Advice please if anyone's up

[losttheflickumdickumagain]

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

Oh, the suicide threats. Yes, I had that.

Any witnesses to the grave visit and blood?

I'd give him the Samaritan's phone number.

I just hope he doesn't turn violent. Take care.

Perhaps he should go and stare at a different 4 walls ?

it's marvellous for sharpening the mind (and forcing them to confront their own behaviour)

Sitting and staring at his own 4 walls, while you tiptoe around him, won't cut it, I am afraid

at pathetic suicide threat and maudlin mother's grave bullshit.

God, they all read from the same script, don't they?

I hope he really has booked that place away, and really is going to be out of your hair soon so you have the space you need to think and act. Though you will doubtless have to field plenty of "pity meeeeee" calls and texts while he is away.

We have the builders in, I decided life goes on, and I still need another bedroom, do I'm sitting in a car park while ds2 and dd sleep.
Moneys tight at the minute, how long can i ask him to stay in a b&b/hotel? Money wise I'm completely dependant on him. We haven't got the money for him to stay elsewhere, and he says he hasn't got anyone to stay with. I can't take the dc's, my mum lives in London, I'm in Yorkshire.
God, what a mess!

He's not going to commit suicide and he's not coughing up blood.

He might have gone to his mother's grave because he's never grown up and still expects women to fix his fuck-ups. But he only told you all this bollocks to make you feel sorry for him. A man with integrity would tell you the complete truth and then leave so that you can make your own decisions. Or offer to look after the non-breastfed kids while you left and got some space.

This didn't happen in isolation. And it's got nothing to do with you.

He was in the habit of lying to you and has done so for years. The smoking, the pictures of naked women on his phone.....and he always reacts the same way when he's caught. He lies, he gets angry and tries to turn the guilt over to you. He tries to frighten you with his anger. When you react differently and don't follow your role in the script, it unsettles him.

So he changes tactics and tries to induce sympathy and yet more guilt.

It would take years for him to change these habits, but he won't do any of that until he's lost everything. Of that I assure you.

You can't fix him and you could have done nothing to control this situation. The only thing you can take some responsibility for is letting him get away with lying to you before, but hindsight's a wonderful thing.....

He's having an affair for two reasons and two reasons only. Neither have anything to do with you or his dissatisfactions with the relationship.

He did it because he got the opportunity and he thought he'd get away with it.

Well he really is quite pathetic isn't he?

Accept my lies and maltreatment of you, or I'll kill myself and it'll be all your fault!!

As for visiting his mum's grave....a) So what? b) It's more than likely another lie. He's rather good at those.

He is basically telling you that he expects YOU to take responsibility for the emotional distress he now finds himself in, even though he brought it entirely upon himself and in doing so, did not give you a single kind thought.

This is a man who wants and expects to get his own way, and will not only tell the most outrageous lies to get it, but will also stoop to emotional blackmail in order to manipulate and control. He is a liar and liars cannot be trusted. They will say whatever it is they think they have to, to get what they want.

In this case he wants you to drop the subject of his cheating, and on top of that, he has the audacity to expect your sympathy as well.

Yuck.

I actually feel quite hot with anger at a person who decided to do this, decided to behave this way, hid the phone, made the calls - thinks it is acceptable to show such breathtaking hypocrisy.

If you're going to cheat, lie, deceive - then when you are found out, at least have the decency not to pretend that your primary relationship is so important to you that you simply cannot go on at the thought of it being under threat.

YOUR MARRIAGE QUITE OBVIOUSLY ISN'T THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU, YOU TOTAL TWAT, OTHERWISE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO BLOODY HAPPY TO THROW IT ON THE FLOOR AND STAMP ALL OVER IT!!!

Where were the tears and the heartache and the turmoil when he decided to start all this, then? Didn't pop up for a heartrending chat with his mum when he was in the process of deciding whether to get a sim and arrange a hidden phone relationship - no? No need, was there? He was quite sure that he was happy with that bit, yes? Why of course. It's just the being found out and having to face up to his cheating that has him all in a spin. Poor guy.

OP, you're quite right, you may have been able to come back from infidelity, but I don't know how anyone could continue in a marriage with such a hypocritical, manipulative pathetic scumbag. He intends to pull out every stop he can to escape facing the music. He is utterly despicable.

First thing you do is get him to transfer all money to your account or a joint one, and his wages go in there from now on. The family money should now come to the person who is basically looking after the family!

Are there relatives he can stay with? I guess that comes up against the question of telling people what's going on - YES, DO. Take that choice out of his hands - if there's anyone you know he could stay with, call them now and ask. Have it as a done deal.

It buys you a week or so of breathing space at least.

He can go and stay with this woman who is after all just a good friend

I'm sure her husband will welcome him with open arms.....

