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Original poster

I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

536 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 09:50

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

OP posts:
TheCrunchUnderfoot · 29/02/2012 17:06

Nasty man.

What a lot of information about your fiance's character you have gained from that exchange.

What are your thoughts now?

Are you holding off from speaking to your brother, if so why? - are you afraid that he might not believe you?

Don't feel that not taking 'action' as a response to what he's said as an initial reply weakens your position in any way. It really, really doesn't.

A perfectly valid response from the kind of woman who isn't a 'shouter' or a 'blower-upper' might, indeed, be to note his reaction, give the partner another couple of chances to a. come clean and b. apologise for his ABSURD attack on your character (sure fire sign of guilt there - as if you need any more convincing that he's a bastard) - then, maybe a week or more later, after giving the matter fair and considerable thought - only then might that kind of woman inform her P that actually, after long consideration and several chances to be honest with her, she now wants him to leave.

You have all the time in the world to decide YOUR course of action. Don't be pressured by anyone, especially not him.

Your brother, though. He needs to know. What if it were in reverse? You must tell him.

LucyDevenish · 29/02/2012 17:07

It isn't banter. He is a cockweasel.

HepHep · 29/02/2012 17:07

It's not banter. Haven't caught up with the latest posts on here but was lurking earlier. Hello, that's an affair in the making if not actually happening! Have folk on here been saying otherwise?! Hmm

lollipoppet · 29/02/2012 17:08

I'm guessing he now deleted said texts?

LucyDevenish · 29/02/2012 17:08

And IMO sexual banter between your (d)p and your brothers wife is spectacularly inappropriate.

fiventhree · 29/02/2012 17:08

He is getting out of a difficult spot by passing the blame to you- ie going on the offensive to avoid defending.

This is what a bad marriage can look like after a number of years. If you marry him, he is going to turn into a right charmer, isnt he?

Piss on you, and your family, and then blame you, and take absolutely no blame for himself. Nice.

Poor you.

minceorotherwise · 29/02/2012 17:09

You know the answer to that I'm afraid. I can't think of anything else that could mean.
Why don't you ask him to explain that specifically?
Although he may just try and persuade you that you read it incorrectly

verytellytubby · 29/02/2012 17:09

It's not banter. Sorry love.

ifeelloved · 29/02/2012 17:11

Agree with everyone else. Even if it was banter, it's very inappropriate and instead I apologising he's being very defensive. Does not look good.

fiventhree · 29/02/2012 17:11

If he tries to make out that you havnt seen exactly that, he is gaslighting too.

squeakytoy · 29/02/2012 17:12

You know it isnt banter, he knows it isnt banter. Your SIL will know it isnt banter too. Unfortunately they have now had enough time to concoct a tale and will make you out to be the mad one if you speak to your brother.

:(

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 29/02/2012 17:12

No. No possibility of banter.

If you have the time or the inclination to read some of the other Relationships threads, you will see that this response is as classic as it is stupid.

Deny
Deflect Blame
Accuse partner of fantasy/stupidity/misunderstanding.

Partly the stupidity of the response is just due to simple fucking terror and panic that you have found out. There IS no reasonable explanation, so a totally bizarre explanation is the only option.

You don't need to consider that point any further though, do you? You know what you saw. Most men deny it. Some men will literally make the most colossal idiotic fools of themselves swearing black is white before finally confessing - if they do.

It doesn't actually really matter - except of course that it further undermines things - is it even worth trying to save any excuse of a relationship if in addition to being a cheat, a guy is determined to also prove himself a thick liar - erm no!

I think you need to stay as calm as you can, so don't be led down the garden path on this one (that's what he's aiming at, btw - confusion, sowing doubt in your mind) - I'll repeat, you know what you saw.

Best thing to do is to move on to what YOU want to do about it. YOU, not him.

CheerfulYank · 29/02/2012 17:12

Banter my ass.

Ugh.

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 29/02/2012 17:13

I don't know if the texts are now deleted, but I don't really care, I know what I read, I'm not mad or inventing things (though why in the world anyone would invent this is beyond me, though I think that's what he's trying to make out I'm doing)

OP posts:
mummyplonk · 29/02/2012 17:13

Sars, you are not going mad or imagining things. If you look at your original post there is nothing else imo that "I Miss you""It was easier when we pretended to hate each other" "Its a mess", dosnt show a total deceipt on both sides for possibly a long period. Am so sorry he didnt have the decency to tell the truth, as a sideline how long ago was it that they used to apparantly not get on?

squeakytoy · 29/02/2012 17:14

If he thinks you have copied the texts onto your phone, I would be inclined to say, "well I am about to show my brother the texts and we will see if he thinks it is banter, shall we?"

PeppermintPasty · 29/02/2012 17:17

I'm so sorry Sars, what a fuckwit. Are you going to tell your brother?

I suspect that when it comes down to the wire, if you chucked your P out, your bro and other family members would know the truth from your actions. You're hardly likely to do something like that if it were not true....if that's the plan of course.

And no way are you going mad-what you saw was the truth, what is coming out of his mouth is totally untrue.

mummyplonk · 29/02/2012 17:17

great post thecrunchunderfoot

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 29/02/2012 17:18

he is trying to turn the blame on you - so that you doubt yourself.
You know what you saw, please tell your brother.

minceorotherwise · 29/02/2012 17:18

How have you left it with him?
Did you tell him you didn't believe him
Or did he create such a bluster and smokescreen that it was unresolved?

MadAboutHotChoc · 29/02/2012 17:19

Not surprised he has chosen to minimise, deny and deflect the blame - classic cheater behaviours.

It does not really matter as you KNOW the truth.

Are you calling off the wedding?

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 29/02/2012 17:21

Oh and to people who asked earlier if I'm financially dependant on him, no, it's my house, my mortgage, and I earn more than him, he pays towards bills but I could (just about) cope on my own and if needs be I'd find a lodger

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 29/02/2012 17:23

Or did he create such a bluster and smokescreen that it was unresolved?

That's exactly what he did, but that does not mean I'm finished with this

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 29/02/2012 17:26

God, Sars, I hope you're not going to let this go. What a fucking liar Angry

We're all behind you, and we KNOW you're right in what you saw.

rubyrubyruby · 29/02/2012 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.