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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

438 replies

greyriver · 19/02/2012 22:20

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes Hmm and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 21/02/2012 17:11

Grey it is really affirming to see you being guided by all the advice you are receiving here. I am so glad that you posted on MN for advice because I honestly think that it has changed the course of your behaviour and potentially the rest of your life.

On that basis, keep posting - every time you are in doubt, feeling weak, unsure if it is 'time to forgive' etc - whatever you are feeling because I know everyone will be rooting for you regardless of what it is you decide you want in the long run.

For the time being though, stay strong/focused and removed.

Watch, don't listen

You are finally in the driving seat instead of on the back foot. Good

Original poster
greyriver · 21/02/2012 17:45

Hello to my page of strength, he's just nipped back and got his stuff and gone. unfortunately he's had an issue as our mutual friends wife has just said she wont let him stay at their house, the grin inside my body was immesne ;) so he is off to another mates house now...

Had another brief chat, asked me how i was, I said I felt terrible, he said just remember none of this is your fault, I did this and i feel terrible, I've upset your family, our friends and more importantly you.

Just before he left he said please don't let your friends talk you into leaving me, I said I am my own person and I will do what I think is best....but i cant promise anything

anyfucker - havent done it yet but I am going to thanks also for all your advice

thanks to everyone again i wish i could reply to everything individually but I kept getting dragged away from the computer by my children!

I am currently feeling very strong, no pounding heart, and lots of support. Massively long road ahead but I honestly think this thread has saved the 'potential' to maybe save my marriage if i want to. Will see what tomorrow brings I guess x

OP posts:
Original poster
greyriver · 21/02/2012 17:46

that is such a good point regard the weekends away anyfucker

didn't think if it like that x

OP posts:
Original poster
greyriver · 21/02/2012 17:50

she text him are you ok
I made him reply in front of me for a little piece of mind he's finished it
he pressed send and said he will save all future messages if he gets any from her (he thinks he will get more) he said he wont respond to any of them and will save them for me to look at them all. I said if he lies and i find out different that will be it.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 21/02/2012 18:10

I think you are feeling strong because you are in control of the situation, well done for doing so well as I know how hard it must have been for you.

prm77 · 21/02/2012 18:16

Hi there - I've read through this thread and several things trouble me. Firstly, I've been there and believe me it's not easy to forgive somebody for something like this, but I find there's a tenancy on MN for it to become a witch-hunt. As you state yourself, when you and he went away for the weekend everything was great between you. You are making time for each other. When he was with the OW, she's young has time for him, makes him feel appreciated. The thing with men is that they are easy to handle when you make them feel special and wanted. The problem in my marriage was that all the love that had been between my DH and I was transferred to our DC on my behalf which left my husband kind of nowhere. He felt like he had lost his wife. Infidelity is never as black and white as it seems and there are 2 people in a marriage. I wanted my husband still, I certainly didn't want to lose our beautiful house, I didn't want to put my children in childcare and get a job, I didn't want to have to borrow money from my parents, go through the heartache and destruction of divorce. I wanted none of it. So I lost weight, sorted out my clothes, got my hair restyled, got some self-esteem, organised babysitters and made time for my marriage. I stopped confronting my husband every time he came home from work with a myriad of problems which consequently ended in a row, we talk now, have a glass of wine, go out for the evening. He had an affair with a 24 year old paralegal in his office, beautiful girl with all the time in world and a wardrobe of La Perla. It broke my heart but I wasn't going to let this girl destroy our life. If you're serious about it and don't want to lose your life do everything you can to keep it together. But he's has to be serious too and if you feel he's halfway out the door and he's heart isn't in it then maybe a separation might be for the best. I'm sharing what worked for me and 3 years down the line we couldn't be happier and my husband loves his new wife. Good luck.

clam · 21/02/2012 18:18

Love the fact that you echoed back to him his own phrase, "I can't promise anything."

yellowraincoat · 21/02/2012 18:22

Oh GOD prm77, are you serious? You think the "girl" destroyed your life? No, it was your partner. It wasn't your lack of sexy knickers or your weight, it was your cheating scumbag of a partner.

I am all for both sides making effort in a relationship, but why do you feel the need to truss yourself up like the proverbial Christmas turkey in order to please your man?

My mind boggles.

olgaga · 21/02/2012 18:24

Well done greyriver, you have taken control, and it sounds like the consequences are starting to hit home for him now. Wishing lots of strength your way.

I second the suggestion about STD testing - it will certainly emphasise the seriousness of what he has done.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/02/2012 18:26

prm77
So your logic is that if a man forgets his marital vows he doesn't need to change, its his wife Hmm

Well I hope you don't get old or put on weight or become ill or anything because after all you would no longer be "his new wife" so it would be ok for him to do it again.

Please go and get yourself some self esteem to go with the sexy knickers!

olgaga · 21/02/2012 18:32

prm77

I'm sure you benefitted from your "makeover" but it's awful to hear how you had to do it for your husband, to save your marriage, rather than for yourself.

I know you're saying "think of what you might lose", but it's not a one-way street. Trust has to be restored before any process of reconciliation to start - and it's not the wronged party who needs to earn the trust.

