I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

[Sarsaparilllla]

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

Call sil/bro and get them over. This needs dealing with!

Get them to come tonight, whilst your friend is here.... Tell everyone what you know and let it unfold. Your friend us there to support you through it

I would be thinking about the money people have spent for the wedding too. You have done nothing wrong and yet you may have to go through the humiliation of cancelling everything. What a bastard. He really should take responsibility for all that if it comes to it.
I'm so sorry, best of luck for later x

Sorry but saying ' I know about you and sil' then saying 'tell me everything which has been going on' gives him the message that in fact, no, you haven't any idea of ALL that has gone on, so he will minimise it..... And painfully admit to it bit by bit as you probe further.

You can never trust him with your SIL ever again you know that don't you?

Fabby, I dont think she will be able to trust her SIL around any man now....

I am so sorry you're in this position.

I think you should speak to your brother first. You realise that the second you tell your fiance that you know everything, he'll phone your SIL and she'll start getting her story straight.

I was in the position you're in, having to confront my then husband about a longstanding affair. I remember well how sick I felt, as though I'd been punched in the stomach.

I just said, "I know." He stammered a bit, then asked what I knew. I just said, "Everything." He was a prosecutor's dream - his response was, "Who told you?" There was no need for evidence, though I had it. He was too scared to ask for evidence; probably didn't know what the hell I'd got.

One thing, and I hate to be the one to say this. There are no children. Are you sure this isn't a relationship that they would have left you and your brother for? Be prepared for him to say that he loves her - it will nearly kill you to hear that - and that he wants to be with her. If he does say that, just bear in mind the relationship is very unlikely to be happy once all the secrecy and drama has died down. It would have relied so much on subterfuge for its excitement - ordinary everyday life wouldn't seem half as interesting.

Okay, Lilac, I don't think so but I get your point. Of course it's inevitable that without hidden cameras no one could know EVERYTHING. What I'm saying is that she needs to say she knows, so to say it like fact, because she DOES. (Open questions are very bad in these situations as they are always greeted with closed answers: Nothing. I don't know what you're talking about. No.)

She then needs to demand he admit it or tell the history of it so she can see how much he's prepared to lie to her. This, again, is always better done as an open statement, 'Tell me ...' because if it's done closed then he'll just start a new line of conversation, 'Who told you this? Where did you get this information?' And if it's a question like, 'are you having an affair, he will just lie: 'No." Besides, I would contend she pretty much knows they are in some form. There is no other explanation for the texts.

You are so lucky to have your own house. I wouldn't let him spend another night in it.

Good luck tonight
[angry]@situation

I think, IB, that they probably already have been getting their stories straight. There's no way someone having an affair gets a phone call like that today and doesn't put two and two together, especially someone who was asked, 'is there something you want to tell me?' and knows they left their phone by the bed.

the money spent, well it means nothing to them becuase they are not thinking of anything else but their selfish selfish twattery.

omg, you poor love.

Good luck Sars remember you have done nothing wrong so don't feel guilty about hen dos/guests expenses that is for him to feel guilty about

No one would want you to be married to the wrong man. Especially your friends and family. I know it seems huge, but people will only want the best for you

Sarsaparilllla it sounds as though he already suspected you know something even before you told him that you'll 'talk to him later'.

I mean - if anything happened between him and SIL last night, it happened under the same roof as you and your brother - he might very well be worried that you heard something, even if it hasn't clicked about leaving his phone by the bed

I think you need to prepare for the possibility that he and SIL have prepared an excuse between them

I agree with what others have said that it sounds as though the affair has been a fairly long standing one - he might confess to a small indiscretion ie text flirting but it does sound more serious than that - DON'T let him get way with diverting you from the bigger picture

He knows you know which is why he texted you earlier to ask if you were ok and why he has phoned now. He's panicking and will be colluding with the SIL ready to lie his face off. There is no reason to suspect he'll do the decent thing now and own up - besides SIL will do everything in her power to stop him from spilling the beans as she has a lot at stake too.

I really would try and get your friend to stay until he comes home, you don't want to be alone with this. Also, what happens either way? If he admits it or tries to bullshit his way out of it, what do you do tonight? Go to bed as normal?

And forget those who say to get your brother involved in this early stage. Once he finds out he will be shell shocked and in no mood to start playing games with your fiance. Your brother, as I am sure you know, deserves a little more respect than that and needs to be told separately and on his own to give him some space to come to terms with this huge bombshell.

Don't worry about those who have put money down for the wedding. You can still go on your hen do and benefit from the support of your friends who will all rally round you and give you a great time. Others will be more angry with him than with you, after all he is the one who has caused all this upset, him and your SIL. They will be angry with him and rightly so. Don't hide the fact that he's been cheating, tell all and let him deal with the fallout from friends and family.

sas I am amazed with how you are dealing with this with such dignity. If was me I'd have told him the night I saw the texts or appeared at work and kicked shit out of him and then her!

As rhubarb said you can still have your hen night as a night with mates. You deserve it.

I think you are right in telling your brother to his face. Id hate to be in that situation.

Sas- I cancelled a wedding (different reason) a few months before it was due to happen. Believe me, people get over it. They'll also be glad you had a lucky escape.
Can you honestly see yourself walking down the aisle while she is sitting there and him waiting for you at the end?

Wishing you strength tonight. [anger]

even!

Just caught up with this

You do know, Sas, don't you that if you do go on to marry this cheating excuse for a man that you're effectively giving him half your house?

No advice as it's all been covered already by other posters, but oh you poor thing, I'll be thinking of you tonight :(

You will get through this btw. I went through something as horrible recently.

You must get the keys to the house off him immediately. When the shit hits the fan try not to forget that part. You need him out of your house without keys.

Then, give yourself time to freak out, get drunk, scream and cry. It will be over and sooner than you think.

Please remember about the keys.

You have your own home. You are an independent woman. Keep that in your head and good luck!

I think you need to talk to your brother as soon as you can before your partner and your SIL can get a story in place to make you look like a crazy person

Good luck, am thinking of you too.

I would have a bag packed for him. And yes take the key.