Advice please if anyone's up

[losttheflickumdickumagain]

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

I think it's partly because I'm feeling like I'm crap for them at the minute too. I keep getting grumpy and snappy. I didn't get any sleep at all last night either, ds2 wasn't settling.

All the more reason why you should go easy on yourself, honey.

Let the lying lowdown twunt who's fucked your head up with his selfish, self-centred, antics hold the fort over the weekend while you get yourself out alone for some much needed retail therapy r&r.

Hello Lost. I have just been reading through your thread and trying to catch up. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I made a similar kind of discovery about 18 months ago but the aftermath was different.

I wasn't going to post as you seem to be getting such great support already but I was really shocked to read your last few posts!

Please, please don't think that the best thing would be for you to leave. You sound like you are a wonderful Mummy with wonderful children. They need you and you need them. x

Just wanted to say OP your children need you more than anything else in the whole wide world and don't you forget it! Take care xxx

Have you thought about talking to the GP? How are you sleeping when the DCs aren't poorly? Can you get some sleep today at all, if they nap or ask someone to watch them?

Everything seems far worse when tired. Things will get better. One step at a time x

Being snappy doesn't make you a bad Mum. Giving them convenience food doesn't make you a bad Mum.

How much better would the twunt have done on the little sleep you have had, dealing with sickness and added stress. Would he really be all sweetness and light, and out doing Delia? Or do you think he'd cope better because he only steps in when you've done a day and night of nursing the sick etc.?

Have you had legal advice yet? Get some, you may not have to leave the home with the kids. Anyway in the long term having a loving Mum who is there for you (which is what you didn't have) is what is important.

If I was a kid and had a choice of a mum that gets snappy now and again or a dad who lies for convenience and messes with people's heads rather than deal with things honestly, I know where I would rather be.

Even if you are being tetchy and feeding them non stop MacDonalds, you are still a much better role model and give your children a much better example of how to be a good adult.

Stuff what 'ought' to be, just keep going, however shakily, because your kids can rely on you. They can't rely on him. You are doing better than I do on no sleep.

Thank you.

Realistically, (and after a few hours sleep), I know I couldn't leave them in a million years. I was just getting myself worked up yesterday, trying to think of all the different ways round this. I know I have a lot of faults, but no, I'm not my mum. Sometimes I just think I'm overly emotional, and I don't want it to run off on them. Ds1 is too much like me and very sensitive.

I haven't had any legal advice yet, the dc's being poorly has taken over a bit this week.
A lovely lady from here has offered to advise me if she can, which I really appreciate. I'm just not sure where to start!

Thank you again. I must sound like a deranged lunatic half the time on here. I'm not, honest! .

Lost - you sound really lovely, and normal for lack of sleep on top of a vicious bombshell. Actually, I think you are doing really well, all things considered.

Wishing you all the luck in the world.

You do not sound deranged! You're doing a great job, in difficult circumstances and this is a safe place to share how you feel. If you kept it all in inside you'd burst. And the out burst probably would end up being at the children.

I didn't post on mumsnet about my relationship, until 5 months after separation! You've made a far better decision than I did at the time. Keep talking x

Lost

Of course it wouldnt be better.

I think all the talking with him is exhausting you. I are doing it in the hope that more of the same strategy will get you better results. It didnt for me, I suspect it wont for you either.

I think you will relax more mentally if you can make yourself lean on friends who reach out to you, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and it happens to many people. And also trying to process all this guff he is spinning is messing with your head.

Also, I remember that feeling of things 'falling in to place', it is part of the process, and even now I remember something about the past and see it differently from before.

You are doing it, not I !

Oh really, you dont! You should have seen our threads on the past!

You sound quite rational to me, and actually quite strong.

You don't sound deranged at all but you do sound exhausted. If you get any offers of help with children, housework etc from friends take it.

As far as your relationship goes, I don't think you can make much progress unless your h starts being honest with you. He needs to understand that you are grieving for the honest marriage you thought you had and that you can't begin to get over it until you know exactly what it is you are trying to get over. Does that make any sense?

My h's affair was all carried out via text with a woman he had met once (I know some on here would say that's not an affair). I am pretty certain that had he not been honest with me from the moment I confronted him we would not be together now.

