Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

536 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 09:50

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 16:28

I don't even know how to start the conversation with him :( :(

FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCKERS I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY

OP posts:
AgathaFusty · 27/02/2012 16:28

Sounds like a good plan. Hope it goes as well as it possibly can. Also hope you and your brother can be their for each other.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 27/02/2012 16:29

Good luck. Remember you don't need proof to talk to your brother! - I am sure once you do speak to him it will be a huge relief.

Just saying this as I suspect your P will bluster and try and browbeat you, don't get all stressed if you aren't getting the confession 'permission slip' from him which allows you to take it further- it's not like that. If he carries on denying, shrug and say you know the truth, doesn't matter, you just hoped he'd have the decency to be straight with you - right, goodbye, off to speak to bro now.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 27/02/2012 16:34

If you feel like this do you think it might be easier talking to your bro first?

If not - I'd suggest a simple, 'I saw the texts between you and X. I'd like to think you have enough respect for me left to at least honour me with the truth, so I'd like to hear what you have to say.'

One tip - the quieter and calmer you are, the less you say, the more he will babble nervously and bluster to fill the silence, and the more he will give away.

Keep cool, noncommittal, keep insisting that you have no intention of moving forward in any way until you have heard the full story. Then sit and let him talk.

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 16:39

Yes, that's great, thank you Crunchunderfoot, I just can't think straight and that is consice and gets my point across, I have so much I want to say and I will say but I want to stay calm and not start crying or I won't have the upper hand in the conversation

OP posts:
JosieRosie · 27/02/2012 16:41

I agree with others OP. Say what you have seen and what you know and then let him babble on. I'm so very sorry you are going through this Sad

Ahhhtetley · 27/02/2012 16:42

You could just tell him that you've seen the text message conversation between him and your SIL, that you know they are having an affair then stay quite.

As crunch has said, sometimes if you stay quiet the person you are talking to will babble to fill the silence, and you don't want that to be you.

It might be a bit early but if you have any points you really want to raise or questions you want answers to then write them down. That way, even when you get upset, you'll have a reminder and you won't be led into a conversation you don't want to have.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 27/02/2012 16:49

Yes, don't let that be your downfall. If you rant and rave and cry, the conversation will be him replying to you, him denying specific things or twisting your words and that is far easier a situation for him to take charge of. Don't give him your words to twist!

You WILL get to say it all - but don't go there now. Be as icy and expressionless as you can. Imply that his only chance of you even listening to him is by being honest. Think before you ask a question e.g. When did you first text. Just be calm, calm, calm. This is your best chance to get information - while he is terrified and has no idea his you will react. Icy calm is far scarier than crying and shouting.

If you can record the conversation on your phone, that would be good as you can go back to it later.

Good luck, keep calm, just remember thank god you've found this out now and not after the wedding.

TheRhubarb · 27/02/2012 16:49

Can your friend not be with you when he gets home?

What I am worried about is him getting back at 11pm, you having a tired and emotional rant at him and him having had all day to concoct his lies.

I would want him home now and have a friend around to provide emotional support. She will be calmer and be able to provide an more objective point of view, she'll also be a good witness to the conversation that goes on and he will be less able to bully you.

minceorotherwise · 27/02/2012 17:00

Yes, cruch is right. Stay really quiet and just ask the questions you want, then sit and wait for them to be answered. If he tries to lead you off track, stay calm and have some stock phrases to use, 'that's not relevant, answer the question',
And if he stomps about or leaves the room, don't following him about, stay where you are and wait for him to respond. Little things but keep you in charge.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 27/02/2012 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 27/02/2012 17:06

That's a very good point Rhubarb.

OP, you would be in a far stronger position if you were to text now, saying 'emergency - I need you home now.' don't pick up when he calls back, just insist he comes home by text.

I don't know whether you can envisage that, but waiting until late tonight isn't ideal.

One other thing. Think of your response if he's clever enough to give a basic explanation - yes we have been attracted, big angst, stupid crush, so sorry, nothing has happened.

That has the power to take the wind out of your sails, and it's most probably bullshit. To get through that one you need balls of steel, sadly: it's where you have to be prepared to give him a tight smile and say, Right, thought that's what you might say - sorry to see that you are such a lying coward - can you start packing, please?

