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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

536 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 09:50

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

OP posts:
nkf · 29/02/2012 18:32

I think you have to tell your brother ASAP. So sorry.

ImperialBlether · 29/02/2012 18:36

I've read your other threads, OP, and to be honest, I think you've had a lucky escape.

He's had a problem with alcohol and coke. He doesn't pay his full share. You have several threads about the finances; he clearly thinks he can just pay a bit of rent and then the rest of the money is for himself. You were meant to be getting married soon - he'd lived at home until he moved in with you and had nothing saved for an adult life.

I think he has done whatever he's wanted all of his life and nobody can stop him. This latest affair is yet another example.

I would bet my house that he and your SIL have deleted all of their messages. Why would they do that if it was harmless banter?

Speak to your brother face to face then go home and tell this freeloading twat to sling his hook.

GossipMonger · 29/02/2012 18:39

I would have to tell my brother now.

He has blustered his way out of it and he will have spoken to SIL to tell her what to say to your DB.

What happens next?

And I would ask him to leave while you get your head straight.

GossipMonger · 29/02/2012 18:40

You can do so much better for yourself.

bringbacksideburns · 29/02/2012 18:49

I have been following this - feel so sorry for you.

Tell your brother ASAP - although she will have probably been forewarned by now and have deleted everything and be denying it, just like him.

When you confronted him did his reactions seem odd or was he calm?

The only thing i can say is at least you didn't go ahead with the wedding and then find out. Not much use to you at the moment though Sad

fabwoman · 29/02/2012 18:49

Best you leave him since you can't trust him Wink.

NOT banter in any shape or form.

He is a waste of time and she is disgusting.

ruthlesskangaroo · 29/02/2012 19:40

I agree with what someone else has already said. You need to tell you brother ASAP. But do it without HER around. Even though you have no proof you will regret not yelling your db because sooner or later his wife will end up breaking his heart. Better he hears from you what she is like than from someone else. And if you didn't say anything think of the guilt you would feel, knowing what she is like but not telling him. You leaving you fiancé should be all the proof your db needs. Wishing you all the best :)

AnyFucker · 29/02/2012 19:47

If what IB has said is true, and your other threads describe a cocklodging, arrogant bastard who thinks he can use people and do what the fuck he likes with no consequences, then he and your SIL have just done you a massive favour

thankfully, he is not not quite as clever as he thinks he is, because you managed to catch him out before you married and carried him for the rest of your life

you would be very, very foolish to have him in your house for even one day longer

I also don't know why you are still delaying telling your brother...the cover stories are being perfected while you prevaricate

what are you waiting for ?

did you think there was a small chance this was really all in your imagination ?

his behaviour when you asked him about it should have demolished that

get rid of him, he is defective and a properly shit person

PufftyMagicDragon · 29/02/2012 19:49

as ever, totally with anyfucker with this one.

pluckingupcourage · 29/02/2012 19:53

also agree with AnyFucker.

I remember your other threads about his cocaine use, general unpleasantness and really his current behaviour seems unfortunately to be very much in character.

About this "banter" nonsense: I would let your brother know about the "banter" and let him decide.

I think you really need to get him out of your house so that you can consider what to do.

Don't let him waste any more of your time.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 29/02/2012 19:55

Sars, I have just looked at a couple of your other threads - based on what IB mentioned.

I agree with every word AnyFucker has posted above.

For the love of all that you value, DO NOT marry or have children with this man.

This is the biggest and clearest alarm bell you have had so far by the look of it - please God take notice of it.

Take all the time you need, speak to all the people you can (especially your poor brother, asap) but for goodness' sake don't convince yourself that this still could be the man for you. Don't conspire against your own instinct and common sense to make the biggest mistake a woman can make.

Magicmayhem · 29/02/2012 19:59

who is his phone contract with?
some keep records of texts and can be read on line...

PattiMayor · 29/02/2012 20:03

I've read your other threads now - this man is a total cocklodger and what is more, he's fucking your brother's wife. He's an absolute shit of the highest order.

Please talk to your brother :(

madonnawhore · 29/02/2012 20:13

Haven't posted until now but I've been reading the whole thread with my jaw on the floor.

This guy's a proper wanker. I read your other threads too: cokehead, pisshead, doesn't pay his way, and now shagging your brother's wife.

This is your golden Get Out Of Jail free card. Grab it with both hands and run in the other direction as fast as you can.

WinkyWinkola · 29/02/2012 20:22

Imagine a life without doubting your partner. Without wondering if he's being unfaithful, taking drugs or just telling lies.

How wonderful that would be.

It's never going to happen with this man.

There is something seriously wrong with him and he is damaging you and your brother.

SlightlyJaded · 29/02/2012 20:32

Based on his cocklodging history, I wholeheartedly agree with the idea that this is your Golden Ticket to escape.

I know you feel awful now
I know you feel utterly betrayed, bewildered and broken
I know you can't believe that your life has been turned upside down and that the man you were planning to marry has let you down so badly

BUT

He has done it once, he will do it again and believe all of us when we say, when you have marriage vows, a joint mortgage and children to consider, it is a million times harder - sometimes too hard - to get a fresh start.

Please please put your future before your immediate feelings and kick him the fuck out of your house and your life.

lazarusb · 29/02/2012 21:29

He really doesn't give a toss about you does he?
You are worth SO much more than this. Please talk to your brother. (I would be tempted to tell your fiance that you've invited him round and watch his reaction...)
Then get this scumbag out of your life once and for all.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 29/02/2012 22:16

Sars I would think it might be difficult to come back with such a weight of strong opinion on this thread, especially as you're still in such a whirl.

Be assured that you will get support and discussion offered no matter what your approach. It's very hard to undertake a complete about-face in one's feelings for someone. It doesn't happen overnight.

What does your friend say?

QuintessentialyHollow · 29/02/2012 22:40

If ImperialBlether is right, then I fear that you may NOT chuck him out, Sars. Sad Simply because you are used to taking his crap, and you are not used to standing up to him, and you are accustomed to letting this manchild get his way.

Please let me tell you this:
Mature and responsible men dont behave like this.
This is not a GOOD relationship on any account.
This is not an EQUAL relationship.

You can do so much better than this.

QuintessentialyHollow · 29/02/2012 22:43

The only thing you know for sure is that he has shown you his true colours all the time.

He takes drugs
He drinks
He does not pay his way
He is an adult with no savings
He has no morals. Come on, even an alley cat knows not to shag on his own doorstep - ie family.
He disrespects you.
He disrespects your brother.
He lies.
He lies up to your face!

anything I have forgotten?

nevertidy · 29/02/2012 22:45

OP - if he says it is just banter, ask him to sit with you and go through the texts together. They are plainly not, so it would be extremely difficult for him to actually look at them with you and still justify them.

You are going through such an awful thing now but just know that in a day (after you have spoken to bro) you will be through the worst - yes it will be a long process, but it won't get worse. That's all that got me through a recent awful time. It is true, I promise!

ImperialBlether · 29/02/2012 22:54

Why do people keep saying "If IB's right"?! I've just read the other threads!

AnyFucker · 29/02/2012 22:56

Whoa ! IB. We are taking your word for it. I haven't read the other threads, but I trust yourjudgement Smile

romneymarsh · 29/02/2012 23:33

IB think people mean that with you having read the other threads you are enlightening us all to the extent of this mans problems. With all the new info on this man, I really think OP would be mad to let this lie, please SARS do something now before you get married, he really wont change.

QuintessentialyHollow · 29/02/2012 23:40

Not a slight on you at all IB, just a matter of speech, I have not seen the other threads, but trust your judgement!

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