So he kissed a girl....

[MomentarilyLost]

I started a thread about discovering my husband sending dirty emails to women and then going on to discover he had signed up to dating sites, singles chat rooms and had a secret facebook account.

All this has been going on during office hours.

So through means I am not proud of I have had the confirmation he has been sleeping with someone for two years. Another girl has told me they met and kissed.

I feel sick.

I feel stupid I didnt see this coming.

and do you know what..? the bastard still denies it.

I dont know how I will get through these coming days?

My poor children, I can barely talk at the minute

Any advice on how to pull myself together would be greatly received

The colours are coming through a lovely colour of brown.

We are in the south east.

:( I just want him happy and I don't think I can do that.

am very far from you (about as far as possible)

we are open to taking a dog on, is all

Cheers AF I will sort something I am sure.

Oh and he won't give me his address. I don't have it.

Getting free legal advice over the phone and they said they will need his address. They have taken the details of the situation. Still waiting to hear back from them.

Been a nightmare trying to get any info and legal advice.

I don't have the pennies to pay for legal advice.

And hb has been delayed. I am now behind with the rent and I don't have an appointment till the end if the month. At which point I will be 2 months behind.

:(

am really sorry, ML, that sounds really scary

how could he do this to his kids ?

It will be fine I am sure

And he is a twat

I really really can't believe I was married to him.

in my simplistic eyes he had the option to... see his mistakes, learn from them, own them and stop hurting anyone. And what he is doing is trying to justify the unjustifiable.

He really is picking at me and being so cruel. And he expects me to roll over. Not likely!

I don't won't to engage. But at times I can't help myself

HB wise, make sure you let your landlord know what is going on, and pay him as soon as you can. My landlord was very reasonable with me when I had issues with my claim.

Another lurker here. Sorry to hear that your STBXH is being such a shit . Just wanted to add my support. Stay strong

Thank you for the support.

I have informed the landlord. I am paying something towards the rent today.I just hate letting people down.

Ex letting the kids down is really getting to me.

I spoke with him earlier this week to arrange regular contact days, because as it was he was just seeing them when he wanted and changing at the last minute. I don't want to be in contact with him so much. It's unsettling the kids not know what's going on. So at the beginning of the week I sent him an email to set up regular contact, the days were set and he said he was fine with it but did question what was wrong with him popping along when he wanted!? But he was ok with how things were set up.

So he was due to have them last night and bring them back on today. He had confirmed this on Wednesday. I hate it when they go and my anxiety goes through the roof, but I am trying to deal with it. I had planned to go out on Friday evening and had booked to get my hair done on Saturday.

So he starts on Thursday with vague texts and not committing to pick up and drop off times. I told him about my hair appointment and what time I will be back. He then text back saying it was nice to see I was spending his money on myself (my mum and dad are paying for me to have it done and they were the ones who told me to book it). He has also said how I am sponging off him and the government (he has giving me hardly any money for the children since the split) lovely lovely man my ex has turned out to be. This is what I wanted to avoid, we need to have days and timing so everyone is clear. And there is no need to be in contact so much.

Then yesterday he says he can't have them over night but he will nip over and take them to the park. So... My plans are totally fucked. I explained I was happy to change my plans for the evening but I need to keep the hair appointment, so he can come see them on Saturday. But no, any plans I make don't seem to matter. I have so little time to myself which is fine. But I should be able to do something nice for myself surely. He said he will come over Sunday and see them. I have made plans to go out with my parent for the day, as I knew he wasn't seeing them. But he expects me just to change what I am doing.

This will all stem from him going out on the Piss, either last night and or today. He won't say what he is doing. But whatever it is it far more important than seeing his children.

He is a complete shit

But hey the sun is shining today :)

ML, that's seriously not on, for the sake of the kids. faffing around with contact isn't fair on them.

I am going to qualify this with I am not a mum, but...

If I was you I would tell him that if he cannot pick a time and stick to it, he cannot see the kids, because waiting around for a dad that may or may not turn up is upsetting.

Hi,

sorry for butting in, I haven't read all of the posts but read your most recent.

My ex has caused so many problems for me since we split 12 years ago when ds was a baby. Yes he still manages to make things awkward!

Can I suggest not letting him know about ANY appointments you make or ANYTHING that you want to do for yourself. My ex would deliberately fuck up any plans. (sorry if someone has already said that).
When he has my son on a Saturday I still can't tell him of my plans if I go out because he has been known to refuse to let me know when he's dropping ds off so I have to stay in for him. It's slowly getting better but it's maddening.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Best wishes for your future, you'll get there :)

You are gong to have to get very, very tough

Make an arrangement and stick to it. The minute he starts faffing/going vague cancel it and make another one that doesn't include him. Don't tell your kids in advance that he is supposed to be seeing him, that way they won't be disappointed.

Ignore any whining he does about you are not letting him see his kids. Your dc need firm boundaries about what is expected, and so does he.

I am learning on a daily basis the true extent of his bitterness towards me and how childish he will be. I think he is a bit taken back by the fact I don't bow to him.

But if he won't stick to plans or considers his plans more important, there is not a lot I can do about it.

I suppose he was always taking advantage of what I thought was a kind heart I thought I was being understanding. But really I was being taken for a mug.

