Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my poor ds

134 replies

lostboysfallin · 11/02/2012 18:43

He had some sweets today from a party and he said
"I'm not saving one for daddy because he argues with you and it makes me sad.
and he makes you sad too"

From the mouths of babes

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 13/02/2012 13:14

hmmm... if he is crying over this stuff he needs to go to gp and do the depression questionnaire....

"he is entitled to put the light on because he works"

key line - he is entitled.
he thinks he is entitled to lot s of things right? because he is the man/the husband/the earner?

"The job situation is just strange, he constantly reassures me that I don't need to work, that I should concentrate on DS, and the house.
We had a big conversation about it last week. "

not strange because actually it probably suits him to have you dependent on him.
that way he controls more the situation.

you wont leave if you dependent on him will you? (is his logic)
so you will learn to behave as you should otherwise you stuck arent you? (his view)

cestlavielife · 13/02/2012 13:15

does he ever throw things around, smash things up,

AnyFucker · 13/02/2012 13:17

Unless he is a naturally nasty bastard who doesn't respect you, never has and never will, I think it's possible there is something you are not yet aware of

Disciplinary at work ? Devaluing you in order to allow himself have an affair ? Money worries he is hiding from you ?

I don't know, it could be one of many things.

The point is, he has no right to take it out on you. He is destroying your relationship, and showing his ds poor examples of adult interaction.

AnyFucker · 13/02/2012 13:18

I would never be a SAHM, if I were married to an entitled man like this.

cestlavielife · 13/02/2012 13:18

sounds like my exP by the way - has he has depressive episodes before?
has he ever done something physically agressive? think hard...

i think you need to be careful - if hethis stressed and not managing it he may explode - and if you on holiday with him then you and ds could be the target

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 13/02/2012 13:21

AF, we talk about his job all the bloody time!
I had a thread somewhere about being bored to tears by it.
But I listen, and I advise and try and help

He needs me to take the pressure off, and there is only so much I can do.
When I am not doing enough or doing things right, or quick enough or his way, that's where the resentment is.
E.g, he is annoyed because I haven't organised my mum to look after DS for a long weekend in Sept while we go to a wedding. I knew it would be ok, but I wanted to discuss it properly with her as it involves taking DS to school( we don't even know which school yet)
So because I didn't immediately text her, and get an immediate answer, he gets irritated.
I knew she wasn't working, I knew she wasn't away, so I knew she would be fine with it, ( i told him all this) but because she hasn't booked her train ticket, he is annoyed.

I think I'm rambling now, but it's helping talking about it!

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 13/02/2012 13:22

this needy personality and not taking responsibility; wanting your help -getting you to do stuff for him.... crying over things... it wont end well...

i would up and take ds on holiday on your own and leave him to get some r and r alone.... and see his GP. but where does peronality end and stress/other isues begin? it can be a blurred line....but dont make excuses any more for his behaviour...his stress his responsibility. listen to what your ds told you.

create a happy home for DS and if this means time away from your h then so be it...

AnyFucker · 13/02/2012 13:23

He needs you to take the pressure off ? By being an emotional and verbal punchbag ? That is ridiculous. He is ridiculous.

I think he needs individual counselling. There is nothing wrong with your relationship, but there is something wrong with him.

cestlavielife · 13/02/2012 13:24

stop listening over and over - tell him there is a limit to what you can do - he needs to go talk to a profressional counsellor/job coach etc.

set your boundaries - set a timer - "we can talk for ten minutes about your job then no more".

pictish · 13/02/2012 13:25

It's almost as if he has some straight-out-of-an-Enid-Blyton-book expectations of marriage.

He goes to work, then comes home to have his arse wiped by a grateful, adoring mummy wifey. Wifey will mop his fevered brow, and absorb his anger, and make his toast at 5am, because that's what wifey is for.

Wifey doesn't have any feelings of her own of course, other than that of admiration for hubby's efforts in working to provide....she takes his maltreatment of her on the chin, because she has everything she needs, thanks to him.

Is he 10 and living the 50's?

AnyFucker · 13/02/2012 13:26

OP, you need to get a job < simplistic >

solidgoldbrass · 13/02/2012 13:28

I think the problem is that this man considers you a 'woman' and not a person. Therefore you are a kind of mixture of servant and domestic animal; you are an appendage to him and any wants or needs you have are irrelevant. Even if he is stressed, it doesn't excuse his behaviour or his attitude.
What would happen if you told him not to speak to you like that, or pointed out that you are not a servant and do not have to obey him?

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 13/02/2012 13:29

cestlavielife, yes, that's what I think, it suits him for me to be dependent on him, because then he knows I won't leave. Which is very calculating

But if I make him so unhappy, and I'm so substandard why the bloody hell does he want to be with me?

he bangs things around all the time, I think he threw my wheat pack this morning, all the stuffing has come out.
Slams doors occasionally, nothing major.
He would kick a book if he tripped over it, or it was in his way.
Not all the time obviously, but just if he was in a mood.
I have a feeling he has done something a bit aggressive, but I can't remember.
Not physical with me or DS.
Just shouty
It's aggressive though

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2012 13:36

It is calculated aggression if it makes you STFU or walk on egg shells

PattyPenguin · 13/02/2012 13:38

"and another thing he said, which sounded like some kind of emotional blackmail, about staying with him as I needed holidays, and a nice car and a good private school for DS."

But as you've said, OP, you can do without those things.

