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Original poster

I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

536 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 09:50

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 18:31

Fabby has a very good idea. Why dont you go to your brother and speak to them there?

Fabby, the brother is married to SIL, SIL is having an affair with OPs fiance.

VanderElsken · 27/02/2012 18:31

He will lie and lie again. You need to make statements not ask questions and you shouldn't disclose your full hand until you've got as much as you can from him. Sometimes just saying 'you're lying' over and over and over can work. Repetition and cold statements, 'I know that's not true. Tell me the truth' over and over. Let him fill the silence. Guilty men will flap, turn it round so the questions are all on you (don't let this happen! Just keep repeating, YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY) sometimes get angry and sometimes storm out to 'buy time' etc

But he will lie, swear and promise and he will focus on HOW you know so that he can ascertain WHAT you know so he manage the drip of information to its smallest amount. And if you start capitulating or accepting or doubting, he will railroad you. Good luck.

minceorotherwise · 27/02/2012 18:32

Fabby, the brother is already married to her. She (the SIL) is having an affair (we think) with the OP's fiancé.

FabbyChic · 27/02/2012 18:33

He is going to call you stupid, that that you imagined it, Id go via the brothers wife to be honest and in front of your brother.

Id say I've come to see SIL about some texts I found on BF phone, I want to know what is going on.

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 18:33

Yes, Quintessentialy I'm going to say, 'I know about you & X, I want you to be honest with me and tell me what's been going on'

And see what he says, only if he completeley tries to deny it, when I know there is definitely something to be said, then I'll tell him how I know, if he can't be honest with me I don't think there's much hope left :(

He just called me from work, he still thinks I came home from work because I'm ill, which tbh is true, I do feel physically sick and shakey and I couldn't have sat in work all day. He asked if I was ok, I said no and that I'd talk to him when he got home, and he went, 'ermm, ok' and sounded confused, I guess that's an unusual thing to say.............he says he'll be home for 10.15pm

OP posts:
chocoraisin · 27/02/2012 18:34

hello, I've been following your thread today in dismay :( you poor, poor thing.

Just from recent experience, I might add - there is another possible reaction from him. The shitbag might just confess with no remorse whatsoever and take a 'yeah, so what? we were over anyway' kind of stance and take it as a chance to point out all your fabricated flaws (or all the reasons he has been telling himself over however long it's been going on, to make him 'ok' with what he's been doing). Some people get a bit aggressive when they are caught on the back foot so be prepared for him to be a giant arsehole about it just in case.

It is about as shitty as it gets anyway, but to be faced with someone who doesn't feel guilty or shocked or remorseful when confronted is heaping insult onto injury... I don't imagine it's common, but I would hate you to be blindsided with that one :(

also, if you have hours to kill, and need to toughen up your resolve at any point, follow this link and read as much as you can handle. Great advice from people who have lived through this kind of thing (some of them more than once). www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 18:35

Yes, SIL has been married to my brother for 4 years, I'm due to marry my fiance in August this year

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 18:37

Sas, you cannot seriously think there still is a chance?

How do you think your brother will react to you going ahead and marry the man who wrecked his marriage? Or are you planning on keeping it quiet, thus cover up for your dp and sil?

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 18:37

I can't get over to DB & SIL's house, they live the other side of town and I don't have a car

OP posts:
chocoraisin · 27/02/2012 18:37

sorry that link doesn't work try this one www.survivinginfidelity.com

VanderElsken · 27/02/2012 18:37

Hey Sarsa

If he didn't ask WHY you weren't okay he probably suspects/fears it, so he may well speak to your SIL before you see him and concoct the 'story' they're going to stick to. Just so you know this might mean when he 'confesses' he does so in a way that seems honest and felt but IS THE LEAST THAT YOU COULD GET HIM ON. Bear that in mind, he has a lot of time to prepare now, even just emotionally - so that what you hear may be the softest, most sanitised version of things it is possible to come up with so the truth will probably be many times worse, as no one tends to admit to the full extent when confronted. Especially not when there's friends/family involved.

