so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

[greyriver]

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

Well done you.

An affair is bad enough, but not giving her up is shitty, and expecting you to tolerate it. If he could do that, he doesnt care about you, or how your upset will affect his own children.

Apparently, it helps to tell his parents etc , too. It explodes the mystery and fun and helps bring his chickens home to roost faster. That 'book, His needs, her needs', says that exposing the affair publicly turns what was fun and secret into a sudden living hell for them. So I would do that. And, anyway, he will only get his story in first and blame you if you dont.

Crocodile tears for the poor little boy when the grown ups find out he has been naughty

it's all in the script, grey

he has to face up to what he has done. What he expected you to do is cover it all up for him, and makes things alright

well, news flash things are not alright

he has hurt you immeasurably, and he would be quite prepared to go on hurting you whilst you compete against the impossible to hold onto the love and respect he so carelessly discarded in favour of sordid shags in the back of your car

well done to you, it was absolutely the right thng to do

now, my advice would be absolutely no contact by phone, text or email for at least a few days

tell him that if he respects you he will leave you alone to get your head together with the people who really love and respect you and turn off the pathetic waterworks

do no fall for the emotional blackmail, the tears are for himself and himself alone

Nothing to add to the excellent advice already given (would echo exactly what AnyFucker says above, especially about no contact for a few days) but just wanted to say am rooting for you grey

This long standing work thing is proably something to do with work, but not entirely work related. Its far more likely to be something he has engineered in order to spend a night with this girl if she doesn't have her own place; like swinging an early meeting at a different branch for example. Even if it IS a work thing, its easy to get someone else in the room to spend the night after the work stuff is gone. A friend who is a hotel receptionist said its very common for a company to book a room and then the businessman arrives, asks for change to double occupancy, then pays the single occupancy room rate on his credit card and the rest in cash. Bleugh.

I would also bet my house that she was with him all night.

Thats why he wouldn't phone her to tell her it was over. Cause he's obsessed with her and had night of passion all lined up.

She hasn't got anywhere for him to move to with her. He wants to keep you, the house, the kids, while he sees her on the side as his relationship. Don't let him do that to you. Kick him out, let him live in a bedsit skint through paying you maintenance and rent for himself, and see how long OW hangs around for.

Who cares if he is upset that you told people? If he was serious about mending the marriage he would have cancelled the work do - if it was work. But no, he's been off and had a night with her in a hotel.

Where do you live, do you need anyone to come round with that roll of binliners.

Well done - I know how brave you must have been to have made this decision and I am so pleased you are getting RL support.

As for his tears, these are for himself - he is now crapping himself knowing that people know the truth. The tears won;t last though and he may get angry so be prepared.

^ Even if it IS a work thing, its easy to get someone else in the room to spend the night after the work stuff is gone. A friend who is a hotel receptionist said its very common for a company to book a room and then the businessman arrives, asks for change to double occupancy, then pays the single occupancy room rate on his credit card and the rest in cash. Bleugh.

I would also bet my house that she was with him all night.

Thats why he wouldn't phone her to tell her it was over. Cause he's obsessed with her and had night of passion all lined up.^

I would agree with this - my H used hotels in this way for his affair.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please take care of yourself and your children.

Please get yourself off to an STI clinic as soon as possible. If this woman is so classy she shags a married man in the back of his wife's car who knows where else and who else she has been with!

Remember most of his crying will not be because he has hurt you rather than he has been found out before he was ready to leave you and his cushy little secret is being exposed to everyone for the tawdry dirty little secret it really was.

If he had any intention of sorting this with you he would be back home tonight and licking your feet to show how sorry he was. I am afraid I agree with the others, the plan was he would not be alone in that hotel room tonight.

Get yourself to a solicitor and find out where you stand legally. Hopefully in the long run you will not need the knowledge but right now knowledge is power and if he starts making threats about children/house/finance even if you don't say anything to him it will give you a little comfort to know he is bullshitting.

Well done, grey! I'm really pleased that you were so strong! This was the right decision for you and your well being.

His tears are totally for himself. My STBX did the same, and I caved (shame face). Continue to be as strong - I'm rooting for you!

Grey, well done, so so strong thinking of you

Wow, I wish I had Mumsnet when this happened to me (some 26 years ago) We were not married but our son was just 6 months old.

