Advice please if anyone's up

[losttheflickumdickumagain]

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

I know, reading that I just sound sorry for myself. He knows never in a million years would I do anything like that. If things aren't right or something's niggling, I can't ever hold it in. That's the thing, I've never lied to him, I never would. I've never been a sneaky person, ever. I'm just venting on here a bit, somewhere to let things out I suppose, instead of telling dd and the dogs .

Dd is just one by the way, I'm not scarring her, she just gives me toothy grins when I waffle at her .

I'm sorry, my last post sounds harsh... it's not meant to. It sounds like you're trying to rationalise it away, that's all, and that doesn't work long term. It won't give your the peace you want. It's smoke and mirrors that you are creating for yourself. It's sticking a plaster on a broken leg.

I really, really would get him to leave.

I'm quite sickened by the way he is treating you - it's all about him, isn't it? You need space, and time to get to grips with things - but no, he's there, in your face, relentless, pushy, and worst of all telling lies all the time.

If he had the slightest respect for you, and the slightest awareness of what he has done, what he has destroyed, you would be hearing the truth from him, and then he would be offering to leave to let YOU come to terms with things and make a few decisions. But no.

'I love you i love you i love you I didn't do anything it was all innocent you're wrong, I mean I'm wrong, but no it was still nothing, yes I'm saying I'm guilty and being sorry one moment then changing my mind and realising it's best to not admit a thing the next, ooh and yes we've all conveniently forgotten that I changed my story on the phone several times so yes I've lied and lied and lied but of course I love you and would never do anything to let you down...'

Horrid. Horrid and stressful. Please get him to leave.

Please don't be sorry, I probably need a kick up the bum now.

A very gentle kick. Make him shut up and give you space, all else can wait.

Hope your DD is coming along a treat :)

Lost, I'm so sorry this has happened to you and I've just read through the thread.

In October last year my very best friend's H told her that he didn't love her anymore. It came totally out of the blue, she had no idea. Then she found a phone hidden in a drawer in their dining room. On it she found explicit messages from an OW. She confronted it and he finally admitted that he had received a Friend Request on FB from OW back in August, he used to work with her many years ago. They started chatting and that's how it all started.

My BF kicked her soon to be EXH out straight away and he now lives back with his parents. They only have one DD who is 8. EXH lives 50 mins away and my BF has had to change her hours at work etc to make sure that she can do the school-runs. Her life has changed to much and so unexpectedly.

BUT, I have seen strength and bravery that I have never ever seen before. I am in awe at how she is coping with everything. She got herself a Financial Advisor and a Solicitor and is already working through how she can keep the house. Of course he is digging his heels in but she is remainingly amazingly strong.

So, I know that your situation is vastly different as you have 3 children and you're currently not working, but it seems to me that you can always find the strength (from somewhere) to cope with these things and you will. You already sound strong and that you've got your head screwed on.

You are doing amazingly well already. In a years time, you will look back, albeit with some sadness about the situation, but you will be so much further on than you are now. Your DC will adjust and you will be the amazingly strong role model to them that my BF is to her DD. And to me aswell!

Good luck. xx

Apologies for all the grammatical errors... (to instead of too - etc...).

Pretty much what TheCrunchUnderfoot wrote (twice :)).

His actions are not of someone guiltfree.

jshm2, did you make those phonecalls in a hidden phone and then smashed it?

Brilliant, he's now threatening to kill himself without us. How low is this going to get, why won't he just admit it?

He's actually doing the talking now. I've stopped going on. I went straight upstairs last night after the bairns did. I think that's shocked him, I don't normally leave stuff unsettled. Think this has shocked him more, and he's panicking now.

Sorry but he no more likey to kill himself as you are.

It just another classic thing to say so you fall back into line with what he wants.

Tell you will ring the police.

He obviously read the book all these men read.

I'm sure someone will come along with list of what he has done and what he will do/say to keep you inline.

He's going to kill himself because you won't lie down and accept his infidelity, more like.

Not that he will.

What an entitled, self pitying, manipulative shit!

Just another thought ask him if his insurance is paid upto date.

I won't get paid out if it's suicide, I did point that out to him. I've told him he's got to go, even if it's just for a couple of days. He's booking somewhere.

How hard it must be for you to have any respect for him now lost? If he'd admitted it with a full and frank confession, there might have been a way to work through it after some time apart. Now, he is chipping away at any positive regard you might have for him. The 'angry' text from the OW, the suicide threat, it's all about him, all trying to get you to drop it. Way to make a horrible situation worse! What a coward! Good luck to you, stay strong!

What a surprise.

I hope that at least this is making it quite clear to you how devious, nasty and manipiulative he is prepared to be to bully you into getting back into line.

I suggest a calm reply along the lines of 'I think in that case then you had better find a home elsewhere, as you are not suitable to remain in the house with us if you are that unstable. I will call the GP now and make sure they know that you are suicidal so that you can get help.'

I'll say it again - just make him leave. Get angry, and say that right now the ONLY thing he can do that will even slightly make you believe that he has your best interests at heart is to FUCK OFF OUT OF YOUR FACE AND LET YOU THINK IN PEACE.

He's been to see his mothers grave on the way to work and talk to her (he's not been there since we first got together) and he's started coughing up blood.

I know you don't need to know all this, I'm just wring it down so I believe he's saying it myself really.

Where's the man I married? We'll never recover from this

Suicide threats ?

coughing up tomato ketchup blood ?

Visiting his mothers grave for the first time ?

Wow, this man is goood

What a pity he missed his chance for an Oscar this year...he would have clinched it, no problem

is he also looking a bit unkempt, not taking care of himself, losing his footing a little bit when he walks, staring into space and squeezing tears out ?

pathetic

Stay strong - he is just following the script that all weak pathetic cheaters follow - the feeling unwell, suicide threats etc will be followed by him looking hangdog and saying he's having a mental breakdown

Be calm and detached.

Try this site OP. It is a bit americanised but I found it very useful in the early days after the discovery of my DH's affair when I was searching for answers and how to proceed. Also "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass was invaluable to me too.

Get yourself some legal advice too - you don't have to act on it but it makes you feel much more in control when everything in your life is spinning out of control IYSWIM.

Good luck - you don't have to make any life changing decisions atm.

expect him to do a bit of smashing up of the house too

a fist through a couple of doors, maybe

he has to show you how strongly and badly he is feeling, you see

OP, I thought I had already commented on your thread, but I haven't, so sorry for just jumping in at this point

I am angry for you, and have nothing but contempt for people who make it all about them

He's been having a full affair with this attached woman and when the shit hit the fan and you found the secret phone, she either dumped him like a hot potato or they agreed a containment strategy, hence her snarly text.

He's being manipulative now by trying to make you feel guilty for his choices.

All the while he is still lying to you, he loses his right to engage.

And the bad news is that having a second phone is a sign of someone who's practised in deceit, so this might not be the first affair. It probably isn't hers either, so it's possible she introduced him to the 'tricks and tools' of a cheat, but one of the reasons he's lying is because there is far worse to discover.

He must go and you must disengage completely.

He has the staring into space down to a fine art, hasn't stumbled yet.

he will

just a little lost footing 'cos he's vulnerable, see

you have hurt him and he is very fragile

oh ...