Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please if anyone's up

705 replies

losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 05:31

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/03/2012 20:02

it was as bad as it sounds

unless you think your neck is less valuable, and more deserving of getting grabbed in a fit of temper, than anyone else's

if he had done that to someone else, he would be up on charges of common assault right now

ParanoidPrue · 08/03/2012 21:47

Gosh Lost - a lot's happened since I last posted and tbh my advice sounds very trite in comparison to what you're actually going through. The aggression is not good my lovely - I know it's not what you want to hear Sad

You want to handle this and fix it and find someway to bring back the man you fell in love with. But this is about so much more than "Did he, didn't he?". You're unhappy - he made you unhappy and now he's turning on you in order to force you to accept what he did and make it seem insignificant. Withdrawing is all well and good if you're dealing with your bog standard adulterer and his whining and emotional manipulation but it's a whole different ball-game if you're facing even the mere possibility of violence.

AF is right - you've minimised everything else about how you're feeling but don't minimise this - he put his hands on you. Even if you think you provoked his anger, even if you needled him over and over again to get to the truth. It doesn't matter. If he was innocent, the right thing to do would have been to walk away - not to hurt you in front of your precious children.

I'm not going to talk about this anymore because I can almost feel your pain. But you must get some outside RL help in - have you told your Mum about this incident? Your friends? Check out the womens aid website for some help or ask us, we're always here for you.

Quick aside to cheer you up - don't worry if have to name-change. I am the QUEEN of namechangers apart from my monumental cock up on your thread!! I can PM you a list of my previous names if you like so you can have a good laugh at how many times I've leant on MN for advice but not wanted to admit it was all about the same guy!

AnyFucker · 08/03/2012 22:21

PP, was the advice always consistent and true, out of interest ?

ParanoidPrue · 08/03/2012 22:57

I hope so AF I really do but I just worry that I was talking to Lost from the perspective of someone dealing with a person who was capable of emotional manipulation rather than physical violence.

Lost - I do think that some of the "techniques" I talked about, emotional withdrawal/showing anger etc. can be dangerous when dealing with someone who is physically aggressive. They can serve to provoke that situation and essentially put you in danger. My fear for you is that his aggression will increase if he feels he's not getting the response he wants/needs from you, particularly since he's not concerned about the children being an audience.

I'm not an expert in the dv field by any stretch of the imagination but I do feel that you're on the sharp end of his temper - his suicide threats, breaking the phone and even his refusal to accept after a fortnight that he did anything at all wrong are all setting off massive alarm bells in my head. I'd be happy to be proved wrong but I just want you to be safe.

AnyFucker · 08/03/2012 22:59

PP, that is good advice

ParanoidPrue · 08/03/2012 23:03

Thanks AF - I just wish we could give Lost a after her shitty shitty day and kick her fuckwit H up his arse!

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 08/03/2012 23:05

You're all being so lovely. But truly, don't worry about him being violent with me, honestly. We've been talking all night, dd is with me, she's not settling at all. I think she's teething. I know this sounds ridiculous, but there's a teeny tiny part of me that's starting to believe him. But, at the end of the day I know we're still over.

OP posts:
ParanoidPrue · 08/03/2012 23:11

Hey Lost - we virtually smoked you out Grin

Glad to hear you're doing okay. We're here (sort of!) if you need us x

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 08/03/2012 23:13

Oh crap, if I'm honest I'm starting to cave. Had a really bad night with ds2, and I'm wobbly. It's my fault, I've been the crappest mother in the world to tonight and I feel terrible.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/03/2012 23:17

lost, love, it's been clear you will cave from the beginning of this thread < said kindly >

don't feel you have to defend your husband to us any longer

if you want to stay with him, and believe what he says, that is your choice

ParanoidPrue · 08/03/2012 23:18

Don't beat yourself up Lost - you're not "caving" and you're not crap! Blimey - I could give you a run for the stakes of the crap mother award, believe me (three hours of non-stop telly anyone?!). You should lower your expectations of yourself and raise your expectations of him. You are allowed to veer between shocked to angry to loving to desperate as much as you like. You're the one who's been on the receiving end. Stop judging yourself woman!

