so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

[greyriver]

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

I too think he should still leave so you can get some headspace and not be emotionally wrung out by his tears and upset and remorse. It's hard to think when exposed to that constantly, and it'll wear you out. He needs to get it together somewhere else and think about what he's done.

My strong advice is to keep him away for now.

In the first place, this really is all about him.

But the fall-out of his behaviour has hit you hardest, not him.

Yet he's making this er... all about him

Together with some convenient blaming....of the "I wouldn't have done this if our marriage had been better" variety.

Bollocks he wouldn't.

He did this because he could and because he got the opportunity. He was quite prepared to carry on with you in the dark and him unilaterally withdrawing from your marriage. He was prepared to let you carry on looking after his kids and providing domestic service, first while he continued having an affair and then when he got found out, while he dithered between you and the OW.

He's incredibly manipulative. Those tears are for himself and are self-pity, not contrition for what he's done.

If you let him walk back in and take one single bit of blame for his behaviour, you will live to regret it for the rest of your life.

He didn't have to do this. As another poster has said, I bet a lot of the 'problems' in your marriage were just your reactions to his selfishness/self absorption. You can bet your house that this got worse as soon as he clapped eyes on the OW and had her lined up as affair material. That's when doubtless the really shit behaviour and selfishness started, but probably because he was always something of a selfish, woe-is-me-I-work-so-hard sort of manchild, it took you a while to notice things were suddenly much worse than normal.

He'd still be having the affair and keeping you in the dark if you hadn't found out.

Let him live with those consequences now. Watch what he does when you don't back down and when you refuse to take the blame.

That will be the measure of the man, not some pyscho-drama he's staged because he's been brought to the front of a school assembly and named and shamed and feels sorry for himself.

Of course, all this drama has neatly got him off the hook of ever having to give you any proof that things are all off with the OW, which is of course just what he intended.

Make him go and leave you in peace for a while DO NOT GO TO YOUR SISTER'S without knowing he will not go in and change the locks etc... do you trust him, REALLY, truly trust him not to do that ???

My sister has been there, took him back, went for a trip with kids, came back to find all her stuff in the garage and b**ch in the house with him! Be CAREFUL!!!!

Charbon you are so wise and so correct. You read this situation correctly from the start.

Grey do not let your H back into the house whether you are staying there or not. He needs to understand the gravity of the situation and the consequences of his actions: everyday life is routine, dull and stressful with times of joy thrown in but that doesn't mean we all go off and shag someone else...... Don't be fooled into forgiving him and being taken in by his act. He may finally realise what a fool he has been, that he cannot have his cake and eat it but forgiving all now, with no consequence for his actions will not be beneficial for you in the long run.

Keep strong and keep your dignity.

Charbon speaks wise words.

Dont give in and fall for his act. You know he is capable of both lies and deceit, and carrying on with another woman behind your back, in your car fgs, proves what sort of man he is, and the manipulation, poker face, and lies he is capable of.

I would not believe he is sorry for you and the kids even ONE bit, he is sorry for himself, for his reputation and outward face being destroyed by his own actions.

The only way this can be repaired and his reputation in front of friends and family restored is if YOU take him back. So dont. Let him stay in his hotel and stew for a bit.

Tell him you wont have him back yet, and that he should stay out of the house for now. Suggest renting a room somewhere, as it will be cheaper, as you cant see yourself getting over this just for a while.

Meanwhile, see a solicitor.

grey listen to Charbon. She is so very right and said everything I wanted to say far better than I ever could.
He really does have to see that his actions have consequences. He needs to fight for you, (even if you think you can get over this).

Good Luck.

grey he really sounds like a stupid child.

How come he only "came to his senses" when you told him it was over and that you weren't going to be treated like second-best shit anymore?

Why was THAT the crunch?

I suspect it's because he never thought in a million years that you would stand up for yourself. He truly believed you would roll over and take it. So he could have a mummy for his kids, and a hot shag on the side, happy as a clam with no consequences for him.

