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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

438 replies

greyriver · 19/02/2012 22:20

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/02/2012 20:32

"isn't a man hater"

funnily enough, some of us think enough of men that we don't excuse them for bad behaviour, we happen to fully expect them to act as a decent member of society and not fuck over the women they have promised to cherish

infantilising men, and rationalizing their fuck-ups for them doesn't show respect for men, very far from it

prm77 · 21/02/2012 20:37

You have all advocated her controlling him entering the home! I thought I'd bring some balance to this thread but everybody just jumps on you if you don't agree with the majority of posters. The language you use about men and the terms you use suggest you think very little about men.

maleview70 · 21/02/2012 20:39

Prm I actually applaud you for what you did.

It's easy to blame the other party totally but it takes guts to admit your part in it and do something about it.

flywiththecrows · 21/02/2012 20:40

prm77 please respect how far greyriver has come in 48 hours, please don't make this a fight thread.

greyriver, I am so proud of you (weird that I don't even know you) and if I'm being honest I practically punched the air when I read your line 'i can't promise anything'

Keep hold of that grin inside you, you have support from all of us

LiarsWife · 21/02/2012 20:44

Go greyriver .. You will feel better now you have gained some control .. :)

AnyFucker · 21/02/2012 20:45

I think very little of men like this yes

prm77 · 21/02/2012 20:48

As I said maleview70 the way I dealt with infidelity isn't for everybody but it worked for us. I am so glad you see this. I am absolutely not trying to cause upset but show that divorce isnt always the right thing to do. Im sorry if this doesn't sit well with everybody.

SlightlyJaded · 21/02/2012 20:49

PRM I am not a 'man hater'

If DH had an affair and I said
"look this is half my fault for getting fat. Come home, I'll lose weight an get some cracking new underwear"

I would effectively be saying

"I think you are so thick that you genuinely can't see past a pert bottom and a pair of lacy knickers, therefore you are not to blame for having an affair, as you are too stupid to have fully understood what is at stake"

I credit DH with more intelligence than that.

That's not to say that when a marriage is healing, there can't be changes and concessions on both sides, but a mum focusing on her DC (as you say you were) or even neglecting her DHs emotional needs is no excuse for an affair, and suggesting that a woman 'letting herself go' is in any way justification, simply gives the misogynists of this world the belief that they are somehow excused.

And this is not helpful to Grey who was waivering only 24 hours ago, and needs to put herself clearly in a position of strength. Not doubt

oikopolis · 21/02/2012 20:58

prm how did you get it into your head that this whole thread is about getting the OP to divorce?

it's not. it's quite obviously about helping her find a place of self-respect and honour, after those things were taken from her by the actions of another human being.

yes, you frame your own self-blame as "avoiding the agony of divorce" (or something), but the fact is, most people would frame it as you behaving in a way that is faintly pathetic, quite misogynistic, and completely infantilizing of men.

The OP is going to be OK because she is focusing on the right thing: her own self-respect.

You clearly focused on something else, and that appears to have worked for you in the short term, but i think anyone who's got this in the right perspective would agree that self-respect is a superior goal when someone has done you wrong. and working for self-respect is a long-term solution. not a band aid.

please bow out of this thread if you're going to insist on making it about you rather than the op. i actually mean that kindly. this probably comes across as v blunt, but in fact i sympathise with you because it appears you don't understand how you're coming across here.

prm77 · 21/02/2012 21:00

It really wasn't as simplistic as you're making out slightly jaded. Sometimes a marriage becomes stale, sometimes people cheat, sometimes you have to say 'ok we are in this together let's sort it out because we still love each other'. By becoming a more attentive wife whilst remaining loving towards the DC and my husband becoming my best friend again and more involved father it has worked.

Dozer · 21/02/2012 21:01

Prm, no-one is advocating preventing the DH from entering the joint home, but rather requesting time and space so that grey can consider what she wants to do and, during that time, the DC can remain at home with their primary carer.

