Advice please if anyone's up

[losttheflickumdickumagain]

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

Stayed in the shed

I seem to recall we twigged early on that he's a pisspoor frustrated thespian.

Can't he move into the shed? Stock him up with a few cans of baked beans, a little primus stove and a bucket?

You've gotta larf... it might be hollow laughter but ffs this man takes the big time.

Where does he get off? Lies are all he knows and I doubt that he'd recognise the truth any more.

It's not just the lies he's told you, and continues to tell you - it's the lies he tells himself to justify his lies.

O what a tangled web, eh?

Lost, I am so sorry to hear that you have had further confirmation of his betrayal. :( I have been away from MN for a while, so am only just catching up now.

1. I know you don't want to involve the police, but seriously, if he is getting you by the throat again, you need some security around you of some sort. Is there anyone you can call?
2. did the rescue remedy help you at all? Obv. won't fix any of this, but I find it helps me to get a calm thought in every so often.
3. you and the dcs will survive financially without him, despite how you feel now. Get some good advice (CAB/lawyers etc) and make a plan.
4. You say there are debts- are they in his name or shared? Do you have a record of where he is spending the money? Worth checking out, esp. with OW situation.

Good luck- and I think the dhed sounds a great place to keep him in the meantime :)

That's what I think izzy, I think he's lying to himself. He hates these sort of men, I don't think he'd ever admit he is one.

dhed= shed

Did you tell Relate about his violence? I'm guessing not because there is no way that they would be offering joint counselling where one party is physcially or emotionally abusive.

This man is congenitally incapable of telling the truth. He's already done a number on the counsellor and he'll use the sessions to convince you that black is white.

What a fucking despicable piece of work he is.

As he's not going to man up anytime soon, you're going to have to. It won't be a piece of cake, but you WILL get through this, honey - and be better for it.

Don't worry about the fantasies - they're a healthy reaction to the shocks you've sustained and the continuing stress you've been under since you made your intitial discovery. But, no matter how tempting it may be, please don't act on them 'cos, you're far too valuable to be lost to the dark.

You dropped off your thread for a couple of weeks during which time he was well on his way to convincing you that you were over-reacting...

Please don't go away again, honey. Before you can give any rational thought to whether you have a future with this man, you need to get to the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth - and you're not going to be able to get the truth out of him without the help of savvy women who've been through it and come out the other side.

Later today tell him that he has to go stay in the caravan or on a mate's floor for at least a month so that you can get your head together and keep up some semblance of stabillity for your dc.

Make it clear to him that if he so much as lifts a finger towards you again, you'll call the police and file for divorce.

Tell him that you won't be going to Relate or anywhere with him unless and until he makes a full and frank disclosure with dates of all of his extra-marital activities including porn sites visited, dating sites joined, lies told, and names of the women he's shagged - and come back here with whatever he tells you before you place any credence on it.

And make an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law, and who offers a free half an hour consultation, so that you can find out what your legal entitlements will be should you decide that it's not worth continuing to live with a liar.

Thank you for helping me through this. I feel pathetic and don't know how I'll manage without shaking up three little lives.

I did tell relate about him getting aggressive and what he did in front of ds2.

Izzy, why are you awake at this time? Do you live abroad like bundles? Or just an insomniac?

Phew, what a saga! Just read the thread in one hit, although forgive me, but I focused on OP's posts and skimmed the rest.

lost you are being incredibly strong.

Right, so: He has still not admitted to an actual physical affair, and she has not said anything that gives you proof of one. Is it possible it was an emotional affair? (not that that is necessarily any better but they do happen, and it makes it easier to look someone in the eye and say 'I have not been unfaithful' on a technicality.)

Is it possible he has just been having a slightly obsessive fantasy crush on this woman? Is it possible he really has not met up with her in 14 months? Obviously the fact that he was using a separate hidden phone for this 'friendship' means he knew he was compromising his marriage, but it is possible that he has not actually had an affair, and if not, then after 14 months I guess he was pretty unlikely to start. Perhaps he was just getting off on the thrill of the secrecy and the 'harmless' flirting? Again, not that that is fine - it isn't, but it is important to know, I think.

You have her name, and her son's name - is there any way you can try to find her so you can confront her? If it was just a texting friendship that got out of hand she must be terrified her H will find out, but at least you might get some answers from her. If they match up with his at least you know what you are dealing with.

If there is more to it than he is currently admitting, or if there isn't, but he is just obsessed with her, then he will try to see her, even if she has panicked and run for the hills. Perhaps you should try to follow him for a bit - especially if his job is van-based, he will have plenty of opportunity to drive to see her during a working day. Private detective?

I am not suggesting that if it was just 'friendship' you should save your marriage, necessarily, he has still been lying to you after all, but personally I would really need to know exactly what I was dealing with once and for all before I could make a decision about whether or not it was worth saving.

