Advice please if anyone's up

[losttheflickumdickumagain]

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

On another note ds1 has come home from school heartbroken because he has no friends. This has been a big worry for me since he started school, he doesn't seem to be making friends very well. He really likes a couple of boys, but they prefer playing with other people and tell him they're not his friend. Yesterday and today he told me nobody would play with him he's breaking my heart. I don't know how to fix anything at the minute .

Have you spoken to his teacher about the friends? The teacher will be able to either give more information about the situation and/or help in some way. It take s a while though- so awful to see your dc's upset about this stuff when there is precious little you can do about it for them.

My dd1 spent hours telling me she had no friends, but when I spoke to the teacher, she invited us to come along and watch dd1 during breaks, and she seemed to have a few children to play with and was having a better time than I had imagined. There are days when she says that no-one would play with her, but they are less and less now, and she is more settled.

I think a little spy box we all get a turn in, would be great at primary school. It would put a lot of anxious parents minds at rest.
Sorry it's all so ghastly for you atm. xx

I have spoken to the teachers before, in nursery (I actually saw a boy telling others not to play with him), and now his reception teacher. She said she'd try to encourage pairing up etc with boys he seemed to get on with. I've had boys to tea nearly every week. But he still seems to be left out at school. I've seen him a couple of times in the playground, and he just stands on the outskirts . There's a few people in the class that need extra attention, and I think the quieter ones get a bit overlooked. But I suppose the teachers can't make them play with each other. I'll have to have a chat though. He was really upset today. He's only 5, schools hard enough without it starting this early.

I'm glad your dd is more settled littlebundles .

So sorry for your DS.

It must be harder on him these days. :(

Does he make friends easily outside of the school?

No he doesn't really. He's very shy. I've started taking him swimming, and to football. Hopefully he'll get more confidence.

Thank you Lost- you sounds as though you're doing an amazing job helping him find his feet.

I wish I was, I'm so close to just putting a sticking plaster on all this .

If this were someone else and not you, I imagine you'd think they were doing a great job, especially given the circumstances :)

The only thing is, Lost, and I hope I am not just projecting my experience, is that if you still have any nagging doubts, they will resurface. It will not go away.

I do know this, as I 'chose to believe' about 4 or 5 times in five years, each time I saw photos of women in his received files. eg downloaded with music by accident etc etc. But in my heart I was still suspicious, even though I would go for months without thinking about it, consciously. By the time I did insist on the truth and simply refuse to back down, our relationship was in a terrible mess all round and the kids badly affected. Looking back, I was suffering from depression eventually.

Sometimes, this putting a pin in the balloon, and making him be totally honest for once, might actually give you a much better future, regardless of what you decide to do re him.

Re your ds - My ds1 was very solitary,not many friends etc. I volunteered at the school (in his class) as much as i could, to get to know the kids, i engineered playdates and teas, and generally helped him with his circle of friends. (he's 19 and at uni now!) It sounds like you are doing all you can to boost his confidence with swimming etc, so I'm sure that will pay off. The splitting up of parents is hard on this age, but also short-lived - in a few months of living apart (if it comes to that) it will all seem quite normal for them.
BTW when i split from DH we tried to co-parent in the same house. The DSs knew there was something up, as i was sleeping in the dining room. I beleive it can work, but there must be boundaries and rules drawn up, for, say, if either of you want to move on.

I've avoided posting today, I can't seem to think straight at all today, exhaustion has set in. Crap crap crap day. A friend has come round which was nice, she watched dd for me while I went to get ds2 from nursery. His teachers wanted a word with me, he's wet himself 3 times, and he's been running around and run straight into a door edge and hurt his little face . Poor little mite . He only started nursey in January, it's only a couple of hours. He's been loving it so far. He sometimes gets little wet patches on his trousers when he leaves it to the last minute to get to the toilet, but he doesn't really wet himself. 3 times in 3 hours! What's going on? Please tell me this isn't to do with what's going on at home?! We're not fighting in front of them, we're actually quite civil, although I do have to keep telling h not to raise his voice.

I'm shattered, I can't even be bothered talking to him tonight.

Sorry, I'm venting again. I'm worn out and fed up with it all. I don't even feel upset anymore, I'm just sick of the lies now and I'm just getting angry.

Charlearose, thank you for that, it made me smile , I feel like reading it to him.

And I'm losing the plot, couldn't find the fabric softener anywhere this morning, I'd put it in the fridge! I'm doing lots of stuff like that! Don't think having wine is a good idea at the minute .

Lost, I am glad that you are getting angry.

