my poor ds

[lostboysfallin]

He had some sweets today from a party and he said
"I'm not saving one for daddy because he argues with you and it makes me sad.
and he makes you sad too"

From the mouths of babes

I don't make anyone's breakfast! I just like to be up, not necessarily dressed when DH leaves, as a courtesy and a recognition that he has to go out and I can, occasionally, stay in. There are no DCs here so it's easier, probably
My point really is that you and he are both part of the equation. I'm not assigning blame, like I say, I don't know you or him, I'm just a random Internet person. You're not going mad either. However, I do believe that we all train others in how to treat us. We cannot help but be part of the re/action, because we're THERE.
By the way, I think anyfucker has a point, people who think poorly of themselves or of their lot will often try and make other people feel as bad or worse than them.

fluffi, what time does your DH leave?

maybe next time DS gets up at 3am I should wake him and ask him to make me a cup of tea!

But this is fluffi's choice, I don't think her DH expects it. In those circumstances it's a nice courtesy (fortunately not one I expect of my dh as the SAHP given he suffers from chronic fatigue!) not a pointless duty/punishment in recognition of the fact he has the 'harder' end of the deal in the marriage. Which a lot of this seems to be about lostboys - I work, so you must do x, y, z or I will withdraw the support for your lifestyle.

The power balance is wrong.

I get that Tribpot, I was just curious.
I think if I loved my husband enough, I might get up with him at 7am, but not 5am!
I love the idea of a leisurely cup of tea, and seeing my husband off with a kiss still in my dressing gown.
But our life just isn't like that

so, tomorrow I will have to make a fuss of his birthday for DS. We said we would make a cake and a card for him
I have bought him a book and nothing yet from DS
That's a bit pants isn't it.

Mine neither! And you're quite right about the 3 am wakings, no doubt he can't do that because 'he works'.

But if he wants you to do 'nice' things for him he needs to be returning the favour. Going out and earning money to support his family is not a favour.

I had an ex who would make a big show of how much he "had" to spend on me to "keep" me (I was a broke student and he was working). Once he went so far as to tell me I "would never make enough on my own to live like his money enabled me to". The joke is I have never been the slightest bit materialistic. I grew up on dirt floors, drinking rain-water fgs. All I needed to make me happy was hugs, kisses and lots of chats.

He was a complete knobber, emotionally immature and used money to make people love him/not abandon him. It was actually very sad. But also not my problem and not my responsibility.

DH and I have always shared and shared alike without any resentment. You deserve the same.

Me again. I've been out to trap food. That's another part of the deal. When I'm away my OH would get it.
Look I'm not saying anyone should do what I do. I'm trying to say we do nice and mundane things for each other because we want to and we don't have a balance sheet either.
He leaves at about 0715. (My tea is delivered at about 0630) He doesn't ask me to get up but I do to show solidarity. I suspect it all sounds terribly old fashioned.
I've got to go and mangle some grub together now so signing off. Keep on keeping on lostboys

trap food?
interesting
doesn't sound old fashioned fluffi, sounds nice

It can be hell in Waitrose during half term, lostboys :o

He sounds really horrible.

On another thread in here, people emphasised that in cases where men are abusive, couples' counselling (and indeed counselling for the abusive partner) doesn't help and it's better for the woman to see someone alone to discuss the relationship. Seems relevant here.

Think you should think hard about getting a job and sending DS to a state school. If you stay at home and especially if you send him private, it'll be much, much harder to leave if you want to do so. Things may well get worse when Ds starts school, since you'll have had "all day" to get things perfect and will be pilloried if you don't.

If you don't get a school you like, go on waiting lists for ones you do, often places come up, even once term has started, not ideal but OK.

thanks Dozer, good points
the school situation is not sorted yet, the state school app is going through and haven't paid deposit for private school, so options are open.

Job situation is a bit more difficult. My job was quite specialised and very long hours, you really can't do it part time.
I'm trying to think of other options, or retraining, but coming up blank right now.
Will have to consider rejigging my CV to be a bit more general. but there is a lot of competition out there.

I remember reading that about counselling too.I think it's because of the manipulation.
I didn't trust that he was being honest or even open in his own counselling, but the joint counselling has been ok, it's been tough and he has taken the criticism well enough, but it is all about him

Anyway, I have decided there really is something wrong with him.
His behaviour and reactions are just so bizarre.
He can not stop talking about his job, just can't help himself.
And he is overemotional and just breaking down at the slightest little thing.
I think everything is just too much for him

He is having a chat with his boss over the next couple of days, but I think he might be getting a telling off. He is achieving good things, but I think he is losing his rag with everyone there too.

i know some of you will say I am making excuses, or have my head in the sand but I honestly think it's depression or even some kind of breakdown.

I recently went to my GP because of my own anxiety and stress and have been discussing depression as well. We don't think I'm depressed. But some of his symptoms are similar, but much worse.

so, i think I will see how the holiday goes, bearing in mind it could be a disaster.
then I will insist he sees his GP, and look at other help too, if not, he will have to go and live somewhere else until he sorts himself out.

Does that sound like a plan?

why can't he see his gp before your holiday ?

you might feel better going away to think he has at least taken an initial step in admitting something is wrong (with him)

and how is he going to reassure your little boy, who if I remember was the initial focus of your post ?

hi
if I give him another thing to fit in before the holiday I think it might send him over the edge

In bed last night he was stressing about packing.
Seriously.
"oh, no, I've got to pack on Saturday"

"And what about a car seat for the taxi?" panic, panic

"and the airport is going to be a nightmare"

This is what I mean about tiny things being a huge big deal to him

I have diazepam from the GP for emergencies, do you think I should give him one?

it's his birthday today, and DS and I are going to make a cake and hopefully have a nice couple of hours with him. Undecided about going out for tea.

He's going to have a chat and say sorry for making him sad.
We do have nice times together, when he can give us his full attention.

DS will be fine with me, DH leaves it to me anyway, when we travel.

Lostboys, my DH has a very serious, responsible and highly stressful job which involves extremely long hours.
He would never dream of turning the light on when he leaves for work in the morning, he just muddles about in the dark, bless him.
Likewise when I have to leave for work before he and DD have to get up, I put my clothes in the bathroom the night before so I can just go straight downstairs to get ready. It's nothing to do with a stressful job, it's about having consideration for other people

ah, so you have to micro-manage everything so he doesn't get stressed

including his own son

that's otherwise known as "walking on eggshells" and is no way to live

when is it you are off on holiday ?

you are even considering dosing your husband with diazepam without him consulting his gp first

I am sure you cannot see this clearly since you are right in the middle of it, but this is a very, very unhealthy situation

yes, that's pretty much it. that's the plan for the next 3 weeks.

I know it's no way to live, it's the only thing I can think of short term.
I could cancel the holiday, and tell him to leave, but that's not fair on a lot of other people. DS and PIL can't wait to see each other, if I cancelled now, they would be heartbroken and we have lots of family and friends that have organised a lot of things for us.

We are off on Sat.
Won't really see him for the rest of the week, except for tonight.

Thanks ohdearNigel, I know it's not stress per se. I know he should not be shouting at me because he is stressed. But he is not dealing with the stress. He is not dealing with anything.
The only thing he seems to be doing well is talking to clients. Everything else is falling apart.
It's still not an excuse, and yes I realise he could just be being nasty because he is nasty.

that was a bit of a joke AF, sorry not very good with the smileys!

i was absolutely terrified to take the diazepam, ended up taking half a tablet.
Of course I wouldn't give him drugs without him consulting his GP!

thank goodness for that !