AnyFucker · 08/03/2012 23:19

the "straws" you are clutching (your words) are enough for you at the moment

own that decision, and think about what you need from him

demand what you need, and take it from there

if you are demanding the appropriate stuff, you will know if you made a good decision or not

if you do itall on his terms, it will fall apart very quickly indeed Sad

ParanoidPrue · 08/03/2012 23:25

Agree with AF - don't let the focus be on the "cheating" and whether it happened or not. I know you have a desperate need to resolve that in your mind - but any answers will only allay your fears temporarily. What you need from him is more than reassurance - regardless of the future of your relationship. Assume you will never get the trust back but deal with the residual issues - his nastiness, his secrecy, his lack of communication. Have your aim as co-parents and maybe even friends rather than going back to this all-consuming love - it's not healthy and it's not necessary for you to have that if it's not going to make you happy in the long-run.

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 08/03/2012 23:26

Trust me pp, crap mother is an understatement tonight.

I don't know what I'm doing. I thought I was calm, and I lost it with my precious boysSad.

AF, why is it obvious I'd cave? Have I really sounded like I'm defending him?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/03/2012 23:28

no, not that you were defending him, but that you were going to overlook it

izzyizin · 08/03/2012 23:30

If you believe what he says, honey, that way madness lies but you may need to fnd out for yourself the true nature of this man, and there's no shame in that.

I share Prue's concern. As I've said, it seems to me that your h is a very angry man and being found out will further fuel his fire.
Please set my mind at partial rest by promising that if he so much as raises one finger to you, you'll call 999 and get the police to remove him from your home.

This is a man who I would not trust to hold a gun licence. He most probably doesn't have a shotgun but if he does, please take it to your nearest police station and appraise them of his recent behaviour towards you.

I hope this doesn't come across as being too alarmist but I feel I would be failing you if I didn't tell you that I'm hearing louder alarm bells than Prue.

ParanoidPrue · 08/03/2012 23:30

Oh Lost - it's crap isn't it when you get that red mist moment with your children when really the person you're angry with is H. I can identify with it because honestly I know that feeling so well but in my calmer moments, I know my children adore me and me them. I cuddle them and squeeze them til they protest and say sorry for shouting and they tell me I'm not so bad as I think I am! Honestly - be kinder to yourself. It will get better and easier x

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 08/03/2012 23:33

Don't think I can though, I've told him even if we try, this will poison us. I know 'we're' done, but Is there any point trying to salvage anything? He's willing to do anything he says. Think we'll just end up older and bitter myself.

I really want the dc's to have their dad here. But not the idiot that's been here the last two weeks.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/03/2012 23:40

"This idiot" is the measure of the man

If "we" are done, what is left ? A coparenting stand-off in the same house ?

You could do that without having to look at his stupid mug every day over the cereal

ParanoidPrue · 08/03/2012 23:40

So far as whether your marriage survives this - I truely don't believe you have to make that decision right now. But I do think you need some space - from him for many many reasons. If he's willing to do anything - is he willing to move out temporarily to give you a chance to breathe? You've had to deal with three kids whilst dodging his emotional blackmail and constant irritating presence. Your head must be totally fucked right now - the best thing would be for you to have some time to process, on your own with no constant begging/anger/suicidal thoughts. Is that possible at all Lost?

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 08/03/2012 23:43

Thank you pp Smile.

Izzy, he hasn't got a gun. Really, I know we've only had 2 or 3 really starting to shout rows in the 10 years we've been together, and I've backed down (he can really shout), but I'm not worried. Those times he did scare me a bit, but he's never raised a finger to me. When that happened on Sunday, he grabbed my collar and started to lift me by it, he did also sat he could smash my face in (lovely I know). But when I knee'd him and he let go, I really got in his face and goaded him (ds had gone to get toys), I wanted him to see I wasn't scared, and if he was going to hit me, I'm sure it would've been then. God, I'd've hit me then.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 08/03/2012 23:45

The 'idiot' is the man who's always been there under the mask and that realisation may be harder to deal with than his infidelity.

ParanoidPrue · 08/03/2012 23:49

I've done that Blush I mean shouted right in his face to get a reaction - it's as if we want them to actually do something really really wrong that we can pinpoint as a reason to leave him. It's not healthy though lovely - really it's not. It's not about whether its dv or not. Its about struggling to hold it all together for the sake of the children when really we're not doing them any favours.

It only got better for me when I got some space - I was becoming this awful angry bitter person and that anger was spilling out into my time with the kids, my job - everything. That's why I'm saying it might be good for you - if he's not around for a while. You can rediscover yourself as a mother, a woman without constantly defining yourself by your relationship to him.

izzyizin · 08/03/2012 23:56

When's he going off to sort out the caravan? Will he be gone for a few days?

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 09/03/2012 00:01

I've asked him to go tomorrow. He doesn't want to, but he will I think if I insist.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread