I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

[Sarsaparilllla]

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

go sars! you give that twat what for!!

Can I ask, did they used to seem to hate each other? Can you remember a change in their behaviour towards one another? I guess it isnt relevant in the big picture but I am curious.

Dont forget, if they have been texting a lot or phoning, it will show up on their phone accounts so deleting the messages is neither here nor there.

And yes, he is lying IMO

Do you know, crunch is absolutely right. It doesn't matter. You can take as long as you like deciding what and how to do things
It is absolutely no reflection on you
He's trying to bluff his way through this
But you know that, you are the person in control
He will be dangling on the end of your hook until you decide what to do, he won't seriously believe he has hoodwinked you
He will be bricking it

It is hard to see how it would be possible to let this go - not just what you saw, but the response.

Remember - he can bluster and smokescreen until he is blue in the face. It does not matter. It does not matter.

Because you have the right to end your relationship and ask a cheat to leave your home at any point in time simply because you want to.

'You can't do that! You have no proof!'

'I don't need proof, love, I simply need to know that I don't want to be with you anymore.'

It's as simple as that.

What about your brother?

Can I ask, did they used to seem to hate each other? Can you remember a change in their behaviour towards one another? I guess it isnt relevant in the big picture but I am curious.

erm, they used to not hate each other as such but were never the best of friends, I've never really liked her (I know this sound such a cliche thing to say now, but it's honestly true!)

I don't know how to tell my brother, I can't not, it'll break his heart but it'll break it more if he finds out I knew something and didn't tell him

It is definitely true that the deny/deflect/accuse thing is classic. And also, deleting stuff and pretending it was never there. Some of that is precisely to make you doubt yourself; I bet if you did a straw poll of people on this thread alone, there would be heaps of us who have had to deal with precisely this.

This is not banter.

They were arranging to meet, clearly longing for eachother.

You are right it does not matter whether he has deleted the texts or not, you know what you read, and you know how he tried to weasel his way out, and trying to put the blame on YOU in the process.

Take your time.

Who was paying for the wedding?

Ok, well now you know for sure.
If it had been innocent he would not have been so dismissive or tried to turn it back on you.
Been there. I know how you feel OP. HOW can they do this, not crumble in shame at what they have done?
Shitty as it sounds, it will make it easier to walk away. You are losing nothing but the dream of the man you thought he was.
Keep the anger close to you. It is entirely reasonable for you to feel it. You have done nothing wrong.

You are right r.e breaking his heart, but you can also be the only one who can deliver the news knowing the facts you have seen, and also feeling the pain he is going through. You will need each other, he may also be able to get the truth out of her do you think?

Crunch is so awesome :). I echo everything she says.

Whenever he tries to deny, two words

"stop lying"

repeat ad infinitum

There are now other things you could consider.

Is his phone on a contract? - can you get to see the call/text register? If so, I would very much like to hear his reasons for refusing you.

So sorry you are in this position - the only saving grace is that you found out before the wedding .

You do need to tell your brother - for me one of the things I really struggled with was the fact other people knew my DH was having an affair and didn't tell me, it was so humilating.

Tell him what you have seen and how he chooses to deal with it is up to him and you will not judge him whatever he decides and you will not be broadcasting anything unless he wishes. If you chose to split with your fiance, you do not have to give details to other people other than he cheated .

Good luck whatever you decide.

And FWIW you should have heard the bullsh*t my DH came out with re the texts on his secret mobile - as I said to him, if it looks like a banana, smells like a banana, is shaped like a banana then it's a banana

Rock and a hard place come to mind, honey, but you really haven't got a choice, have you?

You've got to share what you saw with your dear bro... I don't envy you that task but it has to be done and you're best advised to do it sooner than later.

Give your brother a call and ask him to either come to your home or meet up with you somewhere tonight.

After you've spoken to your brother, tell the lying piece of gobshite to get out of your house - from what you've said about your relationship with your brother, I suspect he'll want to be by your side when you give the twat the order of the boot.

You HAVE to tell your brother.

