so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

[greyriver]

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

Well done grey.
You are worth so much more than the future you would have had with him. Be strong and don't let him put any blame onto you, lie with false promises, beg for understanding for his sadness. YOU should be getting support not supporting a weak spineless lying tosser. It's his actions, his fault and he is the one who should pay -not you

Well done, Grey!!! Have you noticed how quickly that shifted his shit? Ooooh, about 10 hours.

Listen to the OW: (Joy, you're a joy!) "I was the OW. Believe me - our relationship would have DIED if his wife and thrown him out to live with me after 12 weeks. Part of the 'fun' of the affair is the secrecy and the 'pulling' of the man from his apparently flawed wife/marriage.

If he's with her YOU will become the missed one and OW will be checking his phone for texts to you. What the wife never seems to understand is that in this situation the OW is having to share her man with the wife and she can be equally jealous/pissed off.

I repeat though - please trust me on this - the words coming from your DH's mouth: "she knows, can i live with you" To the OW will blow this affair over very quickly. He will be miserable and she will no longer be a bit of fun. She will now be the person he gave EVERYTHING up for - " ha ha ha ha!

"he knows I've been telling a few people...he had to hang up because he started to cry uncontrollably ..." ...

ooooooh, dear, the addiction (it wasn't love, he doesn't know her) fantasy bubble has burst, the spotlight is on him and now he is facing up to who he REALLY is and what he has REALLY been doing and what it is REALLY going to cost???? (The terrrible human cost, not ££££.)

Grey, now go totally silent on him. Do not respond to him, do not answer his texts or calls. Leave him with himself and the destruction he has caused.

Then, set up counselling and ONLY meet with him in a counselling room. He must examine himself and explain why sucking OW's twat instead of talking to you was such a fabulous idea. For what it is worth, I don't think your marriage is over and he will want you back and he will leave OW without a backward glance. I think he was correct when he talked about the good things you had. Just my opinion.

My H has been completely traumatised by what he has done. He is devastated that he is not the man he thought he was, that he is not honourable but in fact an abandoner and a betrayer. He hates and loathes his OW venomously. He is absolutely terrified of me. I don't mean that 'control' wise, but because he can no longer count on my absolute adoration/putting him first/believing him/agreeing with his agenda - I have wised up to who he is. Because he is terrified of losing what he threw away: his wife, his family, his children, his home. Because the balance of power as to who needs who has shifted: I am here for the time being because I choose to be.

I will never get this. How can they roar ahead without balancing things out, weighing up the pros and cons? How can they damage something so precious, for nothing? How can they not think of their children? Anyone have the answer?

PS Why can't you send hugs on Mumsnet?

I've just come across this thread and first of all I want to stay, grey - I'm really sorry about what you are going through and you are so strong and doing so well. I'm sending you hugs (whether it's the done thing on MN or not)

And secondly, what a great post and advice wobbly

Just a tiny thing that might help you.

If you need to manage or filter communications from him, get a pay as you go mobile and tell him to use that to callyou if he needs to get in touch. That way you won't jump everytime your regular phone rings.

I've found that very useful with my exh (different circumstances but every bit as necessary to retake control)

Good luck with your journey, for what it's worth you sound really strong and dignified, take joy in your children. Life will get better.

I always second the idea of a separate PAYG phone purely for formal contact re. finances/the dc's and nothing more

it also nicely rams home the point of "separate" ie.this is what you chose, deal with it

Agreed AF, along with the separate email address it gave me the greatest sense of control because otherwise exh seemed to think he could just interrupt my day whenever it suited him and I'd 'jump to'

This way he can't ambush me the way he used to as I can get myself into a sensible frame of mind before I even read/listen to his ramblings.

