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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dumped on valentines day

239 replies

bikerchicken · 14/02/2012 10:34

background: Met last year in March. He divorced, 2 kids, solvent etc. Me, div, 0 kids - had been living a bit of a fancy free lifestyle, lots boyfriends etc.
So, everything started ok but then we had a conversation one night last Arpil and the next morning he ended the relationship by text saying I was being negative and it was obvious that I had intentions of possibly seeing other men (we had been talking about being in contact with ex's the night before. he keeps no contact, I still have a text of one whom I have no feelings for, nor him me but we share a hobby).
Life went on and then he phoned me a couple of months later saying that he had made a massive mistake and could we get back together. So we did as I did like him a lot.
Then we had a fantastic 7 months together. Got on very well, lots of fun, great sex etc etc.He said that he had never committed to anyone since his divorce but in his mind, I was the one that he wanted and he (in his words) was totally in love with me. He also said he was addicted to me and wanted to be with me forever. I was (am)in love with him too, but I wasnt addicted.
However every now and again there would be a blip where he would start thinking that I was sleeping with someone else (I wasnt)and he wanted to spend every night with me. My job takes me around the country for 1-2 nights a week and I attempted to adjust it but I still had to work. If I went away he would say the house felt empty with me not being there and he missed me. It would get quite dramatic at times when he would say that i was waiting for an opportunity to go back to my previous lifestyle.
Ocassionally he would have a bit of a quiver about me being away for work (I would always phone at night and we would talk for ages)and said that there was no evidence to say where I had been. But essentially things were good. One major problem was that he loves xmas and I hate it (my dad died at xmas) and I was working so he felt that xmas was ruined.
So life trotted on, good times were had. When he had his kids he would not like me to do other things on my own for part of the weekend and would tell me that I wasnt bothered about his kids (i was and when I offered to spend time he said no). When we were together we had an amazing time in each others company and I thought that we were doing ok.
Valentines day comes along. We had booked to go out tonight and I had got him a card/present etc which I thought we would be exchanging tonight and I told him this. I was picking up a cake for him, had champagne etc and was looking forward to the gift exchange. We spent the evening together and I wrote a b/day card to a friend and then went to bed. Recently I noticed he hasnt been telling me he loves me as much and he has been less demonstrative. However he decided that he was getting my card present out and it was in the kitchen this morning. I said that I was looking forward to giving him his and I would see him later.

So, I get to work and I have a text saying "i sat next to you last night watching you write a card to your mate and you didnt even get me a card. Its not the card that is the issue but you are taking the piss"
I was so upset and managed to speak to him at work. He said that I take the piss, I am all take, take, take and that although he loves me, he doesnt trust me. He also said that when i am away with work it is obvious that I am shagging other blokes. This isnt the case.
So, i am here with all his presents and Ive been dumped.
I feel so upset and its my first time posting.

OP posts:
pictish · 16/02/2012 13:10

yes

Anniegetyourgun · 16/02/2012 13:11

It's a kind of mourning. You have lost a lovely man: the one he appeared to be, but who in fact didn't exist.

The incorrigible cynic who lurks in my soul wonders whether he thought you didn't seem nearly upset enough about the break-up, so he had to convince you you were missing out on something great. He's insulting you though. He thinks you're that stupid. But you saw through it. You're so right that love does not deal in ultimatums. Love also does not seek to put its object in a cage. He'd do better to buy himself a mannequin he can keep in a case than to get hitched to a real live woman, with thoughts and feelings and friends and the power of independent movement.

Let him go to live his "simple life" with someone who actually likes that kind of thing. Mourn the memory of a relationship that never was. And then go find yourself a bloke who treats you as an equal instead of either a goddess with feet of clay or a piece of furniture. Pieces of furniture don't have friends or go away for the weekend. They're always there, looking ornamental, waiting to be sat on. It's fine for chairs, but not much of a life for a human being.

QuintessentialyHollow · 16/02/2012 13:14

Gosh, you have had such a lucky escape....

He tried to manipulate you like a little string puppet to agree to erase your very own self to commit to being his lovely and cherished personality-free doormat, but instead he manipulated himself out of your life. Well done. I hope you keep him out.

bikerchicken · 16/02/2012 14:43

I think i will realise how controlling this all is soon. I think I have been in a couple of controlling relationships. I have done 'vey well' (it's relative) in my job, worked v hard for 20 years to establish myself. My previous boyfriend would be very scathing about any success I had. This one seemed delighted that I have worked my way up to the top. My ex would citisise my appearance and this man would be the opposite. The current boyfriend had major issues with me going out and he never believed where I was going because he didn't know the people I was with (work colleagues).
Looking back there have been a few warning signs. One Friday (he had kids) I was going to his and I got held up on the motorway then the car overheated. I actually detoured out of my way to take another motorway which wasn't the best idea at the time but it's what I did. He phoned me to ask whether I wanted tea and I said don't worry. Unbeknown to me he had made a special dinner for us and when I eventually got to his he told me to go home as I had ruined the evening. He said I had really hurt him and didn't believe I had overheated.
He was convinced i was texting men.
Whenever i was away he would say the house/bed was empty without me and I should be there with him.
It's all controlling isn't it?
How do I get myself out of a cycle of allowing myself to put up with it?