The only way to do it is to meet, say that you have no idea how to say this so you're just going to say it - and simply relay every single thing that has happened so far. And then say that you love him and you will now do and say NOTHING but support him in whatever he chooses to do. I guess. How you actually do that if he decides to do nothing about it, I don't know.

But I do not think that he will.

In a way, it is good you found out now what sort of man he is.

Do you think there is a chance that your brother has suspicions?

I am not sure if this is a good idea or not, but could you talk to him about the contents of the text before you tell who they were from? Tell your brother about the texts you found, and what they said without saying who they were from, and that your dp says it is just friendly banter. Ask him if HE thinks it is friendly banter, and would he think the same if his wife were texting other men like that.
He might realize you are talking about his wife. Maybe he and you are in the same position of not wanting to hurt the other?

Great advice above - and you need to tell your brother.

Also, calling off the wedding now will be a lot cheaper and involve a loss less heartbreak for you than a divorce in x years... Also those will be years of your youth and beauty that you will never be able to get back.

but not surprised.

no advice on how to tell your brother though, other than face-to-face. you don't want anything in writing for her to twist later and you don't want any misunderstandings. just support for each other.

As predicted but still, what a fucking lily livered, cowardly shit.

I am so sorry :(

I think in your shoes, I would let him think that you had a copy of the texts. If he 'demands' to see them for 'proof', you can simply tell him that you are not stupid enough to risk telling him how and where you have stored them allowing him to delete them

Furthermore, if he is so certain that it was just banter, he and SIL can stand in front of you and your brother and explain how the text 'line by line' is just banter.

I'm not clear if they have already started sleeping together or were building up to it (sounds as though it was an established physical relationship to me) but I would also check back on the bills to see how long they have been in secret contact.

Whilst you are completely and understandably distraught and heartbroken, the best thing you can do for yourself at the moment is collect physical evidence of what you know.

The last thing you need (on top of everything else) is to listen to people trying to convince you that you're paranoid to the point where you start to doubt your own sanity.

You poor thing and your poor brother. It's a hideous betrayal

sars i think from the point of view of support now would be the time to tell your brother. You and he are both invovled in this as well as your partner and sil.

Your partner is lying - you know this - he knows this and is behaving in the worst possible way by attacking you about your behaviour ie reading his texts, when he knows you are vulnerable.

What amazes me is that he is so sure of himself. Wonder how sure he will be when your brother confronts him. What advice is your friend providing and he is aware she knows. Normally this sort of man gets nervy when someone outside is aware, ie outside of the cheaters/cheated on.

Stand your ground with him - he is lying, he knows it and you know it! My advice, kick him out, tell him that you have given him time to come clean and he is still lying. That your brother is on his way over and he can face him and then get his clothes and things and get out!

dont take it sars, you will destroy yourself if you do.

Practically. Is he at work tonight. Are you on your own or do you have someone with you?
Would you normally speak/see you brother / SIL daily/weekly, and will they find it odd if you don't? Or is DB likely to call anytime soon?
Do you have a plan for the immediate future?
How do you feel about how things will go
Or are you still so shaken that you don't know which way is up?

So sorry he wasn't a better man, because you do deserve better than that.

So sorry he doesn't realise that you were not born yesterday.

So sorry you are in this impossible position.

For what it's worth I imagine your brother will suspect something because they don't exactly sound like a pair of masterminds...

Do NOT be gaslighted by this piss poor excuse for a human being. Get your head held high and leave him to cancel anything you're not financially liable for over the wedding.

You are right, you have to tell your brother, even tell him the denial bit. If it would help, perhaps show your brother this thread, and he will realise how in bits you are, and how worried you were about him in all of this too.

You have to go face to face with your brother - this isn't an issue that can be conveyed on the phone and my guess is that he's going to be more concerned about you than he is about himself/his marriage.

Go with Crunch's excellent advice on how to broach the subject - one look at your face and I reckon your brother will know what you're going to say.

Please don't show him this thread! His painful, private business out here? Really don't.