Greyriver your ex has given up his rights to access your emotions as and when.

an update

DH was apparently in a state yesterday, had our mutual friends ringing asking whats going on etc (as i had texted them telling them exactly whats been going on) , my sisters texting him and my dad phoned him too....He stayed in a hotel for the night distraught, a friend called him there and apparently could not understand a word he said he was that upset. I phoned him this morning and got a text explaining leaving the kids would be the hardest ever decision he made, I just calmly said he can get his stuff together today, but if there is one shred of doubt in his mind about what he is doing then I hope you know what you are doing because this is it.

four hours later he comes home, bursts into tears, hugs me and says he wants to work things out. He said he had just driven straight from the hotel to the OW work, and told her everything had come to the crunch and there is no way he could leave me, our memories and everything we stand for, for her. She was devastated and walked out. He said he wants to push her from his mind and concentrate on us, go away alone, anything, to get a way and try and get our heads round it all. He said its the worse mistake of his life, he got caught up in something and he never considered what he was doing where he going with is or what the impact would ever be. He said what we were lacking without realising he seeked elsewhere and this has made everything in our relationship so bad because he felt like he had totally withdrawn from me and that is was over and he couldn't see a way to make things better. He said he's a fool for jeopardising our 15 year life together for a 12 wk affair...

confused .com

That sounds intense and must have been very very hard for you. Are you okay?

Do you believe him?

What do you think about all this?

unmumsnetly hugs your way.

Hmm, so he shags someone else and expects the sympathy vote from friends and family as he's "that upset."

I sincerely hope you're going to make him work a bit harder than this.

But what do you want?

So how do you feel about it? Do you think he is genuine?

And of course, you could point out to him that you too felt there were things lacking in your relationship but you didn't nip straight out the door to hook up with someone else.

Btw, if I sound harsh, it's aimed directly at him, not you!

well, throwing him out to make him see what he stands to lose - that is the official MN advice and boy howdy it looks like he's realized it!

Now, grey don't get rushed into anything. Take a breath, and think about what it would take for your H to earn back your trust, if that's what you want him to do.

I'm sure wiser and more experienced people will be along soon with better advice, but mine for now is, look after your self. He IS a fool for jeopardizing your long relationship for a short affair, yes. But you already know that. The fact that he has suddenly worked it out doesn't make everything rainbows and cuddles again.

He wants to work it out. Good, that means now you can think about what you want.

Where is he now?

It looks like the bubble has burst and the reality of what he is losing has hit him.

My advice is for you not to make any long term decisions - you will go through so many different emotions over the next few months, recovery is very hard and he has to a lot of work to do in order to rebuild things (if you want to try again that is) and there is no way you can guarantee anything for some time.

If you decide to have him back you need to insist on the following as minimum:

• full access/transparency - mobile phone/laptop etc
• counselling
• willingness to talk and answer questions honestly
• establishing boundaries
• addressing his own issues and character flaws, esp those which allowed him to cheat on you

I am not sure if I have already suggested getting Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends - it helped me and many others on MN enormously.

(((HUG))) this is an awful situation, and you are bound to feel completely confused.

I can't suggest what you should do, but you may find it helpful (if you haven't already) to read the healing library on www.survivinginfidelity.com before you reply/decide anything. It didn't make anything easier to go through, but it really helped me to understand my H's actions (and he is still behaving badly).

The most important thing they seem to talk about on there is total non-contact with the AF (affair partner) if you both decide to reconcile, followed by you laying down your own boundaries. In other words, what it would take for you to consider trusting him again.

In my case that made it all very simple to understand. H had no intention of having no contact with his OW, and I didn't really think anything would help me to trust him again - so we are going to split. But that doesn't mean that everybody does after an affair. So although I probably fall into the 'leave the bastard' camp myself, I know that you need time to think through your own situation properly... and it may take you a while to decide what you want to do. Having kids and a long history together is really hard.

The good thing about the info on the website I've linked you to though is there is lots of advice specifically about things NOT to do that will allow your H to walk all over you, whether you split or not. It really helped me to see from other peoples experience what worked for them and what didn't help one tiny bit - it's helped stop me from possibly being more hurt in the long run.