I understand that you didn't really mean you would leave him with your children. I understand the despair you must be feeling and that on top of exhaustion will make you feel like you are going mad, but trust me, you're not mad. You are just human, and a lovely sounding one at that...

Thank you so much . Feeling more together today (don't know how long it'll last). I think it's helped that I've actually managed to stop myself sending him stupid texts when I've thought of something (killed me though, I've had to tell myself to step away from the phone ). And I've not said anything when he's come home either. I've decided there's no point. We can talk about it at relate.

And this afternoon, ds2 was all cuddly and playful, and I was messing about with him while I was going over stuff in my head, then I had a great big word with myself, and put it out of my head while I enjoyed ds. I know that probably sounds daft, but it made a huge difference actually not letting myself think about it for a while. I felt like ds was actually getting proper attention instead of the distracted me he's been getting lately.

Wittering again I know .

And I've made an appointment at the citizens advice. It's local though, so I can't get in for two weeks, they are phoning me on Monday though to see if they can advise over the phone.

I'm trying.

lost, you are moving on

it won't feel like it yet, but you are

Hi Lost- sounds like you are putting some long hours into worrying, which is of course incredibly normal (with or without a FLAT)
I know it might sound a bit simplistic, but honestly, most things are worse/more difficult/more stressful in your head than they are in reality, so while it might seem like small things to you, getting to relate/citizen's advice/legal advice will help it stop being so huge and insurmountable.

You're doing great- and please keep talking here- doesn't seem wittery to me (though maybe that's because I can witter with the best!)

Is it normal to feel like you're going round in circles and getting nowhere? That's all I feel at the minute .

Completely normal, honey. Gradually the circles get wider and the straight path appears as if from nowhere.

Never fear, you'll get there...

We've been to two relate sessions, and to be honest they've gone pretty much as I expected.

Absolutely nothing's changed. He's trying very hard, but it all boils down to if I believe it was just a friendship or not. A part of me actually believes him, because I don't think he'd be daft enough to risk our family, and I also can't imagine him touching anyone else, but I don't know if I'm just being stupidly naive.

At the end if the day, it's going to boil down to if I can live with the uncertainty isn't it?

Lost, if you dont believe him, you dont.

Mine lied at 3 relate sessions and then another 5 days.

I simply would not back down, whilst working on the other issues. The counsellor finally said he was confused about what IO wanted, and I agreed that I wanted the truth on that issue, and didnt think I had it, and after years too.

That weekend (the sessions were tuesdays) he finally told me, trying 2 other softer versions first. He knew I would leave him otherwise, and actually said so afterwards. He also admitted that he had thought he could use relate to save the relationship and for us to change, without having to admit the past. Which I didnt like at all, as it showed he didnt think honesty about the past was so important, and in the weeks after Relate I had to make it clear I did, and that it was a deal breaker.

But, excuse language, but fuck knows whether I ever got it!

(But he wont get any general shitty or irresponsible behavious or lying past me now, and more fool him if thats what he thinks is Ok. Think we are Ok so far, though).

Great to hear from you.

Listen to your instincts - what are your gut feelings telling you?

Cheaters often lie, deny and minimise esp when they can't face up to their own guilt.

No one imagine their life partner, soulmate and best friend shagging another woman/man and risking everything they've worked hard for but that has happened to so many people on here (including me). This is why its much easier to believe your H rather than your own instincts.

Why do they do it though five? Why lie and lie and lie when they can see what lying does? I honestly believe the dozy sod loves me and wants us to stay together. But he's got a bloody funny way if showing it!

This is why I like dogs, you know where you are with them .

Mad, my gut instinct is that he's telling the truth. Knowing how we both are, he knew I wouldn't like a woman texting him, and the things he's told me do all add up. He still knows it was all wrong, and he takes full responsibility for all this, especially the way he behaved that first weekend.

But I'll never get rid if that little niggle will I?

Put it this way; if he had any respect for you or any regard for your marriage, he would not have entered into an emotional, sexting, or full-blown physical affair with another women.

Despite anything he may say now he's been found out, your little niggle is telling you that you'll be a fool to believe a word he says.