Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dumped on valentines day

239 replies

bikerchicken · 14/02/2012 10:34

background: Met last year in March. He divorced, 2 kids, solvent etc. Me, div, 0 kids - had been living a bit of a fancy free lifestyle, lots boyfriends etc.
So, everything started ok but then we had a conversation one night last Arpil and the next morning he ended the relationship by text saying I was being negative and it was obvious that I had intentions of possibly seeing other men (we had been talking about being in contact with ex's the night before. he keeps no contact, I still have a text of one whom I have no feelings for, nor him me but we share a hobby).
Life went on and then he phoned me a couple of months later saying that he had made a massive mistake and could we get back together. So we did as I did like him a lot.
Then we had a fantastic 7 months together. Got on very well, lots of fun, great sex etc etc.He said that he had never committed to anyone since his divorce but in his mind, I was the one that he wanted and he (in his words) was totally in love with me. He also said he was addicted to me and wanted to be with me forever. I was (am)in love with him too, but I wasnt addicted.
However every now and again there would be a blip where he would start thinking that I was sleeping with someone else (I wasnt)and he wanted to spend every night with me. My job takes me around the country for 1-2 nights a week and I attempted to adjust it but I still had to work. If I went away he would say the house felt empty with me not being there and he missed me. It would get quite dramatic at times when he would say that i was waiting for an opportunity to go back to my previous lifestyle.
Ocassionally he would have a bit of a quiver about me being away for work (I would always phone at night and we would talk for ages)and said that there was no evidence to say where I had been. But essentially things were good. One major problem was that he loves xmas and I hate it (my dad died at xmas) and I was working so he felt that xmas was ruined.
So life trotted on, good times were had. When he had his kids he would not like me to do other things on my own for part of the weekend and would tell me that I wasnt bothered about his kids (i was and when I offered to spend time he said no). When we were together we had an amazing time in each others company and I thought that we were doing ok.
Valentines day comes along. We had booked to go out tonight and I had got him a card/present etc which I thought we would be exchanging tonight and I told him this. I was picking up a cake for him, had champagne etc and was looking forward to the gift exchange. We spent the evening together and I wrote a b/day card to a friend and then went to bed. Recently I noticed he hasnt been telling me he loves me as much and he has been less demonstrative. However he decided that he was getting my card present out and it was in the kitchen this morning. I said that I was looking forward to giving him his and I would see him later.

So, I get to work and I have a text saying "i sat next to you last night watching you write a card to your mate and you didnt even get me a card. Its not the card that is the issue but you are taking the piss"
I was so upset and managed to speak to him at work. He said that I take the piss, I am all take, take, take and that although he loves me, he doesnt trust me. He also said that when i am away with work it is obvious that I am shagging other blokes. This isnt the case.
So, i am here with all his presents and Ive been dumped.
I feel so upset and its my first time posting.

OP posts:
Wrongbow · 15/02/2012 15:20

OP: After reading this thread, I don't think you were dumped on Valentine's Day, I think you were set free.....

Hear hear :)

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 15/02/2012 18:37

phew, thank the lordy you escaped....what a twat!!!

Enjoy your week with your friends and your new freedom, life is for living. Smile

BlissfulHousewife · 15/02/2012 18:39

If you stay away and dont go back to him his plan (because thats what this was - just a plan, a game of sorts) will have failed.

Dont let him win this one over on you.

Walk away and keep walking.

springydaffs · 15/02/2012 19:07

The sex only relationship is a ploy. He doesnt want one and he thinks thats the kind of thing I want

I can't agree with this. As someone said upthread, you wanted an adult relationship. He wanted to control you not just physically but emotionally and mentally. He doesn't think you want a sex-only relationship (you don't from what you are saying and how you conducted the relationship), he is just projecting that shit onto you. It has nothing to do with you at all.

I'm also wary of SGB's advice to show him contempt. I would suggest you show no feelings at all - not nice not nasty, but resoute. I believe that these types are capable of quite staggering venom and will stop at nothing to shame and belittle you (to get you back in your place, essentially, ie back in his control). I would be very careful not to show contempt: you may express it on here or to your RL friends etc but not to him.