You need some legal advice quickly to see what benefits you'll be entitled to. Once you know your financial situation and what you will get once he leaves permanently, you'll feel more in control. You could also contact your mortgage provider and ask for a payment holiday or to switch to interest only payments for a while. Get some clear advice from people who won't lie to you.

He needs to stay away and start looking for bedsits rather than hotels or B&Bs.

this man strikes me as the kind of person who would "swear on his kids lives" he hadn't cheated

Hahahaa! I do love it when lie telling shysters swear on people's lives they are telling the truth, as if swearing on anything makes a blind bit of difference to their slaver!

I used to have a flatmate who was a pathalogical liar economical with the truth. He did a lot of swearing on his mum's life, eyes wide and voice level, with the strain of trying and failing to convince.

Laughable he was. He was a cheat too.

did his mother drop dead on the spot ?

No - but if swearing on her life had held any actual gravity whatsoever, she would've.

This guy was the worst kind of liar. He was one of those who would continue persistently with his lies, even though all evidence pointed to the contrary. Then he would get angry that his lies were not being swallowed and turn on the outraged how-dare-you routine, in which he played the part of victim-of-false-accusations to a tee, raging around the place, furious that his integrity should be called into question.

He was the biggest, fattest liar that I have ever known.

Mine swore on the kids lives. There is nothing they wont say to avoid detection. I had lying for years, then anger, then rage, then disability playing up, and then tears (alongside more lies).

He had me thinking I was mad, and at one point he actually told me that I was making it up as I had nothing else in my life (I had recently lost alot of my work).

He lied at Relate for nearly a month, and HE WAS STILL DOING IT after we agreed to go.

I have learned alot this year about how even the most unlikely man will lie to save his skin in this situation, and your h is still lying and trying to control you with his antics.

He is panicking now, and throwing everything at it, everything which has ever worked in the past, and pushing all your buttons, which he knows well how to do. In fact he is terrified (they all are), and not allowing himself to face the truth, which is that you Know.

It really is scary, how many unfaithful men whose wives start threads on mn follow these prescribed patterns.

Ive only been using mn since September and I have already seen dozens unfold like this.

Swearing on your child's life is proof that you are having an affair.

You can come back from this you will recover, don't know whether it will be with him but you will cope.

I know of marriages that have survived affairs where the h realised that he'd fucked up and did everything he needed to do to might it right. However I don't know if your h can do this or whether you even want him to

I think he's defended himself so much, in his eyes he can't come back from that.

Pictish was his name David?? :-)

Sounds just like my STBX!

Tough shit. That's what happens when you lie.
If he'd rather defend his pathetic, transparent lies, than have any actual respect for his wife and family, then I have no sympathy for him.
If he'll choose pride over the truth, then he's a fool that deserves what he gets. As far as he's concerned, it's still all about him isn't it?

OP, my h denied evidence for 5 years.

I only got the real story when he really knew I would not back down the last time I saw photos, and moved out of the bedroom, in preparation for the inevitable split. Even then, it took a total of 6 weeks, of which 4 included Relate. And then he drip fed, a bit.

It takes ages with this type of man to get the truth out of them.

We are still together, but I swear we wouldnt be if he didnt know I meant business. If you are not used to being this harsh with your own h, and I wasnt, then they rely on this to muddle through with more lies.

And, yes, it is all about him at the moment, and his feelings.

My dearly loved and much lamented late aunt confronted her former best girlfriend the ow who swore blind that she had not been getting it off had an affair with my aunt's then dh.

Shame the OW swore on her husband's life. He dropped dead a year later

IMO discovering that one's spouse/partner is a complete and utter lowdown lying conniving piece of gobshite and that, in the process, he's taken you for a complete and utter mug of the first order can be a far worse realisation than the fact that he's had his leg over with an ow.

The sexual acts he performed with the ow lasted seconds minutes, but the fall out from his extra curricular activities may last a lifetime.

There is some satisfaction to be gained by disabusing him of the notion that just because he's taken you for a mug doesn't mean you'll continue to swallow his lies, but it comes at an exorbitantly high price because it will be a very long time, if ever, that you will feel able to have any confidence in him in any matter let alone those of a marital nature.

Now that your rosy specs have been so rudely knocked off, take a good, long, hard, look at him, honey. That snivelling self-centred, self-absorbed, drama queen vision of manliness is what you could be living with for the rest of your life. Not a very attractive prospect, is it?

Lost, I'm so glad you spoke to a friend and your mum- it's awful telling people (for some reason I felt like I was the failure whenever I told people about what awful things he had been doing- go figure ).

He doesn't have to stay in a b&b- there will be somewhere cheaper available somewhere.

You'll be able to get your head around the financial stuff a bit more when you've got some legal/financial advice- you don't need to have all the answers now.

He will continue to try and 'win' from here- as long as you don't rescue and don't attack him (that will fuel the 'it's all your fault' thing he has going), he'll eventually figure out that the old tricks won't work. Whatever happens, it is not your job to fix him now.

This situation is not your fault.