Sooooo here goes: I really fancy a man whose wife died of cancer three weeks ago..what to do

[hopefulflusteredguilty]

Have name-changed for this because, oh because I just have. Here's my story - would so appreciate thoughts and advice.

One of my closest friend's sister died of cancer three weeks ago. She left two young boys (6 and 10). My friend is bereft - they were the closest of sisters and of families and she herself (ie friend) has severe health problems, a young child of her own and financial challenges. I have been, and still am, full of compassion and sadness for her and I have done all I can to support her.

When I went to the funeral and prayers (Jewish, so prayers held at deceased person's house for two nights)I was struck by how nice the husband was. I was at school with him but I have not seen him for some thirty years (yes I am ancient). Then when I went to visit my friend, she asked that I visit her at her sister's house because my ds is a similiar age to her late sister's boys, and she didnt want her brother-in-law, who is of course grief-stricken, to be alone on weekends. But there was a connection, a definite and distinct vibe between me and the mourning husband. I've seen him once more, again when I was visiting my friend, and the impression was confirmed.

So what do I do ? I want to respect this man's grief, I dont want to hurt my friend in any way but I also have a strong sense that this man will be involved with someone very soon - and that he likes me. I've been single for some eight months under horrible circumstances (long story but essentially DP left me and DS and havent seen him since) and I know my judgement is skewed ie I am still trying to recover from what has happened to my family.

Would really appreciate advice, especially from someone who knows what it is to lose a loving spouse and can tell me what they would have wanted.

i would say if you cannot put your feelings on the back burner and be there for your friend, the husband and his children in a caring, selfless way then back right off.

it will end in tears. he may well somewhere through the grieving process want a shag - are you prepared for that to be all it is? You are reading wayyyy too much into this and yes - its a fantasy - and thats probably all it is at this stage. if you act on it you are a fool.

be there and be supportive if you can do it for the right reasons. dont do it with a view to getting his kit off.

you are romanticising what is in reality a raw, painful, grim, ruthless, gut wrenching process to go through. take off the rose tinted specs and stop acting like some love struck teen, some people as soon as they get a whiff of vulnerability seem to confuse it with love (think of all those women who want to marry a bloke on death row....) reality check time i think.

be there for them all.
keep your feelings to yourself and keep your mouth zipped.
then see what happens in the future.

Well said,Vicar.Put much more eloquently than I could "What is in reality a raw,painful,grim,ruthless,gut wrenching process to go through".Do you know what,I'm not sure you ever totally "Go through" it,you just learn to live with it and try to expand your world and gradually rebuild.What is needed at this time,OP is compassion and friendship.Thanks Vicar,you talk sense.

It is worth remembering that people's responses to bereavement vary. And it isn't impossible that this widower might have been eyeing up women at the funeral with a view to choosing who he'd shack up with next. Some men really can't function without a woman to cook and clean and offer sex. And some marriages, no matter how 'happy' they may look to outsiders, can be so toxic that the death of one partner is a relief more than anything else.

Mind you, that doesn't change the fact that the OP sounds like someone with a rather unhealthy view of both couple-relationships and herself.

SGB, you are right,I have read the thread now and earlier on was interested in the fact that someone said that widowers often marry/have rl more quickly and from my,albeit limited knowledge of being part of "widowy" groups it has to be said this is true,and obviously there are many factors in the relationship that one has with the deceased person.I will hold my hands up and say that my rl was not "perfect" but ultimately I think losing your spouse/partner,is like someone removing part of you,you have to reintegrate yourself,find out who YOU are,and its painful.It isn't always bad (you find new challenges,new friends,a whole lot of good stuff too) but it usually,from my widowed friends and self experiences,takes TIME.3 weeks is a drop in the ocean.In my position,I would never criticise what another widow/er did.Anything to get you through the night... but for someone to seem so ...calculated on making moves on this guy...if he is amenable,fine,but you are so bereft and lost when you are first bereaved...

I can only talk from a personal perspective. I lost my mum when I was adult (i was 28) so positively ancient

My dad met another lady 9 months after my mum died. At the time I was devastated. He had spent the previous year (whilst mum was dying) telling me that he would never meet anyone else and how would he cope to proposing to a lady he wouldnt even introduce me to. At the time I felt that he was betraying my mum's memory and that everything he had previously said was worthless.

This was 4 years ago. Time has changed things and my dear dad would be the first to admit that. He is still with his ladyfriend but he is the first to say things have changed and at that time really what he needed was time and space to grieve.He does admit that he rushed into something hoping to bring back those feelings of love and security he had with my mum.

