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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shall I contact or text?

156 replies

iofficiallygiveup · 17/02/2012 18:29

I have been seeing someone for a couple of months, we had a chat about whether we were going to be exclusive and both said we would think about it, there is a few complications, I have dc, he doesnt and obviously I can't always be available for nights out etc.

Anyway last night was one such night, he went out and I had a little look at his FB (I know, I know Blush. On there around 10.00 pm he made friends with a woman and she immediately left a VERY flirty message. I did not hear from him all evening and have not heard from him today, this is very unsual for us as we are constantly texting and chatting.

So I think I have been dumped haven't I? My mate says ring him but I really don't want to to be honest, it seems he is just one of those that moves on without a word and I feel it is keeping my dignity to just retire in silence and dignity. So what do you all think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iofficiallygiveup · 17/02/2012 23:45

" I'd not be accepting any pissing about once the relationship got physical tbh. I don't cheat and I don't share."

Well this is what brought up the "exclusive" convo. He said to ME that he hoped I wasn't seeing anyone else the way we were and I said I don't do that, do you? He said no and the we gave each other big soppy smiles and had a little convo about exclusivity, which we didn't confirm but did confirm we wouldn't be shagging anyone else in the meantime.

Thing is we have a mutual friend, I probably won't have to see him again but I don't want mutual friend hearing anything about me reacting negatively iywim?

OP posts:
KRITIQ · 18/02/2012 00:01

Glad to have made you smile. Smiling is good!

Best revenge is always to live well and be happy despite someone being shitty towards you. I would do nothing, just leave it. If the mutual friend asks how things are going (and remember, he/she could be asking indirectly on behalf of this loser, so beware,) just say "it wasn't working." It's certainly the truth.

HoudiniHissy · 18/02/2012 00:44

Oh move on OP, he's playing about. You have kids to think of, he's still a dick head. you can't be doing with this.

HoudiniHissy · 18/02/2012 00:45

He wants YOU to promise that you won't be with anyone else and then HE goes AWOL?

Na-ah.

I see double standards and a whole lot of cheek

Original poster
Iofficiallygiveup · 18/02/2012 09:46

Feel a bit better today, though that tends to come and go. Usually I tend to blame myself for things like this and wonder what I did wrong and go over and over what I could have said or done to put him off. Today I realise even if I had been a complete knob I still would have deserved a "I am not taking this any further" text or call after a couple of months. Obviously that may come in the next day or two but I won't even respond. Have stopped looking at his FB too because thats making me Angry.

So onwards and upwards. I won't say a word about it to our mutual friend, who is actually more my friend than his so he won't know if I have told him how poorly he has behaved.

Thanks for taking the time to reply to this. MN cannot be beaten for counselling through relationship stuff. Years ago I would have been angsting over this for weeks and trying to find out "WHY?!" and "what did I dooooooooo?!" Grin

I still Officially Give Up though!

OP posts:
pennypencil · 18/02/2012 18:38

why let this jerk make you give up Shock don't do that.

first relationship breakup after divorce/separation is always the hardest, but it'll get easier and there will be others along so don't worry about that.

sorry about this guy though, have had similar so I know where you're coming from. just be kind to yourself, don't contact him just delete him and then when he contacts you, as he is eventually likely to, you can decide what to do then
(with our help Grin )

ImperialBlether · 18/02/2012 19:41

The thing is that if you don't get in touch with him, you are actually dumping him. That's fine - not criticising - just see it in that way, rather than him dumping you.

Original poster
iofficiallygiveup · 18/02/2012 19:51

Well I like the sound of that IB but don't really understand how? He has dumped me by stopping the contact hasn't he?

Still heard nothing, I feel like crap but it will get better each day, obviously have been here before. Seeing his grinning face on FB doesn't help Angry but I will not delete him, will not let him and anyone else who knows us that he has bothered me so much.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 18/02/2012 19:53

Think about it.

Neither of you has contacted the other, right? Who's to say he's dumped you?

Don't misunderstand me; I don't think you should contact him. But you haven't contacted him, have you?

Original poster
iofficiallygiveup · 18/02/2012 19:53

pennypencil I honestly don't think I can do this again. I know everyone says that but I took two years out to get over everything and come to relationships with a fresh persective, two months in and I am crushed again, well not that bad, I will get over it but I don't think I can find it in myself to try again.

OP posts:
Original poster
iofficiallygiveup · 18/02/2012 19:54

No, not since that night, I was the last one to message though, during the day before I saw the FB Flirty Comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
iofficiallygiveup · 18/02/2012 19:56

It is my birthday next week and I am pretty sure I will get a "Happy Birthday" from him if nothing else, how do I respond to that, if it happens? Just ignore? I don't want to give him the chance to open up any dialogue with me, I don't need to hear I have been dumped thanks and as you say it could be construed as either of us doing the dumping at the moment.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 18/02/2012 19:58

If he sends a Happy Birthday message, just reply with 'Thanks'.