He also felt so bad for OW he couldn't tell her over the phone. She deserved the respect of him telling her face to face, of course he would be home by 10pm, I was being selfish because at least I knew he was coming home to me...she would be left with no one.

He never came home that night. When he did come home, I screamed, I sobbed I was broken hearted...his response? 'Oh bloody hell I think I've made the wrong choice, she was so understanding and just look at you!'

We had sex then :-( Why? Because somewhere in my warped, insecure mind I had to make him believe that I was the better choice.

I never told any of my/our friends, I was too ashamed.

I had got him back, I was the winner, right? Wrong. My life was hell. I was paranoid, had no self respect, my confidence was shot to bits and I was miserable.

He carried on seeing her for another year. There were no mobile phones or computers to leave a trail of evidence back then. When I found out, I kicked him out. He went to live with her. When I asked him why he couldn't live on his own for a while even just to sort his head out he said, ' oh well, I have lost you and our son now so I may as well take comfort from her.' This changed my mind set to thinking, oh if only I hadn't of kicked him out, he would never of gone running to her. (My God...how stupid was I???) Now here's the best bit...I BECAME THE OTHER WOMAN!!!

We were seeing each other and he was telling her he was spending time with our son!

I don't know what my wake up call was...it wasn't a light bulb moment...it was a long hard road. I do remember thinking I don't want my son to grow up being so disrespectful to women. It also rocked my world when I found out his mom was covering for him...as were some of our friends!

I started to question everything...and I realized my instincts were always on the ball...I just had to listen to them.

OP, you will have good days and bad days but please, please listen to the advice given on here. I wish such people were there to support me back then. Save yourself the heartache...get rid now. This time next year you will be a whole person again, DO NOT PERLONG THE PAIN.

Now? I am happily married, have been for 19 years. My son and my hubby have a solid relationship and while I never stood in the way of ex and son having a relationship (hard as it was)...when my son reached the age of 17 he seen his dad for what he is...a crap dad and an inadequate man. Ex is currently on his own, doesn't see much of the other 3 children he went on to have and is an alcoholic. Shame eh?

Sorry I didn't mean for that post to be so long!

Stay strong OP!

crisps, so many of us wish we had had MN back in the day

AF...I love MN! I just know had I of posted my story back then...I would of had the support I needed and I would of saved my self respect.

I have since (years ago) said sorry to OW for the abusive phone calls I made to her. Gosh, I was evil! I now know, it was not her fault (even though I do still think, when a woman finds out her 'D'P has a wife/kids she should tell him fuck the fuck off) Anyway, she is now married with 5 kids and very happy. We are not 'friends' but she still keeps in touch with ex's mother. ( I have kept in touch as she is my son's nan...and she has also seen her son for what he is)

These days...I'm so glad I have learnt to let go of the hate that over took my life. Today, I am happy.

Glad to hear it, crisps

crisps, what a story - so glad you have a good life now.

Grey, well done,xposted earlier, he can still be a good dad and have a good relationship with the children but he has chosen this path. He did have choices and he choose to embark on a relationship with OW, he wasn't thinking of the dc's at that stage.

So glad you've taken a stand.

With respect to people in RL, please don't listen to anyone who says or even subtly implies that the affair is due to anything you have / haven't done; that you should have him back "for the sake of the DC"; or that by telling him to go you haven't "fought for him" and will drive him away.

If, having hurt his family terribly, he now compounds it (eg by continuing to see the OW, messing you and the DC about financially, re-inventing history to make out that the affair resulted from things that were your fault, trying to guilt-trip you, lashing out angrily) rather than accept total responsibility and totally grovel, then it confirms that he doesn't have the strength, integrity or love that would be needed to make amends, even if - after some time apart - you were minded to let him try.

Suggest that you don't listen to his self-pity or engage in discusson about your relationship and only speak to him about urgent practical matters for at least a few weeks.

greyriver My hearts pounding, your posts are so similar to what I went through. You have been given fantastic advice so I can?t really add anything else. I Just wanted to say you are not alone, unfortunately there are a lot of us on here that have gone through the same and understand the utter turmoil you are living through right now.