About your DS. Try not to worry. So much easier said than done, I know. He sounds a wee sweetie, and in a proper shy phase at the moment bless him. I bet he grows up to be a wonderfully astute and sensitive chap! And he only started nursery recently too, don't forget that - he IS still adjusting. He'll have up and down weeks for a bit yet I'd think.

Yes, he probably is picking up on the atmosphere in the house at the moment - of course he will. I note however that from the little you've said, sounds like your H is the one doing his best to create that atmosphere - you're having to tell him not to raise his voice? Really? So he's got the gall to be an angry twat too, has he?

I feel another stab of anger at what is pretty much another pressure tactic. Your H knows that another way to get you to put up and shut up is to cause a bad atmosphere, so you get protective of the childrens' right not to hear this stuff (i.e., be a good parent!) and you try and calm the situation. I guess at the moment you're not so willing to do this. Does that mean that your H steps up to the 'parenting plate' so to speak, and modifies his behaviour a bit -thinks of the children first? Not at all. No, he's going to stamp and shout, make the kids just a little bit anxious, deliberately do that, use the kids' distress as another way of subtly pressuring you to drop your stance. On his fucking cheating!

You must be massively stressed by all this. I would urge you, again, to think of the bigger picture. Putting a plaster on this won't work for the children either. Growing up in a house of lies, distrust, and resentment - that isn't the recipe for a good childhood. I haven't been in the situation of separating with children but I know that many with first-hand experience of that will be able to come on here and share their experiences. From what I have read, few regret a split in terms of the children.

It is disgusting on another level that he is behaving like this in front of them - their welfare also appears to come below his need to get his lies believed so that he can go back to having his cake and eating it, just like your peace of mind.

Your DS will be fine because he has a LOVING, CARING, EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT MOTHER. Don't be afraid.

If you're exhausted take a night off from all this. You don't have to talk to him. You don't have to engage. Speak to friends. Gather strength. There's no clock ticking on your decisions. I would say again that he needs to leave and I think in order to get to that point, you need to get advice on where you would be financially. Maybe that's the next step, get advice, do some sums.

Children pick up on the tension, even if you don't fight. :(

My DS has always been a not very sociable boy. Luckily he seems to be fine by himself and he's the one actually rejecting other children for some reason.

I have made a point of encouraging other children to join us in the park and even the library, and of encouraging him to interact with them.

He's got better, but he still doesn't have lots of friends. He tends to have a small number of good friends, but takes a while to find them.

If it helps, when things were tense in the house with ex, I liked going out with DS. Not only it gives some breathing space, but some physical activity and the fresh air seem to lift the mood.

However, as others have said, you need physical space from your OH. Essentially he needs to move out, even if to a bedsit. They are not that expensive. Or sleep in the shed?

Your poor DS - all the more reason to kick H out so in order to have a tension free, peaceful and happy home for your DC.

I have found, with five children over a wide age range, that they are very 'suggestable' to personality traits.

This can work both ways, of course.

One example is that my elder daughter came home alot anxting about friends, and it worried me, so I asked her about it after school for quite a while etc.

I now think she was picking up on my tension/anxiety re her, not the other way around.

With my next daughter, when she had friends issues, I said cheerfully, 'Oh, you'll sort it out, you are great at making friends'. After a very short while, she started to say, 'oh yes, it's so easy!'

Lost, how are you doing today?

Very very ashamed of myself I've been the one losing it today in front of the dc's. I couldn't seem to stop myself. I feel absolutely crap. I won't let myself do it again.

Thank you for asking.

Keep strong lost and don't waver. Cut yourself some slack right now too. You've had a horrible shock and trauma, so it's no wonder you're under so much stress. Is there any chance of someone you trust coming to stay or where you could all go for a break?

Please don't go for the sticking plaster option. It never works. Once mistrust and lies have entered a relationship, it never gets any better until everything is out there and on the table, however grisly and painful.

And if he gets away with brushing this under the carpet, any respect he had for you will turn to contempt. His behaviour will worsen because he will know that when push comes to shove, you'll tolerate it.

The other thing is that for you and the children's sake, you need to have some control of the timing if your relationship ends. I've got no doubt that even if this affair ends because of your discovery, it will either resume once the fuss has died down or he will start up another with someone else. And as soon as the circumstances are right for him he will up and leave you without notice.

Stay firm however much you are tempted to cave in. It will be such a grave mistake if you do.

Oh Lost, it's ok to lose it occasionally- you've had no sleep in days and you're trying to hold it together for everyone. The dc's will forgive and forget so quickly.

Try and cut yourself a bit of slack ok? and