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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

438 replies

greyriver · 19/02/2012 22:20

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes Hmm and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDraco · 20/02/2012 14:33

Well done, OP!!

It must have been very hard for you to do that. But you have made the first step. And having RL support will help you immensely.

whoknowsme · 20/02/2012 14:34

Whichever way this goes from here on in, you have done the right thing.

You have been strong

You have been dignified and shown respect for yourself

Once there is some distance between the two of you, both of you will be able to think more clearly about what his actions mean in terms of the future.

Just bear in mind that when he says that he wants to be honest from now on, he perhaps means he wants you to believe whatever he tells you because he can't handle you knowing the whole truth as it makes him look and therefore feel bad.

You decide what happens from now on and "you can't promise anything", should he ask you to take him back.

flywiththecrows · 20/02/2012 14:35

Good for you greyriver.

Now start writing that list and start marking off those achievements :)

already you seem stronger

xx

SlightlyJaded · 20/02/2012 14:35

OP. First off - You are blindsided and you have to believe that the way you feel now is not how you you will feel in a few weeks/months. Right now, you think you want your marriage to work out but actually what you want, is to turn the clock back and make it go away. You can't. In a while you may feel very differently about wanting to be with him, but right now it is completely understandable that you would be hoping for things to 'go back to how they were' - however naive that may sound, and I understand that you are looking for glimmers of hope.

It's easy for us to give you 'get tough' advice - we are not in your shoes. But many of us have been and the reason we are saying 'stop looking for the glimmers of hope' is because this puts you in a weak position.

He should be looking for glimmers of hope. He isn't.

The absolute only chance you have of ever saving this marriage (and I don't believe you will want to once the shock has worm off, but accept that you do right now) is to kick him out.

The reason he is smitten with OW is because he was having a rosy existence. Take away his security and the time he spends with OW won't be so perfect because his head will be full of doubt about what you are doing to/are you going to have him back/has he thrown it all away/where will he life etc. Suddenly with the perfect double life sullied, time with OW will not be so blissful.

Then he may come crawling

By then you may have seen him for what he is.

But until he is on his hands and knees - you have to shock him with your strength, dignity and resolve.

We will all be here and you must tell everyone you know. The minute this becomes 'real' and his true colours are revealed, things will feel different and you will stronger and more in control.

Please please take action OP. We are all so Angry for you

LifeMovesOn · 20/02/2012 14:35

I should add that I kicked his sorry ass the hell out of my life. Tried to kill myself (what a loonBlush) and then discovered my backbone.

His mistress, on heating from him when I told him to shove off, told him in no uncertain terms he was just her plaything to relieve her bored nights, spend hundreds of pounds our of our joint bank account on his sordid little gifts for her - and then lost two jobs since she was a client and therefore instant dismissal.

I can laugh now - took a long time - but ending it was the best thing I could honestly have done. I have dignity, pride and self esteem. You will too, don't rush it, just deal with each breath as it comes, look after yourself and your children.

Keep your friends and family close xx

SlightlyJaded · 20/02/2012 14:36

Sorry OP. X posted

Well done :)

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 20/02/2012 14:40

Well done - that took a lot of strength.

You are not done crying - you are just a bit shocked/numb right now. It's a roller coaster - when you need to cry, cry - when you are feeling numb/strong do what needs to be done. There's always plenty.

Show him you mean business. Make sure you have an account he can't access and get the CB put into that, do the papers for CSA. Ask him where he wants his mail sent to. Be firm & strong.

You cannot rebuild your relationship from where you are now - so either way you need to build new foundations.

Don't be scared - either way, you will be OK, promise.

blackcurrants · 20/02/2012 14:42

Oh Grey, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Make it your job today to tell someone you love and trust in RL. Their reaction will help you, I'm sure. We are all agape with how horribly he is treating you, but you're still believing him when he says it's your fault. Even though, as has been observed, he has a LOT of form for lying.

But tell your sister, your best friend, someone you get on with - and watch them be horrified, upset and angry for you - and it will help. You might start getting a sense of your own feelings, which seem to have been smothered under the shock and upset of this revelation.

I'm so sorry this is happening. What a shit he is, to do this to your children. To do this to YOU. Don't put up with "I'm not sure how I feel, I need to blaaaah" - he promised to love and cherish YOU and you alone, forsaking all others. He's betrayed your trust, his own vows, and the family you built together. You get to set the terms from here on.

mountaingirl · 20/02/2012 14:43

Well done Grey! i have just read both of your threads and agree with all the other posters.

You need to show him that you won't put up with his betrayal. Kicking him out and making him face reality is the best thing. Tell your dc he is away on business if you have to. Don't yell at him in front of them when he comes back for his things. In fact pack them and put them on the doorstep and bolt the door. Once he realises he cannot have his cake and eat it, then maybe he will realise what he really wants and if it isn't you then at least you will know.