OP posts:
Secrecy · 16/02/2012 14:51

Yes, that really, really is controlling. I suggest you get yourself out by going no contact. Anything else and you'll just get sucked back in.

LiarsWife · 16/02/2012 14:59

You are already on your way to getting out of the cycle by getting rid of this controlling partner.

You're doing great x

bikerchicken · 16/02/2012 15:09

Thank you. I am. Whatever I did wasn't quite good enough for him because he continually moved the goal posts. I kept adjusting my behaviour and I never once told him what I wanted to do truthfully. He sent me a text yesterday saying that the weekend was playing on his mind I needed to be there with him and that was that. I felt on top of the world when I was with him but I think that was because he was projecting his happiness of 'having me' onto me. Interestingly today he said a couple of times that he would marry me tomorrow because then I would be his.
I need to work on myself. I'm feeling better. Mumsnet is a godsend.

OP posts:
malinkey · 16/02/2012 15:13

"How do I get myself out of a cycle of allowing myself to put up with it?"

Counselling, the Freedom Programme.

bikerchicken · 16/02/2012 15:26

I will look into it. I'm 43 and determined to get my mind sorted out. Many thanks

OP posts:
OldBagWantsNewBag · 16/02/2012 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/02/2012 15:31

If they are genuine "trust issues" rather than an excuse. I waited 25 years for XH to learn to trust me. He never did. So I gave up waiting and left him and his issues seething together.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/02/2012 15:38

No, let me elaborate on that. In order to get over "trust issues" a person has to acknowledge that they are his/her issues, and nothing to do with the partner's behaviour. As long as he/she continues to blame the partner, there will be no cure. This particular guy thinks it's all the OP's fault for not being with him every second of every day, for having friends, for going on work trips - in short, for doing normal, everyday things like a real live person. Holding out hope that he will get better, that given time he will "allow himself to trust again", is only going to drag the OP out of the prison she has just been given a free ticket out of.

Sorry if that sounds like I'm having a go at you, OldBag; I just don't think this is one of those guys who can learn better ways. He wants to possess, not to trust.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/02/2012 15:39

drag the OP back into the prison, I meant, d'oh!

malinkey · 16/02/2012 15:39

biker I'm 42 and doing the same - it's never too late!

piellabakewell · 16/02/2012 15:56

I met the love of my life at 42 - there's hope!

LiarsWife · 16/02/2012 16:08

I'm 43 ... and I no longer have to pussyfoot round a grumpy controlling asshole :)

Blu · 16/02/2012 16:11

Controlling, obsessive and / or a degree of narcissistic personality disorder maybe.

I have an aunt who is all over people, complimentary, generous, lively, adoring - but god help anyone who doesn't appreciate it all exactly the way she wants it appreciated, and she colonises my mother in terms of demanding her attention, time and emotional support. It is incredibly tiring to deal with.

Lueji · 16/02/2012 16:20

today he said a couple of times that he would marry me tomorrow because then I would be his

Which is what you must not do!

Marrying did switch something ex's head. From something to be conquered I became "his". We almost broke up in our honeymoon. Shame we didn't. :)

Typical controlling mindset.

QuintessentialyHollow · 16/02/2012 16:26

You are just something he needs to possess. Like an object. Not a person.
He is blowing hot and cold. What a headfuck.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 16/02/2012 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 16/02/2012 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialyHollow · 16/02/2012 16:58

People cant change if they

  1. Dont see a reason to and ;
  2. Wont acknowledge they have a problem.

The ops ex does neither. Instead he is trying to change her.

AnyFucker · 16/02/2012 16:59

help from who, OldBag ?

from the OP ?

please God, no...

Lueji · 16/02/2012 17:00

OR only go back to him when he actually resolves those issues (assuming he has issues), instead of hoping for the best that he resolves them, but actually letting him know that it's ok for him to have those issues because she is going back to him anyway.

AnyFucker · 16/02/2012 17:00

this man wants Op to ultimately give up work, so he can fully control her

if she had stayed with him, that would have been his next mission