'I'm not doing the school run'

[Quattrocento]

Announced DH, ten minutes ago. Tuesdays are his day, and not mine. I take a deep breath, for I am booked on a 7am flight (which means check-in at 6am and getting up at 5am) which he knew all about, well in advance.

I ask him why. He tells me he does not have to explain himself. Which I think means that he has no good reason for not taking them. Before you ask, there is zero public transport, it's 8 miles away and too far to walk/cycle and all available lifts seem to be taking extended half-terms.

He is being a twat of the first order, and I have no idea why. I've booked a taxi for the DCs, so that problem is solved, despite it not being my problem to solve. But I am concerned about DH's general twattishness here.

So tell me why my husband is being a twat. I'd like to know.

I know they both work. What's your point?

And being an effective co-parent is conditional on having a reasonably understanding relationship with your other co-parent. One particularly ineffective way of managing your relationship (and a sure sign that things have gone very seriously wrong) is to start talking about legal rights and responsibilities

You don't have to be worried about young sirens to be worried that you are sliding inexorably into a relationship of shared logistics and little else, and that both of you will feel resentful and grumpy towards the other almost permanently because equitable sharing of logistics is very difficult and you need quite a love, IMVHO, to make the constant little niggles seem unimportant.

Loving sAf's work resignation analogy.

But the bottom line, even if you are right Bonsoir, and I admit it is plausible, is why didn't he TALK to her instead of behaving like a five year old and saying 'i'm taking my ball away'. Alot of parently/family life if you are both working is the boring logistic 'who is collecting' stuff, and has to be done. But just unilaterally withdrawing your goodwill without discussion is just childish. Unless, of course, he felt that was the only way he could get a response...

Show him the thread - you just need to send him a link at work. He should read this.

Blackduck - it always seems easy from the outside to have a clear idea of what is going on and what the ideal, perfect course of action to achieve new harmony would have been

But when we are in the thick of our lives, mere mortals (and maybe some people on this thread are superhumans, but I am not) are not always perfectly lucid!

Bonsoir, think we are kind of saying the same thing.... :) Either way a discussion needs to be had, or Quatto will continue to be sucking up this kind of behaviour becuase they haven't got to the root cause...

I don't think you should show him this thread, because even on this thread you show no intention of challenging him on his behaviour. You want to have a vent and be told what a twat he's being.

Do you ever express any anger or discontent to your DH? Or is it always a sigh and sorting it all out yourself and silent fuming? I understand why you wanted to avoid a fight late at night when you had to get up early, but why are you avoiding a fight now?

Quattro, I spent every day of my marriage (after we had children) with ex-H facilitating, calming, organising, getting on with it & generally making life as easy for him as possible. It is not a good way to live & it does not make an equal partnership - or sorry to say this, one based on respect.

I completely understand why you did what you did, but long term - you have to stop. I had quite a bit of counselling after I split up with ex-H & my counsellor helped me see I had to stop beings so reasonable & accommodating & get in touch with my inner Gabrielle (the fiesty one in Desperate Housewives).

It is hard for me to break really hard wired patterns of behaviour (as I had years of practise facilitating, calming, organising & appeasing my mother) - but I can do it & I feel better for it. I have more respect for myself.

Hope that is of some help.

However poor darling husband feels neglected, he's still an adult and has children to look after.

They have agreed school run days. If he'd approached her ahead of time to tell her that he didn't want to do his day anymore, they could have sorted something out in a reasonable and adult fashion. As it was he petulantly put her on the spot. It was obviously calculated, considering the patronising 'are you cross now dear' comment.

I don't care how neglected he might feel, he's playing a pathetic power game at his children's expense. Sad.

So what are you thinking today, Quattro? Have you decided on a course of action? Because you are going to do/say something, aren't you?

Have I slipped through some vortex and arrived in bonkers world?

Op, you sound like an articulate person but you're leaving so much out here its impossible to see what's actually going on.

I can't get past the fact that he completely dropped you in it, then said he didn't have to explain why? And you just booked a cab and went to bed? I can understand you not wanting to have a fight at that point but you honestly just ignored his ludicrous behaviour completely?

And the following day, two teenage kids got sent to school in a cab and this drew no comment or reaction from them?

Then you got back from your trip, didn't ask him why he had dropped you in it, and then didn't reply when he asked you if you were cross.

The whole thing is like a Little Britain sketch complete with flutes and pixie dancing.

ARE YOU OFF YOUR BLEEDING ROCKER OR WHAT?

I just don't understand why you're not bothered about this. I'm guessing you've lived with and normalised his behaviour for so long that you don't understand why everyone else on here thinks it's totally out of order.

Or you actually get a kick out of his behaviour somehow? Because I can't see otherwise why you don't react in some way

Have you noticed that on this thread, the calmer and more distant the OP is being, the more people are doing attention-seeking things to get a reaction from her? I suspect her husband was doing the same (although totally unjustifiable).

Something is wrong here. I would personally want to know what it was. The fact that he wants to book a hotel and go there together suggests he might want the opportunity to talk and explain why he's being a twat too.

OP- I agree with pretty much everything everybody else has said.

He is behaving like a twat, treating you like mummy, which you are enabling because you are extremely capable. He's still being an utter twat though and seriously I would not ever let any more opportunities to make sure he knows he's behaving like a petulant toddler pass you by. Because at the moment you are the powerhouse of the family yet you allow him to have undeserved power by pandering to him. If he wants to have a say and a full role in your family, he needs to work at it, not just expect it.

She won't bring it up because she knows his reaction will be bad, and it'll turn into a row, and she's frightened of it.

She knows deep down inside herself, that his conduct was wrong and was designed to needle her. However, when she broaches it, he will react with anger and outrage, and/or deftly turn it around so that somehow, she got what she deserved.
She might even end up apologising.
But not before the whole thing becomes war, and she is defeated.

That's what I think. Could be wrong.

She's not ready to deal with this yet. With all the advice she has received, she is certainly going to be thinking things over.
I don't think it's fair to push her for a confrontation at the moment.

When you're in it - that shit is scary and upsetting.

When I finally began to realise that my dh was a bad 'un, I purposely spent a fortnight being as amenable, pleasant and unprovocative as I possibly could...then stood back and calmly observed as he behaved like a pig anyway.
Then I was clear in my mind. I knew it really really wasn't me.
When you have that big epiphany...that's when things happen.

Bonsoir does of course live in France, where the women are expected to do everything in the house on top of working, support their man-child in all things and always be available for sex, so her view of what's acceptable in Britain may be skewed by her environment.

I chose not to marry a Frenchman because they are pretty much all sexist pigs. I look at my sister & BIL and all my French girl friends and their set-ups and know I made the right choice. I also know many French women who deliberately chose to marry reasonable UK men for that very reason.

Except that I don't live in a French community, duchesse, but an über international one so your cultural analysis doesn't hold .

I've always found British men rather wet and sexless.

I agree pictish, OP is holding so much back, imo, that we are not getting the whole picture, and I think your explanation is the most likely. Hopefully, the epiphany will not be long in coming.

Oh she's just wildly envious, Hully. Let her be

i have a french EX bil. part of the culture seems to be turning a blind eye to infidelity too.

I must be meeting a different nation of french women, because they all strike me as being fairly fiesty!

the law seems to hold it up too - he cheated then moved across the country, she didn't follow so technically the marriage was ended by her desertion rather than his adultery according to the divorce