In many many ways I feel for my dads friend because she wrongly bore the brunt of his grief and ours (although, as always, situations arent straight forwards and words were said on both sides) but in many ways they werent her burdens to bear.

My advice would be this. If the attraction is strong on both sides then ultimately it will still be there later on. And always. I believe true attraction doesnt just disappear overnight. Give him time and space to come to terms (in his time) what has happened. If there is a relationship to start let it start in its own good time, dont force it. Make sure he is ready emotionally to be there - there is nothing more heartbreaking than being in a relationship where your other half isnt there wholeheartedly.

A long thread that I've skimmed but at first glance solidgold, ThermalSocks and LearningtoFly seem to have the best assessment and advice. You sound to me affected by your own unhappy experience and lonely (as SG puts it 'desperate'). As someone looking in I would say you have persuaded yourself to believe all the things that make you think approaching him is acceptable.

I sound patronising but hope it's better than the witch hunt comments from some of the other posters, who obviously think there's a Vulcan at the other end of the keyboard, rather than a human.

I'd say even if he goes with someone else let it go. She's not likely to be liked from what people with RL experience of this are saying. And if he's not ready you would feel sick to your stomach if you made a pass and it was greeted by him with horror. It would be one of those things that plays back over and over, that you never really get over.

The post is about your needs and wants it's true, but I think to have a go at you for this when your own experience may be clouding your judgement/ have made you very needy is unfair. Just please listen to the people advising withdrawal and to trust that if it's meant to happen it will.

This thread is fascinating because there is all this disgust at the OP for what she plans to do, along with lots of stories that indicate that she is right that many widowed men do replace their wives with unseemly haste, without regard to the welfare of their children.

I'm pretty sure if there was a widower of three weeks posting "my wife just died of cancer, and her sister has brought one of her friends round who is giving me the eye, should I go for it?" that people would be expressing disgust to him to.

I believe you when you say you were getting sexual vibes from him. I really do. Sex is comfort to men and, yes, he may have been giving you sexual vibes.
It's really naive for people to say you're wrong about this HOWEVER...

You'd sleep with him and perhaps all he sought was comfort and nothing more and you'd be foolish.

Believe me, there is something about a man who has nursed his wife and mourning that is strangely attractive to women.

If you're really interested in him, why not wait at least a year?

My father was living with a new partner within 6 months of my step-mother's death, she was introduced as "a friend" while SM was lying dying in the hospice.

Which was nice.

If you can be good for each other and make each other happy, then where's the harm? The kids should be kept well out of it though, for a long time.

Being pragmatic here, if you're only after a fling, now is the time to do it. Don't listen to any nonsense about him feeling 'exploited'. Men don't ever feel exploited by the offer of a freely available sex.

If you're after something more lasting, wait and be patient.

It's just so tacky.

How could the OP even think of it?

I think there is a huge diffference between a bereaved person making plans for the rest of their life and moving themself on and somebody else basically eyeing them up over the body of the spouse and planning to get some of that.

Garlicbutter had a good way of summing it up.

Because women are strangely attracted to men who have nursed their wives through illness and are grieving.

He probably wants sex right now. Most men don't go off sex, not for any reason. Lots have willing partners offering sex to them.

But if the opening poster is after a lasting relationship, she is best waiting.

I also agree with what solidgoldbrass says.

I think it's because their suffering makes them "noble".

Plus it's open season for lots of deep and meaningfuls and self sacrifice, some women really get off on that.

Personally I think a man with children replacing his children's mother before her first anniversary is someone to stay the hell away from.

Unless you're into an "any woman will do" role.

Yes, I think you may be right, AThingInYourLife.

The opening poster hasn't got a clue about this man. It's not as if she knew him before the death. It just makes sense to wait, and if the crush is still there a year later, act upon it. But my guess is that it will have disappeared by then, anyway. And that may be no bad thing.

I think sometimes its about people trying to reestablish who they are. When you've been in a relationship for over half your adult life and suddenly that changes through nobody's fault it can be like watching a ship in distress carrying on without its captain.

My dad didn't actually know who he was anymore, how to act and really didn't know how to be by himself when he found himself single after 33 years. It's not that he couldn't look after himself practically but emotionally he had been a teenager when he was last on his own and that really threw him.