Freedom Programme!

springydaffs · 15/02/2012 19:09

resolute, of course

bikerchicken · 16/02/2012 11:51

Dear all.
I have had a blip. He phoned me about my stuff at his. We got talking and he said that he has never loved anyone like he loved me but he wants either 100% Commitment from me or nothing and I needed to make a decision as to whether I can commit 100% to him and he needed my decision by today. He said he hates it when I go off for a day or two or overnight for work and that he wants me by his side. He said that he would marry me tomorrow if he could and he wants to live a simple life with someone nice. He also said he thinks I m extremely selfish.
I explained to him that my life won't change and that I can't commit 100% to him in that way because i would fall at the first hurdle in that I would spend the first night away and it would fall apart. I am also doing a major course in september so I would be focused on that.
Basically it's not good enough for him. He wants me 100% and so he has said he is now deleting me (my words) as its best for him and me. He says this is how he operates and it's not something he wants to do but he is going to do it, get rid if my number and never contact me again and move on. He says he still loves me but he won't compromise as he feels she has already put up with so much from me (my work patterns, going away, he didn't want to see me so I have organised something at the weekend and that upset him)
I feel so upset because we got on so well and i loved him. he gave me an ultimatum and I told him the truth and my decision resulted in him cutting me out of his life for good. I can't change my work patterns. He is very well of financially and he would help me out with money etc but I don't want that. He can't see it from any other angle.
There is no going back now and its finished but i feel so upset. It does get better doesn't it?

OP posts:
Blu · 16/02/2012 11:58

He did that so that he could make himself feel in control of the break up.

Really sorry, Biker. he staged it so that he was giving you an ultimatum that he knew you would 'fail', so that he could deliver judgement on you.

Don't fall for this. In your life YOU have rejected his version of what a healthy happy relationship is, it's obviously upsetting, but you do not have to accept, in your own mind, his version.

He is trying to control you, even in the way he breaks up with you.

Look after yourself, keep busy, delete him from your phone and e mail and block his number.

PosiePumblechook · 16/02/2012 12:01

Creepy twat.

1fab · 16/02/2012 12:13

OMG you are so lucky to have been shown his true colours before you married him or had children. He is trying to control you. It is not realistic to be with your partner 100% of the time. You have had a lucky escape.

malinkey · 16/02/2012 12:14

'He's never loved anyone like he loved me... he needed my decision by today'

Erm, yeah, cos if you really like love someone you can't possibly give them any time to make a really important decision. And of course 100% commitment from you would mean that you would NEVER be allowed out of his sight again (while he could do what he liked I suppose).

In the middle of this oh so romantic proposal he's also managed to insult you by telling you how selfish you are! Read your post again and see if you can spot who the selfish person is!

You do realise that the ONLY person he gives a shit about is himself, don't you?

malinkey · 16/02/2012 12:15

Oh yeah, and a bit of a sea change from the no strings sex he was offering you yesterday!

themildmanneredjanitor · 16/02/2012 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 16/02/2012 12:31

As Blu said. He just wants to feel in control of the break up. He wants to be able to tell himself that HE dumped YOU. 'Needed your decision by today' - Ha ha.

Creepy, inadequate twat indeed. If he wasn't so irritating and likely to pop back up I'd be tempted to text back 'So relieved at how things have worked out! Your ultimatum was such a good idea and will make you feel much more in control and less inadequate.' - but DON'T - it'll only make him have to think up a new 'I can go one better' set of antics.

'100% commitment or nothing! I am DELETING you - this is how I operate! Me strong decisive take no shit Alpha Man!'

Honestly, the only thing that makes me sad about this is that YOU are sad. You shouldn't be. You should be peeing yourself laughing at his pathetic little shenanigans, cutting across the bullshit to point out that no, there is no ultimatum, HE has been dumped, next time don't play silly buggers with people and you might get further. You can't at the moment and I totally understand that but ONE DAY YOU WILL! Start with this guy. He's a total fool - grin, block, delete, and if he pops up again just do not bother to engage.

pictish · 16/02/2012 12:39

So...he's never felt so in love before, but 'this' is how he operates? Hmm

OP - this guy wants to possess you.
He needs an answer by today does he?

Give him one. "No fucking danger!"

pictish · 16/02/2012 12:40

Btw OP - his arrogance is astounding.

Lueji · 16/02/2012 12:45

He wants me 100% and so he has said he is now deleting me (my words) as its best for him and me. He says this is how he operates and it's not something he wants to do but he is going to do it, get rid if my number and never contact me again

If only it was true. :-)

But let's hope it is. Wine

Nobody deserves that type of relationship.

