Advice please if anyone's up

[losttheflickumdickumagain]

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

That's the only time I've done it prue. I can't bear people getting in my face/space, I really was trying to goad him after what he'd just done.

He said he's willing to do anything Lost - that means giving you what you need which is space and time to just breathe out. It took a while for my H to agree too because he felt he was giving up on "us" if he did. It was only when I took steps to end "us" that he gave me what I wanted (I had to pack his case mind you!).

You're right that you can never get your old relationship back. I couldn't and only recently did I realise I don't want to. During that time we were terrible parents and in between the constant making up were awful awful times when we said and did terrible things to each other. I'm not all the way along the journey yet - even now I can't see us growing old together. But we did manage to get it together enough to have a "co-parenting standoff" as AF puts it!

I'm gonna head to bed Lost 'cos DS2 has been waking intermittently all night and DS1 has recently taken to wondering the house at 5.30am! Hope your DD is a bit better and that you get a couple of hours peaceful kip x

Thank you prue. Goodnight x

Geez, things have moved on a lot since I last checked in. How are you feeling today Lost?
All the biggest mistakes ime are when you say 'yes' when you want to say 'no'.

I'm not suggesting that you're making any mistakes, just that you seem to have two different trains of thought going and it can be so confusing.

A bit of time alone to think and some sleep might help you consider what you want to do, rather than what you feel you should do. Getting your H out of your space seems fairly vital at this point.

The dv issues might seem like trifles you you, but perspective is a funny thing-if someone did the same to your mum/friend/dd you might see it differently.

Dear Lost, I've only just come to your thread and I'm truly sorry for you.

You said earlier that you H had said he would go to Relate. I would like to suggest you do this. Relate is NOT all about saving marriages, but how to move forward in the best interests of everyone. You can go separately and together.

I would like to suggest that it will be difficult to decide whether it over, until you can work out what lies he has/has not told. I understand that until you feel you have got the whole truth - you cannot judge him with certainty - and therefore cannot decide if he would deserve a second chance and if you would be able to do that. You actually need to grieve first for the loss of the person you thought he was.

If you go to Relate, I am sure they will emphasise that neither you nor your H can move on unless you have total honesty. It may be only then your H will give a full and honest account - only then can you decide what your next step is.

If nothing else, this is one decision you can make and hold on to. You will both go to relate, and move on from there. You can also see them separately and you would have someone in RL who has experience and can give the help you need.

I hope you don't think I'm butting in and I have read the thread pretty thoroughly and think you have had great support from all the OP's. Best of luck.

Thank you so much .

Better today, he's gone. I actually breathed a sigh of relief when he'd left. I've got a cleaning head on at the minute, then I'm going to have a lovely weekend with my beautiful children. (sleep may not be an option, dd was up all night, teething I think, and ds2 has a full blown cold which is affecting his asthma). But I've got them all to myself .

Igetcrazytoo, thank you, I agreed last night to go to relate. The way I see it now, is I've got nothing to lose. I have been honest with him, and said I don't think we'll work, but I'm prepared to at least try. He has got to make some changes though. We'll see.

Has he gone for a couple of days or longer?

He needs to learn that honesty is the best policy and that means being honest with himself as well as being honest with you.

Maybe a few sessions with Relate will help him understand that the fact that his marriage is on the rocks is a situation that is entirely of his own making.

You will benefit immeasurably from time on your own with your dc and I hope you have an enjoyable weekend with them.

He's gone for a few days.

He does know he's done all this, or at least he says he does. He keeps saying he'll have to live with the guilt forever (I feel for him!) Doesn't help me and the dc's though does it.

I know it sounds daft, but until I met him, I never understood that saying about loving someone, faults and all. I always wondered how people could love people's faults. Except them yes, but love them? (maybe it doesn't help that I had a couple of slightly psychotic ex's) then I met 'idiot', as I'm calling him in my head this weekend (I'm enjoying his new nickname, yes, I'm being childish), and I got it. But these new faults I definately don't love, I just need to know if I can except them and move on.

Sorry, I know I'm wittering. I honestly can't see us lasting at all. He knows that. I think I'm going to be like a dog with a bone (if that's the right expression). But I'll give it a go.

AF, you're right, I think deep down I knew I would all along. I am still clutching at straws. But I won't be daft again. I promise you that.

