to feel really threatened by my OH's dead fiancee?

[badabing123]

Feel horrible writing this but it's beginning to eat me up inside.

Am a late 30something who is in a 1.5yr rel with a man whose late fiancee passed away with the Big C while she was in her mid 30s.
We actually met not long after she's passed away (4 months) - I'd come out of a 10yr rel which had been abusive and very sad-making six months earlier. But I pulled myself together and got out and since then have worked on getting my self esteem back and my life on track.
I'm happy, for the most part I am.

There may be some who think we got together too quickly; maybe we did who knows, but it felt right and we've largely kept under the radar and moved at our own pace. It is what it is.

We have a good relationship. In many ways, both our experiences of 'loss' have given us an understanding and greater compassion, I suppose. Or at least a determination to want to grasp happiness when it comes along. We both want to build a future together and one that involves kids which, as I am in my late 30s, is in some ways something of a relief.

But - and you knew there was a but coming! - however good our relationship is (and there are times I am so happy that I can almost touch the happiness it's so tangible) I am just eaten away by the thought, the fear that however good our relationship it will never bear the same significance as that with his dead fiancee.

1- I am happy for him to continue a relationship with her family, im supportive of this
2- I'm ok with photo of her out on show (i wouldnt think of objecting, though I'm relieved it's now only 2 photos instead of the 7 on the living room shelf when we met)
3 - Ive been supportive of the charitable fundraising he did in her memory.

I am saying the above to make clear that I dont think I am a 'bad person'. I am fair. But I just wonder where I fit in - sometimes there is just no space for me.

Things I object to (and yes, HATE)
1/Her facebook page still up and replete with photos of them together, beaches at sunset, Paris etc etc. Getting friend suggestions with her photo. (nb there's no way I can ask to take this down, it's not my place to do so, but its tremendously hurtful to see this and realise that the affectionate gestures I thought were for me are just replicas of those he gave her)

2/OH telling me that her final request had been that he call his first daughter after her. I replied 'No way'. Not doing that at all. His retort was that he wouldnt push it, was only repeating what she had said.

3/OH wanting her family to come to our wedding. I'm not happy with this; it's our day. I don't want to be there thinking that there are people there wishing I was someone else.

4/Gravestone wording: this was somewhat of an unexpected surprise before xmas as I had assumed this had all been done. Im absolutely sick at the prospect that the wording is going to include wording such as 'fiancee of'. I dont know, Im just dreading the worst what it could be.He doesnt know; its anyone's guess at this point, but it makes me feel sick even thnking about it. Even in death, it feels, she is still 'the one'.

I'm a good person: Someone dying of cancer at such a young age; it's deeply sad. I am sorry for her, Im sorry for her family and I am very touched by how my OH stood by her and supported her during such a difficult time.

But I'm not a stand-in; Im not a replacement.
I have talked these fears through calmly with my OH, he says I am absolutely not, that it's about us building a future. That our pasts are our past.

Yes, I totally get this. I mean, it's not like I had an easy time either (violent ex, mental cruelty) but I got up and moved on. It's not unreasonable to want to be 1st choice. Im not trying to vanquish his past, or remove her memory (not at all) but I feel there is no space for me.

He says he loves me and wants to have a future together - but you know, these things make me feel awful!!! I feel so awful.

What I am scared of most is how his past is not his past; it is always going to be part of the present and the future. We were getting on so well before xmas and then whoosh! news about the gravestone and all the fears (still unresolved) about that immediately surface. It feels like something to do with his past is always going to 'pop up' out of the blue and make me feel sh*t.

AIBU to want to be 1st choice? When I told him I wanted to feel this, for him to tell me that - he said I was being 'ridiculous', no one says stuff like that'. He says I am the one he wants to build a future with, but faced with a %$££%£% Facebook page filled with reams of endless romantic photos and other things besides - I am scared that eg even if we got married and had kids - I could never 'be enough'. I would always be thinking he was wishing I was her.

I am scared that because of my age I am settling for something that say 10 yrs ago I would have walked away from. I love him - but I hate his past.
I can accept that it's his past but I loathe the way it's coming into my present and my future.

