Lost, I know there are similarities, which is why I have focussed on your thread.
Here is my 3rd January paragraph:
?I feel really stuck, but my h says it is a leap of faith which he cannot help me with, other than to be honest in future and to tell me everything he can remember> he seems not to be able to remember a fair bit, but he says that is because all the conversations were the same, and he cant remember individuals, even those with whom he had a number of conversations.?
No, I still feel a bit like this.
What I said then about his post infidelity behaviour has remained true- he is a very different man to live with, and it must continue to be alot of hard work for him, although he says it isn?t.
Eg he takes me alot into account, he tells me is was a truly shit father and ignored them alot, which was true, and he isn?t now.
He is loving towards me, and considerate. He comes to bed with me, when he didn?t often before. He is working like a dog, and fitting all this in too. He is not prioritising his own wants and interests. He is acknowledging and complimenting my contribution.
Etc etc.
But I still believe he is holding details back. He still is vague and cant remember the nitty gritty that much, he says.
Now, we are three months on, exactly, aren?t we?
So where does that leave me?
Well, I regret not kicking him out until I had the full story, as I think I may have qot it more quickly and saved myself alot of pain.
I don?t want to do that now and unravel all the progress we have/he has made.
But as I say, it is NOT the easy option, it just felt like it might be at the time.
The real difference now is that I have stopped obsessing about him and reading books on infidelity, sexual obsession, and god knows what else.
I have started to focus on myself, which is alot more healthy.
I have used the painful thread I had on 23 January to look at the issues in myself about how we got here, and started to look at my part in it.
I realised that I must have had, did have, some co dependent tendencies, always trying to fix him and his issues. I am looking at why that is, and addressing myself to stop that. I am no longer taking actions which help enable him to evade the consequences of his own behaviour. For example, if we discuss things, and he ever gets defensive or a bit irritated, I don?t back off, and I point out to him what he is doing. Not that he is doing alot of it.
I am reading a book on exploitative relationships and considering the elements of that which have affected me.
Another way of looking at it is this- it is sometimes said that every person has in themselves an adult, a parent and a child.
In our relationship, he was the child and I was the parent over many things.
Now we both have to be adults, as it is healthier, and the other parts are damaging to the relationship (other than, say, when an immediate crisis occurs over a death in the family, say, or similar).
So that is what I am focussing on.
I have also worked in other ways to put myself in a position where I could be financially independent of him if I needed to be, and in any case I have always known from previous relationships that I can actually cope if I have to live alone one day, not that I would prefer it.
If there are other details, they will come out, I have decided. He can work on himself or not, in order to be able to provide that. I think I am worth it.
And if he leaves it too long to work on himself to provide them, he will have to face the consequences.
Am away now till tomorrow night, but will be back.