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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'I'm not doing the school run'

400 replies

Quattrocento · 20/02/2012 22:44

Announced DH, ten minutes ago. Tuesdays are his day, and not mine. I take a deep breath, for I am booked on a 7am flight (which means check-in at 6am and getting up at 5am) which he knew all about, well in advance.

I ask him why. He tells me he does not have to explain himself. Which I think means that he has no good reason for not taking them. Before you ask, there is zero public transport, it's 8 miles away and too far to walk/cycle and all available lifts seem to be taking extended half-terms.

He is being a twat of the first order, and I have no idea why. I've booked a taxi for the DCs, so that problem is solved, despite it not being my problem to solve. But I am concerned about DH's general twattishness here.

So tell me why my husband is being a twat. I'd like to know.

OP posts:
wem · 23/02/2012 12:55

Bonsoir, do you think Quattro's DH behaved rationally?

PeppermintPasty · 23/02/2012 12:56

Agree with Hully. He is being a wanker, it needs sorting, not excusing.

Heleninahandcart · 23/02/2012 12:57

OP on the night in question I think it was totally understandable that you got on with things rather than have an almighty row right before you had an early start for a flight. Howver, his behaviour was totally unacceptable and now you are back you absolutely do need to tell him so. It is essential that both partners in a relationship are able to speak their minds without fear.

Original poster
Quattrocento · 23/02/2012 13:04

In fairness to DH, he does as much if not more around the house than I do.

We do also have a fair bit of help around the house - but of course there's still lots to do!

OP posts:
malinkey · 23/02/2012 13:10

I don't think the issue here is about doing stuff round the house though.

Original poster
Quattrocento · 23/02/2012 13:10

The general ludicrousness of the DC's not being able to get to school under their own steam is not lost upon me.

It's similar to the general ludicrousness of their not being able to get to tennis, parties, cinema, piano lessons etc. Getting them around is a major chore.

OP posts:
miaowmix · 23/02/2012 13:14

Quattro did you ever find out the cause of your husband's behaviour?

wordfactory · 23/02/2012 13:14

Was living where you do your choice quattro?
And what about the DC's activities?

I do know a Dad who utterly refuses to ferry his DC around because he thinks that a. they should neverhave moved to such an inconveninet spot and b. he thinks the level of activities his DC do is ridiculous.
He takes the view that this was his DW's idea and so she should sort it. He raised objections to it all at the time and was overridden. So now it's her funeral iyswim.

Bellstar · 23/02/2012 13:17

quattro-why are you ignoring the very valid points people are making on this thread and coming up with deliberately imo vague bullshit?

I was the one who bumped this thread btw as was a bit concerned as your comments had been playing on my mind.

I say this as someone whose dh used to massivley act like a twat-but being on here made me able to stand up and say NO you will not opt out of family life and leave it all to me-you will do your bloody fair share!Angry

Are you now just enjoying getting a rise out of people with your faux calm and intending to make this thread go poof like your others?....

Bonsoir · 23/02/2012 13:19

Bellstar - it is very unfair to accuse Quattro of not making a sufficient display of outrage to satisfy the stone-throwing urges of posters.

Original poster
Quattrocento · 23/02/2012 13:20

Well actually, now you come to mention it, I think living in this particular neck of the woods WAS his choice

Perhaps I should withdraw all taxi-ing services :)

OP posts:
malinkey · 23/02/2012 13:21

I can understand Bellstar's frustration. People have asked questions and have given advice but Quattro seems to be answering entirely different questions! It does feel frustrating!

HuwEdwards · 23/02/2012 13:22

I have read all this thread and I really can't relate to it.

All I can say is that this would be SO out of character for either of the adults in our house to pull such a petty, mindless stunt that if my DP had done this I would assume I'd missed some kind of serious crack in our relationship/family life.

If it's not out of character for your DH to do something like this, then please disregard my comment.

Original poster
Quattrocento · 23/02/2012 13:23

Sorry, I've just caught your comment Bellstar

I'm not sure what you mean about faux-calm? I was actually far from calm when I started this thread.

What do you mean about vague? In what way have I been vague? I know from experience that DH and I have to have time to have a proper discussion, and having a discussion when there has been unreasonable behaviour involved when both parties are over-tired is likely not to be productive.

OP posts:
wordfactory · 23/02/2012 13:24

Nah quat you should be sharing them of course.

I was just wondering if that might be his motivation. A stand if you will. But no excuse there then.

See I am trying to be fair to him, but finding it hard to find any reason that would justify his actions. And on a wifely scale I'm at the high end of tolerance. Most things just don't rile me in the way they would others. Even stuff that I know I probably should make a stand about I often don't, because in all honesty they didn't bother me...

sternface · 23/02/2012 13:25

I don't really understand why it's been suggested your husband will let you know what he's doing via the kids Quattro, but if that's true for any reason, it's all the more reason for protecting them from that and doing your own research. I guess though, he used the kids in this example to punish you, so it's not beyond the realms of possibility that he'd do that again but if that's what you're concerned about, I'd imagine you'd want to intervene to protect them from that?

wem · 23/02/2012 13:26

Wow, what a frustrating thread. Good luck with everything Quattro, hope things work out for you.

wordfactory · 23/02/2012 13:27

Huw you have kind of summed up my feelings.

DH and I are both very forgiving of one another's foibles. Some foibles we barely register.
But if DH did this or anyhting approaching it I would trully be gobsmacked. It's just so far from how he would behave...I'd honestly wonder if he were having some sort of crisis.

Bellstar · 23/02/2012 13:28

quattro-the in what way have I been vague comment had merely confirmed my opinion that you are not interested in the advice you are getting on here.

I fully expect to come on here in a few days and find this thread goneHmm

Mal-I admire your restraint in not posting past history....

Bonsoir · 23/02/2012 13:29

It probably would be useful to dissect the logistics of your lives, and who made what decision and why (or, indeed, whether they sort of happened organically), and how you have got to the organisational point you are at. Probably best to make a headstart with the dissection on your own, rather than trying to do it together, so that you can lead the conversation when you have the time and energy to do so.

miaowmix · 23/02/2012 13:30

I agree Wordfactory.
Anyway OP, I hope you can resolve your issues. I suppose the point is they are your issues and not anyone else's. I wouldn't react the same as you but good luck with it all Smile.

Original poster
Quattrocento · 23/02/2012 13:31

One last thing, all

Thank you very much for your contributions, one and all. The perspective has been great. I had to an extent normalised DH's behaviour, because he can be sulky/unreasonable and I just let a lot of it wash over me.

I will do a bit more about asserting myself and I will sit down with him to try to renegotiate behaviours.

Still don't know why he was a twat and I suspect I never will :(

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 23/02/2012 13:31

On the contrary HuwEdwards I would say that if this kind of crap is not out of character but the OP continues to enable it, then she is missing a serious crack in her relationship/family life.

CurrySpice · 23/02/2012 13:32

You never will if you don'y bloody ask him Quattro!

BIWI · 23/02/2012 13:33

I think you need to ask him why, Quattro!

Unless you point out to him that his behaviour was twattish, he is never given the opportunity to explain why!