AnyFucker · 21/02/2012 18:34

prm , I am really glad your marriage is back on track

however, turning yourself into a Stepford wife and letting your cheating husband off the hook is not going to stop him the next time he fancies a young bit of skirt, I am afraid. I wish you well though, and your advice might have been welcomed by grey only 48 hours ago.

Just before he left he said please don't let your friends talk you into leaving me, I said I am my own person and I will do what I think is best....but i cant promise anything

lovin' that

AnyFucker · 21/02/2012 18:36

there is a thread of grey steel runnin' through that river Smile

QuintessentialyHollow · 21/02/2012 18:37

So in actual fact prm77 you are willing to put on sexy knickers, undermine yourself, and play a role to keep your lovely home. There are words for this, you know. Wink

I get the feeling greyriver have lots of confidence and strenght so will think carefully before taking any advice as gospel.

prm77 · 21/02/2012 18:42

Oh god no it wasn't a one-sided thing. We had serious marriage counselling, he had to prove his commitment to me and the children. He told me why he was attracted to another woman. Let's be honest most men are attracted to other women anyway and if things are going awry at home sometimes it's an easy option. No I don't truss myself up but I sure take a lot more pride in my appearance and make sure I'm not just thinking about what makes ME happy. As I stated this option isn't for everyone however I valued my life and my family too much to let it be ruined. I knew M (my DH) and I knew the 'fling' wasn't serious. If I had kicked him out he would be on his own and I would have been on my own. Our home up for sale, the price split, the family torn apart. I could not and would not do this. How is that good when children are involved? with regards to weight loss, I had let myself go after the children and needed to lose weight for better health if nothing else.

oikopolis · 21/02/2012 18:42

prm77 start saving, you never know when a debilitating illness or a bit of aging might strike, and your DH has proven that he will stand for nothing but the most perfect of Stepford wives...

you'll need the best consultants and surgeons money can buy if you're going to keep him interested until your dying day

Inertia · 21/02/2012 18:45

Prm77 - what a recipe for success! So your H has an affair, gets to keep his lovely family and home and the money he'd have had to pay in maintenance/ legal fees/ second household, his wife absolved him of all blame for his affair and remodels herself to meet his approval, his wife does all the organising to reward him with weekends away , and she deals with all the household crap so that he doesn't have to worry his important manly head with it. Presumably he's learned from this that he can happily shag beautiful younger women as much as he likes because it results in his home life getting a hell of a lot easier.

yellowraincoat · 21/02/2012 18:45

Most men are attracted to other women and most women are attracted to other men. However, it seems that when it all goes to shit it's the woman donning the sexy underwear to keep her man.

Tis nonsense.

prm77 · 21/02/2012 18:57

Why is everybody so aggressive about nice lingerie? You're completely missing the point. He does help out at home, always has done, I am not the one who deals with the 'household crap' as you put it. I didn't remodel myself just rediscovered the 'me' from before the children came along. I used to be a Size 10 always took care of myself but had gone up to a 16/18 and felt awful always in leggings and baggy tops trying to hide my tummy. Marriage is a 2-way thing you have to do some changing too if you are to move forward. M changed a lot of things and so did I and thankfully life is a lot better for everybody. Please don't be bitter towards me.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/02/2012 19:05

prm77 - lets just say that I think your sense of timing is off. We have an OP who has just had her relationship smashed in two by her cheating husband and I think she needs some time to come to terms with that. I think there is a risk that your posts suggest she is somehow to blame for the fact that her (D)H chose to stick his dick in another woman.

If there are problems in your marriage do you
a) work with your partner to solve them
or
b) shag someone else (and then hint that its partly the partners fault)

AnyFucker · 21/02/2012 19:05

prm why would you think we are bitter towards you ?

we feel a bit sorry for you, tbh Sad

now let's not derail this thread for grey which is turning into a fantastic support thread for her

Bobyan · 21/02/2012 20:08

Are you a 1950's housewife style blow up doll prm77?

Dozer · 21/02/2012 20:14

Am another one who thinks you could do with some space and that DH needs to be away from home for at least a month or two, minimal contact except to arrange practicalities and access to DC, with no guarantee or indeed hint of a return.

His actions then will speak volumes.

Shock at his plans for the summer, presumptuous and cocky! Like you should be bending over backwards to win him back, being tested - not only should you forgive him immediately, you should reform yourself to give him more attention and give him the summer of his dreams!

With respect to the sexual health checks, don't ask DH about his plans, since that could imply that you will have sex with him again!

He must also not be allowed to get away with the "our marriage had problems" "we just need to focus more on our relationship" subtle wife-blaming chesnut-bullshit. The book that's often mentioned on here talks about the partner giving themselves permission to have an affair and a way to justify it by undermining the marriage.

prm77 · 21/02/2012 20:26

Legally this lady's husband has every right to enter the house. If it's jointly owned by him she has no right to stop him. If there's only 40k equity, the house is mostly owned by the bank anyway. You should be careful advising people To do things that are not legally supported. And p.s I'm not a 1950s blow up doll just somebody who sees the bigger picture and isn't a man hater.

clam · 21/02/2012 20:31

Who are you implying is a man-hater, prm?
I most certainly am not, but I'm very Angry at the way grey's h has behaved. No one has told her not to allow him to enter the house, but just to remove the "welcome" mat that he might otherwise expect to see.