Even worse, it is making me dislike HER (ashamed to admit this). As much as I objectively feel sorry for her I cant bear the hold she has now, even in death. And you can't compete with someone who is dead.

At least with an ex who is alive you can b*tch about them - but you can't do that when someone is dead. You just have to ...eat it?

AIBU? or how can I possibly deal with this better (without resorting to the vodka bottle :) )?

@PooPooInMyToes no, I wasnt disconcerted by the photos being there, rather their proximity to the sofa we were on when he made a move on me. V uncomfortable making; I dont normally appreciate an audience - what can I say?

AThing I agree with you.

I think he is unable to see clearly, but this is not his fault. It will take time and acceptance.

Bada are all the photos still there now as they were when you first met 1.5 years ago?

I'd like to be generous and warm and welcoming

Balderdash and piffle! You are clearly both of these things already otherwise you wouldn't be worrying about it, you would just go your own sweet way and bugger everyone else!

I have already sad that from where I am sitting you are no age whatsoever! However I get that, in your late 30s it is unlikely that you are going to meet someone without any baggage. But again (oh shit I am sounding so much like Pollyanna and that just isn't me!!) this can be turned to your advantage and seen as a positive. What would you rather have? A blank slate with no past and no experience or a man with a rich (and maybe sad) past, and all the sensitivity and maturity that that brings.

Having said all of that, for gawd's sake don't do anything that you're not happy with. As am matter of fact I think you could do far worse than to say all of what you say in your last paragraph to your OH, if you haven't already

Yes, it does sounds like he is needing the contact with her family.

Yes, he does need the contact with her family and will be visiting them. I'm happy to give him that. But I'm also aware that although I am pleased that he has the contact...yeah, it remnds me I'm living in a parallel universe, in it, but not really.

KarmaBeliever speaks very wise words. Listen to her.

Hellymelly speaks sense. I do however think that 4 months and 4 years are miles apart.

Yes,i think that is a good and fair point quint.

Thanks everyone, it has given me a lot to think on. Some positive, some negative. I am listening most to the people who have been in this situation.

This makes it all sound like I know where I am going, what I am going to do: the reality is I haven't a clue. Maybe the answer is just to stop thinking, stop analysing, not expect anything and just see what happens. Trying to get definite answers on anything, especially at this stage, is not going to be possible, I think.
Night.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for him to treat his almost inlaws as inlaws and to still be very close to them. They would have been close when she was alive so why shouldnt he stay in touch with them. He probably thinks of them as friends so why should that end just because hes met you. We dont get to chose our partners friends for them and this situation is no different.

Everyone on this thread has been very sympathetic to you but i cant help but feel that you are being unreasable. The only think that is not is the name thing but he only mentioned it the once and then let it go.

I really feel for the man. Hes been through something horrendous and you just keep going on at him about things which are your own insecurity issues. Poor man. Hardly any time has passed and you are nagging him about things like fb pages! Get a grip.

Im not saying that everyone would find it piss easy but what he needs is someone who isnt insecure.

Also why are you talking about your wedding if you are not engaged?

Oh and i havent been in the situation but i have lost someone to cancer.

'I'm happy to give him that'

It's not up to you to GIVE him anything - he doesn't need your permission to stay in touch with her family. Am sorry OP but I still think that you are going to be heartbroken in the near future. Whjat happens when you decide that you aren't prepared to 'give' him the things that he needs to be able to grieve for his fiancee? The thought of my dads partner harbouring thoughts of 'allowing' him to see my mums siblings makes me so sad.

@PooPooInMyToes : you sound very bitter and angry, I am sorry about that. It is hard losing someone to cancer, I agree, and yes it does change your perspective.
"What he needs" is not entirely the whole point here: there are two of us in this relationship. And yes, whilst I "feel for him" too (of course I do"!) - I also feel enough for myself to want to have a happy, healthy relationship. I dont want to be someone's carer or bridge relationship. That's the bottom line and yes, it means navigating compromises , insecurities and all kinds of messy stuff.
Everyone here has been great and yes, really constructive thank you.