Do not let him blame you for his affair, he chose to have one. At the moment he is in the lust phase and everything is exciting with her and you are the nagging mother figure. Shake his world up like he has done to you. Do not let him walk all over you. If life with you wasn't good he should have been a man and talked to you not had an affair.

Good luck. Be strong and from now on make sure things are on your terms not his.

blackcurrants · 20/02/2012 14:43

oops massive x-post!

Well done, greyriver. It doesn't feel like it, I know, but this is the start of you healing.

[hugs]

LiarsWife · 20/02/2012 15:10

Keep us posted Greyriver and let us know how you are coping x

Original poster
greyriver · 20/02/2012 15:13

hes just phoned me to say he knows I've been telling a few people...he had to hang up because he started to cry uncontrollably ...

well either way whatever happens, yes I do need space now, and good god thank you all again for your advice my goodness, how right its all been from the start xx

This really has given me the most unimaginable amount of courage and strength being here, thank you all so so much

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 20/02/2012 15:16

Hang in there. I would try not to answer the phone to him right now if you can avoid it. He can deal with his own feelings himself.

OhdearNigel · 20/02/2012 15:23

Get angry, GreyRiver. It's a far more constructive emotion than sadness and it will help you through and help you deal with what you need to do.

Be angry for the shabby way that this man is treating you
Be angry for what he has done to your DCs
Be angry for the complete lack of respect he has for you

Clytaemnestra · 20/02/2012 15:23

"hes just phoned me to say he knows I've been telling a few people...he had to hang up because he started to cry uncontrollably ..."

That's what made him cry? Not that you asked him to leave, but that you told other people what a piece of cheating scum he is? That's a pretty clear indication right there of where you sit in relation to his ego.

You're being so strong and doing so well. Hope your sister looks after you tonight.

Clytaemnestra · 20/02/2012 15:28

Actually, not even where you stand. He's more upset that you have told people that he is a cheat than he is about NOT LIVING WITH HIS CHILDREN ANY MORE.

Try and keep that in mind next time he cries.

LittlePebble · 20/02/2012 15:37

Well done grey so pleased you took the first step was trying to write a post this morning but lost Internet. Sorry that you're going through all of this but well done for taking back control of your life.
I had a similar experience with an ex and please whatever you do DO NOT allow him to make YOU feel guilty. Every time he tries to make out you have done something that hurts (e.g. Telling friends/family/children) just calmly ask him what he thought would be the end result when he decided to sleep with someone else and remind him that it is his choices that have resulted in this not yours. You must not allow him to make you feel guilty I cannot stress this enough!
Good luck and keep posting x

ISayHolmes · 20/02/2012 15:40

Have been reading from the beginning and just wanted to chime in and say that you're doing incredibly well.

You may already be prepared for this but his tears and upset may change abruptly to anger, finger-pointing and other such behaviour. The ability of people in these situations to rationalise what is happening so it favours them is astonishing. The moments of realisation and clarity are usually few and far between, and are often more about what they have lost than how they have hurt their spouse. It can be sudden and very shocking if they return to what I like to think of as the "party line" (I had an affair because of xxx reason, this is so hard for me, you did this, lines like that) when their attitude seems to have changed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that he may not sway from this line of thinking, and while things like these may shake him a bit he could keep returning to it over and over again to justify what is happening. I hope this isn't the case, but steel yourself anyway.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety · 20/02/2012 15:48

I packed stbexDHs bags too the day that I found out. I think at the time it was mainly for the sake on my own sanity and (therefore stability of our children). It took me a few months to stop loveing him (not that I let him know that as he was behaving atrociously).
Even if your separation may not be permanent I think you will feel less panic about everything if you seek legal advice, find out how much you would get from child tax credits etc and just get some options for the futire in mind that way.

Good luck and sorry this has happened.

Pharoahnuff · 20/02/2012 15:50

he was waiting for YOU to make HIS mind up for him - vair common
he will try and come back a few times - dont let him

flywiththecrows · 20/02/2012 16:01

do not indulge his 'poor me' phone calls.

He's clutching at straws to keep the upper hand.

He thought he could control you in this, your defiance has shocked him.

Good girl.

It will be tough but a big fat pat on the back for you so far.

Keep talking to us if it makes you feel better

Jux · 20/02/2012 16:04

He thinks that because he forced you to make the decision, then it's not something he needs to reproach himself with, and he thinks he has come out the good guy. Tosser.

kodachrome · 20/02/2012 16:10

Well done OP.

He's crying because the consequences of what he's done have started to catch up with him - it's tears for himself - oh people are going to know what he's done, his dirty little secret is out and his comfy home life isn't open to him.

Let your friends and family support you.

AnAirOfHope · 20/02/2012 16:22

Good on you for taking action. I'm rooting for you and your fab new life ((hugs))

AnAirOfHope · 20/02/2012 16:31

You have the strength and courage to over come this with dignaty and with the love and warmth from your friends and family.

Roll with the emotions that follow but dont show them to him as he does not deserve anything from you now. Do not comfort him or feel sorry for him - give it all to your children who really need it.

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