My answer would be: "Be ever so nice and do delete my number please."

bikerchicken · 16/02/2012 12:45

Thank you. Themildmanneredjanitor - you are right. Why? Because I miss him and I am/was warped enough in my own mind to believe that this is love and I just needed to persuade him that love doesnt include short deadline ultimatums. Of course it doesnt. What I am finding hard is seeing past the vibrant, loving, giving and generous man I thought he was and seeing him for the control freak restrictive person he actually is. When he said he is cutting me out of his life all I could think of was what I was losing in that he is someone I can talk to about, he (seemed) to adore me, he would look after me and we had great times. I'm not there yet but I have to shift my mind to thinking the other stuff about him. That is the tricky bit.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. My problem is small compared to others here.

OP posts:
Lueji · 16/02/2012 12:46

Do you still have his?

You need to block it and not reply to any of his crap.

Wrongbow · 16/02/2012 12:49

OMG, he is unbelievable! I hope you don't believe a word of his bullshit about you being "selfish" and unable to commit. It is NOT TRUE. Expecting someone to be at your beck and call 24/7 and never to go away for work is NOT an acceptable request. He is a freak. Let's hope he means it about never contacting you again!

I hope you feel better soon x

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 16/02/2012 12:54

'I'm not there yet but I have to shift my mind to thinking the other stuff about him'

Think that, yes, but tip from here - try and spend most of your time not thinking about him at all. Think BIGGER. Think future. Think freedom to meet nicer, happier, more normal people to have a lighter, funnier, happier life with. Think of all the BRILLIANT tips you've had from this relationship on how to spot dodgy, pathetic, drag-you-down specimens and how from now on you'll be more clued up on avoiding them.

Think sunshine, summer's coming, think old friends, make plans, get on that phone and start drumming up enthusiasm among your friends for a big get together, SOON.

Think through this, but don't concentrate on him too much. Because he's pointless, he really is. He's just a little git. Don't give him, or anything he's said over the last couple of days, any headspace. It's a waste. He's over and done with - thank God!

pictish · 16/02/2012 12:54

Sadly, abusive people are often very charming OP.
It's part of what makes them able to justify their self serving, bullying behaviour to themselves. They believe they are entitled to behave this way, because they are so wonderful and giving. They believe that the charmer persona is who they really are.
The bully and manipulator comes about because of the frankly unreasonable behaviour of others, when they won't damn well do as they are told.

Blu · 16/02/2012 12:57

In his version of a relationship he has been 'rewarding' you with his company, attention and love when you conform to his wishes, and punishing you when you do anything not under his auspeices. This is really patronising, rather weird, and no way for an intelligent grown up woman to live.

I am sure he was great company and very adoring, when he chose to dole out that kind of treatment. But look how easily he can switch it off! No way is that actual love. He tried to do it on the night before Valentine, and he has been caught on the hop because you didn't kowtow.

Have you seen the film Secretary? Or any others that create erotica out of this sort of reward and punishment control? All well and good if it is a sexual fiction that both parties understand and are in posession of - but he is doing it for real and without your consent.

pictish · 16/02/2012 13:03

This is not love OP.
If there is one element of this tale that I can be certain of, it's that this definitely isn't love.

No-one in their right mind demands 100% commitment and attention from another person, and issues it as an ultimatum.
That is psychotic.

solidgoldbrass · 16/02/2012 13:04

Fucking hell, this guy just gets more hilarious by the minute. The only reply you should make to this is 'I have decided. You are dumped. Any further contact from you will be reported to the police.'

Because, I'm sorry to say this, but there is actually a good chance you may need to involve the police to make him fuck off. He's tried 'nice' and it isn't going to work, so the next thing will be to try nasty. Of course, he might latch on to some other poor woman fairly quickly and then you will be free of him in short order, but something it's very very important to remember is this: It's FINE to call the police in order to make an abusive man fuck off and stay away. He has no entitlement to any interaction with you against your wishes. It is not trivial or drama-queeny to invoke the law against someone who is trying to force contact on you. And men who refuse to accept that they are dumped can and do escalate to violence, because they think that what they want is the only thing that matters and that frightening and hurting you is fine as long as it makes you obey.

PosiePumblechook · 16/02/2012 13:06

He's a classic dictionary description of controlling isn't he?