Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So he kissed a girl....

448 replies

MomentarilyLost · 16/02/2012 16:55

I started a thread about discovering my husband sending dirty emails to women and then going on to discover he had signed up to dating sites, singles chat rooms and had a secret facebook account.

All this has been going on during office hours.

So through means I am not proud of I have had the confirmation he has been sleeping with someone for two years. Another girl has told me they met and kissed.

I feel sick.

I feel stupid I didnt see this coming.

and do you know what..? the bastard still denies it.

I dont know how I will get through these coming days?

My poor children, I can barely talk at the minute

Any advice on how to pull myself together would be greatly received

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/04/2012 18:10

No, you are not.

Why does us talking about his dipshit behaviour provoke a kneejerk reaction in you, ML ?

His stupid shenanigans do not reflect on you. I believe that when you finally accept that, it will be the day you detach from him and wonder with incredulity how one man had the power to make you feel like that.

fiventhree · 11/04/2012 18:13

You arent ML. You are just processing how you feel; it takes time to see a picture clearly and now you are getting a clearer picture.

His issue is, he has done this to you alot, not just once. And promised each time.

Why would he be trustworthy this time?

QuintessentialShadows · 11/04/2012 18:14

You are not a dipshit, he is... Sad A Very Big one.

Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 11/04/2012 18:17

I suppose I just feel an idiot for expecting better, when it seems others would have run for the hills many tipping points ago

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 11/04/2012 18:20

You have been caught up in lies and manipulations on a big scale, and been in the situation, and with emotional investment.
We are talking as bystanders who dont know him, and we have never loved him.

AnyFucker · 11/04/2012 18:21

It doesn't matter what anyone else might have/might have not done.

We are not walking in your shoes. You love(?d) this man. He is the father of your dc's. He is letting you down badly, and repeatedly. You have hope he will come good in the end.

Only from the outside is it clear to see that this has gone too far for that to ever come to pass. You will get there, in the end.

Hattytown · 11/04/2012 18:31

I don't know your back story ML. There might be something in your early life that socialised you to accept poor treatment and instilled a belief that you could single-handedly make things better. That might be good to explore with a counsellor.

What I do know is that women are socialised from a very early age that they are responsible for keeping families together, soothing everyone's hurts, putting themselves last and taking the blame when they aren't able to create a happy family all by themselves. That's not to say that men are immune from harmful socialisations about masculinity, because there are some appalling messages about what it is to be a man.

You're not an idiot for expecting better at all. You were entitled to expect better. But expecting better from him now would be the triumph of hope over experience.

Maybe one day he'll grow up and be in a position to deliver against expectations, but he won't do that until he's suffered some lifelong consequences. Your children could benefit from that if he does, but by that time hopefully you will be long gone from his life as his romantic partner.

Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 11/04/2012 18:36

I find myself seeing it as it is when I come on here.

Well he is home now. Time to talk again tonight. Maybe I should make him look at this thread.

Thank you to all who replied today x

OP posts:
Bluebelly · 11/04/2012 18:39

I have just sat down for the last hour and read every post on your thread. Even with a glass of wine in my hand it has been a gruelling experience - I can't even begin to imagine how unbelievably difficult this must have been for you over the past weeks....and still is!

Just wanted to say that I have been amazed and truly impressed by your strength and courage; (No, you're NOT a dip shit - don't even suggest it as a joke!) furthermore I have been cheered and encouraged by all the brilliant support for you.

All I wanted to add was that I sympathise with your dilemma. I know you shared your problem on MN to get an objective perspective from others - which you have. Those of us that don't know your h can see how manipulating and challenging he is. So yes, of course, you're bound to question things and have second thoughts...but those of us on the outside aren't hampered by any shared history with him.

From an outsider's point of view you definitely need to get some time away from him. But the problem seems to be that you can't help responding to him when he tries to (or pretends to) come good. It must be very scary to feel that you may be closing the door. However, it seems clear his problem will not be solved soon. Therefore, maybe consider taking the pressure off yourself by insisting on more time.

Surely you don't have to be so involved with him or his recovery. Give yourself more time and space with your lovely children, and insist that he doesn't keep seeking your reassurance, or constantly asking to move back in with you. You seem way too nice for you own good ( and for him!) Perhaps if he were to prove his change of heart (but don't get up hopes of this!) by agreeing to not put you under any pressure whatever for an extended period eg. minimum 3 months, in a healthy and productive way, you could then review the situation?

Really feel for you, and I hate to see you being tortured and manipulated by him. And lastly, I hope your attempt to get your boobs back is progressing successfully!

Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 13/04/2012 00:17

Bluebelly thank you so much for your post.

My world has crashed again. But i want it to be the last time it crashes because of him!

Little bit strange being here and detailing my fucked up life again.