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, but whatever else you think keep telling yourself over and over, this is NOT your fault. You did NOTHING to deserve it, and whatever he claims was 'lacking' in your relationship did not excuse his affair. Something was lacking in HIM to make him choose to do that, rather than work on his marriage with you. x

Oh yes and you need to put yourself first - be kind to yourself, give yourself boosts by doing nice things (bubble baths, walks, coffee shops, window shopping, beauty treatments, new make up/haircut etc) and spend as much time as you can with people who are good for you.

I would stick to your guns about him leaving for a while

You cannot accept a few tears 24hours later as sufficient effort to win you back.

It will be hard but if he doesn't have to fight for you, he will never understand how close he came to losing you and he will not value his life with you as he should.

If he really means what he says, a few weeks/months for you to clear your head, set ground rules etc will be small fry compared to 15 years of marriage.

OP I know it must be tempting to fall into his arms and pretend this never happened but this is not the answer.

Make him fight for you.

And get him to the STD clinic to get checked!

Somethings hit him not sure If facing up to it has done it, and with me telling people etc hes had to face up to the entire situation. He came back we talked I said he had broken our trust and pretty much destroyed me over the weekend he said he was so so sorry and he wants to make it up to me, he said he can't bear the thought of losing me and wants to become a better couple from it, because things had not been right for a long time before the affair, which they weren't. He wants us to be honest about what each other want, he wants more time together and alone away from the children so we can concentrate on building things back up again. He said he will answer any questions i have and answer anything i want to know, and that he wants to help me through this. he wants the summer with his family, to enjoy us and do all the normal things we've always done.

I said I had a massive decision to make, and whilst he was away getting his head sorted, I've had the family to deal with, sleepless nights and my brain can't think straight... I said right now I need to sort my head out, I may go to my sisters for a few nights with the kids, I feel a night in a different bed and surroundings will do me good to get thinking straight about what I want. I do still love him though, but I could never go through this again, so feel I need to protect myself as well.

Grey - that's a big change from a few hours ago where he was feebly offering to try without guarantees. If the OW is really and truly out of the picture you two have a fighting chance to sort this out.
I think having a few days out of this situation, in a different environment will give you some opportunity to begin to process the events of the last couple of days. Don't make any snap decisions.

Honestly, he sounds so melodramatic. You do NOT need someone flipflopping right now saying one thing one minute and another the next. Tell him you need time without contact to make up your own mind.

I can't stand people who make these huge meaningless pronouncements all the time - because that's what this is, meaningless. No-one whose feelings are that shallow that they can entirely change their mind in the course of 24 hours is worth listening to until they've had a chance to actually sit down and think about what they want.

I would know - I am EXACTLY the same (without the cheating philandering bit). I can be SO sure what I want one second and an hour later be doing the opposite. I have learnt to not inflict this emotional whiplash on others and your husband needs to do the same. If he doesn't, seriously, he's just indulging himself.

You are doing the right thing in asking for space and going away is a good idea.

Can I just say something about how things weren't right before the affair. If you read Not Just Friends and many of the affairs threads on here you both may realise that things weren't right because your H was detaching from the marriage as the OW has come onto the scene (the affair may not have started then though).

Your H had to do this in order to allow himself to become involved with OW - and this detachment often takes the form of being cold, critical and grumpy, causing you to react negatively.

I would take a break from him for a while. You need thinking time. I feels like he is overwhelming you with his emotional turmoil and is not giving you time or space to process your feelings. Its almost like he is turning this whole situation into a consideration of what he needs / wants whereas he should be standing back and respecting your decision.

I feel really annoyed with him, he has royally fucked up yet is being the bloody drama queen about how hard life is for him and prostrating himself with grief. He is making this whole situation about him and his feelings. I think he is still fundementally self centred and selfish and wants to sort out things in the way that suits him rather than respecting your right to choose when you are ready.

Until he is ready to respect the fact that it is entirely your decision how you react and give you the time and space to do that, then he is not treating you like an equal but rather as someone whose feelings can be ignored and rode roughshod over yet again.

Take as long as you need not as long has he wants.

Good luck.