my poor ds

[lostboysfallin]

He had some sweets today from a party and he said
"I'm not saving one for daddy because he argues with you and it makes me sad.
and he makes you sad too"

From the mouths of babes

lost I have been in the same place than you, down to the comments from my ds.
It is heartbreaking because the dcs are so good at sending you an image of what is going on (even when you don't want to see it!). And I knew that in some ways I was also responsible of the situation because I was the one deciding to stay in the relationship.

I found it very difficult at the time because I had to weight between the disturbance that a divorce would cause with the pain that it was causing to my dcs to be in this relationship.
I did try to get an idea about the influence it had on dcs on an emotional level and see 'how bad it was'. But I never 'talked' to my dcs to see how they were feeling about daddy. I used their behaviours in general to see how they were doing iyswim.

I agree with AF. You have the power to make it better, whatever way it will be. My H decided that he was going to try and change his ways and I can see the difference it made on my dcs and how much more relaxed and happy they are.
But I also know that, if he hadn't made that change, being separated would probably have had a similar effect.

I would treat that as a wake up call for you. This is the sign, if you needed one, that something has to change in your relationship. Make it happen. I know the smile in my dcs eyes is worth it :)

In the 10 years I have known him, he has never had breakfast before going to work.
But because he is working so hard, it would be nice if I had thought of doing something like the toast.

years ago he had a go at me for not putting the outside light on for his return home..... because he was working so hard, I should think of things like that.

pictish, I have just started to think that maybe I should just stop doing anything for him, as I seem to be doing it all wrong. Maybe that would make him happy.
Forget the tidying, cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking.clean towels, dry cleaning, pairing his fucking socks together correctly. Hanging his shirts on the correct hangers. His clothes aren't allowed to go in the dryer either.

I've just completely decluttered the house, found homes for all his crap , which I have been asking him to sort for years. sorted all his clothes, summer clothes, winter clothes. Reorganised all the storage. he has stuff he hasn't worn for years, but won't let me throw away

I don't mind doing any of this, he works, I don't. And DS is in pre-school now, so I have time, He works long hours and is stressed.
But he is not talking to me like a dog.
And he is not treating our son like that either

DS and I will be able to have a good time on holiday.

It is just work that is stressing him out, he's a workaholic

thanks Peppa, I think being separated might help him, but he wouldn't see it that way, not because he wants someone to be his servant, but because somehow I think he has idealised this family situation.
He talks about kissing DS goodnight, and how much he misses him, but he doesn't go into him every morning and every evening, and he seems to irritate him when they do actually spend time together. There seems to be a limit on how much time they can spend together

"not putting the outside light on for his return home" fir an automatic security light .

it isnt just work is it?
dont make excuses for him!

anyway it is his responsibility to find stress release that doesnt involve shouting at you.

"Maybe that would make him happy" no, forget that.
nothing you do will make him happy.
no one person can be responsible for another's happiness and well being.

however - you can make decisions that will sort out your and ds happiness and if that ultimately means separating and living apart well so be it .

my exP had a lot o talk too about loving and missing the DC bu this was not borne out by his actions

one question, that I really don't know if I am being unreasonable

In his rage last night he said I make him feel bad about putting the light on in the morning.
I never say anything, I just put my head under the covers, it's annoying cos there is a spotlight right above my head.
Now I've read threads where people get dressed in the other room etc, and don't disturb their partners. If I had to get ready, I would do it in the spare room, but his attitude seems to be that he is getting ready, and his job is sooo important, that he should be able to put the light on.
what do you think?

cestlavielife- I was being a bit sarcastic there, with "maybe that will make him happy"

yeah, the outside light thing had nothing to do with work.
I have to flick the switch, it's not automatic

and another thing he said, which sounded like some kind of emotional blackmail, about staying with him as I needed holidays, and a nice car and a good private school for DS.

normal reaction might be coming to a compromise/fitting a different light/put low level ighting in bedroom/ fit a dimmer switch/talk about it etc.

if he has to get up at 0500 then come to an arrangement which doesnt involve you having to get up as well or you being disturbed so much.

what time does he return?

dont know why you dont fit an autpomatic light (or an extra one which is auto come on when someone approaches and is good security)

same for bedroom - change the lighting. fit a dimmer switch. makes no sense.

so do you need nice holidays a car and private school?

would you be able to get a job if you need too?

are you married?

Dunno - certainly if my dh gets up to get ready for work, and I don't have to get up (like when it's the school hold for example) he creeps about silently so as not to wake me. He doesn't put a light on, but puts the hall light on instead so it shines through the door and gives him light enough to see by to get dressed.

Op your dh is sounding more and more like a self important tosspot as we go.

hols not hold

Oh...and I don't care HOW stressed a person is...whether it be through work, personal tragedy, illness or whatever, I will never tolerate being the emotional punchbag for that stress.
Fuck off and sort your shit out elsewhere - do NOT shout at ME!

FAR too many women accept the role of emotional punchbag for a 'stressed' OH.

