Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'I'm not doing the school run'

400 replies

Quattrocento · 20/02/2012 22:44

Announced DH, ten minutes ago. Tuesdays are his day, and not mine. I take a deep breath, for I am booked on a 7am flight (which means check-in at 6am and getting up at 5am) which he knew all about, well in advance.

I ask him why. He tells me he does not have to explain himself. Which I think means that he has no good reason for not taking them. Before you ask, there is zero public transport, it's 8 miles away and too far to walk/cycle and all available lifts seem to be taking extended half-terms.

He is being a twat of the first order, and I have no idea why. I've booked a taxi for the DCs, so that problem is solved, despite it not being my problem to solve. But I am concerned about DH's general twattishness here.

So tell me why my husband is being a twat. I'd like to know.

OP posts:
Bellstar · 23/02/2012 13:34

FFS what is this with all the therapy speak-do people actually talk like this is real life?Confused

Where is the need for "time and energy"?

conversation goes thus-

dw-you behaved like a HUGE TWAT dropping me in it like that-why?

dh-so sorry was an arse,tired,feel impotent,jealous of your career,not getting enough in the sack blah,blah,blah

or

dh-I didnt acct like a TWAT-dw exits stage right....

Why the need for dicussions?

wordfactory · 23/02/2012 13:34

Ah now Bonsoir's advice is good here.

Families need to reassess all the time. What worked five years, or even five months ago may be now outdated. Circumstances change, people change, feelings change.

No one should feel they have to do x or y because that's what they agreed millenia ago.

But nor should they try to renegotiate at the eleventh hour of unilaterally.

Bellstar · 23/02/2012 13:36

I am counting down til thread goes poofHmm

Bonsoir · 23/02/2012 13:38

I cannot conceive of family life without permanent renegotiations, Bellstar. I would find it deeply tedious not to renegotiate everything permanently to make it all better and achieve more, and there is rarely any need for confrontation between rational adults who love one another.

Bellstar · 23/02/2012 13:44

Bonsoir-of course negotiations are useful-but the dh didnt negotiate did he? he simply presented the op with a real headache that he expected her to solve and she did!

Now op claims she has no idea why dh behaved thus and wont ask him?-in what world is that normal?

Original poster
Quattrocento · 23/02/2012 13:46

I've every intention of talking to DH, and of course asking him why he is behaving like this. There is no excuse though, is there, for this sort of behaviour? I'm not sure what I expect to learn from the discussion.

The behaviour was inexcusable, so what will happen is that DH will say either (a) my behaviour was inexcusable but I was grumpy because of X, Y and Z. or (b) my behaviour was reasonable

It says a lot that I am not sure whether or not he will go down (a) or (b)

I do sense that you're cross with me Bellstar, although I'm not sure why. This thread will not go poof, as you describe it. In fact I am not sure how I could persuade MN to delete it. The reference earlier, which I was hoping would go away, was to a thread some time ago that I posted under a name-change. It still exists. I posted it under a name change because to me it was a confidential issue, as I am readily identifiable, if you were industrious enough to try. I was slightly dismayed to find that issue being aired on this thread. FWIW this is only the second thread I have posted about DH.

OP posts:
miaowmix · 23/02/2012 13:46

I think my definition of 'rational adults' is different from Bonsoir's. Quattro sounds incredibly rational (too rational in the circumstances) but her husband's behaviour is anything but.

miaowmix · 23/02/2012 13:48

I hope you don't feel hounded Quattro, I think a lot of posters were concerned as your DH's behaviour was so odd. Sincerely wish you luck.

Bellstar · 23/02/2012 13:48

Nope not cross-words on a screen and all that... just a bit mystified is all

Original poster
Quattrocento · 23/02/2012 13:49

Arf at too rational.

Good spot though. I do tend to cling to rationality. I have to be rational all the time at work but I find it quite useful at home as well

OP posts:
sternface · 23/02/2012 13:52

Yes I'm sure you're intelligent enough to see if there are parallels between what ever this other thread was about and I can imagine your dismay.

I really think this is about punishment Quattro. Which is why I'd urge you to look at a bigger context of punishment and to stop expecting your husband to be honest about his motivations. I doubt he'd admit that he's trying to punish you, but it all points to it and I suspect there are other punishments going on that you don't know about.

