So he kissed a girl....

[MomentarilyLost]

I started a thread about discovering my husband sending dirty emails to women and then going on to discover he had signed up to dating sites, singles chat rooms and had a secret facebook account.

All this has been going on during office hours.

So through means I am not proud of I have had the confirmation he has been sleeping with someone for two years. Another girl has told me they met and kissed.

I feel sick.

I feel stupid I didnt see this coming.

and do you know what..? the bastard still denies it.

I dont know how I will get through these coming days?

My poor children, I can barely talk at the minute

Any advice on how to pull myself together would be greatly received

Hope things are a bit less bleak today ML.

It is his own fault. You never really did know him, and neither did the children, really.

Keep talking to them, about their future. Hope family are supportive. x

Just checking in ML.

I hope you've recovered a bit from that horrible experience on Friday. I'm relieved to see that it induced hate for him and not sorrow. That means you're seeing him much more clearly and holding him accountable for all this. I'm sure you've spent the weekend focusing on the children and their upset, so I hope they are bearing up after their shock. There won't be a worse day than that - that truly will be your lowest point. Try to focus on the worst being over, although there will of course be more difficulties to come.

Time now to focus on putting some boundaries in about him coming to your home and seeing the children, and getting the legal and financial stuff started.

Having a really hard time of late.

I havent been able to get back my get up and go from last week.

I still know I am doing the right thing leaving him but everything seems to have stalled.

I feel so so sad, I keep breaking down in tears. I mean rolling tears and big sobs.

I fell asleep crying and woke up crying this morning, after having a dream that everyone was laughing at me while ex ran off with ow.It was such a horrible vivid dream.

I don?t know how long this will last. I keep hoping the next day the tears will stop but they don?t.

The weather is not helping possibly. I feel so low.

Total self-indulgent sorry, but is there anyone about to tell me this isn?t going to last?

I am trying to keep busy and focus but the tears still fall and the pain is there :(

its like a rollercoaster isnt it...

you are going through a process to heal, and this is all part of it.

its ok, and you will be ok.

the roller coaster is tough. But these feelings I am having now seem so much deeper and harder than before.
I am morning a man that never was. A life that was a lie. It?s a pile of crap.
I feel like I am failing all over

What's happening with the solicitor ML?

Have you given any more thought to some counselling? Sounds like you need some RL help right now.

It's understandable to crash after the adrenaline of recent weeks. Some of it's a shutting-down in response to that awful task last week of telling the children.

And you're right. This rubbish weather isn't helping. Is there any chance you can book a little holiday for you and the kids, so that you've got somethng to plan and look forward to?

Have a hug, my lovely.

Thanks hatty
I feel shit, I just want out and away from this mess.
I haven?t felt good since telling the children.
Cant get into gp till next week and have a solicitor appointment next week.
I don?t want to keep burdening my family with my shit.
I can?t walk up the street crying. I keep leaving the house with tear in my eyes. I haven?t ever come across anyone doing this in the street. And I am foot alot.
How do people get through this?
Am I missing something?
I wish we could just go away but I can?t.

I've seen people crying in the street ML, but the truth is that few people notice. Some sunglasses might be your friend here though.

Your sis won't think you're burdening her. The amazing thing about a crisis is that people genuinely do want to help, but you need to reach out to them too. Don't try to get through this alone and be too stoic. You've been through such a lot.

Small goals is how people get through this. Right now, your goals ought to be to give yourself at least one act of kindness a day, whether that's a deep bath with some new bubbles or a treat like a massage or beauty treatment.

Exercise helps too. A brisk walk (sunglasses at the ready!) to somewhere green and leafy, so that you can see all the new life in this beautiful season.

Something else I'd recommend is reflexology - it's always helped me if I'm stressed and having once been a sceptic, I'm now a convert.

Why would it not be possible to plan a break? I'm guessing money's tight? If so, is there a friend you could go to stay with for a couple of days in the next half term?

ML - at the moment, you are mourning lots of thing - your marriage/partnership, the effects on your children, the loss of your sanity in going through this, the idea that you had of your man etc..

I am sure you have been in shock - which numbs things somewhat - now it is starting to sink in - you find yourself obsessing over minute stuff, thinking how could I not have realised, what could I have done, what could he have done, how very dare he, what went so wrong - the images etc....

The early days, is very much putting one foot in front of the other - repeatedly, in the hope that things will get better, but you still feel like you will feel like this forever.

You might wake up feeling normal for a second, before it hits you again, your sleep might be disturbed by horrid dreams , you might feel like there is no respite from the thoughts feelings and images- on top of this you have the kids to deal with...

This happened to me about three years ago, and reading your story gives me faint echoes of how it felt. It felt like trying to fit a huge square block through a round shaped hole in my brain. I thought I was dealing with it - them some more would shudder its way through, and I would try to deal with that - and so it went on...

Honestly - you WILL get over this - am not just saying that - but it takes time, and when it feels unbearable as it does right now, it just seems impossible to see how things will change.

What I found helpful was

1. Put one foot in front of the other - plan your day to a degree - not too much or too many expectations - just enough structure, and enough of a bit of a to-do list - and don't feel bad if you don't do too much - you are recovering - but acknowledge to yourself what you have done

1. If you have the energy, keep a diary -it helps to vent, and also in only a few weeks/months time, when things don't seem QUITE as bad, it helps to look back to see how far you have come. celebrate your small achievements.

