'I'm not doing the school run'

[Quattrocento]

Announced DH, ten minutes ago. Tuesdays are his day, and not mine. I take a deep breath, for I am booked on a 7am flight (which means check-in at 6am and getting up at 5am) which he knew all about, well in advance.

I ask him why. He tells me he does not have to explain himself. Which I think means that he has no good reason for not taking them. Before you ask, there is zero public transport, it's 8 miles away and too far to walk/cycle and all available lifts seem to be taking extended half-terms.

He is being a twat of the first order, and I have no idea why. I've booked a taxi for the DCs, so that problem is solved, despite it not being my problem to solve. But I am concerned about DH's general twattishness here.

So tell me why my husband is being a twat. I'd like to know.

But they have arranged transport for their teenagers. They take turns dropping them off at school every morning.
Just like billions of parents across the globe. Children don't always live within walking/public transport distance from their schools.

Bonsoir, are you getting your views from a 50s Marriage Manual?!

I am a lot more forward thinking than most of the posters on this thread. Load of middle-aged harpies the lot of you . Serve you right if you end up on your own and bitter

Yes, I'm afraid it would be a crime I couldn't tolerate too.

But I'm sure there are things in my marriage that I barely turn a hair over but would sound the death knell for other couples. For example DH doesn't cook. Apart from the odd grumble I don't actually care that mush in truth. I'm certain other MNers would have kicked his sorry undomesticated ass out of the door by now.

Re-arranging logistics is different than throwing a tantrum and coming up with a childish ultimatum though.

The OP's husband is acting like a prat but she should sit down with him and discuss how she can pander to him more so that he stops acting like a prat?
He needs to grow the fuck up quite frankly. Then he can talk logistics.

If all he is responsible for is dropping the kids off a couple of times a week, I'd say he's getting a great deal.
Why wasn't he cooking the meal / doing the washing, you know sharing the load like a decent partner does?

Bonsoir - it's all well and good renegotiating logistics and having family conferences and making sure everyone feels they contribute and have a valued place in the family, but OP's DH didn't do or suggest any of that. He waited til late at night before OP was due to get up early and leave to catch a flight, and tried to pick a fight by being a complete arsehole. This is not a sensible or adult way of dealing with disgruntlement. And OP shouldn't have to put up with it.

Malificence - I think Quattro and her DH, very sensibly, hav quite a bit of paid help around the house.

OP herself says her husband is being a twat, and most people are simply agreeing.
Personally I have a very low threshold for sulking and not saying what you really mean. It's not a deal breaker but I don't think it's an especially grown-up way of dealing with things, and clearly it's deeply frustrating for the OP too!

But Bonsoir surely you would be mightily pissed off if your DH suddenly announced he was not taking your DD to school, meeting her for lunch, taking her on holiday as planned?

You wouldn't think that was reasonable surely?

Bonsoir, has your user name been hijacked?!

anonacfr, you are right actually - it IS a tantrum, and I would barely put up with my 5 year old behaving like that, let alone partner.

Quattro said that she did the cooking / 3 loads of washing and the tidying up, before having to pack for her journey - mind you , her teenagers ought to be capable of sorting out the washing and why didn't her H cook a meal while she got herself sorted? I don't understand why so many women martyr themselves on the altar of domesticity.

Wordfactory - what would happen if you weren't there when the kids come home and they (and your H) needed feeding? He would have to cook then, yes? I don't enjoy cooking but meals have to be made and when I'm at home first, then I cook, when DH is home, he does.

Yes, of course I would be put out, but you know what? It happens, and it really, really isn't worth this much aggro. Sometimes I cannot achieve all I set out to achieve (despite my best and most conscientious efforts) and I expect him to be understanding. As long as nothing dreadful happens, sometimes you can accommodate being let down in a small way because there is a much bigger thing out there. But then, there is a lot of love in our family.

I've changed my mind, I want Bonsoir's drugs

Bonsai, do you get up half an hour before your dp so he never sees you without makeup? Oh, and do you get home half an hour before him so he never sees his home untidy?

Quattro I'm sure you'll ignore any posts that infantilise men and blame women for men's behaviour, past or future, but it sounds as though to an extent this is what you've been doing. It sounds as though you feel it is your responsibility to keep the ship that is your family, afloat.

The answer is never to appease and work round men like this. But he played you like a fiddle the other night because he knew you'd step in rather than let him deal with a situation he'd engineered. Your husband is an arch manipulator and knows you very well. He's trading on the erroneous sense of responsibility you feel to be the family's fixer and sorter.

He also knows you'd never do the same, because a) you're not manipulative and have no need to exercise control in this way and b) you'd never use the children as a pawn in a power struggle between adults.

I think your husband is a sexist in sheep's clothing. He probably likes the money and kudos of having a successful wife and the material trappings of your success, but resents it having any impact on the family and him especially.

I'm not sure if anyone's suggested this yet (but I've only just read through it all and may have missed it) but I think it's possible he's having an affair. Not because he feels neglected and disenfranchised or any of those bollocks excuses men (and sadly one woman on this thread) give themselves for their own bad behaviour, but as a means of punishing you. But as the master of passive-aggression, he won't tell you directly what he's doing or why he's doing it.

If I read your personality correctly from your posts on this thread and others I've seen you on, you'd be the last woman to snoop too - and he bloody knows it.

I think you've got to stop behaving in the ways he expects you to. He does this because he knows your every page. He can predict with alarming accuracy what you will do next.

This man needs an almighty shock. I'd advise you to start behaving very differently and unsettle him.

And I'd advise you to start snooping, because this man will never own his thought processes or his need to punish you.

It's called rational thinking, Hully. Quattro is also pretty rational.

No, seeker, my DP wakes me up at 7.30 every morning with a cup of coffee in bed

But this is not having to let your partner down because something urgent came up at work or even that some hobby had taken him away. He decided, at 10:30 at night, that he just couldn't be bothered.

you say rational

I say valium

Sorry, that was to Bonsoir's 12.39 post

Because you can't actually manage to understand the rational arguments, Hully . I suspect your brain is a little rusty - try oiling those neurones.

This is the pint, the nub, the crux:

Two adults are married to each other.

For no reason, at the last minute, one behaves like a wanker.

Adults do not behave like this.

The end.

I think that punishment is spot on sternface.
I personally don't think she needs to snoop though, if he wants her to see something, he may well do it via the kids.