So he kissed a girl....

[MomentarilyLost]

I started a thread about discovering my husband sending dirty emails to women and then going on to discover he had signed up to dating sites, singles chat rooms and had a secret facebook account.

All this has been going on during office hours.

So through means I am not proud of I have had the confirmation he has been sleeping with someone for two years. Another girl has told me they met and kissed.

I feel sick.

I feel stupid I didnt see this coming.

and do you know what..? the bastard still denies it.

I dont know how I will get through these coming days?

My poor children, I can barely talk at the minute

Any advice on how to pull myself together would be greatly received

ML, you have to offload your misdirected guilt...it is not yours to have

the "work" he wants you to put in (hello ??? ) simply translates as STFU about my past behaviour, become Mrs Stepford, attend to my every unreasonable need, and accept I will behave how I like in the future even though it is shit

is that how you want to live ?

if that the lesson you want to teach your dc ?

I am so blessed to have such a lovely sister, she has just set the boys up with some lovely toys. So they are happy and playing with their big cousin who is loving seeing his old toys.
I have just gone outside for a cry, i am finding it hard to find the strength to see this through. I had just been thinking i really need to get some counselling Hatty. But i dont know if i really feel up to finding anything out today.
i just dont know where to start.
i often thought of starting a rainy day fund but never did anything about it. I have nothing.
i feel so tired and broken, i am struggling to pull myself together today.

ML, ask your sister to help you find out about some counselling, some financial advice and how this is doable if you want it enough

nobody, in this day and age, has to stay in a marriage that makes them so wretched

you can do it

ML Hugs to you ....just read entire thread ... really feel for you and just wanted to say, hope you have the strength now to stay firm and insist he stays away, and please now get legal advice URGENTLY. Once you've taken the first hard step, and the breakup becomes "official" it might be easier for you - you'll feel there is an end to this nightmare. You will get financial help, you will manage, you will be so much happier in a few months if you keep strong now, for your childrens sake.

I don't think you're the sort to think about your own wellbeing much, (some counseling just for you would be good at some point) but you sound a wonderful Mum who'd do anything to protect her children from harm.

So think of your children, this is best for them, they need a strong happy Mum, and you will soon be that person again when away from him. The alternative, him keep coming back and playing mind games with you, is going to be really damaging to your children long term. My children are grown up now, but I look back at some decisions I made, and see how it did affect them long term, even though i didn't think they noticed at the time.

Great that you've had so much support here,

I want to say another big thank you for all the advice and support I have received here. Back at home my babies sound asleep in there beds. I am shattered and frighten about the road ahead but I feel a sense of hope. Went to do a food shop today and discovered the bastard has wiped the accounts and has spent over £400 on online gambling over the last 3 days. I don't know where he is and I no longer care. Hasn't even thought to get in touch with the children. Bil has been in touch with his friend who is a solicitor and he said I am to call him and he will be happy to give me some advice. Deep breaths and I will have to keep digging deep to rise from this, but I will. Thank you all x

Oh poor you. The revelations about this ghastly man keep coming don't they?

Seeing a solicitor is looking like the most urgent thing you need to do, as well as getting in touch with the bank and separating your finances asap.

Have a think about making an appointment with a counsellor, although if your ex is pissing money up the wall, it will be an additional expense right now unless you can find a free service through a Women's charity.

Emotionally, the most important thing you can do for yourself and your children is to give yourself complete permission to end this relationship. That's been your biggest hurdle in all this and you need to overcome it fast.

I hope you get some peace this weekend and am thinking of you.

I've just read this thread from the beginning (well, your bits OP, I didn't read all the replies), and I think if you're still wondering what to do you should do the same.

Over two months this story been unfolding and as an outsider reading what you've written I have to urge you to get out of this relationship right now. This man will not change. He is what he is (a cheating, lying, manipulative, depressive alcoholic who needs some serious help), and he is playing you like a fiddle. Get him out of your home right now. What he does to address his issues is up to him. He is an adult who has made his choices. You are not responsible for his behaviour, nor can you change him. He is mentally ill, but it's not your responsibility to fix him or listen to his lies and self-serving justifications any longer.

Please stop trying to fix your relationship. It's beyond help. Any amount of counselling is not going to make this man into the one you once thought he was. Talk to a solicitor first thing Monday morning (you can usually get an initial half-hour consultation for free). If you don't know where to begin, go to your local Citizen's Advice Bureau.

You're a strong woman, your posts show that. You're feeling lost, but you have the advantage of that strength and what sounds like a supportive and loving family behind you. Stop allowing this vile man to manipulate you. You can't change him, but you can change your situation by taking control of it.

ML, you poor woman. Im so sorry.