But not anymore

Having my hair done, just now :)

it is so very true that such selfish, sexist, self-entitled behaviour as exhibited by your H doesn't just come out of nowhere

it was there all the time, either just below the radar as you thought you and he were happy and you let a lot of low-level twattery go in order to keep the peace

I bet if you really examine your relationship prior to your discovery of his supremely disrespectful texting OW etc, you will begin to realise there is a long history of your needs being put a very firm second place

My kind heart.... sorry that makes me sound a twat. Must be the lack of sleep or something.

On examining our relationship, yes I do see that it was my needs not being met on many levels and they did come second. And yes it was me trying to get passed things and try to give him the benefit of the doubt. I had a need to get things back on track as fast as possible and forgave far to easily. When we came up against a problem I would often write things down as an outlet. To clear my mind. I would put my feelings to him and in my head he understood me, but it was only in my head. He would just pay lip service and we would stumble over the same problems. When I clear out under my bed I will find note books full of my ramblings covering our entire relationship.

Hair all done and looking rather fab

Hi ML

Keep those ramblings, you will reread them one day, as you go through that change process!

I agree with AF- once the fog clears you see your whole past with him in a different light, and see how the strategies you employed to get a reasonable deal were never going to work, as he didnt have it in him to consider others, even his kids, and he still doesnt.

Also, the coke- it is an absolute classic with sexual compulsion- I know I read somewhere in Patrick Carnes that a number of big research studies show a link of possible over 40% who do 'high' type drugs as well.

Did you ever read that book I mentioned-

www.amazon.co.uk/The-Betrayal-Bond-Exploitative-Relationships/dp/1558745262/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1336840509&sr=8-5

I think you will find it very very illuninating in thinking through where you have been in this relationship.

Glad you are pleased with the haircut. Oh, and sod his mother!

You definitely deserve to look and feel fab! I'm sorry the dc contact is proving so problematic - it shows that STBXH is obviously just looking to make things difficult for you.

Just a suggestion and I know that it has plently of drawbacks, but would it be possible to involve a third party in these early weeks through which you could arrange for him to collect dc. I'm thinking something like you arrange to drop dc at your parents' house, he has to liaise with them to organise collection and return.

This would make it more formal, and therefore more difficult for him to scupper by being deliberately casual. He may even show a bit more respect for them?

Just a thought...because I can see that the situation you are in now is dreadful. Still rooting for you, even though don't post much. Keep up the good work!

ooo, suits yooouu ML

he would be less likely to twat about and let the kis down if he thought a 3rd party would get to examine his behaviour, perhaps ?

it is quite clear he is happy for you to think what you like, and so doesn't give a shit if he icurs your wrath....but these men often like to think they can maintain a "good guy" persona with others (even though most people see through it, and always have, tbh)

*kids

Had a lovely day out today with dc and my parents. It was a tough one because I went to a place that holds a lot of memories between me and ex. But a new memory has just been made.

It was hard because I found it difficult to let go and have fun. I was so used to having to be the organised one, the responsible one, while ex had all the fun with the kids. It was hard doing both if that makes sense. I saw it happening when we were together but was powerless to it. I was losing my fun side.

Had a heart breaking chat with my dd before bed and she said she doesn't want to see stbxh anymore because they are no longer family and he doesn't put them first. I have said nothing to them and have tried to shelter them from him being a Dick but of course they must feel it. I was a little floored by her out pouring and supported and listen as best I could.

Momentous thing happening tomorrow. Its a little sad really but... I am a big fan of The Walking dead and it starts tomorrow night, I have been waiting for it to come on. I missed the first episode of the second series when it started back on sky ,so I asked to borrowed his laptop to go online to find out when it would be on again.That is when he slipped up and had left his emails open. it is my love of a zombie take over that set me on the path to discover the true extent of the lack of respect stbxh had for our marriage/me and our family. I shall watch because I fucking love that show and I am excited,but I shall be sad too, :( it holds a lot of meaning watching this. It's a little odd I know. Hard to explain.

Thank you for the kind support and encouragement. I will look at getting the book Five. The coke thing has rattled me. I often wonder about his behaviour on nights out but he would swear on his grandfathers grave he didn't take it (also swore he hadn't fucked someone else) but I have had confirmation he has been taking it while we were together. I don't know the true extent of this and if it is a habit.

I have been in touch with his mum to see if she can be of a help to be a kind of third party to child care agreements. I am yet to hear back. We will see. I can't deal with him being a twat to his kids. But he won't listen to me, after all I know he has no respect for me.

a good idea for the 3rd party child handover

enjoy the zombie thing, despite it's connotations

you have The Undead to thank for setting you on the path to finding out just what kind of man you were married to

Hi ML

I?m glad you are surfacing from the worst of this, a bit. The coke thing surprised me; my h isn?t interested in it. Apparently the feelings of high which coke (and other drugs which give a high) gives people can be similar to the euphoria of the sexual compulsion. It is the feeling, rather than the sex, which people look for. It is called ?traumatic pleasure?. Funnily enough, I did see other signs of it in my h, and mainly through his attitude to work, where he can get wildly gripped by a project or piece of work, and cannot put it down at certain stages, even at 3 in the morning and later, after starting at 9am.

The Betrayal Bond book will help you to see who and what he is, but also I found it very illuminating for me, and true- about what in our own past draws us to certain types of people, until we recognise this and work it through. I was very struck by the book, as it taught me alot about myself in the relationship, and also how I managed (or failed to manage) it. So it is worth reading, both to see where you have been, and to protect yourself in future. It will also help you to deal with him more effectively, without you needing to discuss his issues at all with him.

Hope that haircut is still looking fab.