Now he realises things like "omg she will split with me and i will have to care for the children on my own two weekends a month. OW doesn't even WANT children..."

and

"i will have to give her X% of my earnings every month while i live in a bedsit and do my own shopping and cooking and cleaning... how will i keep things up with the OW?"

and

"OW doesn't even know how i like my fryup on a Sunday. it took me years to teach grey. shit. she'll want hotel brekkies every weekend"

i'm sorry but he sounds like SUCH A COMPLETE KNOB and you deserve so much better than this selfish, melodramatic, manipulative eejit. it is horrific that he's turning on the melodrama and waterworks now. how dare he act as if his world has come crashing down around him? He chose this. What on earth did he think was going to happen?

Oh yes... he thought you were going to stay silent and even take on the shame of his affair, and therefore never reveal it to anyone. What a cruel, cruel, cruel person.

i dont know whether its just me being cynical, but there were an awful lot of 'he wants' in your last post grey

if his tail was really between his legs, wouldnt he have been asking what you want? what HE has to do, to fix things? etc.

i think i would be blood boiling raging if my dp treated me so badly and then when the shit hit the fan, started to tell me what HE wanted.

he would get one big fuck the fuck off and when you get there, fuck off some more.

he needs to be asking what your hoops are and how can he jump through them.

grey I sense you're wavering. Please don't. You're not nearly out of the woods yet with this one. You must still kick him out - for the time being at least, although don't tell him that. He has to sweat about this. Only this morning for instance, he was saying how the hardest decision he'd ever made was leaving the children. Not you, I notice!
This is all too quick. How on earth can you trust the word of a man who not only has been deceiving you with an affair, but has chopped and changed his mind so many times in 72 hours? These are MASSIVE issues, and need very careful thought, not the headless chicken drama-queen routine he's indulging himself with.

I cant thank you all enough especially Charbon such amazingly wise words your help and insight into deciphering this mess has helped me get through this.

I have just phoned him after reading the posts and told him I don't want him to come home. He said why? I said its screwed my mind and how you've treated me has been so unbearable when I said to collect your things I meant it and I was in my mind a single mum from them on. I said I don't believe you can change your mind and be so sure so quickly, and I have no proof that its stopped with the OW (well sssh - I cant spend the next few days monitoring his mobile online bill its pretty up to date (4 hourly as i have never told him its set up he is clueless) to see if he is lying. He said he will stay with our mutual friends, and that if its space he needs then he will give it to me. He said his actions will speak louder that words, and when you let me back in I will prove to you I am 100% committed to you.

So in his absence I have two of my closest friends coming over tonight for a good chat and who have known us both for 10 years, and my sister again tomorrow night x

sigh....!

I was wavering Clam but mumsnet strength has shown me the light again and kept me on my steady road through this

how are you now grey? Your life has been turned upside down and back again in the space of a weekend.

Your DH is making all the right noises to keep you quiet, but is this how you really want things? It sounds All About Him. That isnt right.

Please, try to keep calm and clear headed when he is saying things to make you STFU and remember, any decision you make now neednt be forever.

Well done again. You really are an admirable woman.

This man needs to be permanently on the back-foot from now on.

Yes, monitor the bills and watch what he does, not what he says. Insist on some 'radio silence' from him now and when you next talk, if he asks you what he must do, tell him you're not handing him an instruction manual. He is to work this out for himself in order to become a better human being, but he must do that for himself and any future partners because any efforts will be lost on you.

He really needs to believe he has lost you for good, even if you don't believe that yourself yet.

"when you let me back in?"
He's confident then.

Thing is, whilst all that guff about having a better relationship post affair might be right - and only eventually, after years of hard work, counselling, and heartbreak - he doesn't mean it now. My H said that as well, and TBH I think they say it because it makes them feel better. It allows them to kid themselves that it was the relationship at fault, not them. They say "we can have a better relationship than before" and it just sounds like "I cheated because things were crap", ergo... I had a reason to do so.

Stay strong :)

I am so sorry this has happened. You must feel dizzy with emotion.

