Advice please if anyone's up

[losttheflickumdickumagain]

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

You are under extreme stress, of course you will be absent minded and lose it sometimes. Its part of being human, it will not damage your kids long term!
Now you need to reduce the stress: so slack on housework, cooking etc. And get rid of the big problem.
If you do cry or otherwise lose it in fron tof the kids then apologise to them, let them know you are sorry and its wasn't because of what they did bu because "Mummy is worried, frustrated.".
Do the nursery and school know what is going on at home? Let them know and that you are doing your best to sort things. They should be understanding, you are not the only parent to be going through this.

Don't worry. You won't have scarred them for life! It will be ok.

You are clearly under a massive amount of stress. This isn't going to improve - please get some advice and get him away from you all.

Thank you, I needed to hear that.

Right, I've been up all night, even took myself for a walk at 2 o'clock this morning. This might be a terrible idea, but I think what I'm going to do for the time being is, get this building work finished, get the dc's settled. H wants to do anything to get this sorted he said, he's still adamant he hasn't cheated. I'm not stupid, there's got to be a reason he's not telling me. I really need to get settled a bit, then I'm going to find out where I stand. He wants to go to relate, he's even said he'll go and see a psychiatrist about his need to lie .

It probably sounds crap, and im by no means convincing myself it's all going to be okay. But I need to get on my feet again and feel a bit stronger if that makes sense? To know what I'm doing for me and the dc's. I'm without a doubt done with any comments, arguing in front of them, if that continues, he goes, simple as. But I need to sort myself out a bit, and yes, I think I can do it while he's here.

Does this sound ridiculous?

Got to say, the dickhead had the cheek to ask for a hug last night!!!!! HE needed one. No, he didn't get one.

You're all going to think I'm a complete idiot now aren't you?

No you are not an idiot, I know too well how easy it is to leave things as these are.

The problem with this is that as long as your H knows you are not serious, he will just continue to take the piss, lie and deny everything. The best way of forcing the truth is to tell him to leave.

The fact that he asked for a hug shows he thinks you have given up and will take him back.

Also for your DC, living in a house that is tense is very damaging even though you think you are being careful not to argue in front of them.

When the building work's done, could you move out of the shared bedroomfor a while? It'll give you time to think - and him a sense of what he's potentially losing. Might make him wake up and get help, or at least realise that you are serious.

We haven't been in the bedroom together for a while. I stupidly never thought to mention that. Dd has been co-sleeping with me, she's only recently gone in her own room. He's still stayed on the settee (he's been on and off there since we got together) he snores horrendously. I should've mentioned all that before shouldn't I?

It's not just because of snoring, he suffers with bad knees, he's always been up and down through the night. I never asked him to sleep downstairs, he started doing it himself when I was heavily pregnant with ds1, so i could get some sleep.

Oh ok lost - i suppose that has defused that one then! Do you really think he can brush this under the carpet after a while? If you do take some time out to think, do you think he'll assume everything's ok because you are not shouting? (that is most men, after all)

losttheflickumdickumagain

Understand your H is a cheating lying b***d

If there was nothing incriminating on his phone, no way would he have broken it in the way he did.

The topless picture you came across, only a whoring husband would react in the manner he did. If his friend sent it as he claimed, why did he not immediately call his friend and put him on speaker phone to allay your concerns?

Surely you must know than in the absence of evidence, a man will ALWAYS deny deny deny. When faced with evidence they explain away.

We woman can?t lie to ourselves, our sixth sense won't allow us to and it NEVER fails us. We just CHOOSE to ignore it. That feeling is what prompted you into action about your H smoking. If you want to stay with him because of your children that fine.

You might want to get a sti check I've just noticed that you sleep in seperate beds, honey, if you aren't giving to him, someone else surely is.

Hi Lost - you're (understandably) not telling us much about what you're going through. What you say is more about the children and about your H. FWIW I do hope you're taking care of yourself. This is a terrible terrible mess your H has made whatever the truth is behind what he's done. From the little you say, he sounds as if he's doing very little to clean it up either with you or the kids.

I don't really have any advice - I just wanted to give you a because it all sounds so horribly familiar to me. You'll remember that I had my discovery moment with H about seven years ago now and I am pretty much in the same place still. I'm sorry if that sounds depressing - I don't mean it to be. It's just that if you decide that you're going to move on regardless of whether you accept his explanation or not, it will seem to him as though you've tacitly accepted his behaviour. Now, he may not continue or he may simply hide it from you more successfully. Either way, this turmoil that you feel now could go on for some time if you don't grab your chance to actually physically take a step towards doing something about it.

I know how frightening that feels to you - hell, I'm telling you to do something that I couldn't! But I just want you to know that unless you do something, your relationship with him won't get any better. it will deterioriate to the point that you don't respect him because you don't trust him and then whether he did something or not - his actions will be irrelevant because his lying has overtaken them in their significance.

