Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'I'm not doing the school run'

400 replies

Quattrocento · 20/02/2012 22:44

Announced DH, ten minutes ago. Tuesdays are his day, and not mine. I take a deep breath, for I am booked on a 7am flight (which means check-in at 6am and getting up at 5am) which he knew all about, well in advance.

I ask him why. He tells me he does not have to explain himself. Which I think means that he has no good reason for not taking them. Before you ask, there is zero public transport, it's 8 miles away and too far to walk/cycle and all available lifts seem to be taking extended half-terms.

He is being a twat of the first order, and I have no idea why. I've booked a taxi for the DCs, so that problem is solved, despite it not being my problem to solve. But I am concerned about DH's general twattishness here.

So tell me why my husband is being a twat. I'd like to know.

OP posts:
Lueji · 23/02/2012 00:07

Echoing the others.

I was the high(er) earning, who travelled and had deadlines. He would always pick a fight or demand sex the night before the deadline...

He was in charge of the meals (sahp) but would often do nothing until it was time, then I had to ask and sometimes cook myself. When he said he was not hungry... (what about DS?) I'd often just make enough for me and DS, then he would suddenly get hungry (or better...) and be upset that he had to fix something up himself. He could just have said that he was ill or too tired, but played the sulking and I'm superior game.

He is now ex.

Lueji · 23/02/2012 00:12

It hurt the most when I could see that he had no real regard for DS and would use him to put me down.

You do need to be direct with him.

Are you afraid that you may actually need to leave when you are straightforward with each other?

perfumedlife · 23/02/2012 02:29

If 'I was tired and had had a bad day' would have sufficed as an excuse for his abdication of parental duty then you have low expectations of your marriage and quite serious problems.

CinnabarRed · 23/02/2012 05:56

YY perfumedlife.

Because the corollary would be "...so I decided to take it out on you and the DCs, which I consider to be entirely acceptable."

molly3478 · 23/02/2012 06:26

I think this is very strange and I have nowhere near as a hig powered job I only work for the minimum wage but DH always takesDD to schoolonce a week on his day off and gets her ready and would definitely not object. He definitely would if I had to get a flight! I would be going mental if I were you

Blackduck · 23/02/2012 06:33

'are you cross dear?'
'no, I am deeply disappointed and am seriously rethinking and reconsidering our relationship'

DameEdnaBeverage · 23/02/2012 06:43

Am Shock at his behaviour. Can't believe he thinks going to a local hotel would improve the situation .Presumably he would expect you to book the hotel and also arrange the cab to take you all there! Perhaps you should agree to go and at the last minute change your mind and make him go on his own so you get a nice break.

WMDinthekitchen · 23/02/2012 06:48

Quattro, just do not understand why he would do that. For maximum effect, to exert some control? Some psycho rubbish dressed up as, 'I am the man and I can do as I wish?' You need to get to the bottom of this - at least to be sure he will not do this again. If you show him this thread (and do be prepared for him saying it is nothing to do with any of us etc) and find out WHY. You also need to be sure he doesn't do it again, whether or not you will be away. Is he just sulking because he really doesn't think he should look after his own children? Indicative of no respect, no feeling for you at all (no doubt the hotel idea will be held up as evidence of how he does care - HA!)

Bonsoir · 23/02/2012 06:55

He sounds as if he is feeling unloved and uncared for.

Now, I am not saying his feeling is necessarily justified (I have no data) but I have been around on this planet long enough to know that when middle-aged men start feeling unloved and uncared for --> big red warning signs.

CailinDana · 23/02/2012 07:09

It sounds like he did it for attention, to provoke you into actually having a normal reaction to something. Instead of being angry like anyone would be, you just ignored the situation and worked around it. His behaviour was ridiculous and unacceptable but your reaction is very telling - there is nothing worse than feeling like a nobody in a relationship and I'm sure that's how your DH felt when you didn't engage with him, didn't call him on his actions but instead acted like his input was easily replaceable.

It sounds like you two need a big, honest fight where you both actually finally say what you feel for once.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/02/2012 07:49

Bonsoir - yes the poor man, he is feeling neglected. Therefore he shall behave like an arse to draw attention to himself.