Your last text - was it a text that expected a reply? Did you ask him a question?

I'm sorry you feel so bad. It's a really horrible time for you. Do you get the chance to go out with friends?

Original poster
iofficiallygiveup · 18/02/2012 20:01

No, no question, thankfully, just saying have a good night and telling him what I was up to in response to his question. Didn't expect him to have THAT good a night!

I do get the chance to go out but my babysitting favours have all been used up recently to see him! Angry so I am basically sat at home feeling like crap! But as I say I have been here before and I know it will pass, I am quite sensible like that, don't tend to wallow but you just get the odd moment don't where you feel utterly, utterly crap.

He is an arse for doing it like this isn't he?

OP posts:
something2say · 18/02/2012 20:01

Awww not to worry, giveup, its always rubbish at the beginning, but you'll get used to it. There are loads of lovely men, and its exciting to meet a new guy and start the rollercoaster. You just sound hurt. In fact, bowl about saying exactly as you are saying, that you're fed up with it all, and then that will soon change I'm sure.

Not very nice of him is it, to just go off and not contact you. I should imagine he knows he did wrong, and it regretting letting that woman flirt openly on his page, when every probably knows he had met someone already.....and you are well right NOT to mention to the mutual friends, I like your style under fire. ;)

There are two things wrong with this whole scenario 1) he took 2 months to disprove himself and there was that moment where you had 'the discussion' and the smiling - and 2) you are still a bit raw from only just getting into it.

Original poster
iofficiallygiveup · 18/02/2012 20:08

See I am wondering if he let her do that and didn't hide the update as a way to let me know I was dumped and to backtrack on the exclusive convo. Its a bit humiliating actually. Mutual friend messaged me on FB today to ask if I had seen ex Two Month Man recently and that make me think he knows what has happened and is thinking WTF? I just replied saying "not recently" and nothing else. Enigmatic enough?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 18/02/2012 20:08

I think it must be really difficult to have a relationship with someone who doesn't have children, if your own are small. It's inevitable that they're going to want to go out a lot more and of course there are dangers with that happening.

I know you're hurt now and I don't blame you. I would be, too. Is there anyone you can call on who'll come round and drown your sorrows with you?

Original poster
iofficiallygiveup · 18/02/2012 20:10

No, not really, I will be ok. My dc have been delightful today giving loads of kisses and cuddles and whenever they do I think how lucky I am to have them and that I have nothing to complain about.

OP posts:
fluffylegs · 18/02/2012 20:14

He's a dick. That's no way to behave.

Imperial is right. You've dumped him. You're not contacting him. You are in control. These types always come sniffing back at some point. Always. By then you won't give a toss.

something2say · 18/02/2012 20:26

Yes think about men who have decent standards. I mean really, not dating someone cos they have kids and can't go out all the time? Ridiculous and immature. THEN neglecting to tell them about it and letting them find out via someone else on fb???

AdLibitum · 18/02/2012 23:35

I still think you should pull him up on it rather than tacitly and passively accept his cowardice and awful manners.

likeatonneofbricks · 18/02/2012 23:49

He's behaving like the worse kind of teenager, he should've let you know that he wasn't ready for exslusivity.
IMO it's better to date people in similar position to yours (responsibilities, children), though if he was really right for you, it wouldn't have mattered what his circumstances were. but if you are still vulnerable, don't go for young types who are still in that 'foot loose' mode.

Original poster
iofficiallygiveup · 19/02/2012 11:15

Still nothing and I feel really Angry.

I saw him on TUESDAY for goodness sake, with A LOT of effort on my part and he KNEW this. What a twat!

I am very tempted to tell him what I think but he won't care, if he cared how I felt he would have been in contact wouldn't he?

DICKHEAD!

OP posts:
Cinders22 · 19/02/2012 11:41

He is indeed a twat and I know you don't feel it at the moment but you are much better off without someone who does this to you. I think probably an email now to tell him what a twat he is will probably make you feel worse, especially if he does not reply to your rant.

Personally I would put something on his Facebook wall, let his new flirt buddy see that actually he had a girlfriend. Something non committal like "How are you? I have not heard from you since Thursday evening and having seen and heard from your regularly over the last couple of months I was wondering if all is well. xxxx" If he replies saying he is fine and wants to meet you can decide if you want to or what happens next. If he does not reply to the message he looks an even bigger twat.

In the meantime here are some very unMumsnetty (((hugs))).

BelleDameSansMerci · 19/02/2012 11:53

I have three rules about men/dating that, had I bothered to remind myself of them recently, might mean that I wouldn't also be feeling crap today...

  1. If a man wants to call you, he will. If you don't hear from him, he doesn't want to talk to you.
  1. A man should enhance your life not make it unhappy or miserable.
  1. Take note of what he does not what he says. "I love you" means nothing if his actions don't prove it.

Now, why the bloody hell did I forget the rules and put up with eight years of shite from a lying shitbag?

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