Should he insist on staying in the home, that would not be an indicator that he respects grey and cares about her feelings right now.

Xales · 21/02/2012 21:11

Most people on here have said ask him to give you space to work out what you want be that a way to make your marriage work or divorce. Not kick him out and take everything including his scraggy pants.

OP deserves the respect and space to make the decisions for herself without him in her face reminding her of it all the time.

Glad that tarting yourself up makes you feel better and makes you feel that your marriage is worth while.

One of the most beautifully stunning, tall, slim, attractive, intelligent, constantly well turned woman I know was cheated on by her husband multiple times.

Plenty of women on here don't understand why their H has cheated with someone older, or fatter or less attractive than they are sometimes letting yourself go has naff all to do with it.

prm77 · 21/02/2012 21:16

I am in no way justifying my dh's behaviour but simply explaining what happened...I really hope grey makes a decision that works for her and her children's future. Thank you all for your feedback.

SlightlyJaded · 21/02/2012 21:23

prm I wasn't suggesting it was that simple. I was just trying to demonstrate how it is not 'man hating' to credit men with being intelligent enough to see beyond the superficial.

And yes I agree that much later on, should you decide to try to reconcile, you need to look at all the contributing factors to the affair. I suspect that this is what you were trying to say but I am afraid that it did not come across in that way at all.

I am going to stop being side-tracked now.

Grey you are doing amazingly well. Keep strong, use your friends, family and MN to lean on and hang in there x

pointythings · 21/02/2012 21:24

prm77 you sound a bit surrendered to me, and that whole thing really hasn't taken off here in the UK - fortunately.

There is no excuse for cheating. None. At. All.

clam · 21/02/2012 21:34

prm if you're still lurking, can I just remind you how this thread began?

Are you really suggesting she be told to get to the gym, put some lippy on and buy new undies and that that will sort it?

clam · 21/02/2012 21:37

And, for the record, a few of us have acknowledged how it's clear she still loves him and wants him back. We've told her quite plainly that her only chance of that happening is to get tough on him. She seems to be doing that and, oh look, he's crawling back already. Not sure I'd stop digging the hole under the patio for him yet, but that's going to be down to grey herself.

prm77 · 21/02/2012 21:41

Not surrendered at all. Happy that my family is still together.

prm77 · 21/02/2012 21:49

Lurking? If you read my first thread you'll see I read every page of this. I am not suggesting that grey do these things I'm saying you BOTH have to make changes if you're going to rebuild your marriage. Sometimes if your self esteem is rock bottom you have to sort yourself out to regain some control over the situation. Personally I felt much more powerful to negotiate looking better and feeling better.

clam · 21/02/2012 22:00

You said you were bowing out of the thread. Sometimes people who say that stop actually posting, but nonetheless continue to read (or lurk) on the thread. That's what I meant.

LittlePebble · 21/02/2012 22:03

Grey just wanted to say well done for taking control back. I hope that you do take time now to think, once the shock wears off things can often look so different.
I would be wary as anyfucker said of giving him rewards for his behaviour by weekends away etc.
I'm surprised how often the cheater can try to turn their bad behaviour into a positive by stating that the relationship is better afterwards because of the affair.
If you do get back together and make things work it would have to be better than what you've got now or you wouldn't stay so it seems a stupid justification for a breech of trust.
Hope you're friends are giving you lots of support tonight.
Do the DC's know what's happened?

prm77 · 21/02/2012 22:03

But you all keep making comments! Please don't think I'm weak or subservient I'm a normal wife who wanted to keep the love of my life. End of story.

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/02/2012 22:05

PRM - if its about looking good, how do you explain the fact that many beautiful slim celebs e,g Cheryl Cole have been cheated on??

prm77 · 21/02/2012 22:16

I didn't say it's all about looking good. Dear god. I was explaining what happened and how I made some changes.

QueenCess · 21/02/2012 22:24

prm77- you have sold yourself short IMO. Woman as object.

Greyriver - you are handling this so well. The advice on here has been excellent.

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