Hmm

What happened to 'darling we haven't spent much time together recently, I have organised childcare and I'm taking you to X for the night at the weekend'.

seeker · 23/02/2012 07:53

I knew it wouldn't be long before it was somehow the op's fault!

swallowedAfly · 23/02/2012 07:59

i think now that a gap has elapsed with him wondering if he's gotten away with it, knowing you're not right but you not saying anything, you kind of have the upper hand if you speak now.

if i had your character i would wait for a quiet time and then very calmly ask him if he wants a divorce. if he acts all shocked and why i'd say well i've been reflecting on your behaviour the other night and what it means and i can only conclude that the marriage must be over for you, why else would you abdicate your responsibilities as a father and husband and declare you don't even have to explain why unless you were announcing you wanted a divorce?

let him know that not being a father or husband and ceasing to even explain oneself to what is meant to be your partner signals the absolute end. is that what you want? if the answer is no i'd act quietly surprised and say oh so you do still want to be a husband and father then? and if confirmed yes he does you can say well then will you start acting like one please so that that remains possible?

if your style is not to argue and get emotional then deal with things in a non arguing, emotional way but still deal with them.

if it helps imagine he's someone at work who has refused to do their duties and refused to explain why and you are saying, are you handing in your resignation then? it's a logical conclusion to draw and a reasonable question to ask because they're acting as if they're not in the job anymore.

i wouldn't show him the thread.

swallowedAfly · 23/02/2012 08:01

i tried to ignore the, quick fawn on him and buy some fancy knickers or some evil temptress will have him away vein.

suburbophobe · 23/02/2012 08:19

I don't understand why you haven't had it out with him since returning.

This way he can pull any stunt on you any time at all while claiming he doesn't have to explain himself.

What kind of a life is that?

Bonsoir · 23/02/2012 08:23

Ignore it at your peril Wink. There is far too much overthinking on this thread, because most posters don't want to face facts. The problem isn't very difficult to grasp if you want to grasp it.

Chubfuddler · 23/02/2012 08:27

I'd say there's a middle aged woman in quattro's house feeling unloved and neglected. Funnily enough she doesn't abdicate all familial responsibilities and act out like a two year old.

Chubfuddler · 23/02/2012 08:29

What facts don't posters on this thread want to grasp? Op's husband is feeling neglected because she dares to have a career? Tough.

The rest of us are living in the 21st century bonsoir. Come join us.

Bonsoir · 23/02/2012 08:30

That is highly likely, Chubfuddler. But since the OP's question is "So tell me why my husband is being a twat. I'd like to know" I answered it!

Bonsoir · 23/02/2012 08:33

Having a career is not a handy excuse for neglecting your partner or a trump card that makes any behaviour acceptable, and that is true for both men and women. Men did it for years and their wives complained; I wouldn't call it feminist progress if women copy their behaviour.

Chubfuddler · 23/02/2012 08:35

There's no actual evidence that she is neglecting him though. I bet the ops husband enjoys all the financial benefits their dual income brings them. And being able to talk about his wife the hot shot lawyer. He just wants her to be his stepford wife as well by the sound of it.

Bonsoir · 23/02/2012 08:38

I think you are reading far too much into this. I'm sure he just wants some attention and to feel needed and wanted for himself rather than as a logistical support system.

swallowedAfly · 23/02/2012 08:39

they both work bonsoir.

and being a parent isn't conditional upon whether you feel well disposed to your partner or not. or would you refuse to take your children to school (a legal requirement when they are school goers) if you weren't feeling very loved by your husband?

Original poster
Quattrocento · 23/02/2012 08:49

Am I worried that DH will be forced by middle-age and his uncaring wife into the arms of siren youngster?

That's not my kind of worry tbh. That sort of anxiety just isn't me. I would also argue that it is not who DH is, but you will then immediately cite thousands of cases of middle-aged men behaving badly.

OP posts:
SecondRow · 23/02/2012 08:53

Even if he's not a bastard, he is still a twat. So what's your plan of action against future twattishness, Quattro?

Swipe left for the next trending thread