So h was leaving work early today and we were going to take the children out for the afternoon. He ended up in the pub instead. Started texting me and is rewriting our history it seems. i was floored by what he was saying. He then told me it was down to my reaction if he stayed out. He said all he wanted was a confidence boost and for me to stop the negativity. Apparently i have not been putting any work in to fixing the relationship and i am damaging the children not him.
I have now discovered he tried to get in contact with ow today too.
i made him leave tonight
I am sat in tears and contemplating the seemingly enormous task of going it alone.
In need to get out of this marriage and stay strong. I have no money to my name and 3 wonder dc who need their mum back and not this zombie they have right now.
Shitty shit, i need to dig deep now

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/04/2012 00:20

I am so sorry he has let you down again, so badly Sad

What an absolute bell-end he is

Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 13/04/2012 00:26

wonderful dc. brain babble again

what a bell-end, to true!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/04/2012 00:29

I think a lot of people have gone to bed, but you will get more kind support tomorrow, I am sure

he is in predictable mode isn't he...blaming you for everything

I expect you made his fingers text OW's number, didn't you ?

ridiculous man

Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 13/04/2012 00:34

Yes like i made him to stay out today and forced another drink down his neck.
I am sure i will be back tomorrow.
Just wanted to get it out.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 13/04/2012 00:42

I hope you are ok there, OP. Thinking about you. I am so really sorry that you are having to go through this shit. I hope that other posters will be along soon to help you, especially tomorrow.

AnyFucker · 13/04/2012 00:42

I hope you can get some sleep.

Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 13/04/2012 00:45

thank you

going to give sleep a try and dream of a better life

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/04/2012 00:51

I think your life would be better with him not in it (as a life partner)

All the logistics of that must be very overwhelming at the moment. You can do it, though. Lots of women have before, and unfortunately lots of women will continue to do so.

Try to take one step at a time and don't get bamboozled by the big stuff.

Take care x

Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 13/04/2012 01:58

I fell for the lines of him wanting to change and wanting to be a better person. How he wanted me to be proud of him, proud of our marriage. How he always loved me and had never stopped. I was drawn in.

I consoled myself with the fact he hadnt fallen in love with anyone else, it was just sex sex that he didnt enjoy apparently. it was so bad he went back for more i suppose Hmm

i have never held anything against the ow, she means nothing to me. She knew he was married and is married herself but he had spun her stories and had no idea he had children.

But today I wanted to tell her of the devastation that has been caused. Why should she sit pretty not knowing anything of this fall out, she knowingly slept with a married man. She played a part however small. Her husband knows nothing. But if it hadnt been her it would have been someone else.

He threatened to smash the door in if i didnt let him in today and didnt care i was frighten.

This is not a man I need around me or our children

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/04/2012 08:43

Good morning. I hope you got a couple of hours rest, my lovely.

If he threatens physical violence again, please call the police. You are right, this man is not the man you thought you knew. His self-centred-ness knows no bounds, and he would have you and the kids be a constant victim of it

No more

Hattytown · 13/04/2012 09:25

Oh ML I'm so sorry that you've had another awful day with this twunt.

Although in many ways I'm glad he couldn't keep up his 'Mr. Repentant Adult' act for more than 5 minutes, because otherwise you would have wasted even more time on him.

Replying quickly and haven't re-read the earlier part of the thread. What support have you got in the way of relatives and friends?

Bluebelly · 13/04/2012 09:32

He's been a complete bastard to you - how dare he try to blame you for his selfish behaviour! Bloody hell!

It sounds as though this latest episode has strengthened your resolve, which is no bad thing. Sure, it'll be tough...but, blimey, if anyone can do it, you can. Just make sure you accept any offers of help that come your way.

And, scrabbling for a silver lining here, at least he has proved to you that you are doing the right thing - you never need to feel guilty that perhaps you should have tried a bit harder, bent over backwards that bit further!

I'm sending you as much support as I can and rooting for you!

Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 13/04/2012 10:06

Not the best nights sleep but managed to rest a little, had the boys in with me and they both spent most of the night kicking me. feeling done in.
I feel myself faltering already and questioning if i am overreacting. Its madness
He has txt already saying he loves me but i have to make a decision and put the work in. Shame the battery on my phone has died. I have jumped through hoops for this man; i really need to end this.
I am at my sisters we stayed here last night, the children were already here when he came back to the house acting like a fuck wit. So they didn?t witness it thank goodness.
I need to keep strong

OP posts:
glastocat · 13/04/2012 10:21

I have just read this entire thread, and can't believe what an utter shit this man is being! The brass neck of him asking you to put more work in! I know it all feels overwhelming at the minute, but honestly, getting rid of this toxic bell-end will be so worth it, honestly, you can't go on letting this utter shitbag drag you down. I am fuming on your behalf. You can do this, I know you can, and one day you will look back on this and laugh, you really will.

Hattytown · 13/04/2012 10:36

You're not over-reacting!!

Can you get an urgent counselling appt. at all, because although I'm sure your sister is saying the same as us here, someone needs to strip away this desperate and fruitless need of yours to 'rescue' things and people.

Ignore texts. Ignore him.

Go to a solicitors asap.