It's a case of who blinks first - he is very likely to simply deny deny deny, perhaps for a while before you get the truth. The way to get the truth is to make it plain you don't believe him and have nothing to say to that explanation except goodbye. Keep your cool and keep repeating that, and he WILL crack if he sees himself losing you. The next step forward will he admitting a snog, then a meeting, then... Possibly. One thing is, you are SO unlikely to get anything near the truth first time round that contemptuous icy raised eyebrow silence is absolutely the best way to handle this first conversation.

HoudiniHissy · 27/02/2012 17:21

I'm so sorry to see you are going through this, what a terrible shock.

Crunch's advice/method seems to be the best approach, stay cool, calm and bluff your way through.

You have until 11pm to pack a bag for him, so that when you confront him, he can leave, with no reason to stay. Tell him you know as much as you need to know (don't tell him WHAT you know, but look smug, all knowing and remain very calm with a bemused expression) but that you wanted to hear him confess to it before he leaves. There is no option B to this conversation. He will NOT be staying under your roof tonight. Of that you need to be expressly clear, both with yourself and with him. If he has a car, he can sleep in it for all you care. It's not that cold anymore...

Yes I realise that this seems harsh and callous, but it's nothing in response to the cruelty, callousness and selfishness they have show both you and your brother.

When you finish the conversation with the STBX F, call your brother immediately, regardless of the time. He needs to know as soon as possible, before SHE is alerted to the whole thing being out in the open. Cos that will be the first call your F will make. If indeed he hasn't made a call already.

You tell him that you have asked F to leave, the wedding is well and truly off. You found texts that clearly prove an affair/thing between him and SIL and that you have a full confession out of him. Tell him to get hold of her phone first, the texts may be there too, but otherwise you advise doing the same to her as you have to your F. Today.

clam · 27/02/2012 17:35

Must seem weird, all this discussion of how to confront him/kick him out/tell your brother etc... When this time Saturday you were looking forward to getting married abroad with your family and friends with you.
What an absolute bastard, to ruin your hopes and dreams in this vile way - with your SIL as well!

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 17:44

So much good advice here.

I hope you manage to find your balls of steel and your stomach of ice.

charlearose · 27/02/2012 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 17:56

I disagree, the not having evidence is not a problem.

She will just laugh it off and say "Do you seriously think I will show you any evidence? I cant risk you ripping it from my hands and destroy it. The evidence is safe, with my brother."

Or something.

droves · 27/02/2012 18:06

I'd be tempted to invite your brother and sil round for dinner .

And right in the middle of it , I'd just ask them , when exactly did they start their cheap sleazy affair.

Then watch them try to wriggle out of it.

mummyplonk · 27/02/2012 18:13

I agree some great advice on here especially on how to handle him face to face. Cool and cold (and you have every right to look at him like he is something nasty you have trod on). I agree about telling DB yourself, mainly due to the close relationship you have and that you mentioned you had some suspicions. Unfortunately at some point your DB may ask this, as you were the one to bring it to his attention it may get that all out of he way at the same time.
Am so so sorry you are going through this.

JamRagRolyPoly · 27/02/2012 18:18

You poor thing Sad what a horrible discovery.

Do whatever feels right, whether it be talking to your partner first or your brother. I would probably talk to DP first too.

Good luck sweetheart, you've had some great advice here

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 18:21

Thanks all, my friend I spoke to earlier is popping round for a bit

My plan is wait for him to get home, ask him straight what is going on with him and SIL and give him the chance to be honest with me, if he starts bullshitting I'll tell him exactly what I know and how I know it, I know he'll throw reading his message at me as invasion of privacy/trust etc, but basically I reckon on the scale of shitness shagging about with my SIL is way off the scale compared to some fucking texts

Then I'm telling my DB anyway because he doesn't deserve this kind of shit

OP posts:
JamRagRolyPoly · 27/02/2012 18:24

Good for you

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 18:24

Are you sure it is a good plan to let him know what you know and how you know it?

Isnt it better to just tell him "I know about you and Sil. Please explain yourself" and take it from there?

He might admit a lot more then!

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 18:25

Also, dont expect him home at 10, if he did actually not get to work until his usual time at 3 pm, he wont finnish until 11, but will tell you he had to stay on and do overtime.

FabbyChic · 27/02/2012 18:29

Id have gone to your brothers while he and his partner were home, Id confront her in front of your brother. There is no way Id let my brother marry this woman not in an million years.

Swipe left for the next trending thread