Thank you all for listening and being there for me. I would have been even more lost without you all during this.

I was just popping in to check on you. It's now 2 years ago for me since I was in your shoes. You are doing well. Keep posting, it does help

Hey, lost, you gotta do what you gotta do

and don't promise me anything, promise yourself you won't keep hanging on to something that isn't working for you

Just read my last wittery post, I meant accept them obviously .

Forget it, can't spell or punctuate properly!

Given all that he chose to put at risk by engaging in his underhanded and duplicitous behaviour, 'idiot' seems an appropriate name for him - albeit that, personally, I would have chosen something a tad stronger such as 'tosspot', 'twat', or 'fucking lying arsehole twunt' - the latter being shortened to 'flat' for verbal convenience

While the idiot is away I hope that you'll put him out of your mind and enjoy being with your dc because it's often the case that answers come to us when we're not thinking about the questions.

Have a good weekend, honey. You and your dc deserve a break from the unwelcome tension that has been caused by the idiot's presence in your home of late.

Izzy - FLAT is the new acronym for use on these threads!!!

I may send him a message telling him, see if he can work it out .

Been up all night with a poorly ds2 , flat asked if I needed him home. I don't .

As the first urge is to flatten them, 'flat' would seem to be an apt way of describing them in more ways than one

Sun's shining here in London and I'm sure even if it's peeing down it's bright and sunny for you today with the flat out of the way.

Enjoy yourself, honey - and maybe text to say that as he's not needed on board, he might as well bunk elsewhere until you've decided whether you've got hammock room for him.

Got myself into a ridiculous texting arguement with him . Ds1 is really missing him, and it's making me so bloody cross with him (h not ds). The idiot really didn't think this through when he started did he? I could murder him playing with their little lives like this.

Don't delude yourself, honey.

They think it through very carefully and only go ahead because they've concluded that they're far too clever to get caught and, if they do, 'it'll be alright' because they'll easily be able to talk their way out it.

You do know you're spoiling your weekend by engaging in any contact with him?

As for ds1, it's only to be expected that he'll temporarily miss his dad but it shouldn't be too hard to distract him.

I remember how angry I used to feel at my now ExH when the children used to cry as they missed him and especially when DD used to say "daddy gone, daddy lost" The feelings ease with time. I tried so hard to detach and not text him, but sometimes you do. I never felt better for it, when I did send him a message, as usually his reply made me feel worse.

There are some good books out there to read with them like "It's not your fault Koko bear" or "Mum and Dad glue" which can help a little. Sending very unmumsnetty ((hugs))

How's DS now, is he still poorly? Try and get an early night, sleep helps x

Oh teaandcake you made my tummy go thinking of your dd . Bloody men! I've come to the conclusion that my h is just a selfish bastard (see, I'm still fuming because I'm swearing), that just hid it well.

Thank you, I'll look for those books, I need all the help I can get.

I did end up going on Anti Depressants for a while actually. I didn't think I needed them, didn't like them either but there came a point where I realised I had a big problem; I couldn't sleep, never felt hungry, everything was like wading through treacle and I was so up and down with the children. I was on them for a year and the GP saw me every 8 weeks and then we came off them slowly at the end. They are brilliant if managed properly by the GP. I also had some counselling too. That helped immensely.

I went from this normal interesting person to this confused mixed bagged of emotions and all the while you are trying to be strong for your family. So do not be too hard on yourself. Of course you're angry and you have every right to be, You need to go through this anger stage to move on. Hitting a cushion with a baseball bat is a rather fabulous way to help Or similar

Hi Lost - just wanted to see how you were holding up after your weekend without him? It must have been hard on the one hand trying to deal with the DC yourself but nice on the other hand that you didn't have to deal with his sad sorry face! Presumably he's back by now so you're having to deal with those buggering rollercoaster emotional ups and downs again. Stay strong and just remember - even if you don't manage to withdraw all the time, that doesn't mean that you've failed. Just keep slogging away at withholding yourself even if it feels fake at first - eventually you will manage to find the time and space to try to work out what you want.

I wonder if he's thought anymore about honesty being the best policy? I suppose it's too much to ask if he used his time wisely and has come back with intentions of telling you the truth so that you both can start on a journey back together, if that's what he truly wants? I wish you well Lost x