Does that make sense? I hope it does. I know the feeling of needing to make everything alright for your family but ultimately he benefits from that because he's part of your family. the one piece of advice I do have is to start putting yourself first. If you don't already, make time for yourself. Easy to say I know and I've only started to do this really recently. If you don't get out recently - make it a resolution to go out for the night at least once a month. Get your hair done. Have a facial. Pamper yourself. They needn't be everyday things - just treats that you give yourself to show yourself (and him) that you're special and deserving of time and attention.

It's only now that I'm starting to make myself a life away from my family (as much as a one year old boob monster, a three year old demon toddler and a whingy seven year old will allow me!) that I can feel my H starting to respect me for the person I am. Unfortunately the feeling is not reciprocated anymore

Paranoid, what a great post- I think it sums up so well what a lot of people are saying here. You sound lovely :)

Thank you paranoidprue. It's lovely of you to write such a thoughtful reply. I hope so much that things get better for you.

I'm sorry if I don't seem to be saying everything, I really thought I was. I suppose I didn't want to witter on too much in case you all get fed up of me, and these replies have really been helping. Okay, some of them I'd rather not see, but I need to.

He's at least trying to (or making out he is) prove that it's all a what he said it is, but it feels like its too late now anyway.

I will post later, i'm sorry again if I don't seem to be saying much, I really thought I was.

Only just seen your thread. I can't add anything to the advice you've been given here but wanted to send you cyber thoughts. Your strength comes through in your posts. The man is a fool. ((hug))

Witter away if you want to Lost :). You don't have to post if you don't want to, I think the point was that it sounds from your posts that you are worried about everyone in your family (understandably), but it's unclear here how you are doing, and whether you're getting the support you need.

Hope today was a better one.

Thank you do much for the support. I truly mean that.

Last night we talked and talked and talked. He's taking complete responsibility, he's said from the beginning (when he finally admitted it was a woman), that it was just a friendship and text messages. I can't believe that, I wish I could, but that still doesn't explain that photo he got about 2 years ago. He'd only just got his iPhone, that's why the picture showed straight up, I think on any other phone it would have said text message, and you'd have to open it. Last night I was honestly thinking we had something once, it's worth trying to save, but that would mean a new start. Then I keep going back to that message, and how could we have a new start, when we have no truthful foundation to build on. Does that make sense?

I still can't stop shaking, but I've been fine for the dc's, so I'm okay with that. I haven't cried for a couple of days now either. I just feel that my life has been such a lie, and I don't even know how long for.

Today I got ready properly, hair and make up to try and make myself feel better (have I said before I don't usually, never enough time!) i couldn't believe the way he seemed when I came downstairs, he said I looked lovely, but seemed put out that I'd done it. I'm sure he thinks I'm trying to impress other men now! Everything seems to have gone mad. We went out to get ds1 some new swimming stuff, and some toys. Quite strange to seem like happy families when it's all falling apart. I was watching him in the toy shop, he was just standing there and I wanted to hit him. I was thinking of all the times we go out, and how cocky he must be that he's had a whole other thing going on for so long. I can't describe how much I disrespect him now. I can't ever see me getting that back.

I keep thinking the main problem has been since I had ds1, I stopped being a wife and just became a mum. We talked about all this before we decided to have children. Always said we'd come first, our relationship was the reason we were having children (I thought we were too selfish with our time to have children when we first got together) but once you have them all that changes doesn't it? I'm not regretting trying do hard to be a good mum, I'd go it all again. And I know I worry about everything, I'm a complete stresshead. But it still doesn't make what he's done okay. I'm far from perfect, but I've always loved him.

He asked me today if I still love him, and i couldn't answer. I just said its unfair to ask that now, but honestly, I don't know how I feel. Apart from shocked, hurt and angry.

See, told you I could witter!

I'm feeling calmer now, but in saying that it only takes him to have a little dig, or keep sounding sorry for himself, and I'll probably go back to square one again. I don't know, I've never done this before.

I'm still not sure what to do yetif I'm honest I think I know what I have to do, I just need to get on my feet a bit. If I don't throttle him first

Please excuse all the typos and stuff

Hi Lost - twolittlebundles has hit the nail on the hit for me It's not that you're not telling us much - it's that you're not saying much about how you feel about H. What's coming across is the worry you feel for your little family unit. Remember - we're here solely to support you however you feel. I think you can possibly allow yourself to witter a little more than you are. Perhaps I'm judging you by my standards! I'm a terrible witterer and have relied (far too much) on MN to get all my feelings out in long rambly posts - I'm always amazed as how much time and effort the posters here spend helping me analyse every little nuance of how I'm feeling and it helps because sometimes you can be too inward looking and not see other perspectives.

