Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my poor ds

134 replies

lostboysfallin · 11/02/2012 18:43

He had some sweets today from a party and he said
"I'm not saving one for daddy because he argues with you and it makes me sad.
and he makes you sad too"

From the mouths of babes

OP posts:
kodachrome · 11/02/2012 18:50

That's sad.

What are you going to do about it?

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 11/02/2012 19:16

There haven't been any big fights, its more like dh is stressy and badtempered and im trying to reason with him.
dh away on a stag do, we were having a nice weekend. Maybe ds realising that atmosphere is better without miserable daddy. he's only 4.
Dh will be distraught. Ds has stopped wanting to talk to him on the phone.
We are in counselling to try to sort dh's anger/stress and things have been a bit better, on the surface. I thought.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 11/02/2012 19:51

Children can be more perceptive than we think. Maybe this will give your H a wake-up call to stop talking to you like shite. I hope so Sad

AnyFucker · 11/02/2012 19:58

ds probably feels it is safer to say this when his bullying father isn't around

what a shame he has to live like this Sad

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 11/02/2012 21:43

well I think maybe I've realised its better without dh
Its all about him

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/02/2012 21:50
Sad
RandomMess · 11/02/2012 21:51

Sad for your ds, but you do have the power to make things better even if that means seperating.

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 11/02/2012 22:55

I really don't know how to handle this. It's such a small thing that he said, but it's huge. heartbreaking.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/02/2012 23:24

yes, it is

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 11/02/2012 23:49

Don't know whether to talk to him a bit more about it. How he feels about his daddy

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2012 15:44

how are you feeling today, OP

my replies were very short last night as it was very late, but you know that on MN there is always room if you want to expand a bit more/talk it out a bit

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 12/02/2012 16:31

I remember my then 3 yr old asked why he had never seen Mummy & Daddy kiss? His q woke me up. We divorced the following year.

I hope the counselling works for you x

sheldee123 · 12/02/2012 16:41

I had this with my son when he was about 4 ( he's now 18 ) kids really notice how their fathers treat their mums. I put him to bed ( my husband was being difficult) and he said " mummy you don't really need daddy do you " I was really taken aback he'd clocked just how much I did. To be honest I've stuck out a difficult relationship for over 20 years although I recognise it hasn't all been bad and my husband has a very good relationship with both my kids oldest 21. You have to weigh up your options putting the kids first but not in a martyr way there have been times I've purely stuck at it for the kids maybe that's all marriage my husband grew up a bit as time went on so he realised how selfish he was being and I'm glad we stuck together though it had got to the point where I thought one more thing and that's it maybe he subconsciously realised I'd had enough anyway good luck enjoy him and really concentrate on you and your son hopefully your husband will man up soon

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 12/02/2012 17:00

Dh due back soon
Had a very hectic weekend and not without stress, but completely different type of atmosphere without dh to worry about
Realised I don't miss him and not particularly looking forward to him coming home.
Took DS to a party today and there were a couple of dads there. Dh would never have taken DS.
And was watching something on tv, couple cuddling in bed, spooning i guess, looked really cozy and satisfying, reassuring. I don't get any of that
I don't have the marriage i want
Or the type of caring partner that i would like

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2012 17:09

I am really sorry, love

MrsDollyLevi · 12/02/2012 17:35

My ex DH left when son was 4. Every time his dad and I were in the same room, toward the end, I'd end up in tears. Sometimes quietly sometimes, though I tried to hide it from my son, not so unobtrusively. Anyway, it got to the stage that, when "daddy" came through the door at the end of the day, my little boy would get me a tissue. Poor little sausage.

Now, 6yrs later, I'm remarried to a grown up. My son spends time with daddy. That's good but I'll never forget the horrendous guilt I felt, seeing my little boy reach for the tissue bos (like Pavlov's Dog) at the sound of his dad's voice.

You may have to more on.

MrsDollyLevi · 12/02/2012 17:37

Sorry....

You may have to move on. IPad with mind of its own!

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 13/02/2012 05:14

Can't even begin to describe the row we had last night. god he is so selfish
We are going on holiday on Sat for 3 weeks.
I think it might be getting cancelled as well as the rest of the marriage

OP posts:
PattyPenguin · 13/02/2012 05:35

I'm so sorry about this, Lost. If you can't bear the thought of the holiday - because it means 24 hours a day of his behaviour - tell him you don't want to go, and tell him why.

If you're still going to counselling, bring the subject up there.

At the moment he can't deal with stress without making life horrible for his wife and his child. How long does he expect both of you to put up with this? Can he answer that question?

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 13/02/2012 11:01

sheldee, I don't really need him. I could do without him, except for finances.

ohdear, we are quite affectionate, we do hug and kiss and have lots of cuddles with DS, it's a bit forced recently though.

Dolly, that is sad, glad you got remarried to a better man!

Apparently his job is THE most important thing, so I have to get up at 5am every morning to make him toast when he is in the shower.

And I didn't iron his trousers. I didnt know I was supposed to, I did it last week, but I'm supposed to know that I am supposed to do it every week.
And the cleaner put his shoes away and they were a bit damp (her name is mud)

He was still in a foul mood this morning, but has apologised by text, and is sending me jokey emails pretending nothing is wrong.

If we make it to the holiday, he might be able to chill out

it's his birthday tomorrow!

OP posts:
Original poster
lostboysfallin · 13/02/2012 11:02

we can't get a counselling appt this week, lady only works 3 days and she is booked

OP posts:
steamedtreaclesponge · 13/02/2012 11:04

OP, I feel really Sad for you. It sounds like he treats you more like his housekeeper than his wife.

Do you really think the holiday is a good idea? I get the impression that his 'chilling out' involves you having to take care of your son/all the grunt work so that he can have a break from his oh-so-stressful job...

pictish · 13/02/2012 11:06

Christ! Well first off, he can make his own toast and iron his own damn trousers! I wouldn't dream of getting up at 5am to do those things...my dh wouldn't dream of asking me to! Well, he might dream, but that's all it would ever be - a lovely daydream. Wink

If you said 'I'm not doing those things anymore' how would he react?

tribpot · 13/02/2012 11:11

Ah you - if you make it to the holiday will you be able to chill out? Or will your enjoyment relate directly to his mood?

His criticisms of you read like a complaint about an under-performing servant. You aren't his servant.

RandomMess · 13/02/2012 11:18

Is he not capable of making toast?