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 18:38

No, I don't, just not sinking in yet that it isn't going to happen and he could do this to me :(

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 18:38

Can you ask that your brother come over?

Can HE be there when you ask your dp what is going on?

TinyPants · 27/02/2012 18:39

I'd have told my brother as soon as I found out. Blood is thicker than lying, cheating water and you two can support each other through this. You have all the proof you need, really hope you are ok.

FabbyChic · 27/02/2012 18:39

Get a cab to go to your brothers and do this before you speak to your partner.

this is the rest of your life here, your brother deserves to know and he deserves to know now.

clam · 27/02/2012 18:41

You said, "if he can't be honest with me then I don't think there's much hope left." Which kind of implies that if he 'fesses up you could find your way to forgiving him and carrying on.

clam · 27/02/2012 18:43

Could you call your brother and ask him to come over to yours soonish, so you can tell him first, then confront your fiance when he gets in?

VanderElsken · 27/02/2012 18:43

Also Sarsa, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. yYou're in shock so you'll want to believe him if he lies to you. That's totally understandable. But that text you quoted has the line, 'It was better when we pretended we hated each other...' So that's a reference to a fairly distant past in which they were faking some ambivalence so this is either a long-running affair or an affair that happened before, was cut off and has recently started up again. There is NO other explanation. This is not a one night thing or a flirtation or feelings that haven't been acted on. They are discussing meeting up like that's a normal thing to do. Just deal with this first, then the other stuff with your brother etc can come later.

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 18:44

I know it's not the most important thing now but so many people have paid so much money out to come to the wedding, it's so fucking selfish of them on top of everything else, it's not just me, it's our whole familes, and my mate has just paid a deposit on the hen do, it's just fucking fucking ridiculous :(

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 18:45

Your dp should be made to cover some of these costs.

Do you own your home? Are you renting? Can you ask him to leave?

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 18:46

I will tell my brother, I just need to deal with one thing at a time and my friend is coming over now so I can't get a taxi there, plus if I see my SIL I might just smack her in her smug little face which would make me feel a lot better right now

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 18:47

It's my house, I bought it before we got together, he can leave, his name isn't on the mortgage or any bills

OP posts:
minceorotherwise · 27/02/2012 18:48

Completely understandable SARS. Maybe best to do this in the fog of unreality, it will help you go through the motions calmly.
Plenty of time to deal with the reality of the situation and logistics and grieving for the relationship in due course.
Go with the adrenalin for now, and don't worry to much about the detail and longer term implications.
One step at a time, and small ones at that.

VanderElsken · 27/02/2012 18:48

I know, love, it's dreadful to think about, but please stop thinking about that right now. It's not the topic of conversation. You just have to get through tonight. Forget about that, here and at home, this discussion can't turn into a blackmail or a 'what about the wedding' or 'what about your brother?!' That's all distraction to get you off the truth and the scent. Don't focus on those things. Focus on getting him to admit it. Everything else can be dealt with another day. I promise you'll get through it. The enormity of it will swamp you otherwise. For today, just deal with the conversation you have to have tonight which is about one simple thing: 'I know about the affair with SIL. Tell me everything. Now.'

travellingwilbury · 27/02/2012 18:51

I know it is hard not to think about all the other stuff but none of that really matters , honestly .

You have known about this for nearly a whole day and haven't been able to confront him with it yet , I know that it will be hard and you probably feel it will all become too real once you say those words out loud to him . But it is real already , he has done this to you and he needs to face the consequences of that now .

fwiw , I would be tempted to have a bag ready for him and just text him when he leaves work to pick it up and bugger off . You don't need to explain anything to him , he already knows what a prat he has been .

I also think that you need to speak to your brother sooner rather than later , he needs to know , I know it is not your responsibility but he is probably at home now with his dw and has no idea . And as much as that isn't in any way your fault , once it all comes out he may well be cross with you (unfairly) for making him feel a fool tonight when you knew . I hope that makes sense .

I am so sorry you are going through this .