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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'I'm not doing the school run'

400 replies

Quattrocento · 20/02/2012 22:44

Announced DH, ten minutes ago. Tuesdays are his day, and not mine. I take a deep breath, for I am booked on a 7am flight (which means check-in at 6am and getting up at 5am) which he knew all about, well in advance.

I ask him why. He tells me he does not have to explain himself. Which I think means that he has no good reason for not taking them. Before you ask, there is zero public transport, it's 8 miles away and too far to walk/cycle and all available lifts seem to be taking extended half-terms.

He is being a twat of the first order, and I have no idea why. I've booked a taxi for the DCs, so that problem is solved, despite it not being my problem to solve. But I am concerned about DH's general twattishness here.

So tell me why my husband is being a twat. I'd like to know.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 23/02/2012 10:31

French law about who deserts whom is full of technicalities, I agree. You just need to be very careful about following them!

swallowedAfly · 23/02/2012 10:35

follow your adulterous husband? no thanks.

Bonsoir · 23/02/2012 10:40

Life in France is very full of technicalities and you don't want to get on the wrong side of them. Which is no defense on my part of those technicalities - they are madness itself - but the only way through is to pay heed to them.

pictish · 23/02/2012 10:44

So...in France, if a woman cheats, then takes off to live across country, and her husband doesn't follow, is he then the deserter?

swallowedAfly · 23/02/2012 10:46

i've heard the same of saudi bonsoir - so long as you observe the rules all's well Confused

snapsnap · 23/02/2012 10:48

Quattro I am guessing your husband behaved like this as he is feeling put upon. Of course you do more around the house but I have yet to meet the couple where both work and this isnt the case.
I suggest a nice meal out, babysitter and a bit of time to reconnect. He's being an idiot but I would probably have ignored like you did.

I really dont see what this has got to do with you being a feminist, like some posters mentioned? (sceptical) You are doing what you have to do to keep the show on the road !!

As for posters mentioning him running off, you know I think if my DH decided to have an affair because I didnt give him enough attention, then off with him. I simply couldnt spend my life simpering to and infantilising a man because I was afraid of losing him. I am, and it sounds like Quattro is, financially independent. I want to be with my husband because we are partners and I love him, I dont want him to stay because I baby him.

Malificence · 23/02/2012 10:58

Quattro, he's already shown you he wasn't the man you thought he was, did you ever resolve last year's issue or did he bully his way out of it and you've buried your head in the sand ever since?
I just wonder if what happened has been a factor in him detaching, how have the last 12 months been?

Original poster
Quattrocento · 23/02/2012 11:01

There is an extent to which I avoid confrontation. I rarely find it to be productive. In my experience of my marriage, it's usually been unproductive. I do think there is a need for a proper discussion, but the timings for those sorts of discussions need to be right. Usually not late at night and too tired/busy. I will have a proper conversation (but not confrontation :)) this weekend.

OP posts:
malinkey · 23/02/2012 11:03

But you can't control his reaction - if what he wants is confrontation not conversation (which his recent actions seem to imply) you can't make him be calm and reasonable as you might like him to be.

miaowmix · 23/02/2012 11:03

Regardless, even if your husband is feeling neglected, it is totally inexcusable for him to behave like this towards you. Why can't he just tell you how he feels?
I have to say I don't know how (or why) you remain so calm Quattro.
No idea of your past history so don't know what went on there, but there is no way on earth I would put up with being spoken to like this. I would always rather have a blazing row than tight-lipped sulking though. I don't do passive agressive.

Hullygully · 23/02/2012 11:11

Can I have whatever drugs you're on, Quattro?

They must be fab!

Bonsoir · 23/02/2012 11:12

Quattro - you are quite right to avoid confrontation if you have the skills (which I am quite sure you do) to obtain what you want through diplomacy Smile

Amaretti · 23/02/2012 11:14

I agree with the people who think that his twattishness is attention seeking which just means he wants attention. I don't think it means much more. I would have gone to get some sleep too, rather than giving him the row he was trying to provoke. He is clearly in the wrong and he was clearly being a man-child and quattro clearly is entitled to be pissed off. And sometime soon I think a discussion will have to be had about why he wants more attention and whether he can have whatever he wants, or not.

I can't remember what he did last year though. Was it to do with a car? I remember that thread.

Hullygully · 23/02/2012 11:14

If my dh said what yours did, I would howl with laughter and then book him a spot at the nursery.

Malificence · 23/02/2012 11:17

I get the feeling that this could be the tip of a very big iceberg.
Either way, enabling his cockish behaviour by being reason personified is not a good strategy.

Bonsoir · 23/02/2012 11:17

Hindsight is a fine thing, Hully Smile. I expect Quattro had a million other more important things on her mind when her DH committed this particular crime and she was focused on solving the problem at that very instant. Which is quite normal. Stop giving her a hard time.

Hullygully · 23/02/2012 11:24

Oh, I didn't mean to give her a hard time, I thought she was fine?

I am just literally ASTONISHED. My reaction isn't intended to make her feel bad.

Soz if it did, Quattro.

Malificence · 23/02/2012 11:24

I don't want to say what he did , suffice to say to that it was potentially marriage-ending ( not an affair) , Quattro doesn't seem to want to revisit it so that's her choice.

I just would like to know how the last year has been for her and if the problem was ever really resolved, anyone curious searching her posting history will not find the thread Wink .

wordfactory · 23/02/2012 11:27

I think what Quattro's DH did was quite unforgivable. Involving the DC is never acceptable.

However, she does need to get to the bottom of this. Her DH seems hell bent on provoking an argument. Clearly he has somehting to say. If it were me I would ask him to get it off his chest asap.

Once I had his reasoning I could a. assess if he were being an arse or if he had a point and b. tell him that he must feel able to tell me when he is upset rather than involving the DC.

I have to say that I would never accommodate a partner that involved the DC in such a way. I would need to make that abundantly clear.

quattro can I ask if he has ever done anything of this nature before ie make his point via the DC.

Hullygully · 23/02/2012 11:30

Maybe on th eother hand she needs to feel bad so that she looks at her own connivance/condoning of his behaviour?

warthog · 23/02/2012 11:31

here's a star for you malificence.

congratulations - you know more than the rest of us Hmm

Malificence · 23/02/2012 11:33

I'm really biting my toungue here wordfactory. Sad

Not my place and all that.

Bonsoir · 23/02/2012 11:34

wordfactory - it isn't about the DC. It's about Quattro's DH feeling taken for granted.

The DC are quite old and got to school anyway.

Why Quattro wants to live somewhere where her DC cannot get around on their own steam is beyond me (but I fully appreciate that she and her family have different tastes to mine). I like living centrally to avoid these sorts of issues every arising.

Hullygully · 23/02/2012 11:35

Um, you don't actually know it's about that Bonsoir.

beachyhead · 23/02/2012 11:35

I must admit I am massively confrontational, but I admire the position taken here. 1030 at night, before an early start, is not the time for a row, especially as he was clearly trying to pick one.

You have risen above it and your spectacular control over not being riled is being noticed by your dh, hence the offer of the hotel, once again you didn't rise to it.

What concerns him is that your lack of reaction means you don't care, exactly like an attention seeking toddler. I would just treat him like a toddler for a while. Ask politely, would he be able to manage the school run next Tuesday or would you like me to make other arrangements?

I think he'll want to man up at some point and accept his responsibilities. Better for him to reuse that on his own rather than you shrieking at him.