Gambling, sex and alcohol all go together as a group of 'up' type activities/compulsions. He uses them to feel better about himself. He is after the 'rush' or the feeling of being 'high'. He then crashes the next day and feels wretched. With some, drugs, work or even romantic love are involved as compulsions as well. Anyway, most people like him have more than one of the activities in the mix. They often blame one activity for the other, but really they are just separate and additions compulsions which dull the same original pain, often stemming from their childhood experiences.

So he has two alternatives. One is to blame himself and take responsibility and the other is to blame you. He sees that the latter is easier, and he doesnt want to take responsibility anyway, as it means changes to his life which he is not prepared to make.

This is then further complicated by the inevitable internal dynamics of a relationship over time, where both of you in some way come to see the relationship issues as part of the problem, whereas they are just symptoms of the original problems above. 'Rushes' of romance or feeling can sometimes get involved too, in the feelings engendered by repeated break ups and new beginnings. The relationship itself becomes a cycle of highs and lows.

In this scenario the partner, ie yourself, usually has some issues in their own past which they are also trying to fix, and which leads to a need to try to fix others, and to accept what most people would not. They may themselves have a past story relating to feelings of unworthiness or neglect or feeling unloved, ie some past trauma. So they try within the current relationship to fix things, when they are really trying to fix their original problem too.

I say this because if you can get to the bottom of why you have been willing to continue to trust him and accept this treatment, you are half way to truly protecting yourself from doing it, and he will lose any unhealthy power he has over you. It will also protect you in future relationships- think how many people go from one difficult relationship to another, without meaning to.

You do know on the face of it that he is not fixable, but you need to organically and long term believe it.

Take care. And I hope you find the strength to get him out of your house and hopefully your life.

I am not going back!

I will be looking into myself to explore the possible reasons it took me so long to give up on this. But I am there and I am giving up!

Got a call and he is at his mums. I have said he can come over with his mum to see the children later. I have explained this needs to been done with his mums supervision because in all honesty I am frightened or his unpredictability.

Got to keep strong and keep going. I think I will start a thread asking for some mantras, some healthy phrases to say to help stay in a positive place.

Just checking in to ask how tonight went ML? It was a good idea to have a supervised visit, but try to work towards this being out of your home in the future, as that can be confusing for the children and your home needs to become your fortress now.

Thank you Hatty for checking in on me.

I am frazzled been a long day. They came over and took the boys to a park for a couple of hours. My daughter stayed with me (far to grown up for playing with little kids in the park) so we watch some glee together. It was nice really, apart from a song that nearly set me off crying. Kept busy when they got back,making dinner. nearly had a wobble.

Had a chat with my daughter and explained daddy will be staying at nannies for a while because he has upset me and we need some space, she didn't seem fussed. Said she can talk to me about it whenever she likes. The boys are that bit younger they were just told daddy is helping nanny out and is staying there. Expected huge upset when h left but they were good and we snuggled and watch a film and they . They haven't really mentioned daddy or seemed to miss his presence yet. I know its not facing upto things and I hope it won't cause any harm. I have yet to tackle what is best to tell the children and how best to go about it. I need to sit down with h and talk through what they will be told. I am giving myself tomorrow off from the crap to have fun with the dc before school starts back.

Did it, got through the day :)

Flagging today. I think the adrenaline from yesterday wore off and now I am having slump/low. Didn't sleep well, it was well gone 2 before I drifted off. So the nice day I had planned hasn't materialize and it is making me feel worse.
Spoke with ex today and I wish I hadn't, it makes me feel like crap. Makes me so cross to think he is off doing as he pleases with out a thought.
I wish I didn't have to give him any head space, I don't want to give him head space.
I don't know how best to handle the split with the children. And what they are best told.They love there dad to bits. This is going to break there hearts and in turn that is breaking mine.
I know people get through this but it is so painful being here right now. I have just broken down in tears in front of the children. I don't want to frighten them. I hate this

hello, ML, just checking in with you after being away for the weekend

yep, you are on that rollercoaster

the best way to deal with it is go with it

don't try and control the highs and lows, don't try and get off (because that would, at this point, mean forgiving him yet again for being the shit partner that he is)

hang on tight, find your support where you can, you will get though it

because what is the alternative ?

Cheers AF for checking in.

that's just what I did I rode that slump out and got back on track. Do you know what I am bloody proud of myself. Oh boy these highs and lows fun fun fun.

keep checking in

Have just found and read your thread. One of my friends is going through the same thing - no OW (that we know of!) but a suicide attempt, a bizarre GP and unstable around the kids. She is further through it than you. She has kicked him out, filed for divorce and is coping well. And she is no stronger or more capable than you, she has just decided that enough is enough. And there are lots of us supporting her, just like we are supporting you.
Keep going. One day, then another day, then another day.
If you want a mantra here's one I used to get through shitty chemo - this too shall pass - one day at a time.
And one from Mumsnet (I've used this A LOT - anyone know who I'm quoting?)

