Advice please if anyone's up

[losttheflickumdickumagain]

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

Actually reading that again, you are right charbon, if I take them on my own it would be harder to do all the things they like doing. That's why I'm letting him still come. Ds1 has done nothing but talk about going swimming this weekend, and I can't take 3 of them in the pool on my own. With more notice I would have arranged for someone else to come with me.

So yes, maybe I'm wrong, but just for this weekend I want them to have both parents there, and make the most out of it.

That's honest of you and it's understandable, as long as you are absolutely sure that you've given up on him and have no hope or even desire for him to change.

Is there really no-one who could step in, in exchange for a free weekend away? Or someone you've met at the caravan site who would be happy to help you keep an eye on them in the pool? You'd do that for someone wouldn't you?

Try and find ways to go without him, please.

Lost

this really isnt good. Please read back your thread from the start.

He has put you through hell in order not to have to admit to what has been up to.

And now you see he is still up to it.

I worry that you are actually acclimatising to this drama. I can remember that Charbon said to me in my thread that maybe I was codependent on my h, or I wouldnt put up with it. I t made me think, and she was right. I am very far less so now, and it has been a hell of alot of work and thinking about my own motivations and background, and why I chose a h who needed to be 'fixed'.

I think you may be in a similar position. Your h has done nothing really to reassure you, he has behaved like a total shit, and he still is. Hiding phones in his sock and being secretive after you have found out?

This is a man who loves himself most of all, and may always.

And he is violent, even if you do feel safe.

And his whole attitude has been utterly childish.

And the key thing, Lost, is this:

He is carrying on with the OW because he can.

He knows you have not given up on him, and he senses really that after whatever size of battle, now or in the future, he will get away with it. So, from his selfish point of view, why not?

Do you know I actually feel different today. I think it's because I'm past trying to fix things. I know I'm seeing the solicitor and I don't care if I'm left with nothing. Mum and dad will help me if they can. I think we'll be okay.

And I definately function better with him not here, I've eaten today and everything!

About the holiday - I remember a similar trip when I was about six, I think.

My parents didn't split up. I think there had been an affair, I know more now, but only bits - tbh I don't really care about their dramas any more, long story.

Anyway - my point is, I remember that holiday - funnily enough a few days in a caravan! - with absolute clarity. It was horrible. It was clear that something was going on, the atmosphere was utterly strange, tension in the air constantly. I can't really explain it because at the time I of course didn't know that they were at each others' throats and that things were at breaking point. But I just remember the strangeness of it all - not talking properly, obviously upset people but pretending everything was ok. I had nightmares about being back at that caravan intermittently for years afterwards. The only other events I remember really clearly from that early period was a (minor) car crash and the death of my mum's stepdad.

So obviously my advice would be not to go, and I would really caution against thinking that it is worse not to go because they miss out on a holiday.

Well Im glad you feel different Lost.

I did think he might just spill the beans as my h did, and that when he did he would start to change himself, and radically.

You know that thing where you leave someone and see afterwards how awful they were or why it was wrong etc?

Well, when a person stays in a relationship after behaving in this way, funnily enough they tend to think that about themselves, and would not hide phones etc.

It is amazing how he has taken such advantage. I bet you an see his suicide threats in a new light now, with a hidden phone in his sock the next week!

Please, do NOT give up your rights to finances etc. You are exhausted now, resigned, but may be still not that angry.

Believe me, when you do become angry, and you will, you would regret such a decision.

I mean they would change themselves in this way, but only if they are truly able to see themselves as others see them, take responsibility for the damage they have caused, and have a wider look at what kind of person they have become. And work like hell to make amends, and also to adopt some honest and fair principles, and with everyone, not just their wives.

He isnt going to do that, is he?

No he's not five. And trust me, I have given up on him. He's said he'll be a bit late home, I'm presuming it's because of her. After all, he'll be away for a long weekend. But it's not even bothering me, it's not like his hands are going near me again. I'm only bothered if he's really late, because the kids are going to be waiting for off.

I'm not saying it doesn't hurt. But at the end of the day that's what he's doing and I've accepted that. I'm not trying to change it any more.

He's sent me a couple of texts today asking for one last chance. He's never done that. Too little, far too late.

It seems a sensible decision.

The trouble, is, I had enough of a shock realising how much I had been lied to after 5 years of denial.

But when I decided I knew, he did at least admit it at Relate, and god was he embarrassed. And he got alot out of relate and really has changed alot. And even now, I worry I made a mistake, as the trust has been so damaged. I think part of the reason he didnt tell me was that he said he knew what he was doing was 'pathetic' and tacky, so there was a big shame and embarrassment factor. (lets be honest, though, he must also have been a self entitled prick at the time, and he better hadnt be again!)