It's very manipulative and controlling to punish someone without them knowing they are being punished, or why.

MooncupGoddess · 23/02/2012 13:53

'I'm not sure what I expect to learn from the discussion.' - you may not learn anything, OP, but surely the point is that he might learn there are consequences to behaving like a twat?

PostBellumBugsy · 23/02/2012 14:00

I don't think you will learn anything much from a discussion with your DH Quattro. I almost think it is a waste of time & too far after the event.

However, I think what you could take away from this thread is that sometimes you enable his bad behaviour. You can't actually change your DH's behaviour by talking to him, the only behaviour you can change is your own. Your own behaviour could then elicit change in your DH's.

wordfactory · 23/02/2012 14:07

Oh I don't know.

Your DH's behavour has no xcuse but it might have a reason iyswim. And it would be good to know what that reason was.

Hullygully · 23/02/2012 14:12

Really?

You can live with and have deep and meaningful and intimate and loving sex with someone who behaves like that and you don't expect you'll find out why...?

MrsCampbellBlack · 23/02/2012 14:15

We all can behave badly at times and if this was very occasional - well I'd accept it if after discussion it turned out he was very stressed about something/had just had a hideous day at work.

But I would have to get to the bottom of it.

Its a partnership after all - he's not the boss is he?

Hullygully · 23/02/2012 14:17

Yes, we all get pissed off/fed up etc at times, BUT, if we are adult and RATIONAL, we don't behave like spoilt brats and refuse to act on our agreed responsibilities.

Because that is IRRATIONAL, unfair and twattish.

snapsnap · 23/02/2012 14:19

Meeoww this thread is getting mean.

We all need our ego's stroked now and then. Mine and my husbands.

I dont know Quattro but I am guessing that she should deal with this big/small problem by a rational discussion. Unfortunately life with children is often about organising tasks but I think most men are man enough to deal with this.

Re knowing postets, my mnet memory and usage doesnt allow me to 'know' people, although extremes like Bonsoir and Xenia always stand out Grin

Hullygully · 23/02/2012 14:21

meeoww??

MrsCampbellBlack · 23/02/2012 14:22

Oh I agree Hully - I do.

Sounds like he was having a little power trip and was probably then annoyed not to get a reaction really. And Quatto behaved in exactly the way I tell my DS to with regards to the mean/nasty boys at school in terms of not letting them see they've got to you.

PeppermintPasty · 23/02/2012 14:22

Hully you always stand out for me as you always say "KILL HIM" which amuses me greatly as I am of a childish bent.

Very disappointed not to see it here.

Malificence · 23/02/2012 14:23

I haven't "aired" your previous issue Quattro, I've quite deliberately avoided even hinting as to what it was, I'm sorry if it dismayed you but would it have been so difficult to acknowledge my concern and simply say yes or no to my question of whether or not you came to a satisfactory resolution and how the last year has been, in relationship terms? It may be irrelevant but it could be hugely relevant to his current behaviour.
Your H must know why he threw a strop the other night, even if it's simply down to him being in a bad mood or pissed off with the kids - if you don't get to the bottom of it, it will gnaw away at you , especially without any kind of apology or acknowledment that he was utterly unreasonable, that's what emotionally mature adults do, they apologise when they've acted badly.

feelinghappynow · 23/02/2012 14:47

quattro you came on here, asking if we thought your husband was being a twat....the huge consensus out of almost 350 posts, excluding bonsoir - is yes!

And now you seem very laid back by it all, giving nothing away about what dh is 'normally' like....and seem happy and chilled out that 'you may never find out' Hmm so what was the point of the post? If just to vent, say that, post in chat so it disappears etc.

And I'd love to know the kids reaction to being taxi-ed to school....

is this a wind up??

swallowedAfly · 23/02/2012 14:57

consensus - yes he's being a twat.

bonsoir - no he just needs some loving.

ergo - send dh to bonsoir for some loving.

by the way bitter isn't the automatic side serving to being on your own bonsoir. you can be on your own and rational and happy. honest.

swallowedAfly · 23/02/2012 14:59

in fact,

alone + rational/happy = easy

with twat + rational/happy = more drugs than i've got in the house

Swipe left for the next trending thread