I can't speak for other posters but I do wonder how you're feeling inside your head. I imagine much of your day is spent just carrying on with the routines of looking after your children and perhaps you feel you don't have time to navel-gaze as I do! It seems that there are other problems unrelated to this incident - the sleeping separately, the arguments, his attitude. You say your H is making an effort but how so? How does that make you feel? Are you feeling disappointed or angry? You can allow yourself to feel those negative emotions - they're helpful to your own recovery from this shock in that they are better spoken (even on the web amongst relative strangers) than unspoken and held deep inside where they can breed resentment and bitterness. I speak from experience btw!

Just as an aside - I'm not lovely at all! I've been a complete bitch to H today because (I feel that) he's been a lazy bastard!! In all seriousness I do feel that much of my anger towards him is borne from a deep mistrust and suspicion I feel despite the fact that he's done as much as he feels he is able to reassure me. I don't know what the answer is. I only know for sure that "going back to normal" is not the answer. There needs to be change and whilst you can't force him to own up to whatever he's done and talk it through with you honestly and openly, you can draw a line in the sand for yourself as to what you will and won't put up with.

Have another for good measure - what a shame we can't crack open the wine and maybe we can clink our instead?

Ooooh - crossed posts with a lovely big witter - hurrah for Lost!!

Well, I am pleased that you've had a talk but I recognise that feeling where although initially you feel happy that you've talked things through, afterwards all sorts of scenarios and questions run through your mind and make you feel as if you're going crazy. I'd agree with you based on what you've said that his "story" isn't really making sense. I mean, you don't call someone up to 10 times a day that is simply a friend - what on earth were they talking about? And the issue with the photo text (although it was some time ago) also doesn't add up. I'm sorry to say Lost that I don't think he is telling the truth It's possible it didn't go as far as anything physical I suppose in as much as it's possible my H didn't but it's the not knowing, isn't it?

I think your anger is an entirely normal reaction and you should run with it. I'm not surprised you wanted to lamp him whilst he was trying to play happy families! It's good that you made an effort to look good - not for him but for you to know that you needn't tie up your entire self-esteem in him. It may not apply to you but for me, coming to a realisation that I had invested all my capacity for happiness in H's actions, behaviour and thoughts was a big step. When I stopped seeking his approval constantly, the pain from his betrayal subsided a little. Before I knew he was capable of doing that, I always felt that we were in a little bubble - him and I totally reliant on each other, all we needed was each other blah blah blah. I don't think that anymore! OMG I sound like a bitter dried up old harpy but honestly I don't think it's a bad thing that I've stopped looking to him to make me happy.

I'll stop wittering in a minute but I would just say that you shouldn't worry too much about what your next steps will be. You're doing a grand job being there for your kids and looking after yourself. Try not to do the guilt thing of "Oh, I haven't been a very good wife". Even if you prioritised your kids over your marriage for a while, that's what any good parent would do when their kids are little and rely on you for everything. If he was feeling neglected...well...boo fucking hoo - he should have told you instead of seeking instant gratification elsewhere. When that guilty feeling creeps up on you just say to yourself "He hasn't been a very good fucking husband, has he?" (ps swearing is optional but useful!)

Paranoidprue I think I love you .

I think I've lived in the 'bubble' too long too. That's exactly what we've always been like (or so I thought).

Ds2's asthma's started playing up tonight , and h is more concerned than I've ever seen him. Don't get me wrong, I know he loves him and it is very scary when ds gets like this, but he's overdoing the concerned parent bit. He's not being himself. Does he really not see how transparent he is?

I think I'm going to go with the throttling him option at the minute.

Garrotting is the way to go, honey. - throttling plays havoc with the nails

Btw, nah, he doesn't see how transparent he is - in his eyes he's giving an Oscar-winning performance as a contrite, remorseful, penitent, but ultimately loving and caring husband and father and you'll see another side to him when he realises you haven't bought into it.

It's a fact that when they look in the mirror they see themselves as irresistable babe bait don't see themselves as we see them or as they truly are, which can accurately be described as 'pathetic sad sacks of shite'.

You put your arm around the neck from the back, lock with the other arm and squeeze.

Do take the time you need.
Women are often blamed for becoming mums more than wives, but men are often only reluctant hands on dads. If there is a good balance there should not be problems.

It should not be an excuse for straying.

Good on you for taking care of yourself.
Not only you showed him you are not totally distraught, but also reminded him of what he is missing now. :)
That is your best revenge.

And revenge is always a dish best eaten cold...

Keep him dancing on hot coals until the fire of your anger burns out. That fire is not going to damp itself down anytime soon, but there's no need for you to rush into making decisions simply because he wants to 'know where he stands', or some such other unreasonable demand.

Although he's visited his deceitful and underhand behaviour on you, he's the one with the problem and he needs to take his ego in hand resolve the issues that have led him to engage in acts of infidelity before you can give consideration to the continuance of your marriage.