"I was quite fabulous before I met him, and became less fabulous when living with him. I am becoming fabulous again though."

Oh no here comes the low again. I'm in bits worrying about what to tell the children. And how best to word it. They are 12 4 and 2. I don't want to see them sad
Thank you for that Ktmacca4. This too shall pass is what I have used a lot this weekend. I have been amazed how it helped. Thank you for the other one, I will used it also. It helps so much coming on here x

don't worry about how to tell the children just yet, take a little time to get your own head around it

yes, they will be sad, you cannot avoid that

would you imagine though they would wish you to in a relationship tht makes you so profoundly unhappy ?

the 12 yo will understand...the others will come to it in time

I really do know this is the right thing to do and in between the waves of mood changes I feel myself on the return and even during.
Ok give myself time that seems fair
I am not helping myself by watching the programs on Titanic me thinks

to *stay

My mum and dad are coming to stay so I can arrange appointments next week and help with child care. I feel a bit greedy using mn when I have rl support. But the support I have received on here has helped in immeasurable amounts. I was told how he was manipulating me but I was so deep in it I didn't see it. my mum and dad witnessed it a couple of weeks ago and voiced their concern, (also confronting my ex, ex ) . It wasn't until hearing what I was told here along with hearing it from their perspective did it then click with me.

Ok time to try sleep

take care x

you are not greedy for being here, this is a great resource for anybody x

Have just sat and read your thread from start to finish and it broke my heart.

You are amazingly strong and need to cut yourself some slack. And you will be ok.

I've been through something similar, not in terms of the mental health issues but definitely in terms of the cheating, lying, manipulating, drinking, etc.

Last June my whole world as I knew it came crashing down. Everything was just so black and felt so hopeless and I didn't see a way though at all. It scared me that my life could be destroyed so quickly and, like you, that someone I loved so much and who 'loved' me could be the one to do it.

And I too felt enormous responsibility for this person and for what he was going through despite the fact that he had destroyed me. So I completely understand your struggle to walk away from this. But you are definitely doing the right thing.

And as someone who is out the other side, it will get better and it will be ok. You deserve much better and that's what you'll get.

My favourite mantra is very simple - Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.

xxxx

Where did it all go wrong. How did I miss the character flaws of this man? How did I not see? I was so in love with him and I thought he felt the same. Got an invite to a wedding today,it was such a beautiful invite(not like my simple hand made job). it just reminded me of all the promise a marriage brings. I was thinking of the excitement this couple will be feeling at building a life together. Along with discovering the affair I found my husband had signed up to a dating site a week after we got married... a fucking week! All the time and energy I put in to our relationship,I was always looking to find something fun for us to do, something fun as a family, arranging some alone time. Hoping to stop things getting stale for my own sake as much as his. Never stoping to think he wasn't putting enough effort in. I was putting it down to his tiredness, forgetting I was bloody tired but still finding the energy to make things good, addressing issues, resolving conflict. They were his issue, conflict he created. I might sound up my own arse but I did not bring this shit to the table.

I keep trying to ride this rather than fight it. I already know I am in a better place, the loo flooded badly yesterday and came through the kitchen ceiling, if that had happened last week I would have been in bits on the floor. But I kind of floated over it. I am amazed at how much easier I find it to deal with the dc and getting on with daily tasks. I feel like its the way I would have dealt with things years ago, rather than how I had been feeling like it was all to much. Sorted a fair bit yesterday, spoke with solicitor and got on with benefits. Oh and my youngest who has not long turned 2 has decided to potty train himself, caught him doing a stand up wee in the potty after my dd brought it out of storage and showed him what it was the day before.
Arranged to talk with ex tomorrow,first time we will be talking properly face to face. He sounded so done in today on the phone, I felt sorry for him but also detached.I found out he lost his job yesterday, before I would have been so worried and upset for him and now I just feel indifferent.

Rambling now

just logged in thank you raindancer17 for reading and adding to the message that this can be done. Well done to you and all the best. MN rocks x

Indifferent is good. Indifferent will get you through this. You are sounding stronger, ML.

Good luck with the talk tomorrow and please just listen to ths warning from me. He will be broken, he will be hangdog, he will be contrite, he will be snivelling, he will promise you all sorts of shit.

You will start feeling sorry for him, and wondering "has he learned his lesson ? perhaps I should give him another chance, for the kids sake ?"

Don't do it.