Advice please if anyone's up

[losttheflickumdickumagain]

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

I'm a complete idiot, I really was starting to believe him. I could bloody batter myself. Thank god I still kept looking for stuff. Feel like miss marple.

Surely the latest revelations should be the final nail in the coffin.

He has been caught out AGAIN.

No more OP, you have done all you could and you at least were prepared to hear him out at counselling but he has lied AGAIN.

I am so sorry, l suggest legal advice ASAP.

you deserve so much better.

I'm sorry to read about your fresh pain, but let there be no more faith in him or persuading yourself to believe the unbelievable.

It's significant that he won't leave and give you some space. Someone who was truly sorry and loved you would do that. He'd recognise it as the ethical and fair thing to do and that it is deeply inappropriate to enact occupation rights.

Time I think to recall the violence and frightening temper eruptions so that you can get him out of the house if he won't leave of his own volition.

And whatever you do from this point on, make no more empty threats. Follow through on everything you need to do and stand firm. He has lied and lied to you, partly to save his own skin and partly to save the OW's. I hope you are no longer in any doubt that this was a physical affair that was in both of their interests to deny and continue to conceal from their partners.

I just can't understand how he can be so cold. I really think in his own stupid way he loves me, but how in earth could he justify this. I only asked for the truth. I didn't think I'd really get it, but to know he's carried on, when his family's falling apart . Honestly, I could honestly kill him for putting us all through this.

Actually, scrap that. I don't think he knows what love is

Hey, Lost, hang in there we are all here for you. I've been following your thread. You have had good advice. I believe that since he doesn't appear to be completely forthcoming you should try talking to OW. Even if she's not agreeable you may get a sixth sense about stuff or she may slip up. Check the laptop again-advanced history. Make it searingly clear to him. Truth and or meeting with OW or divorce. Maybe threaten OW with telling her husband. Time to play them at their own game. Being reasonable hasn't worked. Good luck, keep posting. We are here for you.

Oh lost, I'm so sorry.

I've tried talking to her. But there's no point anyway now. He's still lying. While there was still a sliver of hope for us things didn't seem completely hopeless. Now I feel like I can't breath. It's that weekend all over again .

And I'm petrified me and the kids are going to be penniless/ lose the house. We have no savings, we've been living from one pay day to the next, and we've ended up owing so much money out. (he's not been too good with money)

He's stopped talking now. He's probably just figuring out all he's got to do now .

I'm petrified .

Sorry, I know how pathetic I sound.

He even got me by the throat earlier when I was telling him to get out or I would.

One thing you have never sounded, and certainly don't sound now, is pathetic, honey.

Unfortunately, the same can't be said for him.

Does he not not realise that his only option, his only hope of saving his marriage to you, is to come clean and tell you the plain, unvarnished, truth?

Omigod. Here we go again. It's Groundhog Day. Everytime he gets found out, caught in more lies that he's told, he goes for you.

Where is he now? You do know that you can call the police, tell them that you are in fear of him attacking you again, and ask them to remove him from the house?

He's asleep on the settee. I don't want to involve the police, not with the bairns.

He can go stay in the caravan or kip in the back of his van, but one thing's for sure - he has to man up, do the decent thing, and give you space to work out whether you want to stay married to a congenital liar who resorts to violence when his lies are exposed.

Did you get to the CAB?

No, she phoned me and sent me some leaflets. I suppose I've been stupid and buried my head hoping everything's going to be okay.

He's never going to stop lying. I don't understand why.

I suppose I can cancel relate in the morning

I know this sounds awful, and I would never act on them do please don't judge me, but while all this has been going on I've had some horrible dark selfish thoughts. Just to make all the pain stop, but I'd never ever do that to the children. But I can't believe that I've let him do this to me .

All he's figuring out is how to tell more lies to minimise the ones that you've discovered and to prevent you finding out the full extent of his duplicity.

He's had, and may still be having, a full-on physical affair but it's debatable as to whether the affair has been with a Mrs AMEC.

For all we know, she could be a figment of his imagination - the 50yr old ow he dreamt up in the belief that you wouldn't feel quite so threatened if you thought he was having it off with an older married woman.

Sorry to heap yet more bad news on you, but you do need to get yourself checked for sti's.

The messages he tried sending from his laptop the Monday morning were bloody jovial! He'd left me kneeling over the toilet throwing up 1.5 hours earlier!

There is no point in going to Relate; joint counselling isn't recommended when one party is emotionally or physcially abusive.

He'll be begging you to go in the morning; there'll be more crocodile tears, more lies, more false promises.

Harden your heart and tell him no way, Jose.

He said he's not going anyway. I asked if we still should, because I'm not sure if they can help if you're splitting. He said if that's the case I can go on my own.

He's finished trying to talk now anyway.

He wouldn't talk at all after the big blow up last night, he stated I'm the shed crying, then curled up in the settee in the kitchen with the cover over his head.