The above sounds like... is it called transferring? You don't need him, OP, he needs you. It doesn't sound as if he can do very much at all without you.

But he can't admit that to himself, so he has to find fault with everything you do for him. He can't give you credit for being capable, because he thinks, deep down, that he's not capable, in fact the complete opposite.

I think he badly needs a life coach or counselling. Before he mucks up his marriage and his relationship with his son permanently. But how to get him to realise that...

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 13/02/2012 13:47

he is needy, you're right, he needs reassurance from me. always telling me he loves me, so he can hear it back
needs to know i am end the end of the phone, always phoning me.
he moaned last night that i didn't respond to his text messages, he actually got out his phone and said the ratio was 3.1 this weekend.
Yes you were on a stag weekend with no responsibility, and I had a busy weekend with dS and birthday parties and swimming and haircuts. and i called you and i left messages, and DS left messages too.

And at one point he couldn't talk because he was trying on clothes!! He will interrupt our family life for any work phone call or email, but he couldn't talk because he was in a changing room.

SGB, I have told him not to shout at me, I have told him that I am not his servant. He actually thought that last night, after him shouting, that I would still get out of bed and iron his trousers. I told him that if he had said "shit, I meant to ask you to iron my trousers, I have an important meeting tomorrow, can you help, I have so much to do" that I might have felt inclined to help him, but there were no circumstances now that I would do it.
I think he is a bit delusional. It really is like he loses all sense of reality

he did have some individual counselling, problem with that is that I think he stretches the truth, or just lies actually.

My ultimatum was going to be to talk to the GP about depression and look into CBT and into this programme that the counsellor has talked about

pictish, I draw the line at wiping his arse

OP posts:
iseenodust · 13/02/2012 13:50

Agree with AnyF that you should look for at least a part-time job. What he is doing is unacceptable and it seems to stem from his job (and maybe a feeling he is reponsible for finance?).

pictish · 13/02/2012 13:57

Wiping his arse was metaphorically speaking, of course.

cestlavielife · 13/02/2012 14:16

why did he throw your wheat pack?

why didnt he throw something of his?

banging slamming throwing it is aggressive yes... it doesnt need to happen all the time.
you and DS will always be waiting for next time, or keeping out of his way if he "stressed".
it isnt right.
do you have your own finances? your own savings/bank account?

he wants to be with you because you feed him literally and metaphorically. there is a book called "i hate you dont leave me" about people with borderline personality disorder. not saying he has that - but it is that kind of scenario.

even if you say "please dont shout" it feeds him and he feels needed.

maybe you will continue as you are putting up
maybe he will listen and get some therapy/counselling/help/recognize how much he is damaging the family
maybe you will leave
maybe before that happens he will literally explode and do something much worse than throw a wheat bag so the stuffing comes out

just be careful.
keep a log.
dont normalise his behaviour.
get some individual counselling for you - something like CBT where you can talk thru strategies for dealing with his behaviour.
change your behaviour and your reactions.

.

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 13/02/2012 14:30

i am trying to order a dvd player for DS, and am dithering because DH might disapprove of my choice

how the hell did it come to this?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2012 14:40

he brought you to this

but you don't have to go along with it, you don't have to continue to have your self confidence eroded by a man who is so inadequate he has to make you feel bad so he can feel good

cestlavielife · 13/02/2012 14:54

just order it.
make a decision.
stand up to him.

fluffiphlox · 13/02/2012 15:02

I work for myself but don't have much on currently. My DH works a long day. He brings me a cuppa in bed. I always make sure that I'm up when he leaves the house. As I'm not particularly busy, I make sure his clothes are washed etc and I switch the outside light for him. I cook supper if I'm here. If I'm working and he gets in first HE does supper. (I draw the line at shoe cleaning and arse-wiping!) We do these things for each other because we WANT to. And we WANT to because we respect one another. I think you need to renegotiate the terms of your relationship. At the moment you're both being terrible role models for your DS. And a terrible example of an adult to adult partnership.

If you don't need posh hols, posh schools etc tell him. If you do need these things maybe that's why you're still there. Of course, like everyone else on here, I don't know YOU, I don't know your DH, your SITUATION or anything else. Don't rely on advice from us. What does your conscience tell you?

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 13/02/2012 15:25

fluffi- I do all those things for him as a matter of course.
But I can't ever imagine wanting to get up at 5am to make his breakfast

I have told him I don't need the fancy hols, we have discussed that lots of times, it's him that wants the 5*.
The school situation is a bit different because it involves DS.
I'm not sure how I'm being a terrible role model. I can understand how I could be a terrible example of an adult partnership.

But I am trying to fix it.
I'm not asking you guys to fix it for me, I'm just trying to talk it through, there's bits that I know are unacceptable and just plain wrong, but the psychological/counselling/depression stuff is a bit out of my league

It just helps talking it through, and recognising that I am not going mad

OP posts:
PeppaIsBack · 13/02/2012 16:40

lost God that sounds so much like my H.... Apart from the fact that your H sounds visibly aggressive and mine was silently aggressive.

Only 2 things to do:

  • For you to acknowledge the extent of his unacceptable behaviour and to stop accepting it.
  • For him to get a wake up call one way or the other and to decide to change.

I know you are going to some couple counselling together but what about going for counselling yourself? You need to see what is it that you can accept and what it is that is unacceptable. And then finding a way to state it in a non aggressive way. Even if you do end up splitting, you will have learn something great.