I have never been through this, but think you have been counselled wisely here. Seems right that he should go elsewhere (and be uncomfortable/inconvenienced) while you have time to think about what you want. Much better than you going to your sisters' house, or having him at home in the spare room.

In the meantime, think a bit about how to protect yourself financially should you split from him. Start compiling papers and photocopying personal/financial documents just in case you need them down the road. You may ultimately decide to work things out with him, but if not, it could be invaluable information.

grey you're amazing.

"and when you let me back in I will prove that I am 100% committed to you" Shouldn't that be if, or is he so sure that a few crocodile tears and 'I'll give you all the space you need' for a couple of days will lead to his reinstatement as cock of the walk?

O dear me, as you have said, he is indeed clueless isn't he? He doesn't realise that he is up against the veritable mountain of collected wisdom that is this board.

If you continue to act on the priceless advice that is freely dispensed here, honey, I have no doubt that, one way or another, he's going to be committed...

Grey, it is quite heartening to see you take strength from the wise words on Mn. Just a couple of days ago you were seriously considering being the shit-upon wifey at home while he continued with his sex on the side in the back of your car. How far you have come. You have taken control of the situation superbly.

everybody has had good, common sense advice for you, but the poster you should listen carefully and with great detail to is charbon

she has it spot on, and will probably continue to predict precisely how this weak, selfish, immature man-child will act over the next few days and weeks

I still say radio silence completely and utterly, then watch what he does not what he says

Well done grey, you really do need the space in this situation. I hope you have a good evening with your friends and manage to get a decent amount of sleep for change tonight.

He says the state of your marriage is the reason for his affair. Well, the state of your marriage may have made you both unhappy, but it was his decision to have an affair, and he has no right to shift the blame for his actions from himself to you.

...he wants more time together and alone away from the children translation: "You've been too busy being a mum to our kids and haven't been paying enough attention to poor little me...". He is too busy wallowing in self-pity to take responsibility for his decision to betray your trust.

Lots of people have problems with their marriage. They don't go off and have an affair at the first opportunity.

He said he will answer any questions i have and answer anything i want to know, and that he wants to help me through this.

How generous of him! I think he is a very manipulative man.

I think you're getting good advice here, grey, and I do hope you will take time for yourself to work out what you want.

I imagine what I would want in your situation would be something like 'all this misery to go away and everything to be alright again' - but a lot of posters have said that just taking someone back straight away doesn't lead to happiness and fluffy kittens - but rather resentment, unsorted issues, and the eventual crumbling of the marriage anyway.

I agree with the people who've noticed that he is very sure that you'll take him back, and I am pretty damn shocked that he has a list of demands for you. Of course he's couched that in language about 'needs' - but see them for what they are: a man used to having his cosy home life and his bit on the side, now wants his cosy home life to be a bit more sexxxay and like his bit on the side, so it won't hurt him too much to give her up.

Start thinking about what you want, and make sure he gives you space so you can really think about it.

Grey, just one thing to add to what everyone else has said.

Be very careful about the so-called "improvements" to your marriage he is proposing

Weekends away without the kids, more time spent together etc

I always feel very uncomfortable when cheating men get rewarded for bad behaviour by being handed rewards such as "weekends away"

yet agin, it's all about him and someone else putting themselves out. You, probably in sorting the kids out to enable all this romantic mini-breaking and the friends/family that have to pick up the childcare

it requires zero effort from him to get his cock sucked in a nice hotel by the woman he shit upon not too long before

think about that

grey, sorry to keep reminding you, but have you organised a std test

and has he ?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Take your time and make the right decision for you.

Always remember

When your marriage went through a rough patch you came to mn to ask for help getting your relationship back to the closeness you used to share with the man you loved and married.

When your marriage went through a rocky patch the first thing he did was dipped his cock in the first wet hole that let him and then blamed it your rough marriage.

You are worth so much more than this man will ever know.

PS STI clinic is very important. It may also provide additional impact of just what he has risked with his selfish actions. Even if he did use condoms.