He's not stressed...he is rude, aggressive, disrespectful, unkind and self serving.

We all get stressed...but we don't all go around making our loved ones pay for it. The 'stressed' excuse is bullshit.

the outside light thing isn't a big deal now, I've got into the habit of putting it on. I just remember the comment years ago. For me that's a simple thing that you just would just say nicely " try and put that light on when it gets dark so I can see my keys" not " you never even put the fucking outside light on for me, and I'm working so hard"

The bedroom light doesn't bother me too much, as I said I don't say anything. We do have bedside lights and the light from the bathroom. But it's his comment and the idea that he is entitled to put the light on because he works

The job situation is just strange, he constantly reassures me that I don't need to work, that I should concentrate on DS, and the house.
We had a big conversation about it last week.

I would love to go back to work, in an ideal world I could do it, but with the downturn I don't think anyone is hiring

We have a 5 year old car, it's not that fancy, but I managed perfectly well with an old clapped out Saxo before.
Private school is what we had planned, simply because our LA is oversubscribed and we have no idea where DS would get in, and it could be the not so nice school.
Holidays, again, always managed fine without him, my family and friends have holiday houses we can use. We have had fancy holidays, but tbh I'd be fine with camping/caravans, but not with him!
But it's almost like he is trying to hold something over me, so I won't leave.

I know pictish.
When he is calm, he knows it's unacceptable.
And we have discussed this in counselling, and tried to find ways to get him to deal with it, without shouting at me. Timeout, letting each other talk, etc

But if fundamentally he has a problem with him working so hard and me not working, the resentment is always going to come through.

I left my XH when DS1 who was just 2 told me he was scared of daddy and didn't like watching mummy cry on the kitchen floor.

The boys get on great with their Dad now and we also get on well.

No...when he is calm he says it is unacceptable.....but as soon as he feels like it, he does it again, so although it pains me to say this, he quite patently thinks it is perfectly acceptable.

Don't judge by what people say, but by what they DO.

Btw OP - I've been there. x

Fundamentally, if he is a nasty twat who views you as a housework-performing appendage to his great self, then nothing will change no matter how much relationship counselling you have

Quite AF, quite.

Sounds like he resents having to work so hard and is blaming you for it/taking it out on you as well. Not excusing what he is doing- but is he under additional pressure at work? is his job at risk? maybe he feels that you do "demand"/"expect" the private school, nice holiday etc etc

I leave early in the mornings and get back late and it sometimes feels like DP has spent the whole day doing nothing and can't even do a little thing like leaving a light on for me and it can be the final straw...

I also try not to wake DP (get dressed in separate room etc don't have breakfast in the house) but I don't tiptoe around - i think it better just to do everything efficiently and then DP can go back to sleep

But that said although I can understand the stress/pressure etc leads to losing temper/having a row- this shoudn't be constantly/often - if he can't cope with the stress without doing this the whole time he needs to take a look at his life and deal with what is causing the stress

yes, AF, that's what I mean.
Do I try and fix it, or decide that it's the fundamentals that are the problem.
and therefore can't be fixed

I also think his behaviour is quite bizarre
He has done a couple of simple things on the computer, and sat there nearly crying, saying this is just too hard, why is everything so hard. one, he was ordering currency for holidays, and the other was ordering shoes and he had to register.
WTF?
Last night he was ranting, saying we had lots of jobs to do and nothing was getting done, but then when I came down from putting DS to bed, he had ordered the currency, and apparently nothing else needed doing.

It makes me thing that he is doing this at work too, he did a presentation last week that I helped him with, that he made such a fuss about, but it was really quite simple.
I don't think he is coping

Well, there's no way that bullying you is going to make any difference to his ability to cope is it? He is simply using you as a means of expression isn't he? He thinks so little of your feelings, that he sees your role as being the one to absorb and take responsibility for his. That not what a wife is for.

Sounds to me like he needs to grow the fuck up to be honest.

No, it doesn't sound like he is coping

He sounds like a man having problems at work.

Why can't he talk to you about it though ? Why does he see you as a soft target to take his nasty temper out on ? Why does he think you will accept it no matter how badly he makes you feel ? Why does he not appear to acknowledge the poor example he is setting to his son ?

I don't know the answers to these questions. I don't know whether you should carry on tolerating and hope it gets better (that is unlikely, as every time he treats you like shit, you get devalued in both your eyes) or whether you take the bull by the horns and force the issue

tom- yes that's it, which is understandable, if you think your partner is having an easy time, while you are struggling, it's got to be hard, but it's not acceptable to scream and shout at them.
I can see your logic definitely. I understand about the nice things. But I do do nice things for him, I knew he was stressed about tax return, so I got all the stuff out for him, I knew he was stressed about his CV, so I found the old copy, and gave him my old one( we had similar jobs), and found some other phrases, but this wasn't good enough, he wanted me to do it for him.

But the pressure for nice things is definitely not coming from me, I don't ask for anything.
i think he puts the pressure on himself

his job is not under threat. But he does have a new boss that he is trying to impress