My H immediately following the discovery of texts and emails went on the defensive, blaming everyone but himself. I was a controlling, boring wife who only lived for the children. We had drifted apart, (unbeknown to me!) and he felt unwanted and unloved. Work was shit, he was stressed, the kids were unruly (not at all - just 2 & 5), blame, blame, everywhere but where it should have been. He went on to tell me that she was a female version of him which was why they had this special connection. He had his ego (and everything else) stroked by a family friend, also in the family car, every Friday - Friday night was F* night for months. The day before I ^found^ the texts we had just got back from a long weekend in Paris, we had had a fantastic time and I was beginning to get angry at myself for suspecting anything was amiss. (Thank god I didn?t listen to myself and kept on snooping).

Ultimately, he left you no other option but to ask him to leave, you really had to, for your own peace of mind. I kicked my H out for a month, 1) It allowed me to think what I wanted and 2) it burst the fantasy bubble he had been living in. The OW/OM gets the best of them, you need to take everything that enables that away. It came to me one day that the clothes he was looking so good in and stripping off to shag were the very clothes that I had bought, washed and ironed - silly I know but it made me so fucking mad.
In that time I went to see a solicitor about divorce, sorted out my finances. I put a stop on our joint savings account, so we both had to be signatories to withdraw any monies. Had the house valued and also arranged individual counselling, although never went, because we went to Relate instead - think perhaps I should of gone but that's another story. In short, I sorted myself out, so I knew what I was up against and that I could cope if I had too. It also sends a very strong you fucked up, I?m not standing for it message. In the first few weeks we had very little contact except for him seeing the children, I refused to talk about it when he was about. I told him I did not want to have to deal with his guilt or see crocodile tears. I shut down and dealt with it all very coldly, as if it was not happening to me. It was the only way I could cope, of course once he?d gone, I?d collapse in a heap but I was determined he wasn?t going to see that. He had made his choice, now I was making mine.

God lord, did I say I had nothing to add . I?ll shut up now?
He needs to know that you are not going to stand for being 2nd best, you are worth so much more than that.
He needs to start putting right all the damage he has done and that?s by his actions as well as his words and only you know if that?s enough or if its too little too late.
And if he doesn?t do this then you will cope, we are so much stronger than we think we are.

I know we are not supposed too but {{hugs}}.

Fantastic greyriver.

Again, please follow the advice of these wise people.

To be nosy, where do you think he will live now?

ASsoonAS...said... It came to me one day that the clothes he was looking so good in and stripping off to shag were the very clothes that I had bought, washed and ironed - silly I know but it made me so fucking mad

I remember that feeling too!!! Now? that twat don't look so good wink: hehe

awww i messed up on the wink face :-(

[ wink ]

but without the spaces

Greyriver, I hope you're able to get some comfort from your sister's support tonight. So sorry that you've been through this- FWIW I think you've done the right thing in telling people. You need the support, and your H has no right to expect you to keep his sordid secrets for him.

I expect he's crying because, now that your mutual friends know about his affair, they are unlikely to offer to put him up . He was probably expecting to be able to trot along to his pals with stories about how badly you were treating him or somesuch, and now that everyone knows the truth his options are much more limited. I very much doubt whether OW's parents are going to accommodate the married man who's been cheating on his wife with their daughter. (I'd be half tempted to send the car valet bill to her house c/o her parents as well- not that that would help at all). Don't let him have the car, BTW- don't cause yourself and the children inconvenience so he can shag OW in a slightly warmer place than the back alleys they'll now need to resort to.

Think about protecting yourself financially- do you have joint accounts that he could clear out, do you have access to savings?

Stay strong- take the time that you need. He'll probably start acting sorry so he can stay in the house and bide his time while he figures out a long term escape plan.

greyriver - Am so very, very sorry that this has happened to you. Can remember the discovery of my dp's infidelity and deception! I went through every emotion:- shock, grief, despair, disbelief (this was because he never stopped telling me that he loved me ), overwhelming sadness and misery!

Give yourself some time now before you make any long-term decisions but follow the practical advice on here!

Take care of yourself and your family - at least you now know what was causing the problems between you and H! Wasn't anything to do with you but yet another man who thought that the grass was greener!

Well done grey. Wow. That shows so much strength.

Surround yourself with the love and care you need right now, can anyone come and help you with the DC's for a few days? Your mum? A friend? If you can stand to ignore his calls it might help to let your voice mail pick them up for a while... you don't need to listen to him cry honey, it's not your fault and it will only make you feel bad, which you have no business being made to feel x