rush into a new relationship after being widowed. Take it very, very slowly, however and be prepared for all to blow up in your face.

Rindercella, Your post is smug in tone. How do you know how this guy feels? And, really, there is no 'consider a shag' about it, as long as a woman has a pulse and he is a free agent, most men will accept a shag.

The advice to wait is sensible. Let the waters settle. Good advice. But, really, you haven't got a clue what this man's needs are. For all we know, his late wife was a complete bitch and he is now glad to be free of her, who knows?

I'd advise waiting to allow him space to grieve if he needs too, not because I assume that he is automatically grief stricken. Overall, though, the advice to wait is sound and probably the best way forward.

That article is very good, I think. Mind you, I have also heard that women who are widowed sometimes find themselves on the recieving end of surprising advances from men and, of course widows may also crave a bit of fun/sex/company and that doesn;t make them bad.

Of course it doesn't make them bad, I must say the 'yuk' factor expressed by some here is really puritanical. It seems to be sensible advice to say 'wait' if a proper relationship is sought, but what the hell, if they want a fling and it makes them feel better, have one that's what I think.

It's not particularly yuck to go out shagging if it makes you feel good when you are grieving.

It is very yuck to replace your dead spouse like a broken appliance.

And if there are children to consider, it's a lot worse than yuck - it's shit parenting.

Rindercella makes a fair point if somewhat harshly. I see no reason to doubt the OP's motives, but you might find this rather telling.

I met Mr House (as I have said) a few months after his first wife died after a long and lingering illness, the last years of which left her immobile and dysphasic, so a lot of his grieving for the girl he once knew had already been done. Anyway, we have been lucky: things have gone well for us and we have now been together nearly seven years and going from strength to strength.

A little while after we got together he received a letter from a former close friend of his first wife who had recently split up from her long term partner, and it was full of how they had been through similarly hard times and how they could support each other, as friends, and who knows? He replied saying that he would be really glad to keep in touch, delighted to hear from her etc, and that he had met me...

He never heard from her again, so I think in her case her motives were somewhat less than 100% altruistic.

All that said, OP for your OWN sake I would back off here. You seem to be running the risk of getting hurt yourself again