Just goes to show, though, the continuing double standard where it is far more socially acceptable for a widower to start a new relationship quickly than it is for a widow. And OP will also be on the sharp end of this. The bloke will get lots of 'ah, well, he needs the comfort, he's grieving, men don't like to be alone, he needs a mother for the children', whereas the woman stepping in will be whispered about and criticised. It's a fast ticket to being the 'wicked stepmother' - in fact, OP, maybe reading some of the step parenting threads would be a useful eye opener for you about the realities of a situation like this.

I agree with SGB here and - for the first time ever, I think - Bonsoir (and others) who have posted that this does happen and that quite a few men, in fact, are ready to move on very quickly after the death of a partner. I also think that purely in terms of feelings it's harsh to criticise - I would imagine that most of us have at some point developed an instant crush on the bloke we saw on the bus one morning, for instance, and you can't help that as a feeling. What you can of course control are your responses and actions, and here the advice to be friendly but wait and not be overly pushy seems reasonable.

There are 2 kids to consider here - frankly my concern would be for their feelings. While the bloke is a grieving widow, I would credit him with the sense to take responsibility for his own actions. If anything happens between him and the OP it will be down to him just as much as her. Let's not make this about censure of women not behaving inappropriately (why should it be our job to mark out the moral high ground all the time?). All that's happened so far is an unfortunately timed crush.

OP, I've held back from contributing because you're getting a bit of a hammering on here. I don't actually disagree with the substance of what everyone is saying, but I'm concerned that the strength of the response is forcing you on the defensive and helping you to dismiss what is being said. I expect it feels to you like nobody understands, that you are describing this tender, loving, budding thing and crass strangers are telling you it is gross and ugly and vulgar.

But think about this carefully. You and he are both very vulnerable right now. I also don't doubt that you picked up a sexual buzz between you, and it is absolutely true that many men start new relationships very quickly after divorce or bereavement. That still doesn't make it a good idea for you to start something with him - not just for reasons of taste, or for the welfare of his children, but for your own sake too. You say yourself that you have a pattern of acting as the rescuer. Don't you think you've got a bit caught up in the romance of this poor, tragic man, and the fantasy that you are there to heal him with your love?

It is very hard to build a healthy and equal relationship with someone right after bereavement. If you really care - not just for him, but for yourself - you will hold back and see where things are this time next year. I know it will be hard, but honestly you are in love with a fantasy and you need to take steps to get yourself out of this.

Get to the Doctor and tell him of your fantasies that won't come true.
This thread is BS.

This thread is not b.s. It's actually very real.

I actually know the very elderly mum of a man who has been widowed for about 6 months (he is in his 50s with two kids at university) who is now hoping he 'meets someone'.
People have got to be realistic: men are more open to replacing their wives (this doesn't mean to say that wouldn't do anything to get their wife back, just that they are more realistic) and do tend to fall apart without a wife. They need women more, I think, than women actually need them. Widows tend to survive a lot longer than widowers. This is really ironic as we are constantly fed the lie that it is women who need men!!

There has to be a middle way between people sticking their fingers in their ears and saying how 'disgusting' the op is or just saying: 'go for it now' and that way is waiting a while before making a move.

It's true, as a poster recently pointed out, that some men do jump in quite quickly after the death of a wife/partner.

('quite quickly', mind you, doesnt quite describe 3 weeks IMO. Seriously)

However, in the majority of the cases revealed where this has happened it has turned out to be a mistake. The relationship has failed. For quite obvious and predictable reasons.

Just because 'it happens', doesnt make it right or healthy.

If it was a man posting saying i want to start a new relationship 3 weeks after the death of my wife then i'm sure most here would be asking about the details of his situation. Maybe advising caution.

This isnt the case here. The OP isnt a confused, recently bereved person looking for comfort. OP is homing in on someone in distress.

Sorry, it's yuk. Just yuk.

wamster - the "a poster" wasnt aimed at you bty

Eightieschick, I disagree with wrt the double standard, the overwhelming sense I'm getting is that in cases where the widower has moved on quickly, the children have felt betrayed and hurt by it. And that it was inappropriate. While men do seem to move on quickly (my FIL for example would be very stuck if and when MIL passes away) it doesn't mean that its ok to try to jump their bones less than a month after bereavement.

Also agree with the romanticised notion of the noble widowed man (Moulin Rouge, Love Actually, Gladiator, every superhero film ever). The depression, self-harm, panic attacks and crying fits tend to get missed out of the films. I can't even imagine what it's like with kids involved.