Advice please if anyone's up

[losttheflickumdickumagain]

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

Lost, I think you're doing great- he is obviously trying new ways (albeit insane) of getting your attention and trying to control you emotionally. I guess at least he's creative .

You said that you think you may know who the OW is- that is hard. You're right though, his lies are designed to protect himself and her. It's really hard to rebuild a relationship with someone who won't admit their own wrongdoing and then chooses to protect her over you and his family. I am glad that he's been a great dad, but you and your dc's deserve way more respect and consideration than he is showing you right now.

oh, and I am in NZ- sitting by the fire with howling winds and just had an earthquake which made me pick up dd2 and race for a doorway! dd1 sleeps through them (and we don't even live in Christchurch!) :)

Lost - does he know how much it costs to contest a divorce???? I know someone who spent over £10000 trying to divorce his wife for adultery - she denied denied denied. He then went for a 'no fault' divorce (irreconcilable differences) and it went straight through. SHe then admitted adultery....

And you can get a divorce after 5 years separation, with or without his consent.

Fuck fuck fuck. I've texted him, saying its over. He's said he's got nothing left, bye, and switched his phone iff

I just wanted to send you some love, not really in a place to give you any advice.Have been in a similar place of discovery, although a little further along. Everyones situation is different but there seems to be a script played out by cheating partners, so forewarned is forearmed is all I can say.

I know all to well what you will be feeling right now. Sit tight be strong and call on family and friends if you can. He is playing games and wants you to worry. I am only playing catch up myself, you sound strong. Just so you know you are not alone.

I know someone will come along to advice for you. Im a novice! Just wanted to send some support
.

If you are seriously worried phone the police, but make it clear to them they are not to bring him to you if they do look for/find him but take him to a hospital.
But he is probably just trying to wind you up, so try to forget about that awful text and get on with life.

I'm so sorry for the panicky post.

He's fine.

I wasn't sending him funny texts or anything. He's still starting to shout at home, even when the children are in bed. So this morning I sent him a text saying that there's no use pretending this is fixable, it isn't. We are over. But I want things to be as amicable as possible for the children, so if he wants, we can go and see a solicitor together. Then he started sending texts saying why am I doing this, he loves me, wants me etc. I sent one back saying I haven't done it, he has. Then the I love you, I've lost everything, I've nothing left. Bye. Phone off.

It didn't click for a minute, then I poo'd myself. He can do what he likes to himself, but NOT our children. I rang and rang, left two messages saying what was he thinking, don't even think about doing this to them. I tried finding the garage number he's at, then he rang . He didn't mean that apparently, he just needed to get his head together.

I'm personally going to kill him!

Sorry again.

No fair! We want to kill him... the least you can do is let us watch!

Ham actors, honey. They pull out every trick in the book, no matter how trite, cliched, or predictable.

And now he's emailed his sob story to an agony aunt at the local paper - aw jeez, scraping the barrel or what?

Top tip: He doesn't get to go with you to your solicitor. He'll have to find one of his own to tell him that if you file for divorce, you'll be shot of him within a few months.

He's right about one thing: he's got nothing left. Shame he didn't think about that possibility before he started screwing around.

Thank you for the support on here.

Momentarily, hope you are okay x

If some mad miracle happens, and we stay together, I'm so going to have to name change .

Nah, you won't - don't worry about that.

Miracles happen, honey, but you're best advised to make sure that the miracle that will be him becoming a changed man has truly happened before re-committing yourself to him - otherwise you'll think you should have been committed instead of sticking it out.

I'll not hold my breath izzy. I actually feel calmer now I've accepted we're done. Sad, but calmer.

Sad but calm is not a bad place to be so soon after your discovery - happy and calm is better and you'll get there, honey.

When it comes to relationships/emotions/feelings, everything's mutable. What you feel now may not be what you feel in 5 minutes, 5 hours, or 5 days time.

Just go with your inner flow while presenting an implacable outer demeanour to him.

Well done Lost.

I was just wondering whether he allowed his message to you to be deliberately provocative in order to panic you. That might have , in his view, either got you to change your mind through fear or got you calling (it did) in order that he can reassure himself that you are dithering or on the back foot. It is still about control.

I think he is using all this to test the water a bit, even if subconciously, because he still thinks he can wriggle out of the truth if he sits tight long enough. My h did this.

Regardless of whether you ultimately split or not, (and I am not advising you about what you ought to do, that is up to you), I do think that if his back is completely against the wall, and he has nowhere to go with you, you may eventually get the truth.

Sadly, they dont realise when they are putting you through this what arses they make of themselves, presenting a new side to their personality, causing pain and enlightening you in a way which can not be undone. You just see them slightly differently afterwards, I think, and I still do after more than 4 months. Its like looking at them through a slightly different filter.

That's it exactly five, the truth is neither here or there anymore. I don't want the man I've seen this week. That's why I told him we can't pretend it's fixable anymore. It's gone beyond that now.

I know it'll probably all turn nasty now .

The biggest thing I can't and probably won't ever get my head around, is why all this charade? He obviously didn't want me or this life, so surely he should be happy to be out of it. Why's he trying to hang on?

Ah glad you are ok. Had similar sign offs to messages

I?m good Lost, feel all the better for coming on mn

The fight is coming back!

Wishing you all the best for your coming journey x

It's the age-old cake and eat it syndrome, honey.

He's knows where he's well off but but he just couldn't resist having a bit extra on the side.

In his case, I suspect that the root cause is vanity - he thinks he's 'better' than everyone else and this feeds his sense of entitlement.

The fact that he got away with it for so long served to convince him that he's cleverer than you. As if!

Not very bright at all, is he? In fact, the words dumb and fuck come to mind.

That's it exactly Izzy. In a survey I read,something like 20% of men would have an affair - but 80% would have an affair if it was guaranteed that no-one would find out!

This one's tried to buck the odds. Unfortuantely he found out afterwards why 80% of men don't have affairs, in the normal course of life. Too much to lose.

He has just realised what he's lost. Too late. He's made his bed.

do you think he's going to get aggressive now, Lost?

I don't think so, but I know nothing anymore .

He got aggressive on the first Sunday. I don't think I put it in here, I'm not sure now (and it's a bit depressing to read my past posts). He grabbed me by the neck when I wouldn't believe his stories. It was in front of Luke (ds2). I calmly told him to let go in front of our child and knee'd him in the nuts so he had too. Think I was too embarrassed to admit that had happened. It's shortly after that Luke wet himself .

What your h did in front of your little ds is as despicable as it is unforgivable and he's shown his true colours.

Your h is a very angry man and he's been that way for a very long time way before he met you

If he attempts anything like that again, or manhandles or threatens you in any way, please don't hesitate to call the police and have him removed from your home.

Oh Lost, that puts a very different spin on things.

That's awful

lost, do you think you subconsciously left that bit out ?

that he attacked you physically ?

because you know that is the ultimate dealbreaker, and your thread would have gone off at totally different tangent, wouldn't it ?

It wasn't as bad as it sounds, but yes, I suppose I did avoid mentioning it .