I think yours went one step further. He saw someone face to face and it went on for a long time. Even after you found out, he colluded with her and actually drove you half insane. And then he was still doing it, hiding it from you in the most pathetic way, and violently assaulting you for not backing off. I know that sounds hard, and he may not have caused you real harm, but it is true, all the same , isnt it? And all so he could a) save face and b) carry on!

Quite frankly, how could you ever believe a word out of his mouth again?

Ahh Lost my lovely, I too spent a long time hoping my H would come to his senses (5 months). It is so hard to accept it is over. But he really isn?t the man you fell in love with now and you have to let go and move on for good. Think I linked my original thread below somewhere but honestly it was mn that helped me to come to my senses. Interestingly my H had a porn addiction that I only discovered when the affair came out. You at least have hard evidence that everything he?s said is a crock of shit. I only had suspicions. This can bring closure now. I haven?t followed your thread from the start but you have some great advice here. You CAN do this. I still think the caravan break is a bad idea though. As the feelings come in waves, some days you are ok and others you just aren?t.

I need to dash and cook tea but I just wanted to add a small post.

So are you going with him?

I do wish you wouldnt, but there it is.

If the kids are waiting to leave, and he is planning on being late home to see OW, then there is no end to his pure c*ishness.

There, I have never used that word, and wouldnt in RL!

Lost, maybe you have already gone by now for your Holiday from Hell

but have a think about this

come the summer holidays, are you still going to be trying to make it nice for the dc's and give them "one last stable family holiday" ?

then Xmas coming...wouldn't want to spoil Xmas for the dc's...

etc

before you know it, you have lived like this for months, knowing what a shit husband he is. You will stop noticing soon. I can't think of anything worse for you.

I haven't gone yet, and I know this isn't a stable holiday. I'm still going, but I'm not going to lie, as today's gone on, my tummy is going more and more. The dc's want daddy to come. I'm going to ask him to follow in the van, then he can leave if needs be.

Lost darling - you've made the decision to go so I'm not going to go there but please do me a personal favour? Keep your phone on you at all times. Take your charger ( or buy one of those battery chargers en route). If he gets nasty dial 999 and keep your finger over that call button unless he drives off. Don't hesitate to press it.

As for the emotional blackmail - detach detach detach. No heavy conversations. Take DD and head off for a coffee if you need to. I'll thinking of you x

Bless you prue. We haven't gone yet. He got back from work late, and by the time we got there and got sorted, it would be too late for the bairns. So we're going in the morning. The children are all excited, they were upset at not going tonight, so I've promised we'll go as soon as they get up. They're going to travel in their pyjamas and were getting a McDonald's breakfast on the way, which they think is hugely exciting as they've never had one (hope they're not disappointed).

I'd calmed down by the time he got home, not sure if it was the quarter of a bottle of rescue remedy i had, or the bottle of beer I put it in! Classy I know, but at the time it seemed like a good idea.

I think we'll be fine, any sort of conflict starts arising and i'll do as you suggest prue and take myself and probably the bairns off for a play in the park or on the machines if it's raining. He has had plenty of warnings from me for best behaviour, the walls are too thin there. I honestly don't think he'll kick off there, he knows I'm only letting him come for the dc's, and they're all that matters this weekend.

We'll be fine, we'll wait till we get home to throttle each other (if I haven't pushed him off that cliff!).

Or he's pushed you off a cliff...

I wouldn't put anything past this man.

Right, you'll be pleased to know I've been tested tonight. I've had tears, begging and some truth (it's been going on 3 years etc). And none of it is making a teeny tiny bit of difference to me.

If he'd had a huge emotional/physical affair for years, been found out, and come clean, I'd have tried to work on it. This last five weeks are unforgivable.

I'm glad yesterday happened with the phone, I needed that.

3 years? He's been having it off with an ow during the time that you've conceived and given birth to 1 or 2 of his dc?

Is he claiming to have seen the light, he's been all kinds of fool, doesn't know why he did it, it's over with the ow, didn't mean anything anyway, you're the only one he loves, never do it again, just one more chance, blah de fucking blah?

Why did his previous marriage end and does he have dc from that relationshp?

3.5 years I've worked out, I was pregnant with dc2. No, he's adamant it was just a friendship, no meet ups, nothing.

He was married for 17 years, they got married because she was pregnant, he was in the air force so he says he had to get married. He says he never loved her though, only stayed because of his dd. She's 27/8 now.