1. Rope in as much help as you can - structure and being with the kids can help, but you also need some time to process stuff, and just to let rip with your emotions - I got my friend round, we played music at full volume,. ran around the house like mad things, and I cried on her shoulder. When I woke the next morning, I still felt devastated, but somehow, just having someone there to listen, do daft stuff, and humour me, just made me feel that little bit better about myself.

1. Try to sort yourself out some counselling for yourself - this isn't a must - but it can be really helpful in sorting out your thoughts...

Having to tell the children was the hardest - when they were newborns, I swore to protect them. When Ds1 was in hospital with asthma, I dozed by his side, I felt I was doing something. Telling them was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Three years on - we are all fine! Have a good relationship with ex - children have been remarkably resilient and are happy chappies, and life is great!.

But I remember just how hard it was - and it WILL get better - just keep breathing, and putting one foot in front of the other - I know I keep saying this, and I know it sounds trite, but in the early days, I had to get through an hour at a time xxx

Lap top gave up last night.

Hatty thank you for the advice and inspiration

Holiday would be nice thing to plan for. My mum and dad want us to go out to Portugal in the summer, but the money won?t be there. But maybe I will start to look at something more doable. The sunglasses would be a good idea, may treat myself to new pair. Be nice if the weather picked up a little so I don?t need to wear them in the rain. Probably get less odd looks crying than wearing sunglasses in the rain.

Bewilderedmum your post brought tears to my eyes but in a nice way, thank you for giving me some hope and pointer

Ex has got the dc at his mums this weekend. It?s so hard not having them around.

Baby steps and a moment at a time. When I start trying to do too much it does start to crumble. So that?s a good way to go.

Will work on trying to be a little kinder to myself.

I want to move away from the bitterness too.

Going out this evening for a bite to eat.

Hair washed, going to put a bit of slap on.

Hope you're having a break tonight ML and enjoy a change of scenery.

I'd really urge you to see if there's any way you can go on that holiday to Portugal. It would be a great distraction for the DCs if they had that to look forward to and the sunshine would do you good. You'd all enjoy the planning for the holiday as much as the event itself. You all need that now.

Having tears tonight.

But the tears seem to give me strength.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring but at least I am now hopeful about tomorrow. Rather than fearful and saddened.

Having black days mixed in with good and ok days.

Ex is busy being a twat, talking about wanting to be amicable, then fighting everything I say.

And to top it all I really really need a shag

But hey I am getting through it :)

Ramble and a little bit of a pointless post.

not pointless if it helps you

someone always sees it and can find a kind word for you

ps. don't shag him

Oh no no.. I won't go near him. Not a chance! Anyone else

It's so odd being on my own of an evening.

I like my own company but I do feel a little lost.

I suppose its just something to get used to and in time I will get the hang of it.

Was really really ill over the weekend a flu/cold thing and was throwing up. I had no one around to help with the kids. But I/we got through it. I know that sounds lame of course people do. But its not easy dealing with 3 children.

It's all a learning curve.

I have learnt so much about myself already and what I am capable of.

it is not easy dealing with 3 dc at the best of times, never mind when you are ill

you should be proud of yourself

you can do this

erm, no old single boyfs you could call up ?

Cheers AF.

Went out for a fag even though I am not smoking

I wish there was an old boyf!!

I won't be able to leave it to long before I gets me a little fun

I would hope you don't ! (if that's what you want)

I will Not be running to someone else's bed

I need time to heal. I know that

I will find ways round that problem

Still got a lot to learn about myself

of course, you gotta do what you gotta do

there are ways around this problem

arrgh, that sounded creepy, sorry

getting creeped out on another thread, here

Not creepy!

I get you.

Been lurking at little and learning. Now that sounds creepy!

Having a rant

Now this is something I didn't expect. But now it seems stbxh doesn't want to see the children. Or at least he will see them a little as long as he hasn't got a better offer.

It's so sad for them.

He is showing his true colours everyday. He is so rude and bitter. I can't believe this is a man I once loved.

I don't care, I will look after them all day every day. I want to be a parent.

He has basically turned into a compete bitch and will take every opportunity to have a dig and a bitch.

I am not interested in playing games.

I just wish I didn't have to deal with him.

He says he wants to keep things out of the courts and settle things between us, but he doesn't see he has responsibilities.

We have a young dog (stbxh pushed for)and I have come to the sad conclusion that I can not afford to keep him on, I don't have the time or money. But his mum has told me it is totally my responsibility to look for a home as I kick him out. I guess the broken window he smashed and is still waiting to be fixed is my responsibility. The chicken shit he left in a bags in a mountain in the garden because he couldn't be bothered to put it in the bin, is my responsibility That's my responsibility to deal with. All because I couldn't stay with a cheating lying bastard.

Sorry feeling pissed off

And breath.

Oh and I have just found out he takes coke.

What a fucking mug I am :(

if he has broken the window, did you report it to the police? do you have home insurance? Even if you can't prove it was him, you could get a crime number and claim off your household insurance.

Any other intimidation or destructive behaviour, make a diary, call the police when it happens, you may be able to get an injunction along with your divorce.

Good Luck, ML.

No insurance, I am renting and the land lord is a bit lame. I wish I had called the police when the window happened. Apparently he chucked a stone at the window to get my attention. Er any body else would just knock at the door.

I can't believe the children will need to spend time with this idiot, but only as and when he chooses

true colours innit, ML

where roughly in the UK are you (re. getting the dog rehomed) ?