OP, please bear in mind that he might want to move on towards the future (as he keeps saying, you are the future), but is struggling to..!
I think it was a mistake to get involved after the 4 months as it was almost predictable that you would have these issues. You risked you sense of security by doing that, now all you can do is be very patient, or leave. He can't move on until he's ready, though possibly if you split up he could then see your point of view (feelings) more clearly.

It took me over four years and starting on the AD's to get to a point where I could even THINK about moving on. I didn't appreciate my family enough at the time but looking back I know they were there for me and did what they could to help me.

Your partner will probably feel the same about you, if not now then when enough time has passed - you don't know how long that will take, but four months is not much time at all.

I think when Badabing says "give him" she means, "I'll just have to suck it up and not make a drama out of it", Sapphire, not that she's deigning to permit him to do it.

God love you OP. Four months is no time really, is it? But what's done is done, no sense in going over it now. When you're together, do you feel happy? Is he a good partner in other ways? It sounds like you'll potter on nicely for a while, then something'll happen and your worries rear their ugly head again. You have to ask yourself whether these feelings outweigh the good stuff in the relationship, and if you're prepared to give him more time to adjust to his loss. He didn't just loose his fiancé, but the future he thought he'd have.

Feel for you OP

My sister's DH died suddenly and she began a relationship quite quickly (more quickly than she had planned to but hey!) with a divorced man.

She bitches to hell and back about her DP's ex . . . which always makes me because the ex is a bit of a cow and her DP can see it and moans about her too, yet my sister's late husband is sort of "preserved in perfection for ever more" even though he was just an ordinary bloke with faults like everyone else. I feel sorry for her DP because I expect he feels he does have to "compete" but I would say that they have been together for 10 years now, have their own house, and their own history and I think it has got a lot better.

I would like to say re the Gravestone . . . I wonder what the late wife's parents think about him having his name on her gravestone? Carving is expensive, it seems odd to cough up for Her Name, Dates, Beloved Daughter of X and Y and Fiancee of Z, especially when the Fiance is now with someone else and is likely to marry her and have children with her. Gravestones are permanent markers and it would be odd ten years down the line to have this record that she was engaged to that bloke there who is now married with 4 kids. It seems as if he is trying to stamp his ownership on her . . . dunno . . . it gives me an uneasy feeling.

One year and nine months after someone dies is not very long, you are underestimating how long the grieving process takes. If you had started dating a couple of years after her death your problems with his behaviour would be more reasonable: but by dating someone 4 months into this process you have to expect that he will continue grieving whilst starting his relationship with you.

I wonder how quickly you'd like him to completely forget you ? Also, have you also looked at how your past relationship is impacting on your current feelings?

Agreed, it isn't up to you to give him anything, you don't own him.

He might not beed the family contact, he might want it because he likes them.

OP, I think you should finish things, for his sake tbh, as it feels like you have such unrealistic expectations and demands on this man who has lost the woman he planned his life with.

You had so much good advice, isn't this place great

Have you both had any help to 'deal' with your past situations?

Also re tge name, I really do think if it were 5 years down tge road, you were living together/married and things were better then he suggested it as a middle name, you might have considered it. But to say it now, not even planning on becoming pregnant soon is a bit strange.

"I think it is perfectly reasonable for him to treat his almost inlaws as inlaws and to still be very close to them. "

Being close to them, for as long as they all feel a bond (maybe forever), is lovely.

Treating them as in-laws, as though he needs his girlfriend to meet them, wants to create a blended family with them and any future in-laws, is a sign that he is not ready to move on.

That's interesting, Balloon about the carving. I remember when my Granda died there being lots of discussion about how many descriptions would be given - some felt "great grandfather" was unnecessary and too long, others that it was important to reflect that. I can't even remember what was decided, even though it seemed so important at the time.

I can see why both the OP's boyfriend and her family would want the fact that she was loved and soon to be me married put on the stone. I don't think it's necessarily weird at all.

I disagree. Wanting to try and make a "blended family," though I don't think he is doing that, is not necessarily a bad thing. There is no limit on how many people you can have in your life. Put it this way - how many of you have had a divorce in your family but have stayed in touch with the non blood relative? People become friends as well as family members.