Just wanted to add my support to you OP. It sounds hellish. I think you're amazing and strong.

Hillywally. He's had her by the throat twice, once in front of the kids.... Did you miss that bit?

The dark thoughts and anxiety are completely normal. Izzy's advice is spot on.

My ExH got us neck deep in debt and lost his job. I ended up in the lone parents dept at the job centre applying for income support. You do make ends meet, it's a struggle but you can and do manage. These bastards cost the government millions. But the system is there and they will help you back into work again, when your youngest child is 5.

Go and see the solicitor asap.

Thank you everyone. Cancelled relate this morning. I know this probably sounds stupid, but the kids have been looking forward to going away at Easter, so I've said we'll still go, I can be civil to him. Then I'm going to citizens advice when we get back. There is not a chance in hell he can talk me round from this. He knows the difference too, he's walking around in a right state. I'm not buying it, and I don't care.

Are you sure about this? It's like a scab on a wound and you'll think you're ok and then he'll knock it off and you'll bleed again iyswim? He will press your buttons and there will be flair ups whilst away. Could you take the kids and go without him?

I thought about that, but they haven't been to the caravan since it opened again, and it's all they talk about. It'll throw them if we don't all go. I'm sure I'll be okay. He knows we're done, there's nothing for us to talk about except the children,
I want them to have a last little family holiday before they're thrown into all this .

The only thing I can see him doing really, and I'm expecting it, is to focus on how important being together is for the children, and how much they need 'us'. But I'm prepared for that sort of guilt trip,

She must have no intention of leaving her marriage if my h is so adamant to stay. Give them a little while, they'll probably be living together .

Kids aren't daft they will see there is a problem. They will pick up on it. Will it be a last nice little holiday for them?

What they need is stability and a place of peace, not a torrent of emotions they do not understand from both parents and a funny atmosphere.

I know that sounds very harsh. This is your decision entirely but what brought my two kids peace was living for a month with my father in law, that was the best decision I made, not pretending to play happy families. Everyone is different but it was a lovely month for them and me. What would work for you is different of course. But if this is what you want and you're sure, then do it.

I'm concerned about you going away with him.

You may have cancelled Relate but you're giving him the message that it's fine for him to react violently when you uncover yet another of his endless lies, and that you're prepared to reward his behaviour by carrying on as if nothing has happened.

As for him 'knowing the difference' - the only difference he knows is that he's going to have to come up with another pack of lies to explain the packs he's already told.

As for the other woman, or women, it's more than enough that he's demeaned you in every way and I don't see any reason why you should demean yourself trying to find out about her/them. In any event, the truth always wills out.

You say he's not good with money. How much of that is to do with him spending family money on himself and his 'hobbies'?

Forget the CAB - not all of their legal workers/volunteers specialise in family law. You'll get sound advice from the legal board and a mumsnetter who is a divorce lawyer may practice in your area.

Please don't think that consulting a divorce lawyer means that you have to get divorced. You won't be rushed into anything or be required to make instant decisions about your longer term future.

Knowing that you're going to see a solicitor might shock the truth out of the twunt but, as you said he was married before, it could be it's simply a case of history repeating itself for him.

Hi Lost,

its the usual saga, isnt it? Denial, lies, violence (when he thinks he has lost power), then sorrow and trying to make you pity him afterwards.

It is the hard cop, soft cop technique and that is why it is so hard.

I truly believe that you should not go on this holiday, it will undo so much, and you will be back where you started. You can see yourself that you are vulnerable to being partly won over, and he has given you nothing that you need so far of his own free will.

It will not help the kids- if you are convinced it will, take your mum instrad or go on your own, or have a different trip and make it sound fun to them.

He is credible and believable, and the reason you let him do this is because you see sense and see that he does not calculate each step on purpose, he is in pain himself, so you feel sorry for him.

But he is the cause of your pain, isnt he? Only he can take responsibility for his, and he will not- he is an ostich. And he wont whilst with you, like this.

Take control of your life and deal with your own pain, and its causes- him and his behaviour.

You cannot change him, and trying to control him (which wont work anyway) will not bring you relief.

That is the way to look at it, in the interests of the kids. (by which I mean, by the way, the under 16 variety, not him!)

Could you be with the children at different times during the holiday?
Or just one of you go?

I don't think the tense atmosphere will be good for the children.

Given his recent violent behaviour (including not letting you take the car), I wouldn't be able to share a house, let alone a caravan.

I know you don't want to involve the police at this stage, but please do if he is in any way violent again. Otherwise he will just escalate. :(
If nothing else, you will have evidence to be able to legally kick him out of the house.

Sorry, crappy day. He's stayed home because of the weather and is working on ds2's bedroom.

He's being cold and arsey now. He keeps breaking my heart over and over again.

I know I need to strengthen up, but last night has really knocked the wind out of me.